Monthly Archives: January 2016

I Had This Crazy Dream Last Night

dream

So, I had this crazy dream last night.   It was pretty violent, pretty terrifying, yet oddly invigorating and inspiring.  I spoke with a girl I work with and told her about my dream and she said it was amazing and full of meaning.

Ill write down my dream, and what she thinks it means.  Then in the comments section it would be awesome to hear what you guys think!

THE DREAM:

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Alright, so I’m walking down a city street.  Its about 5, maybe 6pm.   There are all tall buildings on both sides.

In fact, it looked almost identical to this street right here:

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So I’m walking down and suddenly this super big and sort-of attractive buff blonde guy starts giving me shit  (you know the type, kinda cute, but has some acne…probably from the steroids….and has a real shit temper….probably from the steroids….and is looking to prove his masculinity in strange rage-filled ways…. probably stemming from the same insecurities that drove him to use steroids)

He starts calling me faggot and getting all gorilla like, throwing his hands in the air making whatever those weird hand gestures are straight guys use to show they mean business…..very primal boys….very primal, congrats.

So he comes at me and pushes me down

There are people all around and nobody seems to notice.  He’s sitting on me so i can’t move, holding down my arms as he calls me pussy and faggot and tells me he’s going to kill me.

I remember feeling weak.  Feeling tired. Feeling hopeless.   Feeling alone, abandoned, and scared.    Its strange though, the feeling of hopelessness and sadness was far greater than the sense of fear.

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Suddenly I wake up.

Im lying there.  Unable to sleep or think about anything else besides:

Why am I so weak?  Why am I someone’s prey?  Why am I so alone? Why am I always filled with so much dread?

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I don’t think I can go back to sleep.  I don’t know how I somehow managed to fall back into…

DREAM #2

Im back on the same city street.  Walking along again, feeling like this had just happened. Suddenly a guy starts harassing me.   He is about my age (26) my heigh (6’1 foot) so he’s a tall guy.  He is in shape and good looking.  He isn’t buff tho.  Average to athletic build, but not buff.   He seems more manageable than the last one.  He seems easier.

The story seems to start to repeat itself.  He comes up calling me fag and telling me he’s going to kill me.  Then he grabs my shirt.

I however, am not the same.   I push him back.

He comes up and tries to punch me but I dodge it.

I then kick him in the balls causing him to fall to the ground.

I kick his face.  He starts to bleed.

I however, don’t want to kill him.  I am not a murderer. So once he’s down, I run into a Chinese takeout shop that happens to be on the street. I tell them to call 911.

Almost immediately after I yell that, he’s running into the shop and throws me into the black and white checkered tile wall.   He comes up to punch me when I grab his head.

I then slam his head into the tiled wall.  I yank his head off the wall and then slam it into it again.   He’s clearly starting to lose the ability to fight.  I throw him onto the ground and pull off his belt and tie it around his neck as I start to choke him.  Then, using the belt, I lift his head and neck up off the floor and then I release, letting him drop back onto the floor.

I do this repeatedly until he is bloody, barely conscious and looking like he will never be able to fully recover.  I see a baseball bat behind the counter and decide to finish it.

With one strong, steady, fast swing of a metal baseball bat aimed directly at his skull, i take his life.

Then there is a weird cut, almost to like the ending of an action movie, where I’m sitting on the edge of an open-doored ambulance answering questions from police.

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There are firefighters, police, medics, the media, and a crowd.

I tell the police it was out of self defense.  People in the take out shop are there explaining that it wasn’t my fault.   I watch as a medical crew pull a body body bag past me in a stretcher.

There is a feeling that people are on my side.  That I’m not seen as a bad guy, but as a victim who had to do what he had to do.

Then….

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Im awake again.  Feeling weird.

Feeling brutal, toughened, kind of scaring myself with how violent I had become.  But at the same time I felt free.  I felt liberated.  I felt badass.  Strong. Ready to take on the world.

I went to work that morning and had to tell my story to someone.   This girl I told it to is kind of one of those weird emo/gypsy/wicken type girls, so she always has something interesting to say.

HER INTERPRETAION

So she said it was kind of a rebirth.  The first time was my feelings of being weak and powerless.   I was letting out my insecurities and hatred of the world.  My fear of men, my fear of closeness, my fear of interacting, my fear of everything really.

The second dream is my subconscious acknowledging and being empowered by what I’ve learned.  By the strength I’ve gained.  I am stronger than I was.  I am better.  I can hold my own.

Im living in a foreign country.  I keep moving.  I keep going. With depression, anxiety, and a fear that life won’t get better.  But I haven’t given up.

I am finally seeing the strength and the will power I have.

So all in all, wasn’t such a bad night!

So, what do you guys think?  I wanna know your thoughts!

~ The Dark Horse

(I was proof reading…then i got really into it and think I kind of just stopped…oops)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Making Friends When You Have Anxiety and Depression (Or, You Are The Hunter, They Are Your Prey)

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So, lets talk about being friendless.   There are those of us out there who are alone all the time.  Friendless, loveless, lost creatures.

The reasons why this happens are endless:  Depression, anxiety, addiction, fear, desperation, dread.

But you know what, there is always hope and Im going to lead by example.  I have found a “friend potential”.

Ok, let me set the scene.  The apartment unit next to mine was empty until last week when a cute boy around my age moved in.  I think he’s living there alone right now.  All of our front doors share a big courtyard so I see him walk by my door a lot.

I think this is a perfect “lead” for a friendship.  I mean right?  He’s just moved into a new apartment complex where he doesn’t know anyone. Im relatively new to a foreign country.  We have something in common.  We are in a new space.

Whats that?  You think this is weird? You think this is crazy?  Well hunnybunches let tell you something.  We are weird and crazy.   We are the outcasts, the ones who don’t fit in.  The ones who will always be different.   Its time to get that and use your skills!

I don’t know if we will ever be able to make friends “the normal way”. And because of that we must hunt our new friends like a lion stalking his prey.

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So, if there is one to take away from this post it is that we have to get creative in how we make friends.   Meetup.com  Tinder  Even chatting up neighbors in your apartment buildings.   EVERYONE is a potential friend (well, unless they seem like a shallow cunt, in which case, stay away)  And the reason this is important is because If you’re like me, finding friends in normal social situations is IMPOSSIBLE! 

And I’m just using myself as an example here, but when people are drinking and getting high, I literally can’t become their friends.  Talking about shallow bullshit and the desire to feel cheap instant pleasure just doesn’t appeal to me.

If someone is with other friends who they more than me, and they’re sharing stories of the good ol’ days, I feel alienated and can’t feel comfortable.   If they’re gossiping about people they both know, then I just get mad.

So things like making friends by going to parties or bars and clubs will never work for me.

The issues of my past have fucked up my present.

So, the hunt continues:

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URGENT UPDATE! 

The cure boy next door literally just walked in front of my door!  (Im sitting here blogging trying to make conversation as inviting as possible so I have the front door opened to let the summer breeze in (and the cute boy next door).

ugh, I’m like a little school girl, this is sad.

ANYWAYS LETS GET BACK ON TOPIC PEOPLE!

SO yes lets talk about the plan:  Here is how its going to go.

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step 1.)  Im going to knock on his door and wait for him to answer

step 2.)  Im going to say something like “Hey I saw you just moved in here, just wanted to introduce myself, I’m Keith.  Moved here from America recently….something something something”

Thats a good conversation starter right? 

step 3.) Then depending how the conversation goes one of two things will happen.  Either he won’t want to talk and ill sulk back to my room feeling like a complete fool, a loser, a pathetic piece of shit who will always be friendless.  Ill probably get a pad thai and watch some gay romcom and tcry myself to sleep

or

The conversation goes well.   Maybe he’s alone in a new city just like me?  Maybe he loves movies too.  Maybe he has a weird obsession and fascination with airplanes, roller coasters, and bigfoot like me (don’t judge me bitches)

So the game now is the waiting game.  I need to find the perfect time (Im thinking in the evening? the last thing i want to do is walk over to have a potential life changing conversation and then he’s gotta leave in 10 minutes and can’t chat)

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Alright guys, I’m taking on a big crazy mission here!   If I can do it, you can do it!  Now get out there and make some friends!

~ The Dark Horse

Much like ground beef, the percentage of this post that was proofread was maybe 80/20?

 

5 Things to Never Say To A Depressed Person

never

Ah, I know why you’re here.  You know someone suffering from depression and are looking for some advice or closure.  Or perhaps you’re someone who does have depression and you’re looking to commiserate and see if others experience the things you do.

….well…. the answer is yes.

To the normal people out there… dear sweet jesus you say some really dumb shit to us all the time and you probably don’t know it. 

And to the depressed people out there….. you’re not alone.  I hear this said to me and others all the time.

So lets get into it with THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A DEPRESSED PERSON! 

 

 

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1.)  “YEAH I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE SAD.  THIS ONE TIME BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH HAPPENED TO ME”

So, I know this one is done with good intentions, however, it just isn’t true. Unfortunately, depression is a miserable, ongoing agony that makes life hard to live.   Depression is not us being sad because of a breakup, or because we didn’t make the varsity team, or because we didn’t get that promotion.

We still have all of life’s normal problems like you.  We however have this extra weight that at times seems completely impossible to lift.   Impossible to cure.  Impossible to move beyond.  And trust me, hearing you always tell us how you guys get it and know what were talking about is annoying and only continues our belief that we shouldn’t talk to you about this.

 

 

 

 

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2.)  “YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT”

Really?  I hadn’t noticed, thanks for that.

When we stroll into work Monday morning looking like a fucking mess it isn’t because we spent the weekend snorting coke and drinking at the clubs like you.  Its because we haven’t slept properly for over 5 years.  Its because our professional and personal relationships fall apart at the seams. Its because we don’t eat properly because were too depressed to give a fuck.

So please, keep your comments to yourself because every time I hear someone say that to me I want to go hide under my covers for another 5 years.

 

 

 

 

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3.) “WHY DONT YOU JUST TAKE MEDICATION?”

Because bitch, then I’m a drug addict.

And don’t get me wrong, mediation is the road some people choose and for them it may be the best option.  However, two things here sweet pie:  First, if someone is taking medication for their problems DONT FUCKING BRING IT UP TO THEM!  That is proper rudeness right there.

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And secondly, a lot of studies show that for long-term progress medication doesn’t score as high as therapy and hard work.    Medication is a quicker fix but what it ends up being is a band aid over a gaping wound.  Once you remove the medication the problem is still there.  You didn’t actually fix anything you just temporarily covered it up.

So please, don’t encourage your friends or family members to stop fighting simply because you don’t want to deal with it.

 

 

 

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4.) “ARE YOU STILL RELIABLE?”

Wow…. can someone in the audience start a slow clap for all the cunts out there who have said this.   If you’re an employer or teacher or coach or any role of authority out there DO YOU REALLY THINK ASKING THIS WILL IN ANY WAY POSSIBLY HELP THE SITUATION?

Cuz clearly we don’t have enough shit to deal with already.  But I’m sorry that my misery is causing you to worry.  Because you’re right guys, you’re clearly the victim here…..

Advice:  get over yourself and offer support not judgement.  EVERYONE will benefit I promise

 

 

 

never9

5.) ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: “GET OVER IT”, “ARE YOU STILL ACTING LIKE THAT?”, “YOU KNOW WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS”, “YOURE JUST DRAMATIC”, “DRAMA QUEEN”, “YOURE DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION”, OR ANY OTHER SELFISH MEAN SHIT

If I ever catch any of you saying this shit I will come and beat you down like I’m Madea

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I understand that as a normal person you will never understand.  I also understand that as a normal person, you will never understand that you will never understand.  So, since we have an understanding that there will always be a misunderstanding I need you to just believe me on this one:

YOU JUST DONT GET IT TOOTS.

This is not us asking for attention.  This is not us dwelling on the past for no reason.  This isn’t a show, because, and not to be mean here…. You’re just a normal person.  Why would we go through all this effort to put on a show for you?  Perhaps thats your inner self-obsession coming through?    Perhaps you’re actually being the drama queen here?  Making our misery somehow about you?   bravo sir, bravo.

ohhhh lord…… oh god, I’m getting mad writing this now…. my inner Madea is coming through again!

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Im sorry I’m sorry!   Im not a mean person its just that you have to understand that your words and actions have consequences, and you can’t just say shit like that to people who are already fragile.    ….oohhh… oh god… here it comes again

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Im sorry for throwing a ham at you….. Im going to be nice now.

 

So lets just come to a truce here.   Im going to be nice and you’re going to be nice.  Got it?   Lets all just work together and be nicer and support each other rather than be pitted against each other.   After all, the Beatles did say “Love is all you need”

never final

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

4 Things Ive Learned From Depression And Anxiety

dep

Ah yes, so I have been a mess for a very good portion of my life.  This old sea cow has weathered a few storms, don’t you worry.   Im here today to say some things that I’ve learned in my years of depression and anxiety.

Now these may not resonate with everything but I’m writing this because I know how lonely and isolating it can feel to think nobody is going through what you’re going through.  And if you’re someone who is just coming to realize they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety, well, welcome to the club and let the old Dark Horse show you a thing or two about a thing or two.

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1.) SHIT WILL GET WEIRD AND AWKWARD

Yep, thats right.  Depression and anxiety will bring about many uncomfortable, awful, miserable moments in your life.   You will have breakdowns in front of people. You will have moments where you hate your life so much that it will show to everyone around you.  You will be more clumsy, distracted, aloof.  You’ll have a certain je ne sais quoi about you that the commoner just won’t understand.

My tip:  Just fucking go with it.  Do EVERYTHING you can to fight your depression and anxiety.  Therapy, group therapy, branch out into new activities (which will probably cause more awkward moments). But when it comes to the dirty, messy, slippery ride that is called HEALING, just let yourself go.  Allow it to happen because trust me, in 5 years you will be laughing about the stories you tell people. There is a sort of sick, twisted humor that we develop because of everything we’ve gone though.  Just laugh baby!

 

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2.) NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS, THERE IS ALWAYS A TOMORROW

I can’t tell you the number of days and nights Ive sat in my room, too depressed to do anything.  Too depressed to eat, or blog, or journal, or read.  I would just put on youtube and stare at it as I looked for sex on Grindr.  I was a fucking mess.   I was also suffering from anxiety so severe that I was too afraid to go outside.  I felt so weak that I feared going outside would cause me to collapse.

I just wanted nothing more than my life to be over.  OR AT LEAST THAT DAY TO BE OVER.  I yearned for something more. For just something to change.  That weird feeling of,

Im too tired to move +

Im so angry that Im not living a life+

Im too afraid to live a life+

Life is pointless anyways why bother =

YOU WANNA GO OFF THE FUCKIN RAILS AND DESTROY THINGS

But you know what?  The next day came and I felt a little better.  A little more capable.  A little more ready for the day.  A little more me.

My tip: SPOIL YOURSELF!  Feeling like shit?  Watch the sappiest and happiest chick flick you can!   Feeling like you just can’t go outside?  Make a 5 star meal! Spend 8 hours baking in the kitchen!  I mean seriously… you’re not gonna go out anyways, why not?  Throw 5 bath bombs in your tub and sit your ass in as you sing Summer Nights from Grease!

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Im sorry, whats that?  You think that sitting in a bubblebath playing Grease on YouTube at full volume as you sing along is crazy?  Bitch look yourself, you’re laying in bed in your underwear right now with 5 days worth of Chinese take out piled up because you’re too depressed too cook…. I assure you, this is surely not beneath you. Now go run some water, you gotta bath to get into!

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3.)  YOUR VIEW OF THE WORLD WILL BECOME DIFFERENT

One of the worst things about depression is that it changes you.   The science behind depression shows that your brain literally becomes rewired and things fire differently inside your head.  Depression will cause you to become more prone being negative.  To feel destitute.  To not trust others.

This is partly due to the cycle of depression, and the cycle of depression is partly what causes it.  Its a real catch 22.

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My Tip: FIGHT THIS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!  Never ever give up on yourself !  NEVER EVER BACK DOWN!   It takes a smart person to overcome obstacles in your life. It takes an even bigger and smarter person to understand and accept that perhaps you are going to be wrong about certain things.  That perhaps your brain is seeing things not for what they actually are.  In short, WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.  Learn it, live it, deal with it, and most importantly, BEAT IT! 

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4.)  ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN UNTIL THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED

I have learned that depression and anxiety change.  It fluctuates.  it moves.  Honestly, its quite scary because you will never know what the fuck is going on if you leave it unchecked.

For me, if I don’t focus on fixing my depression and work hard at it, I break into really bad health anxiety.  its like this weird automatic response.  For a while I even had really bad agoraphobia.

There was a period where my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t even focus on how depressed I was.  Doing something as simple as walking 3 blocks to the grocery store without passing out was considered a victory.   Then, when I got into therapy and started examining why everything had fallen apart I developed more strength.  The old me started coming back…. and the depression came back, which honestly, once you experience panic attacks, depression is a much-welcomed improvement

(Can I get a What What from all my homeboys with anxiety?)

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My Tip: Understand, accept, and conquer.

Understand that you’re not dying nor are you losing your mind (well…you lost your mind a little). But don’t fear.  Don’t think that now that you have a new problem you’re not used to that everything is over.  It isn’t.  However, its time to…

Accept that we have now reached a new time and place in your life.  Clearly you have changing problems or compounding problems.  This isn’t a time for rolling over and letting the wolves tear you apart.  In fact, just the opposite.  Its now time to…

Conquer this fucking shit.  Demand someone to bring you the head of John The Baptist because you are about to go hardcore, balls-to-the-wall, Game Of Thrones style batshit crazy against your foe known only as depression and anxiety.

 

 

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Its judgement day people, fight and win.  I guarantee you that you have it in you, even if you don’t know it yet!

 

Alright so there are 4 things I’ve learned so far.  Anyone else have anything to add?  Anything you’ve learned?  Always love to hear your opinion and thoughts!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

Being INFJ (Or, Oh sweet thing, yes being INFJ will make your life tough, but damn it can also make it beautiful)

infj

Well bitches, I’m back.   I was alone during the holidays…. both New Years and Christmas… and so I was a miserable Grinch who wanted nothing more than to bring about the destruction of the human race.  So i decided I needed a little inspiration and thought I’d look into what it meant to be INFJ again.

Long story short, never knew about the Myers Briggs until about December 2013 when I had to take the entire 4 billion question test as part of my assessment for therapy, and since then I have really learned a lot and have found great comfort in knowing I’m not alone out there.

So quick breakdown for those of you who may be having your first INFJ experience in learning about yourself.

INFJ: These four little letters will change your life, for we make up only 1 to 1.5 percent of the human population.  We are the eternal oddballs.

I: INTROVERTED INTUITON

This is our ability to see through…. well, everything and everyone.   Do you know that feeling you get when you just know someone is lying?   Or maybe it isn’t even that extreme.  Say you’ve been on a date and you can tell the other person isn’t in to you?  You ask them if they need to go or if everything is ok and they keep saying yes but you know better. You literally can FEEL that they have their things on their mind (and of course, just as you suspected, you never hear from them ever again) Has this ever happened to anyone?    Or when you see politicians talk in a debate and you just look and listen to what they’re saying and you’re like…no….nooo…NNNOOOOOOO YOURE SOOOO PANDERING TO THE PUBLIC IM ONTO YOU!

Well this is our intuition.  And I’m sorry to tell you this kiddos but we have the best intuition of all the humans on the planet… and it will never go away.  That gut instinct you get will never go away.  It is out curse and our blessing.

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(Does anyone else feel like they may perhaps be a black sheep?)

 

N: EXTROVERTED FEELING 

This is the shit that really makes the INFJ an INFJ. This is our ability to not only grasp and understand reality, and simultaneously see the spin that the commoners put on it to suit their own selfish needs, but this is where we then think further.  Understanding that everyone sees things in a different light isn’t good enough for us.  We have to ask why: Is this ok?  Could life be better if certain people saw things in a different way?  Who is the real winner in these situations? Why don’t you just do things for the good of humanity rather than for your selfish desires?   We then take this knowledge and preach.   Hence the extroverted feeling.  We must extrovertly express our feelings.  This is why so many INFJ’s because counselors, teachers, authors, public figures, and activists.  We must speak!

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F: INTROVERTED THINKING

Have any of you ever been called aloof or distant, or my personal favorite, has anyone every said to you something like, “Your head is stuck in the clouds, or, you think you’re better than other people”.  This is due to our introverted thinking.  Before we can vocally preach we must take time to introvertedly think.   Our power to preach comes from the energy around us, where our power to think comes from inside.  It is our flame.  Our never ending inner spirit.  This is what makes INFJ’s so awesome.  We could be locked in a prison kept away from the world but our desire to direct, to find solutions, and to help will never die.   We can not be held down.  As part of this, we see big picture versus small picture as well.

If you’re INFJ you may notice that in a lot of conversations where two people may be saying something like,

Person 1: “Oh my God you know I really try to be a good person”

Person 2: “Oh my God, me too.  Like, I just want everyone to chill and be happy”

In your head you’re probably thinking “OK BITCHES FOR STARTERS, you’re both wearing clothes made from slave labour in China. You’re using iPhones made from slave labour in China, all I ever see you do is take selfies of yourselves and post them to instagram or snapchat which shows your self-obsession and possible self-delusion, not to mention you totally judge everyone around you, work for a large corporation that rapes the world of its resources, and you never question the ideals of capitalism which are completely ruthless and only favor those who are already wealthy”

On the outside you’re being very quiet.  You’re in your stage of think, process, conclude, and figure out how to tell the world this without making everyone hate you.

Again… I’ve said this before and I will say it again, being INFJ is a blessing and a curse.  It will definitely never make your life easy.  its about using your skills to rock out in this world.  Not to hide them under a rock.

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J: EXTROVERTED SENSING

This is the true glory of the INFJ.  This is where we once again see the split.   the blending of introversion and extroversion.

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Like the galaxy swirling and colliding, our introverted and extroverted selves mix like a beautiful choreographed symphony.   Ever see the movie divergent?  Well, we literally are divergent.

This is our ability to still live in the world around us.  Where most personality types either are lost in thought or consumed by the cheap thrills around them we get both.  We know how to dream up worlds, but we also are able to see around us.  We are able to see how to create these worlds in our current time and space.

We are the movers and the shakers.  We are INFJ.

SO WHAT DO WE TAKE AWAY FROM THIS?

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We are rare.  Like really really really rare.  Our brain doesn’t function like most people’s.   WHICH IS AWESOME AND SPECIAL 

 

it also makes us prone to certain things though.   Being misunderstood, loneliness, depression, anxiety, feeling trapped.  These are all common when you are INFJ because you literally are so rare. This isn’t in your head people.  You’re not just making it up that you feel like the outcast all the time.  Like I said above, we only make up 1 percent of the human population!  THAT IS CRAZY! 

So you have the choice:  Rock out in life, or fall to the dark side.

I hope NONE OF YOU do that because you are too special to waste.

Always remember you’re not alone and you can be anything you want.  We are INFJ, we are fucking awesome!

~ The Dark Horse

 

(was the proof read?  eh…. like 50/50 give me a break!)