Monthly Archives: June 2014

Who Says You Cant Come Home? Or, Dealing With Visiting Home When Living Away

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So I flew home yesterday.  Ill be visiting my home in Ohio for almost 3 weeks before I head back down under.   And Already I’m seeing the massive differences between my new home and my hometown.

There are squirrels, bunnies, and deer here.  People dress differently.  Melbourne is a massive cultural hub and meeting point for the world.  Ohio is…. lots of people dressing in clothes they bought at Target.

Melbourne is full of trendy, in shape city people.  Toledo is full of obese, asthma-riddled blue-collar types.

And yet…. there is something oddly charming about my hometown now.  its quiet. REALLY QUIET.  No bustling trams or a busy international airport.   Instead there is lots of grass, fields, and parks.

This is what the riverbank looks like in Melbourne:

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and this is what the riverbank looks like in my hometown:

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But the real challenge will be dealing with the panic and anxiety.

Flying home was amazing!  I was worried that flying and being in the airport while being sick (which i was) would bring out the worst in my panic and anxiety.  But actually it was fine.  I had a really great time.  I love traveling!  i didn’t feel anxious at all during the entire 32 travel experience.

WHICH SHOWS ME THAT I HAVE MADE MASSIVE PROGRESS! 

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WHHHHOOOOOO YA BABY YA! 

So I think my plan is to relax while I’m here and really think about the progress I have made.  REALLY LET IT SINK IN.   FEEL THE CHANGES.  FEEL THE POWER I NOW HAVE. 

When I first started therapy back in December before I left I was like, “…..um…. this….ugh…this is embarrassing but… do you have any tips of ways I can stay calm when I step outside of this building?  Because Im worried I’m going to have a panic attack”

and now Ive crossed the globe while being sick and didn’t even break a sweat.

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So now I turn the spotlight to you dear reader.   Are any of you not realizing your success?   Are you guys like me?  Maybe you have been overcoming your obstacles, but instead of really focusing on it and embracing the changes and being happy about it, you’re nitpicking at the things you still do wrong?

Im gonna ask you to look inside yourself right now.  Think about this:  WAS I THE SAME PERSON 6 MONTHS AGO? 

Are you maybe better than think you are right now?  And then, no matter what you think.  Even if you think you’ve gotten worse over the last 6 months.

SIT BACK

TAKE A BREATH

SMILE (even if you don’t to)

and say, IM ALIVE AND TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. 

~Lets be nice to ourselves today!

The Dark Horse

 

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The Wind Of Change Are Here….Literally

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So Melbourne is up to its wintertime antics again.  Rain, and enough wind to blow a pro-wrestler off his feet.    its always quite exciting though!  Ive always wondered what the center of a tornado looks like and now I know!

The whole city rattles around.  Street signs blow over, you can feel you apartment blowing slightly side to side (which is horrifying), trash bins are gone… to where? …. the street.. parks… in the river, wherever the wind takes them really.

But I love it, especially right now!  I feel like so much is changing right now both inside and out.  Visiting home, moving to a new apartment, finding a new job, and inside Im feeling more fresh, rejuvenated, and ready to go.

Perhaps the winds inside have beckoned mother nature to match?  (well… its a nice thought anyway)

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How about you guys reading this?  Any of you feeling a certain little spark inside you maybe haven’t felt in a long time?

Maybe this is one those moments for YOU AS WELL?   HHHMMMM????  Perhaps there is a special magic little fire thats burning inside?  One that hasn’t been there in a long time?

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Im definitely happy about it.  All the depression, the panic, and the anxiety that I was like a giant weight on my back made me feel sick and weak everyday.   So I am quite happy that now the seas are getting rough, and the rain is falling by the bucketful!   Ive been numb for too long!

 

….now I know I used this for a blog a few days ago but i think its quite appropriate for today…

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IVE GOTTA GO!…WE’VE GOT COWS! 

The dark horse! (was this post proofread? ….I don’t think so!)

Ready To Run, Or, When Life Needs A Shake Down

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Im at that moment where Im just ready to run.

The past month has kind of sucked, and I was trying to deny it.  I was so proud of myself for making all the progress with the panic and anxiety, so the last thing I wanted to do was to be like… oh I’m in a shitty situation… but the reality of it was and is…I AM 

My job won’t be upping the hours anytime soon because its just a horribly ran business.  Im moving into a new apartment… theres nothing I can do about that…but hey, I never really was good friends with my roommate anyways.  And lets face it… Life has been pretty dead end here anyways.  I have been focusing on HOW WILL I GET THROUGH THE DAY because of the anxiety and panic… which was amazing at the time, and I really needed that period of sitting back and trying to make my life better each day because I was struggling each and every day.   But I’m not struggling anymore.  Im getting better and the OLD ME IS COMING BACK.  THAT ONE WHO WNATS TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO DO IT

This trip home will be good for me.  I am now excited… VERY excited for it.  Refresh, restart, and renew.  Come back fighting and ready to change the world, because right now my legs are tense….my heart is beating fast… I’m fidgeting everywhere, cuz baby….

Im Ready To Run 

Play this and read on! 

So goodbye life, its been nice…..

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This whole ordeal and all… The ups and downs.  The wins and losses…. and to be honest, it needed to happen.  I needed this period of rebirth and regrowth.  Some real time to just recover from all the pain and trauma of the past….

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But I must bid you all adieu.   For Something is calling… something big and grand.   A world is in need of someone to shake it up.  Anger some people, and bring about change

So, so long, and thanks for all the fish.

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The Dark Horse

 

 

When Im Sick I want To Be An Evil Villain

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Yes thats right.  hate me if you must but when I’m sick I’m a raging bitch, because being sick is SOOOOOOO miserable for me and I feel like I’m sick ALLLLLLLLL the time.

So yes here is the truth, you want to know my kryptonite?  Its the common cold!  Or the flu, or strep throat.  Whatever Ive happened to get this week.

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Oh yes.  Like Nancy from the Craft, I lose my mind and am taken over by a higher force…. an evil one.   I just want to infect the world with the illness I have and watch them suffer and sneeze and cough and struggle to swallow!

DAMN YOU CHILDREN WITH YOUR FAST METABOLISMS!

And your good looks, and your never-ending source of energy and hormones…. why am I falling apart constantly on the inside and you aren’t?

When I’m sick my thoughts are about as innocent as Mr. Burns…. as I plan to burn down the house of that really smart girl from high school who went to a better school than me!

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Or that football player who was a faster runner than Ill ever be..

OR BETTER YET!

WHY NOT TAKE THE WHITE HOUSE? 

YES YES THATS IT!   Why play petty games when I can take over the world?   I want everyone to know what its like for me when I’m sick! So ill enslave the masses, force them into cannibalism, and have them worship me like a God.  Then I will crush every dream they ever had…..yes yes yes!!! SLOWLY! PAINFULLY!

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YES THATS IT!  BOW TO MY EVIL SUPREMACY! 

There is no hope for this world…. not when I’m sick!

I WILL DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!!! …..Soon…..well soonish….

Well, my throat hurts and I’m tired… and Ive just ordered Chinese takeout….

Ugh… and a steamy shower sounds nice……

Maybe Ill just destroy the world another day?

 

This post has not been proofread because EVIL MASTERMINDS have no need for proofreading!

The Dark Horse (Or, Evil Professor Captain Night Dark Horse to you minions!)

They Who Lick Honey Off Knives, or The Culture Of Ongoing Pain

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So, we read this book in high school called The Lords Of Discipline.  And it was actually a pretty good book but what has always stuck with me was a quote from the main character talking about those who have hurt him and he says,

“The adversary who is truly formidable is the one who works within the fortress walls, singing pleasant songs while licking honey off knives”

This always stuck with me…  The idea of people who hate so much, and who are filled with so much pain that they are willing to really work toward destroying someone.   Like how for do you have rot away on the inside to be this person?

But then I kept rereading the quote over and over and reread the page its on and I remembered its about his mother, and how she hurt him without even knowing it.   She wasn’t even meaning to….it was more about how she never stood up against the norms.  She took her role as “Southern Woman” and so she participated in life as a Southern Woman.  Not standing up to her abusive husband, telling her son to do what a “southern boy” should do, teaching him to live the life of a “General’s son”…. but think about that

She lived her life based on roles that are PASSIVE and taught her children to be the same.

“Southern Wife”

“Southern boy”

“General’s son”

But NONE of these roles allow someone to be the person they WANT TO BE 

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And so many people live in this lifestyle.  Living out roles that have been picked for them, as if its somehow noble to give up who you want to be for who someone told you to be.  And worse, out culture  puts down people who try to be themselves.  People who go….Im a guy but I don’t like football are called gay.  Girls who don’t want to wear heels are called Dykes.  Ugly people who claim they want to be actors are called CRAZY. 

But really are they?  And whats better? Being a crazy gay dyke or being a pussy bitch who never tried to live their own life?

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I mean seriously, you wonder why America’s rates of depression, panic, anxiety, midlife crises, and suicide are so high??????  Maybe as a culture we need to look in the fucking mirror.   Really see the shithole we have dug for ourselves.   And I mean REALLY LOOK HARD 

Why is bullying seen as normal?  Why is it normal for guys to treat girls like shit?   Why is it normal to beat up gay people?

 WHY DO WE CARE ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE SO USELESS (Like gay marriage)

BUT THEN NEVER QUESTION PROBLEMS THAT ARE SO DAMN DESTRUCTIVE? (Like bullying/rape/suicide/) AND INSTEAD GO “boys will be boys” “kids will be kids” or my absolute favorite bullshit excuse… ‘Shit happens”

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Why do we live in a world of black and white?  There are so many beautiful colors in-between that so many people don’t even want to see because…. what?

IS BLACK AND WHITE AN EASIER LIFESTYLE? THERE ARE NO QUESTIONS TO ASK IN A BLACK AND WHITE WORLD…. WHAT IS JUST IS… 

ARE YOU JEALOUS BECAUSE YOURE BLACK AND WHITE? AND SO YOU HATE SOMEONE ELSE IS FREE ENOUGH TO SHIMMER IN A BRILLIANT YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, OR ALL 3? 

Ill conclude this with a great quote from the movie CONTACT.

So David Drumlin has been chosen to go to space because he backstabbed Ellie Arroway (who should have been the chosen candidate)because he claims that since she is an atheist she shouldn’t have the possibility to meet alien life because she doesn’t represent a majority of the Earth’s population who believe in God… Even though Ellie is the one who discovered the alien life.  So before he gets in the shuttle they have a quick encounter that goes:

David Drumlin: I know you must think this is all very unfair. Maybe that’s an understatement. What you don’t know is I agree. I wish the world was a place where fair was the bottom line, where the kind of idealism you showed at the hearing was rewarded, not taken advantage of. Unfortunately, we don’t live in that world.

Ellie Arroway: Funny, I’ve always believed that the world is what we make of it.

Think about that.  Life is what we make of it.  So next time you want to have a “oh thats just the way life is” moment… remember its only that way because we allow it to be. 

Lets start allowing life to be colorful like it was meant to be, ok?

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Believe In Yourself,

THE DARK HORSE

This Chapter Is Coming To A Close, Where Will I End Up?

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So in less than a week I will be boarding a plane for a little 3 week vacation to my hometown in Ohio.   But so many more changes are in the works.

The lease for our apartment is ending.  my roommate will be moving into his new apartment in about 2 days, and with him he will be taking his fridge, the wi-fi, and all his belongings…. which is pretty much everything.   I came to Australia with 1 suitcase and 1 duffle bag, so you can imagine how barren and dead the apartment will look for my last 4 days here.

Then the day before I leave I will move my stuff into my friends apartment where Ill be staying when I return.   Then its off to the hotel that I booked for one night before I go home.

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I will enjoy these 3 weeks at home.   Just really think about  EVERYTHING thats happened in this year so far.   The arrival in September, the panic and anxiety that consumed my life for so many months, the people I met, the jobs I had…. ugh… this annoying cafe job I have right now that I don’t want when I return, and this blog I started that actually makes me feel really good and proud!

But when I return it will be a whole new world here.  New apartment, Ill be looking for a new job because 2 days a week at this cafe isn’t paying the bills, new flatmates, and hopefully a new outlook on what I’ll do and where I’m going to go in life.

BUT CHANGE IS HARD ISNT IT? 

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And its weird because I never felt that way before.  Anyone else out there with panic and anxiety feel like it really changed you and how you view life?  I used to love change and would jump at it…but now, even though though I still do it and obviously prefer an adventure rather than packing my bags and going home and staying home,  I kind of have this new feeling of… But I FINALLY feel like my life was getting into rhythm… why is it changing already? 

BUT NOW AS IM WRITING THIS IM LIKE…. BUT WAIT!!!!!! THAT RYTHM WAS BORING AS FUCK!  I NEED A CHANGE 

Anyone else have these conflicting feelings?

I guess what it is, is that the panic and anxiety showed me how low I can go, and now I just wonder and get afraid that it could happen again… that the possibility of change could bring out the badness inside me once more.

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^ Thats me by the way…. Sometime I have to dress up as someones LESS famous than me at airports because the press loves to follow me everywhere (kidding… I just found this photo and thought it seemed really odd, so I was like… THATS GOING ON THE BLOG!)

Anyhoo, well yes, where was I…. um… oh yeah, conflict and adventure and whatnot.  SO YES! THATS IT!  I guess now that I’ve seen how far my body and mind can crumble, it makes me weary of any situation that could bring that out again.

However…… I do need to say…um…. Im getting the itch for adventure… despite my fears…. are you ready?

Ok here we go again…. Press play and then read on (its just a good ‘getting pumped’ song)

So look… yes, my dear bitches, it is time to face the fears and to rich shit out.  

Im growing stronger…. smarter….. wittier…. and more capable of handling the challenges ahead.

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YES, the path to America and then back to Oz (get it? cuz Australia’s nickname is Oz… but I’m making reference to a storm and also to a better life so its like a play on words for the Wizard Of Oz…..ughhhhh…. never mind 😉 ) Anyhoo, the journey may be treacherous and scary.  It may be filled with storms and ups and downs but it will be worth it because A BETTER LIFE COULD AWAIT ON THE OTHER SIDE 

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With great risk comes great rewards…remember that.  If I had never believed in myself and never left my hometown and believed everyone when they told me nothing….. I can’t imagine where id be right now.   I left home 6 years ago…. 6 YEARS!  When i think of how much I have done in 6 years and how LITTLE I would have done had I stayed there it blows my mind. 

Think of that the next time you doubt yourself.   Think… well.. If I don’t try and don’t go for this… where will I probably be a year…. 3 years…. 5 years… from now?

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Just remember it aint over till the fat lady sings… and I aint fat nor am I a lady, so I guess the show must go on!

 

 

~ Winter Is Coming?  Winter Already Came Bitch, And We Survived!

THe Dark HorSE