Dear Zac Efron (Or, The Power Of Bitching)

Dear Zac Efron,

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been lusting after you for a long time…. I mean… looking at you for a long time now.  Fuck that doesn’t sound any less creepy.   Ive been….admiring?   No no thats all just creepy.

Looking at shirtless picture of you online?

Watch Hairspray religiously?

Keeping your Rolling Stones issue under my bed?

……ugh…. I don’t think Im sounding any less like a creep.

Anyways, the main reason Im writing this letter is because I’m just doing some venting.   When you’re feeling down its always good to sometimes just vent and rant and get it all out of your system.  And since I love and loathe you I think you’re a good person to let my frustrations out on!

Oh Zac, I sometimes look out the window longingly and think of how much I want you, but also hate you.

Like your big annoying muscles and adorable little chest hairs…God those bother me.  I mean who wants a young guy with pecs and a happy trail?  not me……haha…ha… ha… ugh.. (sigh).

Or that little grin you have?  Have you ever looked at it in the mirror?

You have? ….oh, yeah… I guess I look at your grin a lot too.

Oh yeah well how about that annoying way you lick your lips….. how stupid.

Oh God I melt when I look at you.

I mean I cringe!  Thats right!   You big hunky mans man that also has a sensitive side that could cuddle bunnies while fighting off lions!

you make me sick.

Remember your shoot for Mens Health?

Look at you lift that log with your big hunka-hunka biceps. I’ve done that before too you know!

Well… it was more of a stick-like twig I suppose but still, the point is stop thinking you’re better than me cuz you’re not!

Whats that?  You think Im crazy?   CRAZY?  … LITTLE OLD ME? (insert creepy smile)

No Mr. Efron crazy would be me kidnapping you and bringing you to some abandoned lodge in the middle of the woods and then tie and you up and have some 50 Shades Of Grey type love affair.  NOW THATS CRAZY! 

Oh Zac what can I say, I’m a lover not a fighter.  Im just releasing some frustration.  Sometimes you just gotta rant and blow off some steam.   Get the juices pumping so you can refocus and start getting your head on straight again.

And I feel like you’re a good person to rant at because you’re all famous, attractive, rich, and have a life full of friends and adventure, so if I say some shit it isn’t really hurting anyone.

Plus you’re a good person to rant at because once you’re locked in my basement nobody can ever know what i say about you anyways ha…ha…hahaha..MWUAHAHAHAHAH! (sexy wink)

Oh welll, I suppose I’ll be seeing you soon, when you least expect it

Love Always,

~ The Dark Horse

(So how about you guys reading this?  Who would be your favorite celebrity that you would write a ranting letter to whether it be good or bad?   Or potentially a bit creepy?)

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Dear God (A Letter From An Atheist)

The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo at the Sistine chapel, Vatican city, Rome, Italy

So, I will just start this off by saying that I don’t believe in you.  But I’m writing this letter to ask for help just in case you’re real.

Life seems really really hard sometimes.   Like insanely, fucking hard.  (Can I say “fucking” to you?)  I mean if you invented the human race and know all things, you surely would have known that word was going to be invented right?  And furthermore, you surely know that when I say “fucking” I’m not actually talking about sex.  Im using it as a way to show emphasis on how much pain I’m in sometimes.   And if you really do know all things, and knew the word fucking was going to be invented, and used so prevalently, then you can’t possibly be offended by it right?   I mean, it’s just a word and you’re God.   Don’t you have like planets to build and species to give life to or something?

Anyways, so I’m writing this to make you a deal of sorts.

That deal is this: 

If you’re up there, you know me.  Im a 25 yr. old guy and I’ve never drank or done drugs. Ive never gone out of my way to hurt anyone and Im a liberal!  Im all about giving to the poor, increasing social services, and implementing systems to help reduce crime and misery in my country! Dude, I even have a blog that’s all about trying to help people who are in pain and make their days (and mine) a bit brighter! I’m working towards a better world!!!!!!

Is not believing in you seriously the worst sin I could commit? 

Especially since there is literally not a lick of evidence in support of you. Science proves otherwise actually.

(And just between you and me, have you seen the people who believe in you lately?)

…Let me give you a little snapshot

….they’re a bit cult-like.  And don’t even get me started on the Catholics and their big pompous dog and pony show.

But back to the topic at hand,

Though I don’t believe in you I AM indeed spreading what you want.  Love, hope, and help for those who need it.  So let’s just say this:  I don’t believe in you, but I’m not an enemy.  I’m an ally.

So, since I’m helping you out, here is what I need from you – I need some strength, some courage, and it would be SO CRAZY AMAZINGLY COOL if maybe you could just nudge the fates in my favor a bit?  I battle (Ugh…I hate saying that word. I feel like a cancer patient) But anyways, I battle with depression, anxiety, and panic everyday of my life.  And I seriously try, and I think I’ve made some major progress, but I also realize I have nothing to live for.

I don’t really have any friends because when you’re 25 and don’t drink or do drugs and don’t enjoy gossiping about others, pretty much nobody wants anything to do with you because you bring down their good (but shallow) time.

And I feel lost.  Completely lost.  I really want to do something great with my life. I want my voice heard, and I KNOW I CAN DO GREAT THINGS!  I want my voice to be heard so I can change the world, give people hope, and inspire people to want more.

And for those people who are mean to others?  Well, someone needs to stick up for the little guy and tell the bullies to fuck off!

So anyways, God.  Help me out.  Throw me some cosmic slack.  Let me meet some amazing people.  People who can give me hope again that I can be happy, and maybe help me be one of the lucky ones where my voice can be heard?  Maybe this blog could somehow go viral or I can get a book deal or something?

Im trying, so hopefully you’re trying too, deal?

Do I say Amen here?   I mean you can’t possibly be that pompous to make everyone say amen when speaking to you right? Im sure if you’re real you have to be way more chill than that.

So let’s just agree to disagree, but know we are working towards the same thing.

~The Dark Horse

Rescue Remedy Review!

So I was going to do this post as my last entry but then my research into the ingredients of these products led to me a lot of information on how flawed WebMD is and so I decided to post about that instead. (See my Rant Here)

But Anyhoo, should you buy this stuff?  I’m going to say sure why not!

(however, I’m not a doctor or a therapist or blah blah blah so consult with them if you feel concerned or whatever)

These come in a bunch of forms:  Tabs, sprays, gums, and everything short of an anal suppository.

I bought one of the gum packs while on a trip to Canada with my friend (or ex-friend it seems now…it was a disaster)

I chose the gum because it gives you something to do with your mouth.   I don’t know about you people but when I start feeling the anxiety and panic kick in I become a toothing toddler and just want to gnaw on something.  My cheek, my fingernails, straws, anything I can find really.  it just seems to help work out tension.

The gum is great.  It is a big chunk and has floral and citrus tastes to it.   I gnawed on it until the flavor was gone because after that it gets a bit rubbery and bitter.

And honestly, I felt a bit better afterwards.

Now would I recommend going for the gum as a cure for your panic attacks?  Probably not.  Unless the power of the placebo effect is really big with you.

But if you start chewing right as you feel some anxiety or a bit stressed it really helps.

Again, I don’t know if its because it gives you an energy outlet to be chewing, or if the thought of it helping actually helps, or if the ingredients actually do work.

But in any event, it made me feel a bit more calm.

Here are he ingredients in case you were interested in them: (Ingredients List)

Now for any of you out there who wants to take the cynic approach and say something like, “That shit doesn’t do anything, you only feel better because you think it helps”, well I will say this:

have you ever been to the doctor, therapist, or researched anxiety, and panic online?

ITS ALL IN OUR HEAD ANYWAYS!!! 

So as far as I’m concerned, who gives a fuck if the shit only works because we want to believe it does.

more power to ya!

Case close, bam boom bing

~The Dark Horse (I forget if this was proofread or not, I got preoccupied looking at gum gifs)

Web MD. Should We use it? (I Will Say No And Here Is Why)

So this entire article started because I was about to do a review of Bach’s Rescue Remedy gum and I decided to go check all the health information for all the ingredients in it.  I started with WebMD and noticed something.

Every ingredient in Bach’s products are considered highly dangerous by Web MD.   

So, I decided to do some research on the validity of this shit so you people don’t have to.

WebMD is such a tricky thing.  For starters, it seems so official and real.  The reviews are written by doctors or provided by health companies and its so large and seems to be a database for almost everything so how could it not be legit????  Surely a site this large would have been sued or shut down by the government for misleading the public right?

Wrong.   Web MD is a for-profit corporation.  

Web MD is just a company.  And it does what companies do: Try to sell you shit.

Now as someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, and panic, I have been told by every doctor and therapist I have ever had to NEVER check Web MD.  It will ALWAYS tell you that your symptoms could be cancer, require prescription medication, or to consult a doctor.

In fact Web MD has been in multiple altercations where it has been accused of furthering panic and anxiety due to its exaggerated claims.

For further reading on this check out:

New York Times Article

So whats the point?  Why would WebMD want to scare people?

Well, to make money.

When I first searched Web MD I noticed Google showed its stock exchange name and where it stood on NAZDAQ, which immediately rang an alarm bell in my brain.  Why would a website offering health advise be a publicly owned corporation?  Who were its stock owners?  Who was paying this companies bills?

Well Eli Lilly (maker of anti-dpression medication) has a sponsorship with the company

check out this article:

CBS Article

Walgreens also has a partnership

Check out this article:

WAlgreens Article

On top of partnerships you have advertising in general.  For example, check out this screenshot I took on my computer when I just searched “headache” in WebMD

Thats strange isn’t it?   What a convenient ad to have on the headache section.

So here is the question I had to ask myself:  WebMD claimed all the herbs and plants used in Bach’s gum is highly dangerous, yet its peddling drugs like a cheap hooker?

So what are your options?  Well many say go to Mayo Clinic before Web MD, but in my opinion I say check with many sites, maybe a pharmacist, and if the problem continues go to a doctor because any for-profit website online will have some corporate interest.  Its how they make they’re money.

check out this article:

TIME Article  (this article shows both sides…although I feel it shows favor to WebMD because it completely ignores many arguments given against WebMD)

Don’t let your anxieties get you down!

~The Dark Horse

Being Tired And Anxiety (Or, My Trip To Canada And Beyond…..There Wasn’t Really A Beyond, It Just Sounded Nice)

So, for the last 2 days I took a trip to London, Ontario.   It is a really cool small city filled with amazing food, cute river bends, and quaint historical neighborhoods.

The topic at hand is what being tired does to you when you have anxiety and I will be using my trip as an example considering that for about a 48 hour period I got maybe 6 hours of sleep total.

The night before the trip I slept like 4 hours maybe because of how excited I was.  I then got up at 730am to meet for breakfast before the drive to Canada.   The day was amazing.   The drive was long but smooth, hardly any traffic, the hotel was nice, great food, a festival was going on, and everything was just great!

The night however, was awful.   My friend I was with has….um….sleeping problems which I was not aware of until that night.  She has no problems sleeping, however, she moans and makes crying noises all through the night.  People, I am not kidding.  I wasn’t able to sleep at all.  Constant sounds filled the room like she was having a nightmare. A constant nightmare. From midnight until 8am when I hit her with a pillow and told her to get the fuck up.

The day still was…..um..ok.   Still filled with great people and great food and a great city.  However, my friend was now driving me insane.   I was tired and I was no longer to pretend I wasn’t annoyed and tired, and so every time she made a comment I didn’t like I kind of maybe snapped just a little bit.  But for the most part, all good.

The drive home however is when everything got bad.   I was very tired.  i was very annoyed.  And most importantly I didn’t want to be anywhere near her.   However, I had a 5 hour drive to be stuck with her.   Thoughts of how agonizing those 5 hours would be filled my head.  Dread consumed me and I began to fall into a panicked and depressed state.   About 20 minutes into the drive home I was off the wall.  Hardcore balls to the wall white-knuckling it.

I finally snapped and pulled over and was like, “You’re driving, I can’t”.   Confused she traded me places.  I put on some soft music and looked out the window for about 4 hours until we were back in America and only had an hour left in the drive.  I told her I was going to drive again and rushed towards home.

I dropped her off back at her home and felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free to be myself.   Free to be calm.  Free to not have her there.

Free to go about my life.

So here are some tips I learned so you don’t have to hit the wall

1.)  SLEEP IS SO SO SO IMPORTANT WITH ANXIETY AND PANIC AND DEPRESSION. They fuck with your hormones, blood sugar levels, consume energy, and leave you feeling like you’re going to die.   NEVER EVER MISS OUT ON A GOOD NIGHTS REST… but if you do…..

2.) drink lots of fluids.   It really helps.  Why?  Oh I don’t know, I’m no scientist.   Im sure it has something to do with it helping the flow of electrolytes or keeps your body all hydrated and flowing properly or something.  Just do it.  it works

3.)  Rest if you need to.   Try to sit and get a drink or a snack before you fall into the panic attack.   Stop it before it happens

4.) Remove your stressors.  For example, I will never ever travel with that girl ever again.   I know now that was a mistake and I won’t repeat it.

But at the end of the day, and most importantly, I lived.  I didn’t die from my anxiety or panic or dread of being with her.  Life goes on, the dun will rise again, and so will you

~The Dark Horse

PS- this wasn’t proof-read.  It was written out a deep need to vent and rant and be a crazy person…. oh hey there is anotehr thing to help!

5.)  VENT AND RANT IF NEED BE! 

What The Little Crippled Girl Did To Me

She broke my heart.   Thats what.

I have a weak spot.   If any of you decide to become a super villain and want to take me down this is it; bring me handicapped children.    I break apart and I can’t help it.

I can never seem to find my happiness or my dreams in life and I have a way of getting completely lost in my mind and my regrets of the past and fears of the future and how Ive messed up everyt…..

…wait who is that?

Do you see her?

It’s a little 12 yr. old girl.  Smiling and laughing and talking with her brother and her mom.

Im at work folding some clothing, thinking about how terrified I am about my upcoming trip to New Zealand and how afraid I am that I will collapse under the pressure of my anxiety and depression when i notice her.

She is moving like her bones are all out of place.  Even though I can’t see her body because its blocked by a rack of clothing I can tell by the way her head and shoulders move that she is in braces.  There is no other way she could support herself what those motions.

They approach me and her mom asks, “Do you sell polos? We need a few”.

I can’t take my eyes off of her.  I want to give her my blood or my good bones.   I can’t handle seeing children who have already been broken by life.

“……yes.  Yeah, right over here”, I reply.

“What do you guys need polos for?”

“I’m showing animals at the county fair coming up” she says.

…..Yes.   Thats right, this adorable little girl is going to take her animals around in front of a crowd of strangers at the fair even though her legs are mangled and broken in a million pieces.

I walk away after showing them the polos.  I am silent.   Lost in thought.   Unable to focus on anything except for howfucking brave she is and what a fucking pussy I am.

Look at me!!!!! I AM HEALTHY.   I AM A 25yr OLD HEALTHY YOUNG MALE 

I wake up every morning fearing that Im going to have a panic attack, or develop some disease, or die, or never find happiness.   And this girl wakes up, and hobbles out of bed.   She struggles to the bathroom, limps down the stairs and keeps her fucking smile the whole way.  A little 12 yr old girl.

I am a complete pussy compared to her.

So what is the lesson here?

Well, there is hope for all of us.   For anyone like me who is still able-bodied, YOU HAVE ALL THE HEALTH AND STRENGTH IN THE WORLD TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.   DONT LET WHATS IN YOUR MIND GET IN YOUR WAY! 

And to anyone who is like that little girl and struggles with a disability:   You are such an inspiration.  And I’m not saying that in a sappy fake “oh you’re a cripple so I need to say that” type way.  My heart genuinely breaks whenever I see your strength and courage and ability.   But that heartbreak also makes me better and needs to happen.  It puts life into perspective and helps me remember what is actually important in life.

To everyone out there who struggles with the weight of the world, whether it be physical or mental, We Are All In This Together and I love all of you 

~ The Dark Horse