So Im writing this because I love my therapist and with her help I have been making such huge intense changes and have been getting so much better.
However, I totally believe in the power of some light-hearted bitching and I think its rather humorous as well.
I forget what its called. Its like Active Behavior Therapy or something like that?
Anyhoo, her goal for this form of therapy is to ruin my life.
She finds new and fun ways to torture me and put me through these sick little SAW-style traps and then goes, “See you survived that you an surely survive your next panic attack right?”
For example, the other day we went to local University and she made me put everything down. No phone, no wallet, no water, nothing. Anything that could make me feel safe had to go. We walked to the football stadium and then she sits on he bleachers and goes, “ok, walk up and down these bleachers”.
….? “Why?” I ask
“Just start doing it” she replies.
So i do…. many, many times.
I do until I’m annoyed, out of breath, and telling her how much I hate her. (I don’t actually hate her, but trust me, when she puts me through this shit nothing feels better than being able to just start yelling at her).
This however isn’t enough for the sadist that lives inside my therapist. She then decides its time for me to walk to football field with her where she says, “Ok, now, start spinning in a circle until you’re dizzy”.
I look at her with all the fires of hell. YOU ARE FUCKING JOKING.
She simply smiles and respond with, “No.”
So I do. I do until I’m dizzy, annoyed, hot, and thirsty.
“Ok, now start going up the bleachers again”.
I thought I was going to die.
I was so insanely uncomfortable. I was tired, annoyed, hot, my legs were wobbling, and now I was dizzy.
But, I do. I do I do I do and god fucking damn wouldn’t you know it works.
I start to just breakdown and become insanely giggly and and am just yelling at my therapist like a crazy person as she just sits on the bleachers smiling and laughing at me.
and at one point i scream, “GOD THIS IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN A DAMN PANIC ATTACK”
“can you say that again?” she yells up at me.
I give her the stink eye and say, “I said, this is worse than a panic attack”.
And she goes, “exactly…”
“…. AND YOURE STILL ALIVE.”
At the end we walk back to her office, my legs trembling (And I can tell you by how my calfs feel today, it was quite a workout).
The whole way back…. “I hate you”….followed with, “I know, its fine”.
And the banter continues.
Its funny how therapy drives you crazy, but at the same time makes you un-crazy ya?
~ The Dark Horse