I Miss Halloween

Let me guess, you’re upset about Halloween.

Oh, boo hoo!

Well guess what, Halloween as an adult sucks anyways.

I miss being a kid. I miss dressing up for Halloween. I miss cheesy haunted houses. I miss trick-or-treating. 

At one point, Halloween changed. It transformed from innocent childhood fun into shallow, cunty adulthood. The exciting parties filled with caramel apples and Hocus Pocus turned into a bunch of sluts, half naked, getting drunk and high off their asses, looking for sex.

Everyone else seems to love this. Getting drunk and trying to get fucked is apparently what humans do. 

Every weekend. 

Every holiday. 

Every vacation. 

It’s all just another chance to get fucked up and get fucked.

And I hate it. I’m bored of it. I’m nauseated and depressed by how mediocre, generic, and destitute everyone is. And to think they call it adulthood. Trick-or-treating is “for kids”. Yet, purposefully hindering your brain with substances so you can scream, yell, gossip, and hunt for cock all night is somehow grown up? 

Halloween died years ago, along with my interest in the human race. Fuck humans. Fuck Halloween. Fuck my life.

~ The Dark Horse

Autumn Writing Playlist

When I write all my fall articles at work, I like to listen to a great autumnal soundtrack. Things that get me in the mood to write about the changing season. Here’s some songs that I think pair perfectly with the falling leaves, cooler days, and hot tea.

Stay, Lisa Loeb

This song is so amazing because it just transports me to a better time. A time when Scream was in theaters. A time before 9/11. A time when Halloween could still be enjoyed without masks and the looming threat of a dictatorship…

It’s innocent and oh so very 90s…

Sally’s Song, Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple’s version of The Nightmare Before Christmas classic is the perfect October tune. It’s calm, easy, and slightly haunting. There’s also a version by Amy Lee, but I think Apple sings with such a melancholy that pairs perfectly with a cloudy, chilly fall day.

Leaving Las Vegas, Sheryl Crow

I ran away into the woods once. After college in LA I just couldn’t handle how depressed I was, or how I lacked the ability to connect with other people socially. So, I took a job in the middle of Canada’s Northwest Territories. I had uploaded Crow’s Greatest Hits album to my iPod before making the journey (because we only had power 2 days a week, so I could charge my iPod during those days to play music). Leaving Las Vegas always makes me think of escaping LA and running away into the woods. Autumn comes early that far north, starting early September. Our nights were filled with the aurora and our mornings were met by the sounds of loons. I’ll always love the memories this song brings me.

Silver Stallion, Cat Power

Cat Power’s version of Silver Stallion is way better than the original. It’s so soft, subtle, and dreamlike. I remember listening to this song on my drives home from work at night (I worked retail). The dark streets with the wind blowing leaves in front of the headlights. Wonderful, wonderful fall tune.

Kill My Sorrow, Joy Kills Sorrow

This song is my life. When I have depressive episodes, and walk through Manhattan feeling like the loneliest person alive, when I feel like a failure, and I wonder why I ever even tried to make my life better…this is my song. “I’m stuck lurking under the great city above…”

Plus, with it having this folky, bluegrass style, it just reminds me of being home in Ohio. Of being a kid. Of being excited about autumn with caramel apples and Halloween candy. Part of me always wants to cry with this song.

The Monster Mash

Look. I’m gay, so I’m all about campy fun – and the song Monster Mash is straight-up CAMP. How can you honestly live through October without listening to The Monster Mash? Buy yourself a bag of candy, dress up in a costume, move the furniture in your living room, put this song on, and dance! (even writers need to take a break!)

*** This isn’t proofread because I literally am not able to edit the blocks…. fuck this new WordPress***

I Hate The New WordPress

This new WordPress layout is absolute garbage. It’s clunky, it slows everything down, and it’s completely useless. It’s like WordPress was like, “Hmmmm, let’s just change it up for the sake of changing it, not because it’s actually helpful in any way.”

Like this whole “Blocks” nonsense? Seriously, WTF?

Writing a post feels like a chore now. And I understand that anytime there’s an update there’s always a group of people who go “Why does it have to change???” And then they bitch and complain. I’m not normally that person. It’s just that the new WordPress editor literally makes no sense. It’s just a bad deign. It’s like when Seattle’s Best coffee changed its logo.

The new logo is NOT better. It just isn’t. And the change happened like 10 years ago, and I STILL THINK IT WAS WRONG.

Like adding an image in-between paragraphs now….WHY? Just why does it have to take so many steps?

Does anyone else agree? What are your thoughts on the new layout? Does anyone else hate it?

~The Dark Horse

(this wasn’t’r proofread because I refuse to proofread on such an atrocious editing platform.)

RIP America. You Won’t Be Missed

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I was shocked to see that the day after the debate, the narrative about it was that “Trump and Biden both did nothing but interrupt each other and look stupid.” This was all over the news and was the common consensus of people I spoke with.

I just sat there, dumbfounded.

Was I the only one who watched Trump tell his cult members to “Go watch the polls”?
Was I the only one who watched Trump tell his cult members to “Stand by”?

AMERICA. I’M AT A POINT WHERE I SAY THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY…

HOW

FUCKING

STUPID

ARE

YOU

PEOPLE?

What the flying fucking christ on a goddam cracker has happened to your brains?

I am so ashamed that I live in the same country as you. I’m ashamed that you exist. I’m ashamed that you’re allowed to vote. You’re so stupid that you belong caged, unable to interact with the world because you clearly aren’t capable of existing without destroying yourself and everything around you.

Remember back you people gleefully invaded Iraq to “give them democracy”?

Isn’t it funny how we’re now controlled by an evil dictator who controls his own terrorist group? But yeah, Trump and Biden are just the same….

Anyways, I know you’re all retarded and delusional, but here’s the reality of the situation – Things are only going to get worse. People are going to die. You’ve dug a grave for this entire nation. And soon, we will all be forced to lie in it.

Mary Anne Bell – My Hero

Did anyone else have to read that horrible fucking Vietnam War book The Things They Carried back in high school?

Seriously, is there anything worse than having to listen to some old straight man have a full-blown circle jerk of war nostalgia? Like, I fucking get it, blah blah blah, you had to man up, blah blah blah homoerotic shit between a herd of straight men, blah blah blah learned to be “one of the guys”. Fucking Christ, just kill me already.

But there was one character that I absolutely loved – Mary Anne Bell. She starts off as a sweet little innocent girl who visits her soldier boyfriend. Before long, she becomes obsessed with guerrilla warfare and the jungles of Vietnam.

She starts abandoning her boyfriend to hang out with the snipers and covert-ops team. She starts prowling the marshes with them during their nighttime raids. She even cuts the tongues off the dead and makes a necklace out of them.

After barely keeping myself awake for the entirety of that godawful book, I suddenly was like…Now THIS is a character I can relate to!

I think that this is my likely future. When America collapses into full-blown civil war after the election in November, I think I’ll go rogue. I’ll be like Mary Ann. I’ll cut the tongues off the dead. I’ll stalk the night. I’ll dance in the shadows. I’ll descend into madness…and I’ll enjoy it.

At the end of the her chapter (sadly, she’s only featured in one) she’s last seen prowling through the jungle, heading away from base, towards a mountain. She’s never seen again.

I love her. I want to be her. What an inspiration to children everywhere! She was probably the only cool character I ever got to read about in school. Scout and Boo Radley bored me. Dracula bored me. Frankenstein was such an overemotional bore. Unpopular opinion, but even Anne Frank bored me. The whole reason everyone loves that book is because, despite her awful situation, she remains such a normal girl…which I hated.

I’m not saying I had it worse than Anne Frank. There are few people in history who endured what she did. What I’m saying is that I simply didn’t relate to her. Her story is all about strong family bonds, coming-of-age, and falling in love. As the gay kid in Ohio, who had no friends and a family that was falling apart, it was something that just didn’t click with me.

Anne Frank died at the age of 15. She had already cuddled and kissed and died years before I ever had my first kiss (I’ve still never been in love.) Again, please let me restate here – I’m not saying I’ve had it worse. Anne Frank is an absolute hero and lived through devastation and died at the hands of monsters. I’m simply saying that the life depicted in her diaries isn’t something that I ever clicked with.

Well, as a closeted person, I got the hiding aspect. But sadly, the Jewish community is extremely homophobic, so it was kind of hard to connect with the story in that regard, knowing that the Frank family themselves probably would have hated me.

But Mary Ann. That monster of the dark. What an amazing character. I got her. I liked her. I miss her.

I hope she survived. I hope she’s currently living off the corpses of murdered tourists in the Vietnam jungle. What a life!

~ The Dark Horse

(not proofread.)

There Isn’t Enough Tea in the World to Deal with 2020

I’m trying. I really, REALLY am. But my fucking god, America is such a piece of shit.

And so, I drink my tea because it’s the last good part of life anymore. For the 15 minutes when I’m drinking from my mug of freshly-brewed hot tea (made from loose leaf, NEVER use tea bags) things seem a little better.

Other Americans might use pot or meth, or a delusional belief that Trump is God, to cope with how shitty life is, but not me. For me, my drug is Darjeeling, Gunpowder Green, and Assam. That smooth, bold flavor. That earthy undertone. That delicious, warm reminder that good things still exist – be it few and far between.

But really, how much longer can this go on for? How much longer can Trump be our dictator? How much longer can his lies go unpunished? How many more people need to be killed in this country? How many more need to die from COVID? There’s only so much tea I can drink in a day. And it seems like no number of cups is enough to make me forget that this country is a joke.

But alas, what can I do? Obviously, I’m voting democrat down ballot in November. And I troll Trump on social media, because I think it’s important for his supporters to hear opposing views. But unfortunately, with our government being rigged the way it is, there’s nothing that can be done. When the White House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court have all decided to be puppets of Trump, there’s nothing the average person can do besides start a Civil War.

And what’s even worse is that Trumpers would absolutely love a Civil War. They’re delusional and believe that they’re the best things that ever existed. In their minds, they surely would never die. And, they’re mindless, selfish Christians, so even if they do die, they’re convinced there’s a God above that loves them more than anyone else, and they’re convinced there’s a heaven that will most certainly let them live eternally in bliss… Their stupidity is what gives the Republican Party its power. They’re just lemmings. Angry, unintelligent lemmings.

~ Dark Horse

not proofread.