Monthly Archives: February 2016

Rebuilding Your Life When Its Crumbled To Nothing

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So in the last couple of blog posts I had been talking about just saying Fuck It.  I had been pretty down and feeling like shit for being in New Zealand and not making any friends or anything, when I came across and ingenious thought….  Fuck It.

Thats right.  Fuck It.   At the end of the day, none of this means anything.  Embarrassing myself in front of others means nothing when Im alone all the time anyways (whats gonna happen? Ill lose my popularity? …funny joke right?)

Who cares if they tell you “No, i don’t know you go away”… lets be honest here… we were gonna be alone tonight anyways right?

I decided I no longer was looking for friends, but was HUNTING FOR FRIENDS

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Thats right bitches.   You’re the eagle, they’re the trout.   Stalk and attack.

 

So I’m no longer being like…

“Oh hey hows it going?”

“Hows your day going?”

“What do you do for work?”

“blah blah blah blah”

“Maybe if you’re free ever we cold hang out?”

Because the common man is a fuckin idiot and is self-obsessed.   The commoner NEVER thinks they have any free time.  Everyone is apparently as busy as the President.  I mean balancing their time on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, and Buzzfeed is just sooooooo time consuming.

So instead my conversations have become more like…

“Hey hows it going?”

“Oh nice so what do you do?”

“Hey thats awesome, so I’m new here and am looking to make friends.  Give me your number”

“Awesome, hows this weekend?”

 

And if you text them that weekend and they’re busy say, “Oh what are you doing?”  and of course they’ll respond with whatever dog and pony show they have going this weekend and then you simply say, “Oh that sounds awesome, mind if I tag along? I need to put myself out there and meet some people”.

If they still say no well just set fire to their house in the middle of the night…. KIDDING… Ha…ha…ha….  i mean….

THE POINT IS THAT YOURE BUILDING A LIFE HERE! 

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Thats right people!  Use those biceps and triceps and…. oh dear lord…. Feel free to stay at this part of the post for as long as you need before continuing.   (Its about building…. get it????  Thats why he’s there…. I wouldn’t shamelessly put an image of a hot guy up here for pure eye-candy pleasure would I?  This is a classy blog remember….Oh god I want him)

 

Where was I?  Right!  Building… thats what were doing!  Building a life!  Who cares if its embarrassing or messy!   In fact, its actually working for me!  I have plans for later today!  (Im actually pretty nervous, but I’m hoping it goes well!)

So right…. what we need to do is,

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Pound the nails into our walls to give us a sturdy foundation to branch from! 

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We must lay the pipework so our structures can……Idk?  have pipes? 

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We must use the monkey wrench to tighten the screws on those pipes we need! 

 

 

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We must Chainsaw!  Ugh.. Chainsaw our bad thoughts away?  Or um…. Use the chainsaw to cut through the negative thoughts that fill our minds?   Look… use the chainsaw for whatever the fuck you want to.  Im gonna use it so I can stand next to this guy 😉

 

Alright but in all honesty remember.  IT DOESNT MATTER.  THATS THE POINT.   Try and make friends!  Who cares if its awkward or messy or embarrassing or doesn’t go well.  Were already at ground zero!   We can only go up from here!

 

speaking of going up…..

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Room for one more boys? …excellent

~ The Dark Horse

Learning To Live Life (Which Is Actually Insanely Hard To Do)

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So I had a real shit weekend.  In that weekend I re-recognised something I had forgotten recently.  Your pain and your suffering means nothing to anyone else.   (Well, if you’re fortunate enough to have a close family, a spouse who loves you, or VERY good close and REAL friends theres an exception)  However, if you’re reading this blog Im guessing you’re probably in the same boat as me and you don’t have any of that.

So before we go any further we need to let that sink in:

Very Little In Life Has Meaning, And Very Few People Will Ever Care About You. 

 

Especially in our modern age of excess we live in.  Capitalism has ruined our brains turning us into consumers rather than humans.  According to our society, togetherness no longer means anything.  Now happiness is found in that shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch that will make you look sexy.  That BMW that will make you look wealthy, That new I-Phone that will make you trend and up-to-date.

Getting likes on Facebook and Instagram makes people feel better than striking up a chat with someone on the train who made them laugh.

Its all about popularity, sex, drugs, alcohol, and party. 

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But what does that mean to us?  Obviously if you’re reading this blog you’re not that type of person, otherwise you wouldn’t be searching for more.  Well, I have some shit news for you all.  I think it means we will all mostly be alone or mostly alone forever.   Our goal is to find those few other people who are like us.  Who still want to connect.  Who still want to learn.  Who still want to live.

And Bitches, this shit won’t be easy. 

We are the salmon swimming upstream.  And I wish I had an answer for you guys out there.  I wish I knew where others like us were.  Im reminded of that song ‘One Day Ill Fly Away’.  I wish there was just some place where i could fly away to and find all those people I’ve been looking for.  All the pain, the loneliness, the dread, the misery…..it was all just gone.  I finally felt like a normal person.  I had friends.  Friends I trusted, friends I didn’t think would leave me at the drop of a hat…

Sadly, that place doesn’t exist

So where do we go then?   Well I think we need to be true to ourselves.  Thats probably step one.  Don’t mold yourself to fit in with others.   Take some time remember who you are.  What you believe in.  What you want from life.  What makes you happy.

 

Then I would suggest trying anything and everything.  Thats what Im about to do.

Tinder, Meetup.com, OkCupid, Knocking on neighbors doors, Fuck talk to strangers why not?  Whats the worst that can happen?  You lose all your friends??? HAHAHAHAHA….. oh, we already don’t have any…..

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oh…. just some twisted depression humor.

 

So anyways, yeah I guess thats it?    We gotta pick ourselves up and start from there?  What do you guys think?

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

I need Help, Im Depressed

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So over the weekend I hit a really low spot.   Even though Ive made so much progress in the past 2 years, I still somehow allow my shortcomings to destroy me.  This weekend was one of them.  I spiraled down hard and fast.  I was curled up lying on the floor wanting to punch holes in walls and kill the human race with an atomic bomb.

 

Im now sitting here sick.  I always always always get sick after I get really down like that.  I literally depress my body into illness.

 

So now I’m sitting and thinking of ALL THE THINGS i could have done that day instead.  Now I knowhow you feel when you’re down in a depressive hole.  You don’t want to do anything.  You don’t have the energy.  You just can’t stand to even move.

 

But sadly we have to.   its the only way to break the cycle .

 

So there is one thing that we all must do….. and its the worst fucking thing in the world…. we must seek people.

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Oh yes…. those annoying little things who will never understand how you and I feel are sadly the key to our happiness.

 

 

Yes…. its true…. its painful, its annoying and its true.

 

Do you remember Elsa in Frozen?

She built herself a beautiful castle in a secluded space to feel safe, to not deal with others, to keep others safe from her…..

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She was just alone, in a prison of ice in the middle of the mountains.

Now I don’t know about you guys but I know most days that sounds like a fucking blessing…. but lets look at that from a 3rd party perspective ok?

All of us with mental health issues are prisoners to our own minds.  Able to feel completely alone even in a giant crowd of people.  We are Elsa, living in our Ice Palace in the mountains.

 

So….. we must escape our prisons and interact with others.   Now look, I really don’t give a flying fuck about others at this point.  Most of them are shallow slobby assholes and THIS CAN WORK TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

DONT FEEL BAD OR EMBARRASSED TO OPEN UP TO PEOPLE!!!!!

I don’t care if you have nobody in your life. Walk into a diner, sit at the counter, look at the man next to you and JUST GO FUCKING CRAZY!!  Tell him every single insecurity you have!  Every reason why you’re so miserable!  

 

Exposing yourself to a stranger should make you feel like this:

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And you know… it might make the stronger feel like this:

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Tell them they’re doing a social service by listening to you. The end

 

But in all honesty,  humans are social creatures.  We need nurturing and love from others.  We need to grow and embrace others.  We just…well…. We just need others.

Have any of you ever seen Into The Wild?  Alexander Supertramp’s last journal entry says

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Just remember this is your one shot at life.  You probably won’t get a second one.   Who cares if it gets messy, dirty, embarrassing, and rough.  Try to make life better.  I know its an ongoing battle for me, but I really hope others out there keep up the fight 🙂

~ The Dark Horse

(Im sick….which gives me the expressed privilege to not proof read this post)

Staying Happy When You’re Feeling Down

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Now look….obviously, I try to keep my blog high-brow (cough cough)…. ok, I do swear a lot, and Im pretty sure Ive talked about quite a few racy topics, but anyways in general my blog is more than just stupid pictures that make people laugh….

having said that, there is no shame in doing WHATEVER you have to do to make yourself happy when you start feeling depressed or stressed or sad.

So, lets blatantly, shamelessly, and whole-heartedly allow ourselves to be happy right now , sound good?  Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.  Deal?  Sweet!

For starers, a good animal picture ALWAYS makes you happy.  I don’t care what you say, or how many allergies you have to whatever animal you have allergies to.  Animals are fucking hilarious.

 

Homeowners drove home to find their dog stuck in a shrub…..with clearly no place to go.

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This is clearly how the creators of Lost wrote the script:

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Still not feeling better?  Well perhaps this will help.   One of my favorite ironies of this world is that once you hit a certain level of wealth dressing to be cool and popular doesn’t even matter to you anymore.   And you suddenly start becoming interested with fashion that ranges from weird to ugly to ugly-weird….and it all costs over 10,000 dollars:

Why????

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I want to ask “why???” again but instead I find myself asking, “…..what?”

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Perhaps this is was inspired by the movie TRON meets  Bob The Builder? (All the rage in Paris I’m sure)

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Oh ok I see, you’re one of those sappy people who wants a video filled with heart warming tales to brighten your day?   Well I’ve got one of those too!  BAM BABY!

 

 

Well perhaps a diva llama will brighten your day?

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How about a sassy soon-to-be-fashionista?

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How about this lovely executive who is about to give you a raise…..quid pro quo

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Ok, then this doggy driver has to make you at least giggle!

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Alright well I hope I made at least some of you smile!   I know I had a good time writing this post so at least thats one person who is feeling better today!

Remember you’re strong, you can make it through the day!

~ The Dark Horse

Alone On Valentine’s Day (Its OK To Be Bitter)

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Ah Yes, its that time of year.  That one day a year when EVERYONE who has a date just loves to tell everyone that they have a date.  The day where marriages that have lasted 50 years are rekindled once more, and when waiting girlfriends become excited fiancés.

Its also the day where lonely people like me sit in front of a TV watching chick flicks eating cookies and pie.  Watching those lucky assholes have the time of their lives.

Bunch of fuckin cunts.

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Ah yes my little lonely lads and lasses.   Its just another holiday in our year that reminds us  we are alone.

But perhaps this is the perfect day for venting, not sobbing?

Perhaps were are viewing Valentine’s day all wrong?

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For you see, Valentine’s Day is also the one day of the year where those who do have love are kind of obligated to sit there and listen to us single people bitch.

….get where I’m going with this?

The new goal for Valentine’s Day is to ruin it for the happy people of the world!  Yes…. yes yes yes!!!!!!!   Put your bitter face on bitches cuz its time to ruin some poor innocent happy person’s day!

hate4Put on your Hulk face its time to go ape shit!

See those happy people over there?  Having a nice little picnic in the park?

 HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NICE LITTLE PICNIC IN THE PARK????? NO!!!! OF COURSE NOT! 

Now run over there and ruin it for them!    Go on!  Pour their wine all over yourself as you stomp on their cute little sandwiches he made to impress her!   Awwwwww….. he even wrapped up the silverware in a cloth napkin just like a restaurant! …….GRAB IT!   YES YOU HEARD ME!   ITS YOURS NOW! You never know when you’ll need a spare fork and knife!

 

 

Oh, would you look at this beautiful restaurant?   He must have paid a fortune to take her here.   He must really want to show her how special she is…… assholes.

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OOOOOHHHHHHH She’s soooooooo impressed.    He’s probably gonna get lucky tonight huh…..  Oh wait but look, you’ve decided to serve them the main course yourself… GO ON!  WALK OVER THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT THEY WILL BE EATING TONIGHT!

 

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MWUAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!    Now at the top of your lungs scream PIGFUCKERS!!!!!!!  and then run out of the restaurant in the most delightful and disturbing way possible!

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But in all honesty, we shouldn’t ruin a good Valentine’s day for someone else.  But sometimes its nice to imagine it.  Get some of that bad energy out using our imagination.

One thing I do want to let all of you know is that you’re not alone…..  Well i mean you are…. but I’m alone too…. so you’re not alone in the fact that you’re alone?  get it?

If anyone out there is having an absolute awful day call these numbers:

for the USA call the Crisis hotline: 1-800-233-4357

For Australia call lifeline: 13-11-14

For New Zealand Lifeline: 0800 543 354

For all other counties find your crisis line here:

International Crisis Hotline Listings

Please Note:  None of these lines are for suicide only!   Anytime you’re having a really bad day or suffering an episode of ANY KIND:  depression, anxiety, mania, panic attack  ANYTHING!!! They are there to help!  Trust me, in my lifetime I have called all these numbers and you should never be afraid to!

~ The Dark Horse

…..this post wasn’t proof read,  why? ….because its Valentine’s day bitches.

Why Can’t I Find Peace and Happiness?

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So, I’ve been down the past few days.  Its summer here in the Southern Hemisphere, and its got me thinking of summers back home in Ohio.

More specifically, Summers when I was in high school and college.

Everything used to be so easy.   (well, actually everything was quite hard, I got made fun of in school all the time, nobody ever believed in me, and I couldn’t really talk about anything to my family).

But I had hope.  I had hope for a better life.  I thought one day I was going to make friends, find love, go on adventures, and have an impact on the world.

 

I remember those summer nights sitting outside looking out at Lake Erie. Looking at the vast blackness with the twinkling lights of the freighters in the distance.  Just thinking about how great life was going to be once I finally made it out of Ohio.  Once I got just a little older….  Just a little better….. Just a little more attractive….  Maybe people would like me and Id start having a fun exciting life like everyone else.

 

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On the edge of the river that leads into Lake Erie we have a big oil refinery.  I remember sitting out at the lake looking at it from a distance, imagining that those lights from refinery was the skyline of big city.  A city full of excitement, full of adventure, and filled with people who would become my friends.   Id listen to the soft waves break into the rocks I was sitting on.  The hot summer night air.  The flash of a lightning bug.   The smell of living foliage in the air that makes summer smell so good.    Everything was supposed to get so much better.

 

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Im still looking for my piece of the world.  Im still looking for those good people who will become my friend.  Im still looking

10 years have gone by since I was that 16 year old sitting out looking at that lake.  Ive been to so many places and have seen so many things.  But it seems I’m still that 16 year old.  Still looking for my place in the world.  Still hoping there is reason to keep going .

Im actually in tears right now writing this.   Thinking of how much hope I used to have.  How many dreams I used to have.   I used to think the world was such a good place.  That it was filled with good people.  I used to think my life was going to go so much better than it did

I never thought I was going to have a sex addiction.  I never thought I was going to have anxiety attacks.  I never thought that I was going experience fear.   When you’re young you just don’t know how bad the world can be.  You don’t know how low you can go.   You’re so innocent.  You’re so brave because you don’t know everything can fall apart in an instant.

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Im on the other side of the planet.  Completely alone.   Im trying so hard to stay brave.  Im trying so hard to be the person I always wanted to be.  A person that 16 year old me would have thought I could be.

I don’t know if any of you out there know what its like to go your entire life without a good friend.  Without someone to talk to.   Or what its like to have never been in love, or even out on a date.

I just wish I had someone I could trust enough to just break down in front of.  Someone who will pick me up when i collapse.   Fuck, id be fine with even someone who actually believes me that I’m in so much pain.   Im so tired of being called a drama queen.  Being told that I need to get over it.

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To anyone out there with good friends, love them.  Don’t ever take them for granted.  Send them a text right now or even call them.  Tell them how tankful you are that they are there for you and that you’re not alone.    If you have a family near you who loves you, go have dinner with them tonight.   Spend as much time with them as you can.   You never know when you’ll never see them again.

As for me, well I still have hope.   I still hope my life will get better and I hope I make friends and find love and have adventures.   I hope this blog takes off and I can write books and tell people about the things I’ve learned in life.   I hope I can be a good influence on the world.  I hope everything just gets better.

 

~ The Dark Horse.

This wasn’t proofread at all.  I was crying for most of this post so I’m not sure how well any of this was written.