Journal Entry May 18th, 2013

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So, life will never be the same.  Ever since that.  Senior year oh high school, when i found out i wouldn’t be going to LA.

The sparkle that life used to have.  The magic.  The possibility that I could actually be happy, have friends, feel safe, go places bigger and better…the idea that hard work would pay off…were all crushed. 

The final blow in the epic quest to destroy me. 

I could handle being gay and the shit it brought with it.  

I could handle all the family problems.

I could handle not having friends.

But learning that all my efforts: Every dollar I saved,  bringing my grades up in school, the essays, and all the risks i took to make my life better WERE ALL POINTLESS 

I never recovered from that.  And I fear I never will.

Ever since then Ive tried feeling whole again.  It never works.

I just feel so old, ugly, and jaded now.  People my age have no fears.  They ALL think they’re the coolest person alive.  They think everyone is a potential friend and that they could win any fight.  They will rush into any relationship because, what could go wrong 

They don’t know what i know.
They don’t know that EVERYTHING can go wrong. And they also don’t know that once everything goes wrong you are never the same.

You are just an empty shell.  Your heart and soul left your body a long time ago. The pain was too much.  They couldn’t go through it again.

But you are forced to.  You are forced to live.  Meet more bad people, have more dreams squashed, and all the while you just grow older, uglier, and continue to rot inside.

But now you can handle it.  When shit happens, you knew it was going to come anyway.  What more did you expect from this world?

And that hurts too.  Knowing that pain is just around the corner.

Knowing You Are Fucked.

Others don’t know why you are the way you are.  They think you’re just a drama queen or feeling sorry for yourself. 

I can’t wait for their lived to fall apart. I can’t wait for their entire to blow up. I want them to hurt like i hurt.

~The Dark Horse.

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