Monthly Archives: August 2015

How Im Getting Rid Of My Anxiety Part 2

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So a few posts age I talked about a fun little trick my therapist played on me, and by fun little trick, i mean her attempt to kill me,  You can read about it here:

How Im Getting Rid Of My Anxiety Part 1

So basically she decided to have me run up and down the bleachers of the college football stadium until my legs were wobbly, then she had me run to the field and spin in circles until I was dizzy and then while being dizzy had me start running the stairs again…

haha…i know…. it was a total blast right guys?…..fucking bitch

HOWEVER, I GOTTA ADMIT… THE SHIT WORKS

The premise is that if you can handle misery like that you can handle a panic attack.

But yesterday she decided to throw in a little extra fun.

So when I walk into her office she goes, “So sometimes, unexpected things arise right?”

….”Um, I guess?” I reply knowing she has some fucking trick up her sleeve

“Well”, she says, “Today we are going to go back to the football staidum’

GOD FUCKING DAMN THIS WOMAN. NO NO NO NOT EVEN A WOMAN, THIS HELL-BEAST! 

But I have no choice.  Its do as she says, or run away.

So we start walking to the football field and I’m telling her how much I hate her and how I wish death upon her (she understands that I say these things in times of misery, but don’t actually mean them) and as we are walking I hear Thunderstruck blaring over the stadium loudspeakers.

Yes.

This time she decided that I was going to do all this bullshit in front of a Division 1 college football team during their practice. No. Im not kidding and yes I wanted to fucking die.

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Oh god you should have seen them.  Muscles bulging…. sweating…yelling… grabbing each other…Oh god.

Human male physical perfection. And I have to run the stairs in front of them.  And then go on the field and twirl in front of them….

and then continue to run the stairs as they watch me.

But this was actually quite odd.  As much as I hated myself… I was kind of turned on

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Hot sweaty man-on-man action was happening at my fingertips.  Oh yes.  It was a great day to be an anxiety-ridden guy forced to run the stairs in the heat.

I was having this odd sensation of being hot, tired, annoyed, embarrassed, anxious…..yet really glad I was at least able to do this while staring at college football players.

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yeah boys keep on running…. give me a good show.

So whats the lesson here?

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oh god look at him.  Do you see that six pack and pecs?

wait what i saying? Oh right something about a lesson to be learned…. um….

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Ok I think my point is this… IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU!  YOU ALL HAVE STRENGTH I KNOW YOU DO! 

Thanks for reading my post where I basically just forced you to look at half naked men,

~ The Dark Horse

Kick Some Ass And Rule The World (Or, Yes its Hard, But You Can Do It)

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So I received a comment today on my blog from someone who isn’t in a good spot right now.  They feel down and discouraged and lost and scared and so I’m writing this post.

people listen up.  You have strength and you have courage and you have all the tools you need to be the best you can be.

Our problem, us people who have been beat down, discouraged, shamed, and ridiculed, is that we have always been told we can’t.  We have been told that were not strong enough or that we will surely fail.

Well people listen to me right now….Grandmothers cover your ears and prudent Christians run for cover because I’m about to say… sometimes you just gotta punch a cunt in the face.

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metaphorically speaking of course… The only violence i condone is the kind where you destroy your enemy by showing them how much better you are than they are. (And trust me…that will ruin them far more than any punch to the face will)

So seriously think about it.

You are still here.

You feel pain, you feel struggle, you feel heartbreak, loneliness, despair, and agony.  And if any of you are like me and struggle depression, anxiety, or panic then those feelings are stronger and more intense than any commoner could ever possibly understand

So please, the next time you encounter someone who is putting you down and telling you can’t, kindly sit them down, grab a nice glass of wine (or apple juice cuz i don’t drink) and gently touch their hand to show them how much you pity their absurd smallness and pettiness and inform them to fuck off.

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And yes, you will feel like you’re being called for something better than the life you have right now and thats because you do! Nobody deserves to live a life of misery.

You will feel stronger and bigger and better than ever because you’re finally taking the path you want rather than the path others are telling you take.

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and yes you may get lost again, get stalled; You may look at your compass and it will be pointing in all directions, but instead of seeing the danger in that see the beauty in it.

Whereas others choose the straight and narrow you have the courage to accept that life can take you anywhere 

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So run!   Run towards whatever your heart is drawing you towards.  Fuck everyone else who says otherwise.  Just because you’re being called for something different than they are doesn’t mean that you should let them bog you down.

Remember Steven Spielberg was rejected from film school…. and um… yeah…. thats a total punch a cunt in the fact moment right there.

And the next time someone tells you that you can’t, channel your inner Lucile Bluth and just let them know how much you don’t care

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Alright people, make life count!

~ The Dark Horse

…I kind of proof read this, but was on a role when writing this so how could i go back and check?

Moving Past The Past

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Have any of you seen the movie WILD with Reese Witherspoon?  It is absolutely amazing, cringeworthy, inspirational, and tear-jerking.

But the one thing I love most about this movie is that it shows that you can overcome your past no matter how bad it is.  Which for me, and probably most of you reading this blog… thats a very good thing to see.

I won’t spoil the plot of so here is a super brief synopsis.  Reese, bad past. Walks the pacific crest trail to try to prove to herself she is worth something, just watch the damn film will you!

But here is what it means for me:   The ability to have the future bot repeat the past

Like I’ve mentioned before Im moving to New Zealand soon and I’m terrified but also insanely excited.  What I’m terrified of is repeating the past.  Allowing negativity of others bring me down. Allowing memories of past failures fill my head

Also memories of being made fun of as a kid.  memories of nobody believing in me.  Memories of letting my parents down.

Memories memories memories.  Until my brain was nothing but bad memories.  I couldn’t even think about the present or the future.  I was lost in my own head

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This is kind of who I looked when I returned from Australia.  This is not how I will let New Zealand go.  I have changed.  I know I have

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Oh yes… shit will go wrong.  I will probably have times where i wonder why I’m there.  What the fuck I’m doing with my life and times when i will cry and pray i was a child again back at home

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But I will also meet some great new people
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But most importantly I will see the beauty of a new place…. and ill get that damn show back!

~ Rock on bitches

The Dark Horse

Anxiety Or Something Better? How Do You Know The Difference?

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So Im moving to New Zealand soon.  Im very excited yet very nervous.  Antsy because I want it to come quicker, but dreading the challenges ahead.

Obviously all this is giving me a bit of anxiety, but IS THIS ANXIETY OR IS IT NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR? 

I mean who wouldn’t be feeling these things before moving to a new country?    Finding a new job, new friends, a place to live, all while navigating a new place is bound to drive anyone a tad bit crazy.

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I guess what I’m saying this time around is that sometimes us people with our problems like panic or anxiety or depression seem to get worked up when we start feeling these ways, EVEN IF WE ARE FEELING THESE THINGS DURING TIMES WHEN ITS TOTALLY OK TO FEEL THEM! 

Whats the problem with this?  Well we can becomes bogged down by our emotions and thoughts then.  Feeling like  oh maybe we haven’t actually made the progress we think we have.  Or we think we could be trying harder to fight off these emotions.

But guys i mean sometimes we NEED to feel these things?   I mean what kind of crazy person could restart their entire life and not have a little voice in their head telling them this could be hard?

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So what I need to do is calm the fuck down, handle the problems when they arrive and not work myself up even further….sound like any of you out there?

~ The Dark Horse

Goodbye Earl (Or, Some Songs Just Make You Feel Ready To Kick Some Ass)

If you have never listened to and/or watched the music video for Goodbye Earl by The Dixie Chicks you are missing out.  It is one of those weird feel good yet wickedly evil at the same time type of songs.  Much like Kerosene by Miranda Lambert.

I won’t describe the song to you, instead here is the link, enjoy!

So do these songs have any importance? I mean it is seemingly a song full of hurt and lawless behavior right?

OH SO WRONG!

These songs blend sticking up for yourself with comedy!  They are (granted, in a sick and disturbed way) highly inspirational.

But as far as I’m concerned,  Ive kind of been through some stuff in my life and I have been treated like shit by tons of people.  So is it really oh so wrong that I find inspiration and comedy in a song about murder?  …Well i suppose you can all dictate that for yourselves.  I don’t think I’m crazy…(creepy wink)

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Whats my point here?

Well its that I think when you’re feeling down, or feeling like you can’t go on, really feeling like you need some help making it through the day, WELL FIND YOURSELF THAT SONG THAT IS JUST KICK ASS.  THAT ONE THAT WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO GO ON

So what if it is a deeply demented yet highly entertaining song?  I mean, go for it!

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~The Dark Horse

Any of you have some kick ass songs that make you feel good?

How Im Getting Rid Of My Anxiety

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So Im writing this because I love my therapist and with her help I have been making such huge intense changes and have been getting so much better.

However, I totally believe in the power of some light-hearted bitching and I think its rather humorous as well.

I forget what its called.  Its like Active Behavior Therapy or something like that?

Anyhoo,  her goal for this form of therapy is to ruin my life.

She finds new and fun ways to torture me and put me through these sick little SAW-style traps and then goes, “See you survived that you an surely survive your next panic attack right?”

For example, the other day we went to local University and she made me put everything down.   No phone, no wallet, no water, nothing.   Anything that could make me feel safe had to go.  We walked to the football stadium and then she sits on he bleachers and goes, “ok, walk up and down these bleachers”.

….?   “Why?” I ask

“Just start doing it” she replies.

So i do…. many, many times.

I do until I’m annoyed, out of breath, and telling her how much I hate her.  (I don’t actually hate her, but trust me, when she puts me through this shit nothing feels better than being able to just start yelling at her).

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This however isn’t enough for the sadist that lives inside my therapist.  She then decides its time for me to walk to football field with her where she says, “Ok, now, start spinning in a circle until you’re dizzy”.

I look at her with all the fires of hell.  YOU ARE FUCKING JOKING.

She simply smiles and respond with, “No.”

So I do.  I do until I’m dizzy, annoyed, hot, and thirsty.

“Ok, now start going up the bleachers again”.

I thought I was going to die.

I was so insanely uncomfortable.  I was tired, annoyed, hot, my legs were wobbling, and now I was dizzy.

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But, I do.  I do I do I do and god fucking damn wouldn’t you know it works.

I start to just breakdown and become insanely giggly and and am just yelling at my therapist like a crazy person as she just sits on the bleachers smiling and laughing at me.

and at one point i scream, “GOD THIS IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN A DAMN PANIC ATTACK”

“can you say that again?” she yells up at me.

I give her the stink eye and say, “I said, this is worse than a panic attack”.

And she goes, “exactly…”

“…. AND YOURE STILL ALIVE.”

At the end we walk back to her office, my legs trembling (And I can tell you by how my calfs feel today, it was quite a workout).

The whole way back…. “I hate you”….followed with, “I know, its fine”.

And the banter continues.

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Its funny how therapy drives you crazy, but at the same time makes you un-crazy ya?

~ The Dark Horse