Monthly Archives: January 2014

Cyber Masturbation, Or, The Vanity Of Social Media


Ok,  so far in this blog Ive talked about how Im depressed and never got along with people and so forth, but Ive never actually talked about my problems wit society and why I find it so hard to relate to people

So, now is the time! 

Im going to start with social media and how I believe it keeps us down.  

So right now, think of every stupid app that is on your phone and laptop.  Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Foursquare, and probably a few other floaters.   Now, everyone Im sure has a combination of these, but I know that scary amour of people literally have ALL of these.

And I can see why.   It allows the common person to feel like a superstar.  It allows any Joe Schmo to turn any day into a means of self promotion.

For example, Its Saturday night, what going on?  

Facebook Status about how excited you are of the night

Instagram selfie of you all dressed up in your club wear. 

Then you arrive at the club, bar, or house party, wherever the fuck you cool kids go

Then you may check in on Foursquare, which is also linked and shows up on your Facebook wall

During he night you’ll probably Instagram more selfies, and more selfies, and when you get bored of Instagraming them, you’ll Snapchat more selfies…. God the amount of selfies I see people take in one night is 

Perhaps a cute little tweet on Twitter as well, something, like, “OMFG Club is packed, party on bitchez!!!!!!”  (note this could also double as a Facebook statues during the night as well.

And why do you all do this? Because of the good feeling you get when you wake up the next morning and see all the people who liked your photos, commented on your statuses, told you how jealous they were of you, 



So its all for the cheap high people get from knowing that, for some reason, people out there give as shit about the everyday mundane tasks of life.

The masturbation is the feeling people get

every “like” is a stroke of the dick.  And you always want more.  Just ego high, ego high, ego high, over and over and over, constantly loving the stroke, stroke, stroke.

And the problem with this? 

I think there are many

1.) It distracts you from just living life.  You’re so consumed with sharing everything and thinking you’re a celebrity that you’re not fully engaged in the moment

2.) It keeps you shallow.  Craving “likes” and comments and “followers” and that stupid shit is really just the popularity comest of high school brought out into the larger world.  But you’re still living you’re life based on looking good and being popular

3.) it distracts you from the bigger picture.  For example, real problems.  Problems in politics, climate, human/animal rights, bullying, the greater good.  All of these just stay on the back burner when you become so consumed in the cheap everyday highs of the social media world

So, that is a big reason why I don’t get along with many people, more to come

Sorry for sounding like a condescending douche, I swear if you met me you’d know I’m a total twat

~The Dark Horse 

(PS, as always, not proof read)

Did You Know Its Summer Here In Australia? Or, Lets Not be Sad, Lets Have Fun


So, yes, to all you Americans reading this.  It is the middle of summer right now down under!  (and for any Australians reading thins, you’re probably massively annoyed that Im amused by that)  

But yes.  It is Summer part two for me!  Its crazy that just 3 months ago I was finishing up my Summer part one.  

But yeah, its true.  Talk about the Endless Summer! 

Anyhoo, the point of this is to talk about enjoying your time here on Earth…. which is something i massively struggle with.  But Hot days, warm night,that kind of smell that is just in the air in summer.   All the people enjoying their fun time in the warm weather.

I need to use this to motivate me.  I want to have my summer fun.  Summer fling?  Summer love?  Hey, even Summer friends.   Just kind of something to make me feel human.  Something to remind me that life is worth living

Everyone else is so busy enjoying themselves, why shouldn’t we? 

Dear Anxiety and Panic: Fuck Off, Im Done With You




The panic attacks and anxiety are less and less scary and more and more unnerving…. 

Like, Im literally just ANGRY that it keeps happening.  its like, WHAT THE FUCK?  Do, you know how annoying you are Mr. Panic?  HMMMM????  Do you have any idea how much I don’t want to deal with you? 

The panic and anxiety are increasingly become less and less a part of me and more of an enemy.  Someone who I want to kill. Someone I want to piss off. Someone I want to drive fucking crazy.

So, Im going to do something…. I have no medical proof if this is safe or effective, BUT I DONT CARE BITCHES! 


Panic and anxiety wanted to pick a fight, well dammit they’re gonna get one! 


SO, this method is what I’m calling EXTREME EXPOSURE.

Heres the plan: Im going to do everything I can to be in public, all the time.  Im going to put myself in horrible situations and just force myself to deal with.  

Today going to work I got off the tram early and walked through the CBD, and decided to just walk all the way home.  Yesterday I filled my day with random errands.  And more is to come.  Bars, markets, who the fuck cares, as long as there are people there and anxiety to be felt IM FUCKIN DOIN IT! 

So, either Im going to come out triumphant….or, Im going to die….I guess well see?

So, how bout you guys?  If anyone out there has overcome anxiety or panic, how did you do it?  And, if you’re like me, and are still going through it… well, lets kick some ass! 

~ Give em’ hell,

The Dark Horse 

Its Time To Emerge From Rock Bottom


So, alone, anxious, depressed.. blah blah blah, you bitches have heard it all before.

Ok lets get down to it.  You know I’m fucking miserable and lonely and all that stuff but life does go on doesn’t it?

So, today after therapy I bought a yoga mat.  If I don’t have the energy to go to the gym, I will bring the gym to my living room.  i will not let this annoying little problem ruin me!

 just because Im weak, panic easily, and suffer from anxiety attacks while in public doesn’t mean that I can’t live a normal life dammit! …

Well, actually….


Also, got my had cut today and went to the grocery store.  Im forcing myself out into public and even though i sweat and worry and have trouble breathing and all the other annoying symptoms, I WILL STILL KEEP TRYING!

Because, if I don’t, Im basically already dead.

So how ’bout you guys out there?  Dear reader, what challenges do you have in your lives right now and how will you get through them?

What Am I Looking For?


So, here I am, living in Melbourne…looking to do things Ive never done before and looking to finally find some happiness and…I hate to be so annoying and stuff but, I think I’m ready for that…. i think Im ready for love.  

So there is this boy that Ive been talking to and he has been driving me completely crazy.  I don’t know if he likes me how I like him and I keep telling myself thats fine.  

That its better this way because there is less chance of me getting hurt

But in reality…I’m lying.

I want to be in love.  Im ready to find someone who cares for me and whom I care for in return.  Im ready to be completely open and spill my beans to someone, and I want someone to do the same with me.

I want to open my life to someone, as well as be welcomed with open arms into someone else’s life.

i want to look at my phone and smile when i see they’ve texted me, and I want them to smile when they see I’ve texted them too….


Yes, I am annoying I know… but hey, its progress right?

~ In Love and Pain,

The Dark Horse

(PS- as always, this post isn’t proof read, sorry!) 

But in reality, I’m lying to myself


One Thing You Cant Say Is That Im Not Trying, Or, Suicide Is Not An Option


So, as much as I hate to admit that I like a David Spade movie… Joe Dirt had some great moments.  In fact, I rather liked it.  And ya know, Joe is right.  You just gotta keep on keepin’ on.

I had therapy today and I talked to my therapist and I told her how, even though I think life sucks right now, I have no other options.  What am I going to do, kill myself?  I could NEVER kill myself. When I die I have an eternity of nothingness. After 70 or 80 short years, we will have nothing but… well…. nothingness. So why end it any sooner than you have to?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.  If anyone out there is considering suicide, don’t do it. No matter how bad things seem.  No matter how many people you feel are against you.  Don’t commit suicide.

I could tell you some reasons why, like, because if you do, all those people who have treated you badly will win. They will have their ultimate triumph…your life.  Or I could tell you how life is short and not to make it any shorter, or I could even say something like any life lost is a tragedy…. and I do believe all of those things…but that’s not the main reason you shouldn’t commit suicide.  The main reason is this:

You are better and stronger than everyone else. 

So lets talk facts.  A whopping majority of the population in developed western countries don’t know shit about emotion.  They don’t know how to feel like we do. They don’t understand.

Most people don’t know the extreme situations.  Whether your story be rape, abuse, bullying, physical ailments, self harm, loneliness, depression, anxiety, or any other major problem that holds you down. MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER HURT THAT MUCH IN THEIR LIVES. That’sprobably why most of you feel so alone and isolated.  I know from personal experience.  Trying to talk to the commoner about problems like that is just pointless. It feels like talking to a brick wall.


Though they may be kind of lucky that they can’t hit the lows like we can, they also can’t hit the highs.  We just have the capacity to feel more.  To see more. To know more.  We are actually the superior beings here.

So say there is a scale from 0 to 100. 0 is complete, crushing pain.  100 is complete euphoria, and 50 is like contentment.

The commoner can Maybe feel from like 40 to 60.  So they never get too hurt, but at the same time, what they know as happy, or accomplishment, or satisfaction, is only a fraction of what we can feel.  And I know it probably hurts SO MUCH right now but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!


The word needs you.

Take that pain and turn that shit around.  Whip that bitch off your back and make a turn for the good.  Create a non-profit.  Write a book about your experience.  Inspire others.  Do something with your life to help others who are in your shoes but have not yet felt the spark that they need to pull themself out of the hole.  That is what I’m hoping to do with this blog!

And if you ever ask yourself, “why me?”

Well the answer is because, there is nobody else.  We are the movers and the shakers in this world.  You think the commoner will ever do something great?  You think that football jock who used to beat you up will make any great contributions to the world?  Hell fuckin no! That bitch is sitting on his ass at a bar with some bunk ass wife.  Still in your hometown.  With kids.  And no plans to change anything.


Ya hear me bitches?  The world is ours!  Take all that pain and do something with it.  Use it to make the world a better place.  Im there for you and I believe in you.


if need help or are struggling with suicide, call:

1300 651 251 if you’re in Australia 


1 800 273 8255 if you are in the US

Rock that shit out!

~ The Dark Horse