Ah yes, so I have been a mess for a very good portion of my life. This old sea cow has weathered a few storms, don’t you worry. Im here today to say some things that I’ve learned in my years of depression and anxiety.
Now these may not resonate with everything but I’m writing this because I know how lonely and isolating it can feel to think nobody is going through what you’re going through. And if you’re someone who is just coming to realize they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety, well, welcome to the club and let the old Dark Horse show you a thing or two about a thing or two.
1.) SHIT WILL GET WEIRD AND AWKWARD
Yep, thats right. Depression and anxiety will bring about many uncomfortable, awful, miserable moments in your life. You will have breakdowns in front of people. You will have moments where you hate your life so much that it will show to everyone around you. You will be more clumsy, distracted, aloof. You’ll have a certain je ne sais quoi about you that the commoner just won’t understand.
My tip: Just fucking go with it. Do EVERYTHING you can to fight your depression and anxiety. Therapy, group therapy, branch out into new activities (which will probably cause more awkward moments). But when it comes to the dirty, messy, slippery ride that is called HEALING, just let yourself go. Allow it to happen because trust me, in 5 years you will be laughing about the stories you tell people. There is a sort of sick, twisted humor that we develop because of everything we’ve gone though. Just laugh baby!
2.) NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS, THERE IS ALWAYS A TOMORROW
I can’t tell you the number of days and nights Ive sat in my room, too depressed to do anything. Too depressed to eat, or blog, or journal, or read. I would just put on youtube and stare at it as I looked for sex on Grindr. I was a fucking mess. I was also suffering from anxiety so severe that I was too afraid to go outside. I felt so weak that I feared going outside would cause me to collapse.
I just wanted nothing more than my life to be over. OR AT LEAST THAT DAY TO BE OVER. I yearned for something more. For just something to change. That weird feeling of,
Im too tired to move +
Im so angry that Im not living a life+
Im too afraid to live a life+
Life is pointless anyways why bother =
YOU WANNA GO OFF THE FUCKIN RAILS AND DESTROY THINGS
But you know what? The next day came and I felt a little better. A little more capable. A little more ready for the day. A little more me.
My tip: SPOIL YOURSELF! Feeling like shit? Watch the sappiest and happiest chick flick you can! Feeling like you just can’t go outside? Make a 5 star meal! Spend 8 hours baking in the kitchen! I mean seriously… you’re not gonna go out anyways, why not? Throw 5 bath bombs in your tub and sit your ass in as you sing Summer Nights from Grease!
Im sorry, whats that? You think that sitting in a bubblebath playing Grease on YouTube at full volume as you sing along is crazy? Bitch look yourself, you’re laying in bed in your underwear right now with 5 days worth of Chinese take out piled up because you’re too depressed too cook…. I assure you, this is surely not beneath you. Now go run some water, you gotta bath to get into!
3.) YOUR VIEW OF THE WORLD WILL BECOME DIFFERENT
One of the worst things about depression is that it changes you. The science behind depression shows that your brain literally becomes rewired and things fire differently inside your head. Depression will cause you to become more prone being negative. To feel destitute. To not trust others.
This is partly due to the cycle of depression, and the cycle of depression is partly what causes it. Its a real catch 22.
My Tip: FIGHT THIS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN! Never ever give up on yourself ! NEVER EVER BACK DOWN! It takes a smart person to overcome obstacles in your life. It takes an even bigger and smarter person to understand and accept that perhaps you are going to be wrong about certain things. That perhaps your brain is seeing things not for what they actually are. In short, WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT CRAZY. Learn it, live it, deal with it, and most importantly, BEAT IT!
4.) ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN UNTIL THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED
I have learned that depression and anxiety change. It fluctuates. it moves. Honestly, its quite scary because you will never know what the fuck is going on if you leave it unchecked.
For me, if I don’t focus on fixing my depression and work hard at it, I break into really bad health anxiety. its like this weird automatic response. For a while I even had really bad agoraphobia.
There was a period where my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t even focus on how depressed I was. Doing something as simple as walking 3 blocks to the grocery store without passing out was considered a victory. Then, when I got into therapy and started examining why everything had fallen apart I developed more strength. The old me started coming back…. and the depression came back, which honestly, once you experience panic attacks, depression is a much-welcomed improvement
(Can I get a What What from all my homeboys with anxiety?)
My Tip: Understand, accept, and conquer.
Understand that you’re not dying nor are you losing your mind (well…you lost your mind a little). But don’t fear. Don’t think that now that you have a new problem you’re not used to that everything is over. It isn’t. However, its time to…
Accept that we have now reached a new time and place in your life. Clearly you have changing problems or compounding problems. This isn’t a time for rolling over and letting the wolves tear you apart. In fact, just the opposite. Its now time to…
Conquer this fucking shit. Demand someone to bring you the head of John The Baptist because you are about to go hardcore, balls-to-the-wall, Game Of Thrones style batshit crazy against your foe known only as depression and anxiety.
Its judgement day people, fight and win. I guarantee you that you have it in you, even if you don’t know it yet!
Alright so there are 4 things I’ve learned so far. Anyone else have anything to add? Anything you’ve learned? Always love to hear your opinion and thoughts!
~ The Dark Horse