Monthly Archives: September 2015

That Feeling Where You’re Living In A Bubble, Or, Its Hard To Live In The Present Sometimes

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So Ive just arrived here in Auckland form America a little over a week ago and it hasn’t been the easiest thing to do in my life.  I don’t know anyone, I have no job, I just found an apartment a few days ago but I don’t move in for a few more days,

All while trying to continue to work through my depression, panic, and anxiety.

….this shit isn’t an easy ride, let me tell you

Because of all this I feel like I’m lost in my head a lot.  I feel like bubble boy.  Does anyone know this feeling?   People talk to you and you hear them…. but you don’t really hear them.

You see the beautiful scenery… but you don’t really see it

My constant fear and worry about how Im going to accomplish all of these things keeps me from being able to live in the present.  TO ACTUALLY LIVE LIFE 

Your whole life feels like when you try to run in a dream.  You just can’t seem to go anywhere.  You’re stuck in some slime that nobody else is able to see.

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So, what do we do?  How do we live like this?   Well I’m not an expert cuz trust me, I’m right down in the shit with you.

However, heres how I see it.  We are not dead yet.  yes life sucks being stuck in the glue, but what else are you gonna do?

Lets tell that glue to go fuck itself.  Long and hard.   Go on say it loud and proud!

GLUE THAT I SEEM TO BE STUCK IN…SUCK MY DICK (OR VAGINA FOR OUR FELLOW LADY READERS) 

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Or how about this one from Jaw…. Don’t you just love a good Jaws reference?

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In fact you know what….. Lets do this shit:

Play this:

I dont wanna just tell my anxiety, depression, and panic to suck it.  I want to throw that shit into the ocean and…. well…

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Go on boys….. the waters nice.  Go for a fucking swim you cunts.

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A shark?  What?  I don’t see anything….. go on swim further out!  The deeper the water the more fun you’ll have I promise….

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Ill just innocently sit on the boat…maniacally watching the carnage about to ensue.

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OH MY GOD THERE WAS A SHARK! 

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Die bitches die!

Alright well happy swimming!

~ The Dark Horse

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again (And You Should Too!)

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So the move to Auckland has not been easy.  I have been here for 1 week and 2 days.  That amount of time has brought strep throat, an upper respiratory infection, no place to live (Well actually I just found one and I move into in 5 days), and no job.

However, I am not gibing up.  The sun is out today. The water looks blue as can be and life is full of possibilities.

OH DONT GET ME WRONG, YES IM EXHAUSTED AND ANNOYED.  BUT I WONT GIVE UP.

i do believe that I will make friends. I will have a great time here.  I will never want to go home.  I hope and pray that life is just about to get good.

Play this Song.

Now, lets get down to business.

Ok people it goes like this.  You and me, we are different.  Life for anyone who struggles with major issues is going to be hard.  But what are you gonna do?  Give up? Are you gonna be like every other generic fuck in this world and live for the weekend and drink your pain away?

FUCK NO.

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We are gonna be like that little communist band and we are gonna get back up when get knocked down

AND I WONT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!  

NOW GET UP OFF THAT DAMN FLOOR GURL AND FOLLOW ME

Look at the world around, realize better days are ahead.

Ok deep breath.

Open the door,

and go do whatever it is your little heart desires

~ The Dark Horse

What To Do When You Feel Untalented (Or, My Ongoing Struggle)

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So I arrived in New Zealand a week ago.  I just moved here from the USA and…. ugh…. well I got strep throat my second day here and it put my life on hold….YOU KNOW WHAT, lets not talk about that.

The point is, I’m feeling better now and I have started job hunting and looking for places to live and you know what? …I think I got what i wished for…. and its making me feel like shit.

Kiwis (What you call people from New Zealand for those out there who are confused)  are insanely cool and talented people. And it makes me feel like shit.  Like, if you have ever read my blog you know, I constantly feel like I’m lost and aimless in life and just suck at everything I do…. and this country isn’t going to make me feel any better.

Take this for example:  I went to go visit a house to live in and meet the flatmates.  They were like, “oh, I work for Air New Zealand, oh and I do graphic design work for Microsoft, and oh Im an executive for Coca Cola…..”

and I JUST WANNA SCREAM AT THEM..
“Ive only worked in retail and restaurants and I can’t seem to connect with another human being ever and because of that I struggle with depression and anxiety and panic attacks”

But obviously as anyone reading this blog knows….that makes us sound crazy.  So what do we do?  We keep it inside.  Instead we go “Oh my god thats so cool!  You guys are so talented!” 

We then walk home.  Heads between our legs wondering why life is such a struggle for us.  Why it seems we can’t do anything right.  Why the sun never shines for us.  Why we never get lucky.

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Yeah keep smiling bitch… you’ll probably get a perfect score on your ACT.  Enjoy Harvard and your lifetime on possibilities

Ugh its great to just vent sometimes….

Anyways, another example.  This guy who has kind of become my friend here (I say kind of because I never see to have real friends.  Just people who kind of sometimes are there).   He is from Malaysia and has traveled the world and is mega talented and edits videos….not for fun.  Like its his job he is making money doing this shit.  He has had travel photography published and is a computer wiz and has friends and all that shit that I don’t have. The other day he is like, “Oh yeah so I’m leaving New Zealand in 2 weeks to go spend a few months in Indonesia.  My friend is a reporter and Ill be doing all the photography for his stories”.

And again. I just want to jump off a building because why am I alive?  Why is a waste of a life like me around all these insanely happy talented people?  But again. we tell ourselves to HOLD IT IN!  ITS WHAT WE DO!  If they knew how we actually felt they would hate us. so once again I say, “Wow! You’re so cool and talented, I hope you have a great time!”

So thats why I’m writing this post:

Im sure there are people out there who feel like me.  So, what do we do?  Well Ive got bad news for you.  As much as Id love to go on a killing spree or jump of a bridge or something, none of that will help out problems.

We have to keep going.  We have to keep our chin up.  We have to keep trying.  We have to work and hope tomorrow holds a brighter future.  We need to come together and help other people who are struggling.

Perhaps we need to treat others with the kindness we were never given.  It is hard and it sucks to admit life let us down.  But maybe by helping others we can prevent them from slipping through the cracks.  And maybe that will make us feel better too. And who knows, it may even make us feel accomplished and talented and useful.

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Do just one thing good for someone else tomorrow.  I know I will,

~ The Dark Horse  (I think I’ve tried to proof read this but I was just on a role writing my feelings down so it probably isn’t perfect, sowyz!)

Here We Go! (Or, Im Starting Over, So Can You!)

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So I am here at the Qantas lounge at LAX  (One World Business Lounge at Tom Bradley Terminal for all you nerds out there)

…I found a really good deal on a business class flight, trust me I’m not rich enough to have this be my normal airport experience!

Anyhoo, my flight leaves in 2 hours for New Zealand where I will be a starting a life from scratch.   I will have find an apartment, a job, friends, a therapist, everything.  Starting from square 1.   I am shitting my pants because it seems terrifying and hard and scary and could all fall apart.

However I’m also really excited.  I mean I’m moving to a new country!  How could that not be exciting right?   I can’t just let fear keep me down can I?

So whats the point?  The point is if I can do it so can you!  Come on guys!   Find your inner strength!   Fine that spark!  That desire to be better!  That desire to accomplish all you ever wanted to!

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Alright people, get to it!

~ The Dark Horse

WE ARE JUST CRAZY, ISNT THAT AMAZING?

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So the other day I made a post about how Im moving and how sometimes my depression anxiety and panic can get in the way of my happiness by filling my head with crazy thoughts….

After writing that i kind of sat there and was like….. you know… its actually pretty amazing that when I start getting anxious and panicky I’m just crazy and not actually about to die or pass out or lose my mind!

So this post is a celebration to all of us!

OUR DEPRESSION, OUR PANIC, OUR ANXIETY.  WELL, A LOT OF IT IS JUST IN OUR HEAD AND WE ARE IN NO DANGER!  ISNT THAT AMAZING?????

So Cheers to you everyone, We are gonna be just fucking fine!

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I told my therapist yesterday how I was thinking about that and she asked, “Well, do you want there to be a problem?   Would it make you feel better to know its not in your head?  Would you rather be seriously ill and dying?”

And God Bless my therapist for being awesome and letting me speak my mind because I do believe i said something like, “HELL FUCKING NO!”

So yes.  Dance. Sing. Rejoice!   It really is all in our heads!

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Your panic attack will end.  Your anxiety will end.  Your depression, well I won’t lie to you. That one takes a lot longer and a lot more work, but you know what, it can go away too.   The downside, your life will end too.   Lets not waste it worrying about things that aren’t real.  the upswing?  Just the fact that you’re reading this blog proves that you’re trying.  You’re working to fix it.  You’re working to be a better person.

And because of that I say drink up people (metaphorically of course) I wouldn’t wanna create any alcoholics.

But yes, pat yourselves on the back.    We are doing good, getting better, and ready to live!

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~ The Dark Horse

And no all you stiflers out there, this wasn’t proof-read! Take that!

One Day Ill Fly Away…. And That Day Is Next Week

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So, If you have ever read this blog before, you know that I’m moving to New Zealand.  And I am now at the point where I am literally a week away from the move!

So, this post will be all about getting excited.  Letting our depression and anxiety and panic take a vacation so we can experience some feelings that are welcomed.  Like excitement, anticipation, joy, and hope.

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Let the rivers flow through you as you allow yourself to feel the world around you.

We need to stop, become steady, become aware, and become willing to accept that the sky is not always falling.

AND I WILL TOTALLY ADMIT THAT I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.  My thoughts get clouded.  They get lost.  They get consumed by the negativity and fear that come with depression, anxiety, and depression.   But one thing that has changed within me recently is the truth:

WE ARE NOT DEAD YET.

If we believed out depression, anxiety, and panic all the time then don’t you think we would have actually killed ourselves, or gone crazy, or gotten sick and died, or whatever bad you think.  Why hasn’t it happened yet? ….

…Well logically speaking its because we are wrong.

And really, isn’t that amazing?

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..think about it!

~ The Dark Horse!