What The Little Crippled Girl Did To Me

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She broke my heart.   Thats what.

I have a weak spot.   If any of you decide to become a super villain and want to take me down this is it; bring me handicapped children.    I break apart and I can’t help it.

I can never seem to find my happiness or my dreams in life and I have a way of getting completely lost in my mind and my regrets of the past and fears of the future and how Ive messed up everyt…..

…wait who is that?

Do you see her?

It’s a little 12 yr. old girl.  Smiling and laughing and talking with her brother and her mom.

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Im at work folding some clothing, thinking about how terrified I am about my upcoming trip to New Zealand and how afraid I am that I will collapse under the pressure of my anxiety and depression when i notice her.

She is moving like her bones are all out of place.  Even though I can’t see her body because its blocked by a rack of clothing I can tell by the way her head and shoulders move that she is in braces.  There is no other way she could support herself what those motions.

They approach me and her mom asks, “Do you sell polos? We need a few”.

I can’t take my eyes off of her.  I want to give her my blood or my good bones.   I can’t handle seeing children who have already been broken by life.

“……yes.  Yeah, right over here”, I reply.

“What do you guys need polos for?”

“I’m showing animals at the county fair coming up” she says.

…..Yes.   Thats right, this adorable little girl is going to take her animals around in front of a crowd of strangers at the fair even though her legs are mangled and broken in a million pieces.

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I walk away after showing them the polos.  I am silent.   Lost in thought.   Unable to focus on anything except for howfucking brave she is and what a fucking pussy I am.

Look at me!!!!! I AM HEALTHY.   I AM A 25yr OLD HEALTHY YOUNG MALE 

I wake up every morning fearing that Im going to have a panic attack, or develop some disease, or die, or never find happiness.   And this girl wakes up, and hobbles out of bed.   She struggles to the bathroom, limps down the stairs and keeps her fucking smile the whole way.  A little 12 yr old girl.

I am a complete pussy compared to her.

So what is the lesson here?

Well, there is hope for all of us.   For anyone like me who is still able-bodied, YOU HAVE ALL THE HEALTH AND STRENGTH IN THE WORLD TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.   DONT LET WHATS IN YOUR MIND GET IN YOUR WAY! 

And to anyone who is like that little girl and struggles with a disability:   You are such an inspiration.  And I’m not saying that in a sappy fake “oh you’re a cripple so I need to say that” type way.  My heart genuinely breaks whenever I see your strength and courage and ability.   But that heartbreak also makes me better and needs to happen.  It puts life into perspective and helps me remember what is actually important in life.

To everyone out there who struggles with the weight of the world, whether it be physical or mental, We Are All In This Together and I love all of you 

~ The Dark Horse

Denali National Park in autumn, Alaska, USA, North America

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