A Life Divided (Or, The Struggle Between Living Life and Thriving Life)

life

So, I have this problem and I bet a lot of you can relate.  The struggle is this:

There are 2 me’s.  There is the Me I want to be, and the Me I don’t want to be….but somehow am so socially retarded that I can’t even be.

Let me be more clear:

THE ME I WANT TO BE:

I have always wanted to make a huge impact in this world.  I have always wanted to have adventure, and love, and have my voice be heard.  I really want to try to change the way the world works because it just seems so shitty right now.

THE ME I CANT EVEN BE BECAUSE IM SUCH A MESS:

I want friends.  I want to have people to hang out with and to be able to sleep without laying in bed for 2 hours tossing and turning and thinking nonstop.  I want to understand what its like to have a social life.

life

So heres what happens:

I try to be the person I want be. I really try to go for my dreams and make a change and speak my views and be me.  But then I just feel so lonely all the time.  Its so insanely hard to be alone all the time.  To have never felt love.  To have never even have felt what a real friend is like.  It is crushing.

and so I spiral into depression which then brings out my anxiety and then Im collapsing on street corners and making a damn fool out of myself.

But this also happens:

So, I try to make friends and hang with people and be “normal” and oh fucking Christ does that end badly.  So I just hate people….like seriously.  I try to make friends and of course what does everyone want to do? Go clubbing or to a bar.  And they want to drink and smoke pot.  And they want to talk about themselves.  And they want to snapchat and instagram. And they want to look for sex.

And I sit there….. thinking of how much id rather be doing anything but what I’m doing at that moment. And I just dread every moment of interaction.  Then I go home and tell myself ill never do that again.

life2

Do any of you have these problems?  You have two sides.  Both seemingly impossible to achieve?

Do any of you struggle?

 

If so, lets be there for each other?  Because doing it alone is a bitch.

~ The Dark Horse

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5 thoughts on “A Life Divided (Or, The Struggle Between Living Life and Thriving Life)

  1. Yes, how I feel right now. I feel tired and just not excited or interested in anything. When I try, I feel like I am faking because part of me doesn’t really know who I am or where I want to be.

  2. This is so accurate – I have those two Me’s as well, and struggle with the loneliness and the anxiety and then hate it when I swing too far in the other direction too. I’ve found I can just about balance one with the other – like I’ll tell myself I have two evenings plus one of either Saturday or Sunday to myself and then push the things I love the other days / be sociable. Does that make sense? Anyway, so well written and concise. Nail on the head.

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