Monthly Archives: October 2015

Showing Your Anxiety Where They Can Suck It… With The Help Of Flight Attendants


Aright bitches, welcome aboard. The duration of this flight will hopefully be the rest of your life.  The destination of this flight will be a place called Happiness.  Now we may hit a bit of turbulence on the way.  Not too worry, these planes are made to weather the storm.

And always remember that.  Our planes are designed to weather the storm. (You getting the metaphor here?  Ok, Good!)

Now sit back and please listen so some important safety instructions


So lets start by telling your anxiety to fuck itself.

….Yes. Thats right. I said that.  And You should do it.

The main thing to remember is that anxiety is useless.  This is one of the things I’ve learned so far in my journey.

Yes.  The fear of death is good.  its amazing actually! its what keeps you from jumping off a tall building just cuz.

However, when this fear starts invading all of life itself it becomes useless.  For me, I have really bad health anxiety so I’m always afraid I’m going to die.  I know other people have insane fears of water or elevators, or maybe you have more of a generalized anxiety and so normal everyday things just effect you more than they do other people.

When it comes down to it though, none of these feelings are useful for us so heres what we do.

Kindly inform your anxiety that there are four emergency exits on this plane.  Two in the front and two in rear.  Then kindly push your anxiety out one of them…. but be gentle, the fall will painful enough for it (sinister smile)


Now don’t be surprised if anxiety manages to get back into the plane.  Anxiety has a way of doing that,  Its a pesky strong little son of a bitch.

If your anxiety manages to somehow crawl back into the plain tell it how sorry you are for being mean…


…and then respectfully throw it out of the emergency exit once more.

Now lets start healing ok?  During long flights such as this one called life, you obviously need to do things you love to keep from getting bored.  This can be anything.  I don’t care what your interests are (as long as they don’t hurt anyone).  Do it and do it without shame.  You’re a jock who likes gardening? Go for it!   A Girl who enjoys football? ,,,,ugh… I hate football… but hey, if makes you happy more power to you! ;p

Doing things we love helps keep the anxiety away.  Remember that!

Now, when the plane hits turbulence you may feel a bit panicked.


Yes yes yes….. turbulence is a bit scary.  But listen.  YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!  As my therapist always said don’t let a lapse turn into a relapse.

We will get through just put on your life vest if it makes you feel better and incase we make a water landing….


….but i doubt we will need to.  We are all so much stronger than we think we are.

and always remember the next time your mind creates an image of a scenario that looks like this:


Give it a think.  Is this really how the situation is?  Or is this just our constructed image of it?

Maybe life can be better

Always remember that.  LIFE CAN ALWAYS BE BETTER.   No one is ever lost or stuck forever.  Keep fighting its worth it! 

And if anxiety ever comes again…. well…

turn around like this:


and push that fucking cunt out of the emergency exit.

Fly High!

~ The Dark Horse

Ok, Let’s Talk In Vitro Versus Adoption


So let me start by saying this is sooooooo far off from what this blog is normally about, but I don’t care.   This issue has been a source of many debates between me and others in the past and yesterday it was brought up again and so I’ve decided to write about it.

I will begin by putting it all out there:  I am totally against In Vitro.

And this has nothing to do with a religious stance or bias or anything.  I am a gay atheist.  Trust me….Its not religious

But here is my main reason:

 It is a horrendous waste.

In Vitro costs 15,000 dollars per cycle. What I mean by “per cycle” is that in vitro doesn’t always work the first time.

In fact, the average success rate of in vitro is about 35%….which means a lot of women pay more than once.


Furthermore, and here is the most important one:

It is horribly selfish. 


Can your brains comprehend how many kids would love to have a home?   How many out there would love to come home with parents like you?  Parents who want a child so badly they are willing to spend almost twenty thousand dollars multiple times in order to have kids?

These kids were born to parents who literally threw them away.

Parents who didn’t want them, or were too young to handle them, or too poor to keep them.

If you’re able to get in vitro you are none of these things. 

Don’t deny kids a happy life simply because you want your baby to have your DNA


I mean really?  what is so damn special about your DNA anyways?   One could possibly say in vitro is pure narcissism.

In closing, think about others.  Don’t just think of the economic cost of in vitro.  Think of the social cost as well

~ The Dark Horse

Getting Back To It. Or, Emerging from Depression


So I’m at a point I think a lot of you are familiar with.  The end of that hibernation period.  That point where we are crawling out of our hole of depression, anxiety, and panic.

When I arrived in Auckland 2 weeks ago I got strep throat and an upper respiratory infection. This obviously put my life on hold.  No job hunting, no apartment hunting, no making friends. This then led to me feeling massively down.  Out of the loop.  Feeling like this was just the biggest failure.  Blowing all my money on having to stay in hotels.  Eating thai takeout (which is truly the best cure for sickness….but really fattening).

But here I am.   its Auckland New Zealand Take 2! 


The gears are starting to turn again.   Im starting to feel like perhaps life isn’t over.  Maybe I can try again.

But at the same time, this is our most fragile moment.  This is where somehow, despite all of our past failures and misery we have to get up.  We have to dust the sand off our face and decide to tell ourselves that we will survive.

That this time, we can survive. We will be better and stronger than before. 


Somehow, we have found more coal to throw into the fire.  The steam begins to rise from the engine.

This is not over.  Not by a long shot.


Oh yes, we may throw black smoke into the sky in the beginning.  We are old, rusty, and dirty.  This isn’t our first time being knocked down and Im afraid to say it may not be our last.

But people this is far from over.

Once we get going, I think at some point, we will find our sweet spot.  We will never wanna stop again.

We will survive and thrive.

We were meant to be more and better than this.  I mean really, isn’t that was mental illness really is?   Our sensitivity to things that the commoner can’t even see?

Now lets use that to our advantage.  To be strong.  Not weak.

All aboard?


Lets roll bitches! No time to proofread! 

~ The Dark Horse

Dealing With Constant Setbacks (PART 2)


So the last post was all about perhaps going the easy road in this life.  Rolling with the punches.  As Pocahontas’s father said, “Be steady as the beating drum

To read it, check out the link:

Dealing With Constant Setbacks (PART 1)

And I think thats important, and I agree I shouldn’t let problems get into my head so much and perhaps Im high strung….ugh….ok yeah I’m super high strung.

But here’s the deal:

I was never really like Pocahontas’s dad.  I was always more like Pocahontas.  My compass never pointed in one direction.  I never had the same dreams and interests as other people.  My river was always running over rapids, never still and calm like Lake Placid.



I want adventure.

I want love.

 I want happiness.

I want my voice to be heard in this world.

I want to tell people the need to be better because society is going down the shithole and fast! 




So what to do?

Should we sail steady and smooth?  Treading lightly and going for the lighter side of life like Pocahontas’s father?


Or should we be like Pocahontas?   And jump?

Jump for what though? That is the scary part isn’t it?  For adventure?  For a better life? Or to our death?


Thats the risk with jumping I suppose…. but can you really live a life without ever taking a risk?

I’d hate to put ideas in your mind….but I think I like jumping

~ The dark horse

Dealing With Constant Setbacks (PART 1)


So far into my move to Auckland very little has gone right.   Sickness, the one friend Ive made here is leaving in 5 days (Yeah, 2 weeks in and I’m already dealing with losing a potential friendship…go me), unemployment, and no place to live.

And now….I think I may be getting sick again.  Sick or just rundown, I’m not sure anymore.

So, I’m thinking setbacks will always be there.   This dream of everything going right; This dream that one day things will be good forever….I don’t think that will exist.

Struggles and problems will constantly be thrown at us.  And especially for anyone out there with depression, anxiety, or panic.   We will always be dealing with problems that nobody else is.  More severe problems.

But what can we do?

Well honesty nothing.

I don’t think our goal is to prevent problems from happening because I don’t think that will ever happen.  I think our goal is to weather the storm.  Our goal is role with the punches.

Might I even say something very cliche and Disney-esque?


Perhaps we need to be steady as the beating drum?

Why fight the whats already coming right?  Pocahontas’s father told her that:

“As the river cuts his path, though the rivers proud and strong, he will choose the smoothest course”  

Maybe we are all just fighting too hard?  Maybe when other people tell us we need to calm down and smell the roses…maybe they’re right?


Should we all just take a chill pill?

~ The Dark Horse