Monthly Archives: January 2014

Hello Rock Bottom, Its Me, The Dark Horse…I Was Just Leaving

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So, yes…. long story short… the boy in question from the last post hung out with me again 2 nights ago and totally broke my heart and made me feel like shit and so now Im pretty sure its over and I’m back to square 1.

So, here is where Im at.

> I am living in a new country

> I have only one friend who is only a “kind of friend”… you all have a few of those I’m sure

> Im depressed because of a combination of my past, present, and fears of the future

> im rocking anxiety and panic 

 

So, where to go from here?  I guess, I can only go up.

I need to find that part of myself that can do anything. I need to remember that person I used to be where, even when everything would go wrong, I could still find the power to do anything I wanted.  I was like a raging locomotive hellbent on success.  There was no stopping me. 

Its time to become that person.  

I found this awesome quote from J.K. Rowling,

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Maybe this is what I was supposed to know all along.  I mean, Ive always wanted to use my past to inspire others and help others.  Take my pain and use it to help people who are not as far as along as I am.  

 So maybe rock bottom isn’t so much of a rock bottom after all, maybe its more of a learning ground.  Its a time for us to learn empathy and sympathy for others because lets face it, in our modern world we seriously lack empathy and sympathy.   

So how bout you guys out there, reading this.

Ho are you feeling today?  Have you ever experienced a rock bottom moment?  Have you gotten out of it?  Do you think you’ve learned form it?   Has it maybe made you a better person today?  

~The Dark Horse 

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Am I Being Played?

So, question for all you people out there, and I must confess that I ask this because I am completely clueless on the topic.  

Am I being played?  

So there is this boy that I’ve been talking to for a little over a month now.  We hang out, we cuddle, we talk, he sometimes initiates conversation via text…..but I get this odd feeling that he’s not into me.

For example>  He doesn’t seem affectionate towards me…. which is extremely weird to me… We cuddle and sleep together (real sleep, not sex) but he never tries to kiss me or say cute things to me.  He never says anything to make me feel good about myself.  its like were just friends that happen to share a bed twice a week

Also, he is better looking and MUCH more normal than I am.  Like, if I were to go to a club I would just stumble around and be weird and maybe a handicapped 60 year old MIGHT JUST decide to pity me and hit on me….but thats it.

He, on the other hand, is the type to go to a club, be super social, get shit faced and party like crazy, then walk home with any guy he wanted….

 

So yes, I know the sounds of this seem like he totally isn’t in to me… and that Im probably just desperate for love….which…yes, I will completely admit is probably true

 

But then last night we went to the bars with some friends and at midnight texted with

”  🙂 xxx”

and then at 4:55am I got a text reading,

“im so close to your apartment right now…”

 

WTF?  Are we friends?  Does he want me as a fuck buddy?  Was he just horny and willing to have sex with anything? Or am I just crazy….am I just being played by yet another douche bag in the game of life?  

Should I just stop thinking that its possible for anyone to like me?

~ The Dark Horse 

 

Feeling Down? Let Me Blow Your Mind!

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So, the photo above is a really famous picture called the pale blue dot.  The pale blue dot in question is Earth. Cant see us? Ok well the photo below should help

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So, everyone reacts the photo differently.  Some people get extremely depressed at how insignificant life on Earth is how meaningless we seem to the rest of the universe.  I see it as an amazing and awesome thing! The expansiveness of the universe is amazingly, mind-bogglingly huge!  

Why am I bringing this up you ask?  Well for me, this view of the universe being huge and us being so small really helps put life into perspective for me.

Just think.  Two countries are at war…. seems horrible to us.  People will die, buildings will fall, countries could literally crumble at the seams….but as far as the universe is concerned.  Who cares? We are a small planet in the backwaters of the universe.  What we do only hurts us.  Nobody, and nothing else outside of Earth gets affected.

So, i use that philosophy as part of why I want to be so good to people and why I want everyone to be good each other. In my mind, we all go to bed under the same moon. We all have to drink water and eat food.  We all want love.  We are so similar, and yet we tend to focus on nothing but our differences.  And on nothing but hate.  Why? Whats the point?

Worried about your popularity in high school? Willing to put others down to make yourself feel better?  Willing to use religion to demonize others? 

Or even worse…. willing to beat someone up?  Willing to steal?  Even willing to commit murder?  

But whats the point?  Think on a universal scale.  What does your popularity mean?  What does that pompous attitude really give you in life?  

At the end of the day, we are all we have.  I think we need to treat each other like the global family that we are.

And anytime you forget this, or you lose sight of whats important in life. Just look up at the night sky.

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 Look up and just gaze at the beauty and the astonishment that is the universe.  The vast and expansive hotbed of stars, planets, and moons.  Look up and really just remember how fragile we are.  How delicate life on Earth is.  And use that knowledge to help others. Remember others can be fragile just like you and everyone needs a helping hand.  

We need to look at people in a new light. Not as “others”, but as neighbors.  

~The Dark Horse