Like right now Im sitting here in the cafe. Ive got a nice fruit salad next to me and am drinking a jasmine tea. Its warm and cozy and I’m watching the rain outside. Im listening to some Norah Jones and I’m writing this… and yet my mind is still like.. “OK WHAT IS THE BAD EVENT AND WHEN IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN?”
I think my mind has been so conditioned to always be out on its own. To never let anyone in. To never trust or love. So its always on high alert… even when it doesn’t need to be
Like right now. there is no danger. Nothing is wrong. Everything is quite pleasant and yet the back of my brain is like… What if I have a blood sugar crash all of the sudden? (which I’ve never had one before). Or, how many more panic attacks can my heart take before it stops? Or what if I can’t handle the gym tonight. What if I’m getting dizzy?
Luckily for me I’m getting better. Much better. Like right now I’m able to sit here and be like… thats stupid and not realistic and theres no point in thinking that way.
But back a few months ago (I was really bad December to March) I would have days where I couldn’t leave the house. Or days where id be in the middle of the city and be like… FUCK! I’m bout to go down.
But now its time for to start feeling relaxed again. To start knowing when I’m a boat in a storm, and when I’m just.. well…. smooth sailing.
It feels good to be calm. To not give a shit.
Is it possible that as I sit here a freak heart attack could kill me? Yea i guess…. but if a freak heart attack comes it will come whether I’m sitting here waiting for it or not. Plus the strain of stress over a lifetime will bring it on anyways. So I think for our own safety we need to just get a grip and get over it!
So maybe we just need to relax. lets at least TRY to relax.
~With Ya Till The End,
The Dark Horse