So I arrived in New Zealand a week ago. I just moved here from the USA and…. ugh…. well I got strep throat my second day here and it put my life on hold….YOU KNOW WHAT, lets not talk about that.
The point is, I’m feeling better now and I have started job hunting and looking for places to live and you know what? …I think I got what i wished for…. and its making me feel like shit.
Kiwis (What you call people from New Zealand for those out there who are confused) are insanely cool and talented people. And it makes me feel like shit. Like, if you have ever read my blog you know, I constantly feel like I’m lost and aimless in life and just suck at everything I do…. and this country isn’t going to make me feel any better.
Take this for example: I went to go visit a house to live in and meet the flatmates. They were like, “oh, I work for Air New Zealand, oh and I do graphic design work for Microsoft, and oh Im an executive for Coca Cola…..”
and I JUST WANNA SCREAM AT THEM..
“Ive only worked in retail and restaurants and I can’t seem to connect with another human being ever and because of that I struggle with depression and anxiety and panic attacks”
But obviously as anyone reading this blog knows….that makes us sound crazy. So what do we do? We keep it inside. Instead we go “Oh my god thats so cool! You guys are so talented!”
We then walk home. Heads between our legs wondering why life is such a struggle for us. Why it seems we can’t do anything right. Why the sun never shines for us. Why we never get lucky.
Yeah keep smiling bitch… you’ll probably get a perfect score on your ACT. Enjoy Harvard and your lifetime on possibilities
Ugh its great to just vent sometimes….
Anyways, another example. This guy who has kind of become my friend here (I say kind of because I never see to have real friends. Just people who kind of sometimes are there). He is from Malaysia and has traveled the world and is mega talented and edits videos….not for fun. Like its his job he is making money doing this shit. He has had travel photography published and is a computer wiz and has friends and all that shit that I don’t have. The other day he is like, “Oh yeah so I’m leaving New Zealand in 2 weeks to go spend a few months in Indonesia. My friend is a reporter and Ill be doing all the photography for his stories”.
And again. I just want to jump off a building because why am I alive? Why is a waste of a life like me around all these insanely happy talented people? But again. we tell ourselves to HOLD IT IN! ITS WHAT WE DO! If they knew how we actually felt they would hate us. so once again I say, “Wow! You’re so cool and talented, I hope you have a great time!”
So thats why I’m writing this post:
Im sure there are people out there who feel like me. So, what do we do? Well Ive got bad news for you. As much as Id love to go on a killing spree or jump of a bridge or something, none of that will help out problems.
We have to keep going. We have to keep our chin up. We have to keep trying. We have to work and hope tomorrow holds a brighter future. We need to come together and help other people who are struggling.
Perhaps we need to treat others with the kindness we were never given. It is hard and it sucks to admit life let us down. But maybe by helping others we can prevent them from slipping through the cracks. And maybe that will make us feel better too. And who knows, it may even make us feel accomplished and talented and useful.
Do just one thing good for someone else tomorrow. I know I will,
~ The Dark Horse (I think I’ve tried to proof read this but I was just on a role writing my feelings down so it probably isn’t perfect, sowyz!)