10 Horror Movies You MUST Watch Before Halloween

horror

So, I’m obsessed with horror movies (granted, in post-2016 America, with all the mass killings we’re having having, I must admit that my love for them has been tested… I can’t even watch torture porn like SAW or Hostel anymore, because now it all just seems too real and too sad… Speaking of SAW, did you guys hear about the crazy Russian SAW app that paid people to kill LGBTQ people?) Long story short, no torture porn will be on the list. Moving forward…

 

1.Scream

scream

Oh-Meh-Gawwwwwww!  An absolute classic. All 4 are worth watching, although I didn’t learn to appreciate the fourth until recently. But it’s just the perfect combo of everything you could ever want. It is genuinely scary. It is genuinely smart. It is genuinely funny. It’s post-modern and self-reflective. There is literally scholarly writing done about Scream… that’s how good of a film it is.

scream movie

Also, The Drew Barrymore scene in the first? The Jada Pinkett Smith scene in Scream 2? The incredible Hollywood references in the 3rd? And the never-ending opening scene in the fourth?  CLASSIC!!!!!!!

 

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (both the original, and the 2003 remake)

Texas Chainsaw

The PERFECT horror franchise. The original was horrifying. It was gross and grizzly, and was made with hardly any budget at all…and that made it all the scarier. Then, TCM 2 changed the game of horror, and was one of the first instances of a horror move that used comedy. Even the poster mocked The Breakfast Club. Then, like any horror film worth it’s salt, that was followed by a few films that were just terrible and complete garbage.

However, in 2003, the remake reinvigorated the franchise, and was excellent! The score, the cinematography, it was all just spot on! And then that too was followed by a few films that were garbage…leading to the movie Leatheface which was so bad it wasn’t even released. The highlight of the series? The now-infamous epic dance scene at the end of the original… see it here set to the tune of ABBA!

 

 

3. The Blair Witch Project

blair witch

There is one simple tool you need in your life to figure out if someone is a complete dumbfuck who isn’t worth your time, or is a great person: Ask them if they like The Blair Witch Project. If they say yes, they’re a good person. If they say, “I’ve never seen it,” or “I didn’t get it,” or “I didn’t think it was scary,” THEN WALK AWAY FROM THEM. They are stupid. They have no attention span. They’re not worthy of life. Leave them be in whatever gutter they came from.

blair witch project

Blair Witch is all about the small details. The horror in it is connecting the ending to the beginning, and about picking up on the small sounds and symbols in the film. The entire movie is almost like a series of easter eggs. Also, did you know that when it first came out, a lot of people actually thought it was real footage? PEOPLE, THIS MOVIE STARTED THE ENTIRE GENRE OF FOUND-FOOTAGE! That is incredible!

 

4. Paranormal Activity 1 & 2

paranormal activity

Speaking of found footage, Paranormal Activity single-handedly restarted the genre of paranormal horror. Insidious, The Conjuring, Annabelle, all that crap… WOULD NOT EXIST if it wasn’t for the raging success of Paranormal Activity.

paranormal

Like Blair Witch, PA is all about the small details. It’s all about noticing the small sounds, the voices, the slight movements on camera. It’s another film of small easter eggs that come together to create something horrifying. The best part? When they hear the footsteps and turn on the lights to see that they look like chicken or lizard feet (squeal!)

 

5. Exists

exists

Bigfoot movies are hard to do. If you don’t have the budget for a good costume, or if you’re using awful CGI, or if bigfoot comes off too-human, or too-alien, it’s just a gamble. And that’s why almost all bigfoot movies are garbage. However, Exists is different. When Exists came out, it was finally the movie bigfoot fans were waiting for. It was scary and well-made.

bigfoot

It’s ok to be skeptical. But give it a shot!

 

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street

freddy

One of the most legendary horror franchises around. A Nightmare on Elm Street shook up the genre of slasher films by creating a killer with personality. So far, the leading men of horror – Leatherface, Michael Myers, and Jason – had all been large, emotionless, speechless monsters. But Freddy was animated, thoughtful, scheming, and nefarious. And his personality helped make the movie even scarier.

nightmare on elm street

The franchise is great. The first was terrifying. The sequel was overtly gay on purpose (it was written by a gay man who wanted to sneak homoerotic imagery into a mainstream film) and the cast was also heavily LGBT. The 3rd is known as being another classic, with crazy graphic effects. Then, standard of horror films, the sequels went into the ground (as they should). Until 2003 when Freddy Vs. Jason came out and was AWESOMEEEEEE!

 

7. Hellraiser

pinhead

Pinhead joined the ranks of slasher villains after the release of Hellraiser. A little fun puzzle box actually opens the gates of hell… oops!  Allowing Pinhead and his sadistic friends of the underworld to rise up and claim take humans back with him.

hellraiser

Did you know, Pinhead isn’t seen too much in the first film? But when he is, it’s well worth it! The ending scene grotesque and offensive to a lot of people, which only helped gain the film notoriety.

 

8. Jeepers Creepers 

jeepers creepers

So, before we begin, let me just this about that – Yes, this film was directed by a pedophile who raped a child on the set of one of his other movies. However, when Jeepers Creepers came out, and for many years after that, it wasn’t widely known. In fact, it wasn’t really until the lead-up to Jeepers Creepers 3 (which was AWFUL) that the story got any press.

So, if you refuse to watch this one, I don’t blame you.

cat lady

If you do watch it however, it’s a great film. It’s scary, the cast has great chemistry, and Mrs. Peacock from Clue plays a crazy cat lady. There’s a lot to love in this little horror gem. The move spawned a sequel that was relatively good too.

 

9. Ernest Scared Stupid

ernest

Ok, sure it’s not technically a horror movie, but the trolls in the movie are actually pretty scary. The scene in the bed makes me jump to this day.  Plus, the great Eartha Kitt is in this movie! What could be better!?!??!

eartha kitt

But the best scene…

 

 

10. Halloween (1, 2, H20, Rob Zombie’s, and the 2018 one)

halloween

You should have known this was coming… How could I leave the ever-classic Halloween off the list? It’s insanely scary. The theme song along gives me goosebumps (the Nightmare on Elm Street them is also terrifying).

Plus, this was the real start of the slasher genre. Psycho and Texas Chainsaw laid the groundwork, but Halloween really set the formula into motion. Jamie Lee Curtis is considered the original Scream Queen for her role in the film, as well her career in horror that’s spanned decades.

halloween gif

 

You’ve got some movies to watch!

~ The Dark Horse

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Adults Who Party…

party

So, question for everyone… At what point is someone too old to party like they’re in college? For example, if you’re in your late 20’s and into your 30’s, is it ok for you to throw a raging house party in the middle of a residential neighborhood until 5:30am?

And, I’m seriously asking this.

For me, I would say, “Of course it’s NOT OK. It’s a residential neighborhood, full of people who might need to be up for work in the morning, and people who might have children.”

You see, this happened last night. Raging house party in my neighborhood. All adults. Blasting music. All their windows open. Yelling, screaming, drama, just like undergrad all over again.

But what’s weird is when I’ve asked other people about this today, so many are saying, “I mean, they’re allowed to party…”

Which, yes. Go to a bar or a club. Williamsburg is literally loaded with them. Why disturb  other people who are trying to sleep in their own homes with your bullshit?

party 1

Humans are such trash. Trash that never matures. Trash that never considers other people. Trash that’s just looking for the next cheap thrill. And Williamsburg is the epicenter of this. Liberal hipsters who think they’re at the forefront of the world – But in reality, they’re just mediocre sheep following the herd, doing what they need to do to get heir rocks off.

In my rage last night (and since I had nothing to do but lay in bed and listen to the rager next-door) I came across this song, which is so insanely true:

“Brooklyn’s a death bed, for clones of the same kid.
Stuck in a party that was lame to begin with…”

 

Oh my sweet lord. I have a new crush. These guys clearly saw Williamsburg for what it is: Desperate trash, congregating with other desperate trash, in order to live within a bubble of their delusion.

I need to move.

~ The Dark Horse

Things Overheard in a Brooklyn Coffeeshop

brooklyn

So, recently, I made a post about how annoying coffeeshops in NYC are. And today I’m here to give you a great example.

Ok, so… It is currently 11am on a Wednesday. I am writing an article for the magazine, doing actual work. A sloppy “woke” gay with dyed bleach blonde hair and a girl (both looking late-twenties) sat down right across from me.

 

Here is what I’m now listening to.  Please keep in mind, NONE of this is made up. This is verbatim what I’m hearing right now as I’m trying to do work….

So, the gay guy started telling her about how great his career as a hair stylist is going. He’s apparently doing really well. His husband is also doing well. What does his husband do? He sells PrEP (the anti-HIV drug) on the streets. Good for him, right? A real entrepreneur…

But, ugh oh… drama was right around the corner. This guy and his husband met a 3rd guy for a “thruple.” However, his husband wasn’t getting along with the 3rd guy. So this guy kept hooking up with the new guy on the side. You see, that’s how mature people handle problems…

But ugh oh…. Big shock here! A few months into the affair, the 3rd guy revealed that he’s a heroin addict. And he started pulling this guy away from his husband, demanding more and more of his time to help kick his addiction.

drugs

But the stress of all this was too much for this guy, and he couldn’t handle cheating on his husband with a heroin addict, so he turned to the only thing that was ever there for him… alcohol. And he then he relapsed and his health got bad.

So now he’s looking for alcoholic support groups, but HOW IS HE GOING TO TELL HIS HUSBAND ABOUT THE AFFAIR WITH THE HEROIN ADDICT? 

So now, he’s like, totally stressing out with this girl, pouring his absolute heart out to her, telling her ever gritty little kinky detail about his life.  And what’s weird, is that they sound like they’re enjoying it.

OH MY GOD now she’s crying. Now she’s got boy problems. She literally just said,
(sniffle) I’m sorry, today is supposed to be about you, but this is making me think of what’s (sniffle) going on in my life!”

crying

But back to what I was saying… these two seem too happy. They seem to really love loudly blabbing about their lives. They keep talking about these horrible things, while also seeming like they’re kind of enjoying it. It’s like the gossip is so juicy that they’re happy to have it in their lives…. even though it’s tearing them apart.

So, for anyone who was annoyed with my last post and thought I was being dramatic…

Nope.

This is literally what Brooklyn is. Rich kids with nothing to do and nowhere to go, self-destructing because, why not? They have no real problems, so they have to willingly walk into them.

Fuck Williamsburg.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

I’m Going to Aruba!

flamingo

So, autumn is arriving, the weather is changing, Pumpkin Spice has arrived, I even wrote an entire post about how great Fiona Apple music is during the cooler weather. I was preparing myself for autumn. For Fall. For….

But then I found out that my next assignment is to write about Aruba.

And now I’m like…. Fuck cold weather. Fuck Pumpkin Spice. Fuck Autumnal pinecones and changing leaves…. Give me the beach or give me death! 

That’s right motherfuckers, I’m gettin the hell out of here!

run away

Cold and Flu season? Fuck you!

Yes. Suddenly, my entire world was changed. I was preparing for the changing seasons. Preparing for Halloween. Horror movies, the Scream soundtrack, and rewatching Hocus Pocus on loop.

But not anymore. A new wave of Summer energy is running through me now. I’m putting down my hot tea in exchange for an iced one.

aruba

And I don’t want to sounds like I’m super relieved to be escaping the cold. I don’t want to brag or anything… It’s just that, I fucking hate the cold. I fucking hate the dry air. I fucking hate everything about autumn. I hate watching the world die slowly as it goes into hibernation for 8 months. I hate all of it. Every single second. I hate pants. I hate sweaters. I hate jackets. I hate gloves and hats. And I really hate scarves.

But, oh well, looks like I don’t have to deal with that.

smug

Fuck you autumn, I am victorious! Mwuahahahahahaha! 

~ The Dark Horse

Roswell, New Mexico is Making Me Feel Lots of Stuff…

rsowell

So, you all know that the CW brought back a remake (of sorts) of the old 90’s show Roswell, right? The new show, Roswell, New Mexico, is so good. Am I embarrassed to admit this? Sure…. No, actually, not really. This show has me acting like a 14-year-old girls, and listen up bitches, I don’t give a fuck.

OH MY GOD.

I have been binging a few episodes a day for the past week, and I am an emotional firestorm right now.

Ok, so the show is about 3 aliens who crashed in the Roswell incident, but was kept in stasis for years. Now, they’re all like 29 or 30 or something. The main alien, Max, is in love with Liz. Liz gets shot in a hate crime, and Max brings her back to life because he’s always loved her.

Max Roswell

Oh my God….. In the original show, Max was my crush. oh-meh-gawwww he made me so giddy. I had such a crush on him. Also, I should mention, I watched the original series during my time in Australia. Back when I was agoraphobic, stuck in my apartment. This show almost singlehandedly saved my life. It made me feel so much emotion in a time when all I felt was dread. I owe the original series so much.

But the new show… In the new show, we find out that Max’s bad boy brother, Michael, is actually gay (squeal!) Actually… I think I saw a photo of him having sex with a girl… so I think in the coming episodes he’s going to turn out to be bi or pansexual or something… sigh. But for now, he’s gay. And he’s a kick-ass gay. And he’s the bad boy cowboy of my dreams.

michael roswell

Oh sweet Lord.

Oh.

my.

sweet.

dear.

lord.

above.

Oh Lawd!, I’m feeling the vapors! Somebody catch me, I’m gonna’ faint!

faint

But aside from the the hot man candy in the show, it’s just great in general. It’s larger than life. It’s got aliens. Epic chases. Adventure. Friendship. Love.

It’s everything the teenage me never got to experience, and you know what, I don’t mind indulging in it now. I’m allowed to. I missed out on too much life then, so I’m allowed to be 29 watching shows for teenagers now. Deal with it.

Throughout the week I’ve felt such a rush of… well, feeling human. Kind of funny. A show about aliens helps me feel human. But, it does. It makes me feel excited. it makes me feel horny. It makes me have a crush. It makes me want my life to be more fulfilled.

roswell new mexico

Look, I get inspired in there weirdest of places, and I don’t give a fuck. As long as it happens. The show is making me determined to be more social. I want to find a cute boy. I think I’m allowed that. And I want to keep striving for adventure.

I have completely melted into a dumbass teenager. But who knows, maybe that’s good sometimes. Sometimes, maybe we all need to remember the joy, the rush and the excitement we felt when we were young. Being an adult is hard. It zaps all our energy. It’s full of pain and stress. Feeling young again is good for you, right? So, stay home tonight, put on Roswell and geek out.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

Fall is Apple Season! The Best Fiona Apple Songs for Autumn

fiona apple

We just had our official transition into Fall a few days ago, and October 1st is just a few days away. We are well on our way, chugging full speed into pumpkin pie, apple cider, horror movies, and Martha Stewart’s wreathes made from autumnal leaves and acorns.

Ah yes, Fall is the time for hearth-baked memories, cozy snuggle-wuggles, and of course, Fiona Apple. There is something about Fiona Apple music that just screams AUTUMN. I have been a huge fan of Apple’s since I first discovered Criminal in the 6th grade. Since then, she is my autumn playlist.

Here are some of the best Fiona Apple songs to get your Fall on. Ready for an Autumnal pun? … It’s time to fall in love with Fiona Apple…. Not funny? Well, I was also thinking about some sort of “Fiona Apple Cider” But that just didn’t work. SHUT UP! Stop making fun of me, and just listen to some great music:

 

Oh, Sailor

Oh, Sailor is the perfect combination of melancholy and bliss for the start of fall. Think late-September, early-October ran showers. When it’s still warm enough to have the windows open, but you can feel a definite cool rush of air fill the world as the rain falls down.

 

Paper Bag

That piano and the strange bass that lives within Fiona Apple’s voice.  This song is definitely for cloudy days when you’re wearing a jacket, watching the world slow down as it prepares for winter. There’s a pain to the song, which somehow seems to fit Fall perfectly.

 

Why Try to Change Me Now

An album dedicated to the music of Cy Coleman, Apple’s version of Why Try to Change Me Now is simply autumn in every way. Just listen to this song and close you eyes. This song is a coffeeshop, late October. The leaves are falling. You’re drinking something warm and most likely pumpkin-spiced. Don’t lie, you know you are. Accept it, admit it, and embrace it.

 

Criminal

Classic Fiona Apple. Classic 90’s. Classic angst. Just classic, simply, simply, Classic. This song takes you back to easier times. Back to pre-9/11 Autumns. Autumns before cell phones and twitter. Autumns when movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer were in theaters and you didn’t have to worry about a mass shooting every time you saw a movie….

 

Sally’s Song

Did you know Fiona Apple did a version of the classic Nightmare Before Christmas song? And did you know that it’s absolutely amazing? Throughout the month of October, this must be on your playlist. It captures the bleakness and creepiness that is October, and it’s a great way to get you ready for Halloween. Oh Fiona, you magical creature…

 

Frosty the Snowman

November can be tricky. It’s still autumnal, and yet, Halloween is over and the holidays are just a few weeks away… So what to do? Should you be celebrating autumn? Or preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Well… what if you could do both? Fiona Apple’s version of Frosty the Snowman is the perfect way to bridge the seasons. It’s a holiday tune that’s preformed in a classic coffeeshop style. So, this mid-November. Pick up a pumpkin spice or gingerbread latte, play this song, and enjoy autumn turn to winter.

PS – Did you read the news about Fiona Apple calling people out for sampling her music without credit or pay?  I’m #TeamFiona every day of the week! 

 

~ The Dark Horse