So, I had this crazy dream last night. It was pretty violent, pretty terrifying, yet oddly invigorating and inspiring. I spoke with a girl I work with and told her about my dream and she said it was amazing and full of meaning.
Ill write down my dream, and what she thinks it means. Then in the comments section it would be awesome to hear what you guys think!
Alright, so I’m walking down a city street. Its about 5, maybe 6pm. There are all tall buildings on both sides.
In fact, it looked almost identical to this street right here:
So I’m walking down and suddenly this super big and sort-of attractive buff blonde guy starts giving me shit (you know the type, kinda cute, but has some acne…probably from the steroids….and has a real shit temper….probably from the steroids….and is looking to prove his masculinity in strange rage-filled ways…. probably stemming from the same insecurities that drove him to use steroids)
He starts calling me faggot and getting all gorilla like, throwing his hands in the air making whatever those weird hand gestures are straight guys use to show they mean business…..very primal boys….very primal, congrats.
So he comes at me and pushes me down
There are people all around and nobody seems to notice. He’s sitting on me so i can’t move, holding down my arms as he calls me pussy and faggot and tells me he’s going to kill me.
I remember feeling weak. Feeling tired. Feeling hopeless. Feeling alone, abandoned, and scared. Its strange though, the feeling of hopelessness and sadness was far greater than the sense of fear.
Suddenly I wake up.
Im lying there. Unable to sleep or think about anything else besides:
Why am I so weak? Why am I someone’s prey? Why am I so alone? Why am I always filled with so much dread?
I don’t think I can go back to sleep. I don’t know how I somehow managed to fall back into…
Im back on the same city street. Walking along again, feeling like this had just happened. Suddenly a guy starts harassing me. He is about my age (26) my heigh (6’1 foot) so he’s a tall guy. He is in shape and good looking. He isn’t buff tho. Average to athletic build, but not buff. He seems more manageable than the last one. He seems easier.
The story seems to start to repeat itself. He comes up calling me fag and telling me he’s going to kill me. Then he grabs my shirt.
I however, am not the same. I push him back.
He comes up and tries to punch me but I dodge it.
I then kick him in the balls causing him to fall to the ground.
I kick his face. He starts to bleed.
I however, don’t want to kill him. I am not a murderer. So once he’s down, I run into a Chinese takeout shop that happens to be on the street. I tell them to call 911.
Almost immediately after I yell that, he’s running into the shop and throws me into the black and white checkered tile wall. He comes up to punch me when I grab his head.
I then slam his head into the tiled wall. I yank his head off the wall and then slam it into it again. He’s clearly starting to lose the ability to fight. I throw him onto the ground and pull off his belt and tie it around his neck as I start to choke him. Then, using the belt, I lift his head and neck up off the floor and then I release, letting him drop back onto the floor.
I do this repeatedly until he is bloody, barely conscious and looking like he will never be able to fully recover. I see a baseball bat behind the counter and decide to finish it.
With one strong, steady, fast swing of a metal baseball bat aimed directly at his skull, i take his life.
Then there is a weird cut, almost to like the ending of an action movie, where I’m sitting on the edge of an open-doored ambulance answering questions from police.
There are firefighters, police, medics, the media, and a crowd.
I tell the police it was out of self defense. People in the take out shop are there explaining that it wasn’t my fault. I watch as a medical crew pull a body body bag past me in a stretcher.
There is a feeling that people are on my side. That I’m not seen as a bad guy, but as a victim who had to do what he had to do.
Im awake again. Feeling weird.
Feeling brutal, toughened, kind of scaring myself with how violent I had become. But at the same time I felt free. I felt liberated. I felt badass. Strong. Ready to take on the world.
I went to work that morning and had to tell my story to someone. This girl I told it to is kind of one of those weird emo/gypsy/wicken type girls, so she always has something interesting to say.
So she said it was kind of a rebirth. The first time was my feelings of being weak and powerless. I was letting out my insecurities and hatred of the world. My fear of men, my fear of closeness, my fear of interacting, my fear of everything really.
The second dream is my subconscious acknowledging and being empowered by what I’ve learned. By the strength I’ve gained. I am stronger than I was. I am better. I can hold my own.
Im living in a foreign country. I keep moving. I keep going. With depression, anxiety, and a fear that life won’t get better. But I haven’t given up.
I am finally seeing the strength and the will power I have.
So all in all, wasn’t such a bad night!
So, what do you guys think? I wanna know your thoughts!
~ The Dark Horse
(I was proof reading…then i got really into it and think I kind of just stopped…oops)