Monthly Archives: July 2014

Moving Past Being An “Anxious Person”


So, I have good news, and some odd and confusing news.  

So i guess lately Ive been thinking about the “next step” in my life.  Where Im going after Australia, and Im starting to think about how great it would be to fall in love and make friends and have adventures.   And I’m thinking less and less and less about ‘how will i survive this day with my anxiety’.  

Am I moving BEYOND anxiety?   Am I actually becoming the person I used to be and not even knowing it?


…. no….no that isn’t right…. that must be what is different…. I’m NOT THE OLD ME. 

I don’t let things bother me like I used to.  i don’t respond to situations the same way.  I’m learning  to be better.  Im learning to better myself.  Im learning to not hate myself for being so different.  Im learning to love myself.   Im learning how stand in my own shoes and set fire to anyone who doesn’t like that. 


Like Robert De Niro from Stardust Im gonna rock that freak flag!  WHY THE FUCK NOT RIGHT? 

So What, maybe I had no friends in high school, but I’ve seen the Northern Lights.

Maybe, Ive never been to a concert, but I have swam with wild manatees, dolphins, and sharks in Florida (For real…It was actually a little dangerous) 

And maybe I’ve never been in love, but I have lived in a foreign country.


And you know what?  I’ve met a lot of people along the way.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  And dammit, Im still here.  So fuck you people if you think I’m weird, I LOVE IT

So put on your best Michele Pfeiffer “Imma fuck shit up” face, and well….. fuck shit up (in the good way) 


Setting Up For The Next Journey


So, enough moping around.  Enough being tired.   Enough of all the bullshit.   I mentioned about a month ago that the cafe I was working at here in Australia was going bust and so i was losing  my job, and I it did and I did.   

It then put me in a really shitty place here in Australia.  My visa was to expire in 2 months and I had no job.  And obviously with a visa expiring so soon, nobody wanted to hire me.  

So, i started applying for jobs in America.   I have learned too much this past year.  The depression, anxiety, panic, loneliness, and desperation.   A victim no more I say! 

So I’ve been applying for fun jobs.  Exciting jobs.  Jobs where I could make great friends, be somewhere beautiful, and have an exciting life!  So this past week I have been SLAVING AWAY 

And I mean seriously slaving away.  I have been job hunting for about 6 hours a day everyday, NON STOP.   Applying for jobs I would love.  Resorts, airlines, conservation work, and non profits.

The hard work has paid off.

I have a phone interviewing a few days for a job at a resort on Mackinac Island.  

Mackinac Island

So a little rundown on Mackinac.  It is a small island located between mainland Michigan and Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.  There are only a very few numbers of cars on this island because they want to keep it pristine, so you bike everywhere or take a horseback carriage.   Pine trees and rock bays make up the core of the beautiful island, and its secluded, but not too secluded.

This would be amazing because first of all, food and lodging is provided.  Lodging is dorm style, so hopefully I could make some really good friends while I’m there, and on top of that I can just bank up all of my pay to use for my next adventure.


WHY ITS AWESOME:  Quaint island living, fall foliage, great food, and Mackinac is known for its famous fudge and taffy.

In a few days I also have a Skype interview for a country club down in the Smokey Mountains.


This will be kind of a polar opposite from Mackinac, but at the same time, very similar.

Instead of the “island life”, I would be heading to heart of North Carolina and working up in the hills of the Smokey Mountains.  The living would be the same.  Room and board provided dormitory style, and that hopefully means good memories to be made with some new friends.

As well, I may be working in a restaurant there which means tips from VERY wealthy Southerners. So I potentially could leave with some serious bank in my pocket! 

A creek runs through fall leaves and autumn colors in Smoky Mountains National Park.

Why Its awesome:  Rolling hills, babbling creeks, fall colors, and hopefully some awesome Bluegrass? 


So, Im trying to be proactive with my life now and make it what I want it to be.  I hope all of you reading are doing the same, and if not, try to start now!  It can’t hurt anymore than a life you already hate can it? 


~ The Dark Horse 

A Lighthouse On An Island


So the other night I had this dream.   I don’t know why I haven’t been posting lately.  I really need to get back on top of this.  Ive just been very busy job hunting and figuring out what is to come next.

So the dream:

So I’m living in this lighthouse with like 5 other people.  But this lighthouse is on this island and there is nothing else.  You open the door to the lighthouse and it just opens up to water.   And we are in the middle of the ocean.  No land in sight in any direction.   I was so bored.  So lonely.  I felt so isolated and alone and vulnerable.   No way out.  Nowhere to go.  Just open deadly ocean all around me.  

And then I started having these flashbacks to before I was on the island.  I remember driving through this really quaint yet progressive college town.  Big trees, people walking with backpacks, and I remember there was a really cool apartment building.  Wasn’t big. Maybe only 6 stories.  But it was beautiful.  Big windows, and the whole thing was made out of wood 


And I just remember being in that dingy, damp, cold, lighthouse wondering why I didn’t appreciate that when i had it.   I was just thinking…. If I had known back then how miserable I would have been stuck in this lighthouse I never would have left.  


Why would I ever want to leave a bustling yet peaceful town for a life of seclusion and loneliness?



And thats my life right now.  Im stuck on the island.  

here are the facts.  Im 24. Im a college graduate.  I think I’m pretty smart and outgoing.  

Yet, I’ve never been in love.  Ive never felt like I belong.  Im always wandering.

And on top of that, my VISA will expire for for Australia in about 1 month, so nobody wants to hire me because Im bound to leave shortly after they get done training me.  

And even more so on top of that. IM done working minimum wage jobs and just mustering through life.  I want a career.  A job I can grow in.  A job where I can change the world.  And to do that I think I must return back to the trees. I think I need to return back to America.

~The Dark Horse 

Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place


So the past few weeks I was visiting home in Ohio and about 3 hours ago I arrived back here in Melbourne and I hate to say it, Im actually really sad.   I actually really enjoyed the comfort and safety of home.  Being able to be back in my own room, in the neighborhood I grew up in, having trees and parks everywhere.  Everything seemed more real. 


Like here in Melbourne Ive been battling the panic and anxiety so badly.  And I thought I was making such great progress because I was getting through the day without having massive breakdowns…..


But when I was back home all the panic and anxiety practically vanished completely.   I couldn’t believe it.  And with my mind not focused on panic and anxiety all the time, it started opening up again.   Opening to things I hadn’t felt for a long time.  Things I wanted before the big breakdown, like adventure, and love, and friends, and a job that will change this world, and…. I don’t know, I just had this spirit I haven’t had in a long time.


But here’s the problem…. I still hate the people in my hometown.  They are still trash and small minded.  So I know that my hometown has no long-term value in my life


So where to go from here?

Anyone else having some big decisions to make in their lives right now?

The Dark Horse

~ This was totally not proofread 

The Dog Days of Summer, Or Learning To Relax With Depression and Anxiety


No, this is not a stock photo.  This really is a picture from my hometown.   This is why I have not been posting!  ;p    Ive been relaxing.  Doing nothing.  And then filling my days with a little more nothing to go with all the nothing I’m doing,   AND IM LOVING IT

So here is what I’m learning about how to keep calm and not let your emotions destroy you:

With anxiety and panic Ive been just kind of been letting it come.  If I get anxious or get panicky I look around and I go…. where is a nice plot of ground I can collapse on?  A drinking fountain near by?   Perhaps a pillow lying conveniently on the floor of my gym?

No?  Oh well.   I suppose I shall fall on the concrete then.


And then once I start thinking like, WHO THE FUCK CARES it goes away.   The brain has nothing left to panic or get anxious about because you just told it, even i collapse I don’t care.


And with depression I have found a few things really help

Number one:


…. Do i hear you laughing?  I do…. STOP LAUGHING IM SERIOUS!    ice tea is amazing!  It cools your body down, its refreshing, its full of antioxidants, and IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO WHILE BEING CHEAP.  

When you’re feeling down or feel like your thoughts are eating you away hop in the car, or bus, or just walk, whatever you gotta do to the nearest caffe, coffee shop, or even a generic option like Starbucks…Who happen to have a really nice Iced green tea

…..also Petes Coffee has an amazing iced green tea but EVERYTHING ELSE THEY MAKE IS CRAP 

ok ok enough tea talk.   So what does this do?

1.)  It gives you purpose.  You’re not just sitting around moping.  You’re on your way somewhere. To get something.  To do something.

2.) Lets you interact with the public.  At least for me, when I’m down I tend to burrow myself in a hole.  I feel isolated and usually isolate myself.  Even if I’m in public I can feel completely alone in life.  Going to somewhere new or different can sometimes help just reset the mind into not being such a downer at least, for a moment.

3.)  ITS CHEAP!  unlike your milky, sugary, coffee drinks that can cost you upwards of 5 dollars each.  Ice tea is like 2 or 3 bucks.  So that means you can practice this even if your wallet is the biggest in the world.

4.)  ANTIOXIDANTS!   Must I really make another post about the benefits of tea?   Well i shall not!  But here is a link:


So there ya have it!   Relax, be merry, and DRINK TEA! 

…I think i started proofreading this, but then halfway thru i stopped, I’m SUCH a serious writer.

The Dark Horse