Why Can’t I Find Peace and Happiness?

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So, I’ve been down the past few days.  Its summer here in the Southern Hemisphere, and its got me thinking of summers back home in Ohio.

More specifically, Summers when I was in high school and college.

Everything used to be so easy.   (well, actually everything was quite hard, I got made fun of in school all the time, nobody ever believed in me, and I couldn’t really talk about anything to my family).

But I had hope.  I had hope for a better life.  I thought one day I was going to make friends, find love, go on adventures, and have an impact on the world.

 

I remember those summer nights sitting outside looking out at Lake Erie. Looking at the vast blackness with the twinkling lights of the freighters in the distance.  Just thinking about how great life was going to be once I finally made it out of Ohio.  Once I got just a little older….  Just a little better….. Just a little more attractive….  Maybe people would like me and Id start having a fun exciting life like everyone else.

 

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On the edge of the river that leads into Lake Erie we have a big oil refinery.  I remember sitting out at the lake looking at it from a distance, imagining that those lights from refinery was the skyline of big city.  A city full of excitement, full of adventure, and filled with people who would become my friends.   Id listen to the soft waves break into the rocks I was sitting on.  The hot summer night air.  The flash of a lightning bug.   The smell of living foliage in the air that makes summer smell so good.    Everything was supposed to get so much better.

 

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Im still looking for my piece of the world.  Im still looking for those good people who will become my friend.  Im still looking

10 years have gone by since I was that 16 year old sitting out looking at that lake.  Ive been to so many places and have seen so many things.  But it seems I’m still that 16 year old.  Still looking for my place in the world.  Still hoping there is reason to keep going .

Im actually in tears right now writing this.   Thinking of how much hope I used to have.  How many dreams I used to have.   I used to think the world was such a good place.  That it was filled with good people.  I used to think my life was going to go so much better than it did

I never thought I was going to have a sex addiction.  I never thought I was going to have anxiety attacks.  I never thought that I was going experience fear.   When you’re young you just don’t know how bad the world can be.  You don’t know how low you can go.   You’re so innocent.  You’re so brave because you don’t know everything can fall apart in an instant.

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Im on the other side of the planet.  Completely alone.   Im trying so hard to stay brave.  Im trying so hard to be the person I always wanted to be.  A person that 16 year old me would have thought I could be.

I don’t know if any of you out there know what its like to go your entire life without a good friend.  Without someone to talk to.   Or what its like to have never been in love, or even out on a date.

I just wish I had someone I could trust enough to just break down in front of.  Someone who will pick me up when i collapse.   Fuck, id be fine with even someone who actually believes me that I’m in so much pain.   Im so tired of being called a drama queen.  Being told that I need to get over it.

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To anyone out there with good friends, love them.  Don’t ever take them for granted.  Send them a text right now or even call them.  Tell them how tankful you are that they are there for you and that you’re not alone.    If you have a family near you who loves you, go have dinner with them tonight.   Spend as much time with them as you can.   You never know when you’ll never see them again.

As for me, well I still have hope.   I still hope my life will get better and I hope I make friends and find love and have adventures.   I hope this blog takes off and I can write books and tell people about the things I’ve learned in life.   I hope I can be a good influence on the world.  I hope everything just gets better.

 

~ The Dark Horse.

This wasn’t proofread at all.  I was crying for most of this post so I’m not sure how well any of this was written.

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One thought on “Why Can’t I Find Peace and Happiness?

  1. Hopes and dreams rarely leave us. They seem or appear to, on the surface, when we allow other thoughts and emotions to blanket them. Just as the Glinda in Oz said, “You’ve always had the power…” It’s simply a choice and mind-set shift. Seriously.

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