Monthly Archives: December 2013

That Obligatory New Years Post (but this one is different)

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So, to start, New Years is my least favorite holiday, rivaled only by Saint Patricks Day.  Facebook becomes filled with annoying status updates about blah blah 2013 was such a great year and Im so grateful and 2014 is sure to better blah blah blah….. and then all the popular people of the world put on their hooker heels and go clubbing and get so obnoxiously drunk that by midnight every street corner is filled with some screaming drunk asshole.  and EVERYONE makes those stupid resolutions that they never keep.

So, to make it simple let me explain with memes.  So most people view New Years resolutions with this delusional puffy cotton candy naivety and it comes out like this:

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But when i hear them blabber on about it all I hear can best be described by meme number 2:

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But my resolution, and i think the resolutions for anyone who is reading this blog is to make a life resolution 

Not something shallow like, “Ill get a six pack by summer” or something uselessly vague like, “Ill experience more” (which, what the flying fuck does that mean?)  Don’t you hate when people make these horribly vague and meaningless resolutions? I just look at them and smile…but inside I’m giving em a good bitch slap.

But yes, back to life resolutions.  Im going to make a resolution to follow for the rest of my life.  For example one thing I need to do is stop with the hooking up.  Using sex to fill a void in my life is only going to continue to hurt me.  And I know what that void needs to be filled with.  Its love.  I need to feel loved.  But sex with some guy I meet online is never going to bring that.  Ive gone about 2 weeks without an online hook up and with the help of therapy and my own damn determination to be the best I can be, I hope to stay that way for the rest of my life. 

I also understand that I need to open myself up for love.  I need to stop having that wall that Ive had for so long because it causes me to not let anyone in.  And I end up feeling alone…which leads me to going on Craigslist…which obviously just continues the cycle

Ok, so thats my 2 life resolutions that Ive already started working on but will continue to do so.  What are yours?  How are you going to change you lives today?  Right now in fact!  Start Now!

I shall leave you with this sappy, instagram-looking, meme created most likely by some hipster… see ya bitches in 2014!

Love, The Dark Horse 

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oh and PS, not sure if I mentioned this yet but I totally don’t proof read theses….I just think and type so sorry if there are mistakes!

IM TAKING BACK MY LIFE, AND YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

OH BABY IM ON A ROLL! 

So, I have yet to start living my life.  I think I’ve brought this up before.  Growing up I had no friends, was made fun of, and just worked so I could leave my hometown. Then college obviously sucked cuz everyone in college is just like how they were in high school, so that was 4 more years of not fitting in with anyone

SO NOW, Im ready to live bitches!  and no fucking depression, anxiety, panic, or agoraphobia is gonna get in my mother fuckin’ way! 

So, one thing Im doing is NOT LETTING IT BRING ME DOWN!!!!!

I force myself outside everyday.  To do something, anything.  Obviously on days I work Im working for 8 hours, but even on my days off I will make myself do something.  Grocery store, go buy something that i want and don’t need (thats my little incentive haha!) or go for a walk with the roomie.

Now, I know what you’re saying.  “Its hard” or “Im scared” or “But Im going to pass out”  and look I totally understand the fears.  I have them myself, but I have a secret weapon.  In fact, we all have a secret weapon!  its called LIFELINE

Lifeline is a free, confidential service for ANYTHING.  Anytime your depressed, anxious, scared, suicidal, ANYTHING.  Give them a call.  There is no worse feeling in this world than feeling alone.  and NEVER BE AFRAID TO CALL THEM!

I used to be so afraid to call and I thought either they wouldn’t be able to help, or they would think that I’m being a drama queen or something. But then one day I finally broke down and did it and it was amazing.  They are so kind and so caring. 

So what I do is I voce myself to go out everyday.  And when the pain gets too big for me to handle, instead of running back inside I call them and I talk it out.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY.  they are literally a lifesaver! 

In the USA call

1-800-273-8255

in Australia call

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To get us started, look at this photo…. it will make you laugh (seriously, if you haven’t seen Muppet Treasure Island, drop everything and see it now!)

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But for real, get ready… click on this link and open this song in a new window before you read on (Its a good adventure starting song!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s17XDrKuqc4

ITS TIME TO TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!

HOP BACK ON THAT HORSE, RACH UP FOR THE HAND THAT WILL HELP YOU!

ITS TRUE, WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC AND THERES A STORM IS RAGING ON THE HIGH SEAS

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NEVER GIVE UP.  NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT, BECAUSE IN THE END YOU KNOW YOURE STRONGER THAN THE COMMONER!

STAND UP, KICK ASS, AND ROCK THIS SHIT OUT BECAUSE ONCE WE GET BETTER WE WILL FIND A PARADISE THE COMMONER WILL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

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AND WE SHALL BE AT PEACE.

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~The Dark Horse

 

AIRPORTS! Or,How flying can make you feel better!

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Seriously… Does anything make you feel either more excited or more dreadful than airports and flying?   For me, Im the excited type.  I love flying and airports and all that comes with it.  If you’re the type who dreads it Im here to change your mind.  In fact, Im here to talk about how I think flying can help people who have depression and anxiety feel better! 

For starters, just think of it.  You’re in an airport terminal.  Where are people going?  Another state?  Another country?  Another continent?   And why are they going?  What caused your paths to cross in the same terminal?  

The best thing about flying is that EVERYONE has a story!  

So, this brings me to RULE 1 of why air travel rocks and how it can make you feel better. Start a conversation.  Look, you’ve got a few hours with nothing to do.  Will it kill you to have some human interaction during that time? For me, I feel so lonely in life.  I feel so alone and isolated and I feel like i have no friends, so being stuck right next to complete strangers for is like heaven for me.  Start a conversation with them!!!!!  It helps you focus on something other than your internal thoughts (which, for everyone out there with depression or anxiety, it is our internal thoughts that end up driving us crazy).  

AND REMEMBER, EVEN IF THE CONVERSATION IS CRAZY, JUST EMBRACE IT! 

I remember one flight I talked to this man who worked for the now defunct car company Saturn and it was during their downfall and he was just losing it with his papers and was going on and on about how saturn was falling apart and the industry in general.  Granted, not the most uplifting conversation, but it was cool to hear the inside gossip of the auto industry especially during that time when shit was blowing up in their faces

I also had a conversation one time where this lady was spilling her guts about how her husband hadn’t had sex with her for four years but had a porn addiction and she thought he was secretly gay but her dad was a pastor so she couldn’t get a divorce and yadda yadda yadda.  That was a great flight.  I got off that plane like, FUCK my life is actually pretty damn good! 

But I’ve also had some really great conversations about politics and life and stuff with random strangers too! 

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And rule 2 would be to enjoy your time in the terminal.  Yes, security, lines, waiting, taking off your shoes and such can seem super annoying.  But do you have any idea that travel makes you a better person?  How it broadens your mind?  How it makes you experience new things?  I mean just think, there are people who have never flown before!  There are people who either don’t have the money or are just not inclined to leave the world they know.  Like back in my hometown in Ohio, I know some people who have never really left the state!  

It is such a mind opening experience seeing new things and meeting new people from all over, and airports are the way to do it!  When I’m waiting for my flight I always walk up and down all the terminals looking at all the call signs and seeing where the planes are going.  I mean seriously, how cool is it that you can walk down an isle and see one plane leaving for Toronto, another for Seattle, and then another for London.  Just look at all those people, all of them about to be scatted all over the globe, but for right now, for this moment… were all together. All in one little happy (well, sometimes unhappy) global family stuck in airport terminal!

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and finally comes rule 3.  and I might lose you guys on this one.  During the holidays especially, or anytime when you have a delay or something. EMBRACE IT?  just think, when your flight gets delayed at least you’re not alone! The other 200 people on your flight are going through the same thing!  Or say Thanksgiving weekend when the line is literally wrapped around the door.  Just remember you’re not the only one in that line!  Tons of other people are too.  I love that feeling of ‘were all in this together’.   Yes its annoying but hey talk about it!  Start bitching about it to the guy behind you!  He will love to join in!  its a way to take what some perceive as a lonely experience and it makes it communal.  EVERYONE hates when something wrong at an airport.  Just embrace the little airport family that you have at that moment.  Feel the rush of the moment.  The heightened senses!  Feel the crowd not as a danger or announce, but of a group that you’re finally a part of! 

 

Ok, so thats my little speech on air travel.  I hope others out there love flying as much as me!  Anyone else have any activates that make them feel good inside?  Let me know!

Alright Bitches, its Time To Get Happy

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So the reason why I decided to blog wasn’t to just whine and bitch about my life (which, granted, is something I love.  But the point was to get better and inspire others to get better!  its time to talk about how Im going to be happy in life and talk about the spark that lives inside.

Before you start reading, Need some inspiration?  Play Defying Gravity from Wicked.  Literally some amazing lyrics about traveling down your own path and finding happiness.  Also, its just a good upbeat and powerful song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlMBcTGJ4YM  Not feeling music?  Thats ok too! 

There is a fire inside of me.  And not a mere light.  Not a flame.  but a raging, burning, out of control forest fire that nobody can control. iI have had this desire to change the world and no motherfucker is gonna bring me down.

I have seen there bad side of people.  My parents, teachers, employers, classmates, and co-workers.  

NOBODY EVER BELIEVED IN ME, OR EVEN LIKED ME

To understand me.  You MUST understand that.

Lets flashback to Freshman year when I said I was going to lose the weight (being 200 pounds).  Who believed in me?  Nobody

Or, Sophomore year when I said I was going to bring up my grades, get a job to make money, and find a way to get out of my bunk ass hometown and move to LA to make movies to inspire people

Or that time in junior year when i used my own money to go to film camp for 2 weeks over the summer.

How bout that time when i applied for USC, and UCLA?  Does anyone remember that?  Anyone remember who was there with me?  Hmmm?  I do remember my guidance councilor at school telling me that I was going to get my heart broken and that I was better suited for community college.  

Well lets recap.  i did lose the weight. I had thirty three thousand dollars saved up when I graduated high school, I graduated with a 4.0

Did I get myself to LA?  Not yet….but I wasn’t done yet.  I was deferred to Chicago for a year and half where once again nobody believed me until January 2010 when I finally made it to LA and actually ended up becoming a model.

There are SO many more accomplishments I’ve made in my life that I’ve been proud of.  The time I lived in the woods for three months, and now this, the time I was able to move to Australia! 

So look.  the bottom line is DONT FUCK WITH ME.   I CAN DO LITERALLY ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO.

Now to all of you readers out there?  What are you proud of?  What can you feel good about yourself for?  Lets do it! Lets not be upset.  Lets not let the wolves of this world make us feel bad about ourselves.  We are fucking beautiful and amazing.   

Lets Get Happy! 

~ The Dark Horse

Bleed Like Me, or How My Blog Got its Name

So the name of my blog is from this amazing song by the band Garbage called “Bleed Like Me”

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=690k85FQNXs < Watch the video here! 

 

 So for anyone out there who hates themselves you can probably relate to this song and probably have heard it before. If you haven’t give it a listen because its amazing.

At the end I just love where she says, “You should see my scars”  because that is what I want.   It seems nobody understands or believes what I’ve been through or how bad its hurt me.   Its as if mental wounds aren’t real like physical ones.  They don’t get that years of being beaten up and made fun of and having nobody to talk to has ruined me inside.  its made me bitter, angry, and hateful. I had nobody to talk to.  My parents were of no support back then, teachers would hear people call me fag, or throw things at me and they would just look away.   I was an untouchable because nobody wanted to be seen talking to me or associating with me because it would ruin their social standing.

so I’ve gone my whole life carrying these wounds.  Carrying this broken heart and crushed soul inside me and nobody cares.  Nobody wants to listen.  At most you get a shrug and someone giving you some bullshit line like, “Well hey!  You’re not in Ohio anymore so thats good right?” 

People don’t understand why I can’t make friends.  They don’t understand why Im afraid of people.  Why I judge them.  Why I’m so afraid of being judged by them….and I feel they never will.  I fear that nobody will ever care about me or how I feel.\

ya know what?  ya know what i want?  what i think would make my life so much better?  would be for this:

When i tell someone about my past, instead of hearing, “oh get over it”, or, “ya, I’ve had hard times too but I’ve moved on”  or some shit like that I just want someone to say, “God, ya know what….that sounds like it must have been shit”. 

Just someone to believe me and believe how hurt I still am….I wish someone could see how big my scars are.  

 

 

Alone for Christmas

hey everyone… so the Dark horse is having a Dark Christmas.  

Im from Ohio and this is my first Christmas away from home.. and it is my first warm Christmas….. which is weird and quite awful.  

So I’m used to Christmas looking like this,

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But instead… It looks like this…

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which, I’m sorry to all you Australians, in general I love ya…. but this not Christmas.   This is a disaster of a holiday.

 

Compounding on that problem.  Im completely alone right now  Its about 3pm on Christmas day and I sit here alone in my apartment.  The sun shining, its about 85 degrees outside.  Everyone else in this city is having the time of their fucking lives.  Friends, family, pavlova, the beach, beers… and I’m…sad….alone….miserable…. 

I signed up for this though.  I knew that moving to Australia 3 months before Christmas meant that I obviously would not be spending it with family.  But I guess I thought id have someone by now…. I thought Id have a big group of friends or a boyfriend.  I for some reason thought my life was going to completely change here in Australia. i thought I was going to find that the grass was greener in the other hemisphere.   

The warmth is kind of good though.  Because its hot and sunny and stuff it doesn’t really feel like Christmas.  Like I don’t feel like Im really missing Christmas because it feels so not like Christmas.   

Im not ready to give up yet though.  I do believe that there is a purpose for me here in Australia. I think something good is to come…it has to be… doesn’t it?   Things can’t always stay bad.  At some point things have to get better….right?