So here is another song by Miranda Lambert that I think is totally worth sharing. There have been so many times in my life where this song has rang all too true to me. Especially when I was living in LA. Im sure a lot of you can relate to this song as well! So even if you hate country or Miranda Lambert or whatever, put it all aside because this is a great song with listening to:
The song is basically about Miranda visiting her childhood home and thinking about how life has changed since she was a kid.
***Helpful Hint*** Get tissues! You may need them!
“I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I’m someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I’ll leave.
Won’t take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me. “
When I was living in LA this song brought me to tears multiple times…in fact, before living in LA I hadn’t cried since I was 12 years old…. so I had gone almost 11 years without crying… but then when I got to LA and just took in perspective how awful my life was I just couldn’t hold it in.
I was living this life I hated. I was modeling which for any of you who dream of doing it, is a bullshit industry. Especially for me, someone who has a very bad history with eating disorders. I was letting out my depression and frustration with life by fucking everything I could. Honestly…. if someone were to ask me how many men I have had sex with in my life it would definitely be over 100 and may even be over 200. To this day Im constantly shocked and amazed I managed to survive LA without any STD’s or HIV. I was living with roommates I hated. They were all college kids like me, yet somehow all managed to be horrible people. One of them was a pot addict/dealer (for all you annoying people who claim you don’t get addicted to pot, i don’t want to hear it. Your bullshit excuses might convince yourselves, but not me. He had to smoke up when he woke up, during his free time at school, when he got form school, after dinner, at midnight, and then once again at 2 or 3am before bed), the other was dealing with the death of his father and wasn’t handling it well. He became extremely violent, especially when drunk. The other was spoiled rich kid who was a crystal addict with his girlfriend he met in rehab…. he later ran away and was never seen again. There 3 others who aren’t worth mentioning.
ANYWAY the point is… when i heard that lyric “I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here its like I’m someone else” you can imagine that I literally just broke down. Uncontrollably. I remember. I was on a city bus. I literally broke down on a bus listening to this song. I remember it perfectly. i was coming back from school after a really late night studying. For any of you who know LA Ill map this out for you. Im on Wilshire. Trying to hold my shit together heading from Santa Monica to my apartment in Westwood. We cross the 405 and I can’t hold it in anymore. The tears just start coming. I can’t breathe. Im so weak I can’t imagine living another second. Everyone is looking at me. I get off the bus a stop early because I can’t handle all the people looking at me. Im stumbling home. Probably looking like some kind of cracked out drug addict. I can’t go back to my room because my roommates are the last people in the world I want to see me like this. So I go to the roof of my building and just collapse.
Have you ever collapsed before? Have you ever just been filled with this combination of I can’t go on and I don’t want to go on? And so you just stop…. Your body and mind are done. It is the most hopeless feeling in the entire world. It is the loneliness, dirtiest, messiest feeling you’ll ever have. You have the thought “Im going to die here, right now. Sad, alone, and right. Right about everything. Right that life means nothing. Right that I would never find anyone who cares. Right that this whole thing was pointless.”
“You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am. But I didn’t die.”
But I didn’t die. Somehow I got a second chance at life. It was that moment I knew what I had to do. I had to leave LA. Yes. LA was my dream. It always had been. To escape my hometown in Ohio and make it to LA. To get into the entertainment industry. To make movies to change the world…. But it wasn’t working out. It was killing me. Everything was wrong. I was in the worst physical and mental state I had ever been in.
If I wanted to live I needed to take a chance and jump. Go somewhere else. Meet new people. I had to learn when things just weren’t going where I needed them to go.
I spent about 6 months in LA like that as I finished up school, planned what to do next, and just dream of surviving it all. Constant breakdowns. Alienation from everything I ever loved. Dreading each day I woke up.
I ran away after that. I needed to.
I ran to the woods of the Northwest Territories. I literally lived in the woods with 8 other people in a plywood box covered in arctic-tarp for insulation. And now here I am in Australia…. its crazy though how the memories of LA seem so close still. So fresh and so vivid. Im anxious right now writing this post. My heart is beating faster and I’m a bit wobbly. It’s just a place I never want to return to. Physically and mentally.
“I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.”
In less than a month Ill be returning to Ohio for a few weeks to visit home. How will it be? Everything Ive learned here. Everything Ive been through here in Australia. The good and the bad. How will this change home for me? What will it be like?
Good, bad, Indifferent?
Well, the tickets are booked and I’ve spent a lot of money on them, so questioning won’t do anything at this point… I’m going.
We shall see what happenes
~The Dark Horse