Relapse, and Im back! (Fuck Ya!)

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So. This post will be about relapsing. Which is for anyone who is had a problem. From alcoholism, drugs, depression, anxiety, anger issues, overeating. Whatever your drug is. WE ALL RELAPSE AND IT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS.

However, just like the Terminator, Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger, those Land Before Time movies, and Jesus Christ, we will all be back (and if were like any of the above listed, we will be back many many times….well except for Jesus. I think he only came back once, although some cults may disagree)

Aint that some groovy shit? We all can be better than we are today.

But anyhow here’s my deal. So I have depression, anxiety, and panic. Last year I lived in Australia and my life went to hell. All my problems of feeling alone, weak, and useless were amplified to a degree I didn’t know was possible. I fell apart and developed agoraphobia on top of all my other problems (Which i promise, i was just like all of you i didn’t believe it was real…but trust me it is and it sucks. You get an insane fear that you’re going to die when you’re in public). And so I basically wasted my year in Australia hiding in my room until I got into therapy and discovered blogging really helped me and all that sappy shit.

But heres the point: Since about October when I got home to Ohio I just fell down into the hole again. Ive been working in retail which is about as rewarding as poking your eyeball with a rusty nail, and I haven’t made any friends, and i haven’t been trying to better my life either. I stopped working out (which is awful if any of you are considering it. It will make all of your symptoms worse), I stopped doing the things I enjoy like blogging and cooking, and all in all, I reverted to my old piece of shit ways.

But then, I got back into therapy. I FORCED MYSELF to get physically active again, and trust me there were times where i literally thought I was going to die on my bike. But i didn’t let that stop me. The flame inside of me was starting to rekindle. And now, after lots of work I think…..

I think…..

….I think…..

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I think Im ready to spread my wings and take off again.

and God I hope so because I totally already booked my fight…. um…. yeah……   too soon?  My therapist thinks so but my opinion is this:

I AM MISERABLE.  I have depression, anxiety, and panic.  How could it get worse?   Im a go-getter.   I gotta fly.  I gotta keep going.   I can’t just give up.  I can’t just keep crawling because crawling is safe.  I want to run, and run I shall!

So, in 2 months I will be leaving the States again, and Ill be flying to Auckland and I will be living there for a year or potentially more (or less I suppose)

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So what does all this mean?   It means recovery is bumpy.   VERY BUMPY.   Like…. you hit a brick wall at full speed type shit…. and then you have to pull yourself from the wreckage and chisel through that wall with a spoon.     It is messy, and sloppy, and hard, and fucking obnoxious.   But what other options do we have?

To anyone with a drinking problem.  If you think you’re going to fall back because you’ve started drinking again…

…To someone with an eating problem, yes.  You probably will binge again (or purge)….and for some of you, you will do both.

Cutters you may cut.

and anxious people, there is a chance you’ll have another panic attack.

But hey…. maybe you won’t.  And the more we work at it the better we all get.

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oh yeah…. you’ll have days that feel like that….

But hey, I got your back if you do.

Keep it up!

~The Dark Horse

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