So hopefully there are some gays out there, and potentially some eternally-single straight people who will get this. Im 26, and have never been in love or even been on a date.
That fucking sucks right?
Im left wondering a lot if I will ever find love or happiness. If I will click with people. If I will ever feel comfortable and loved, but there seems to be a massive problem in the gay community:
They all suck. So, in my experience there a few gay archetypes…none of which are good. lets explore them a little.
First, you have your Queens.
Now, in small doses the queen types are great. They’re sarcastic, they’re funny, they’re like a walking soap opera. However, walking soap operas are nothing you want long term in your life; In Dating or friendship. They’re just bad news filled with shallowness, pettiness, and desperation. Unfortunately a lot of them are stuck in that character. Here’s an example, you know the comedian Amy Schumer? She is really funny on a Roast because its like a 10 minute go. But Then you see her in Trainwreck, and watch her interviews on talk shows and you’re like….this girl isn’t capable of conversation. All she knows how to do is one-liners, sassy commentary, and awkward expressions. She’s so lost in her character that I don’t think you could hold a real conversation with her. Queen types are like that.
Next we have our Gay Bro’s
Truly, the most annoying of all the gays. These are the gays who look and act like straight guys and HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD ALL THE TIME…and they are unfortunately, usually extremely attractive.
They just love to stand on their soapbox and use terms like “Straight acting” and “non fem”. They also love to let everyone know all the time that, even though they’re gay they’re just one of the boys.
For example, if you’re asking someone to hang out, the conversation would be like:
You: Hey want to hangout today?
Them: Sure, what would you like to do?
However, while asking a gay bro this is how it normally goes:
You: Hey want to hangout today?
Gay Bro: naw man, I’m not really into gay bars. Im gay, but I’m still a guy”
You: …I never said anything about a gay bar…. In fact I don’t really like going to them
Gay Bro: Oh sorry you know how gays are.
You: …Ok, so what do you do for fun
Gay Bro: Oh you know, love the outdoors, camping with my buds, all my friends are straight….
You: I have no idea why you feel the need to verbally explain to me how detached from the gay community you are…I truly don’t care.
So listen up gay bro’s. Go fuck yourself. Get over yourself, and go home. You’re need to tell everyone what a guy you are shows you have massive insecurity issues and thats extremely unattractive.
moving on to…
The Classic Closeted Douche
Ah yes, here is someone to really invest time and energy into. So there a few likely causes of one of these funny little critters:
1.) Poor trailer-trash or ghetto. In general, the lower you sit on the economic scale, the more homophobic you are. There are many theories as to why this is: Lack of education, increased dependency on religion, increased dependency on old-world masculinity norms, greater fear of the unknown, and so on and so forth. So, obviously those growing up in these situations will most likely be in the closet. However, in general you’ll never deal with these people because they’re the types who only express their homosexuality by posting on Craigslist or going to gay saunas.
2.) A type you will likely interact with at some point is your classic spoiled rich Republican trust fund baby. Ah yes. Mumsies and Pops are probably living in an affluent suburb and are just dying for their son to become a lawyer or have a political career. Most likely to find this one on grindr with a profile looking like:
3.) Then comes the religious closet cases. Ive lived in Australia and currently live in New Zealand. There aren’t many here. But where back in States where I’m from they’re all over. Mom and Dad are devout to their Christian heritage and are just dying to make it into heaven! ….But how can they go to heaven when they’ve produced a devil-spawn gay baby???? Naturally this gay will be in the closet well into his 30’s when he finally breaks away from the grasp of his over-controlling family. Arab and Indian gays will be very similar as their cultures are very strict and old-world.
For closeted guys, I can’t judge. They are obviously going through a very hard and scary life. However for us who aren’t in the closet they’re not wise investments because they’re just gonna be too ashamed or afraid to be seen with you. You’ll just be a fuck they have one night before they run back into the closet desperate to hide in the shadows.
Finally, We have our Sluts
So congrats. you’ve made it through the closeted guys, the queens, and the self-obsessed gay bros. But unfortunately there is one HUGE hurdle left. The fact that most gay men don’t want anything besides sex. You’ll meet up, have one amazing night, and then they will never talk to you again.
Am I the only one who sees people in their 30’s and 40’s on Grindr and just go….. fuck I hope that isn’t me at that age.
Where is the class? The dignity? The romance? Where is there anything besides sex?
There is a really popular gay show called Queer as Folk, and I remember the very opening of the first episode the main character is doing an opening voice-over and says something like, “Im gonna be real here… this is all about sex…because lets admit it, thats all its ever about. Its just about sex”.
and i was like…I hate this show already.
So there you have it. Why is the gay community a mess? Does anyone have any insights? Comments? Questions? Anything? because I don’t feel like I’m part of the gay world. It seems so different from me and from what I want in life.
Why am I like this:
But everyone else is like this:
~ The Dark Horse