Monthly Archives: March 2016

My Life Just Had Another Movie Moment (WTF Is Happening Guys?)

risky

So recently I started writing blog posts about living life, not just being alive.  As someone with depression and anxiety I will tell everyone, my life has been hard, and that is mainly because (as any of you will know if you also have depression and anxiety) our social lives are pretty much the most fucked up things ever….or are non existent (which is the category I usually fall under).

So I’ve been talking about not giving a fuck and just going for it.   Living even though we usually don’t have a desire to live.

Now this is obviously hard as fuck, I won’t lie to any of you out there.  But isn’t it worth it if it means we can have lives?

We have nothing left to do but just get outside our prisons and live!

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I recently met a backpacker here.  A cute straight guy from England who is here to travel and experience new things.

 

Over the past few days we’ve become pretty good friends and he’s been staying at my place.  Yesterday however was his last day here in Auckland before he starts traveling around the country.   Now, we’ve made plans to travel together and keep in contact…. but as any of you out there who knows what its like to be a social outcast… people’s words don’t mean much until they follow through.  We know better.  We know that 99.9% of the time we will never hear from them again and that we will go back to being alone as they go have their lives.

So I was pretty down all yesterday.   As the evening came we got into a big talk about life and what it means to be alone and miserable and what is “hope” and why have it and all the crazy shit that most people need to be drunk to talk about, but that I talk about quite regularly and nonchalantly.

So he says, “look, you have a bathtub and in my year of travel I haven’t had a bath and Im gonna take a bath, if you wanna talk we can leave leave the door open and we can keep chatting from the hallway”.    However, in my pissy mood I was obviously like, “no. I’m fine.  enjoy the bath”.

So he’s in the bathroom taking a bath and I’m just wandering around my apartment with thoughts filling my mind.

why don’t you ever just have fun?

Why are you being angry on your last night with a new friend?

Why does everything have to be a challenge?

why why why why why?

Then I just kinda snapped and decided I was going to act like a 26 year old for once.

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So I open the bathroom door.

He looks at me, completely naked in the tub and is like, “So you’re ready to talk then?”

I walk into the bathroom and close the door.

I start to take my clothes off.

He looks at me and is like, “ugh….. are you getting in the tub or something?”

all i say is, “move over”

As he tries to say, “dude this is kinda gay”, its too late.  I’m now naked in the tub with him.

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So there we were facing each other, legs intertwined, balls and dicks completely visible in the clear warm water.

He just looks at me and is like, “Where did that come from?”

I respond simply with, “I wanted to take a bath with my friend, so I am”.

He kinda looks at me, almost impressed, and asks, “Isn’t this kind of weird?”

I was just like, “I don’t think so, I think its relaxing.  If you think its weird well I don’t fucking care, get out of my tub”.

He just sits there looking at me with that kinda crooked half-smile straight guys have. He kinda laughs. Then he nods his head in approval and says, “You should say fuck it more often man”.

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We just sat there for a little bit relaxing when he breaks the silence by saying, “your feet are touching my ass”.

once again I only respond with, “Yeah I know, but I don’t care, I’m comfortable”.

Then we just kinda sat there and started talking.  But not about all the negative shit like before.  it was just “stuff” I guess.  Favorite movies, where we wanted to go hiking, how good it felt to take a bath in so long (because I had actually never used my tub,i just shower, so it would have been a good 5 years since my last bath).

The rest of the night was super smooth.   We ate dinner, watched a movie and fell asleep in our underwear.  We woke up with morning wood.

We gave each other shit for having morning wood.  He called me gay, I told him not too worry, I could do better than him, we laughed.    It was just easy and nice.

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All in all it was really non-sexual if that makes.  I never tried to make a move on him.  I didn’t ever have a desire to.  Like it was cool to get naked in a tub with him but not in a “OMG Im gonna fuck his ass tonight” kind of way.  It was more just like a, “Now I’ve seen him naked and he’s seen me naked… so there isn’t really anything to hide anymore” kind of way.  It felt like a bonding thing.

Same with the sleeping thing.  It was cool to be like, if we touch when we sleep it doesn’t matter.  I can feel comfortable with him.  I can wake up with a raging boner next to him and he isn’t gonna try to suck it or run away in fear of me trying to fuck him.   Its just like, were both guys.  Obviously were going to wake up with morning wood.  It just happens.

Yet there is an odd excitement to it.  Like you’re learning about someone.  You’re sharing experiences with someone.  You’re engaging in things that are normally private.  You have embarrassing things to know about them now, just as they do for you.

Dude being human is so weird isn’t it?

 

But going through that is like feeling closer to someone.  Doing things that to anyone else would see as homoerotic or weird, but since you both are comfortable with each other it isn’t weird to you.   And the fact that you go through those experiences together kind of bonds you in a way. You wonder if you’ll be judged, or if they will think its weird, or whatever, but then you learn they don’t…and you don’t.   And then you just feel comfortable to be yourself in other ways because you weren’t judged in even the most private senses, so why would they judge you in other ways?

Alright people, lush up a lather get take a bath with someone tonight!  See how it goes!

~ The Dark Horse

(This was a solid 35% proofread!)

 

My Life Just Had A Movie Moment

Rapunzel-Flynn-Rider

So, my life has kind of been turned upside lately.  Ive decided Im going to make friends and meet people…. even if they don’t want to.   Ive been basically putting myself into situations and telling people when and where were meeting….. why you ask?  Well because I’m fucking depressed and lonely and don’t give a fuck about others anymore.  Im no longer caring if they want to hang.  Im just making it happen.

But you know whats happening?   ….People are actually hanging out with me.   Fuckin weird right?

OK LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.  BECAUSE…. OH MY GOD I HAD A MOVIE MOMENT AND IT WAS AMAZING

 

So 3 days ago we had a guy come into our store looking for a prepay phone plan because he just arrived in New Zealand.  He talked to one of my coworkers for a good 45 minutes to an hour before he left.  At the end of the day he needed to unlock his phone and then come back to buy the sim.

S0 yesterday the guy comes back because he got his phone unlocked…. I think I should describe him now?  I think thats a smart move yah?  So he’s 25, from England, really cute, British accent, in shape, good body, and he’s straight.

Now the store I work at is extremely slow and boring so normally my day is like this…

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So he sits down and starts talking to my coworker forever again because he clearly is lonely and in a foreign country and doesn’t know anyone.  And since were slow we have nothing better to do than to talk to him.

So i sat there and was like… Wait.. I’m lonely and in a foreign country and don’t know anyone… and so is this really cute straight boy…… so fuck it, I’m gonna force myself into the conversation and make a friend.

So were talking and I swear we talk for like 2 hours.   We were literally talking until it was time for us to close the shop.  So we sent him home and started doing the monotonous closing duties and my life went back to being boring as fuck and I kinda felt crushed that I wasn’t going to be making friends with a cute straight boy.

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But then something awesome happened.  As I was walking to the bus stop from work I see him sitting on a bench eating some sushi.  Naturally I was like…. well I’m forcing people to hang out now…so… lets go make hime hang out!

I sit down next to him and and strike up a chat.  We then walk into the city together which is a good 30 minute walk.   Once we were in the city we decided to get a coffee and keep chatting, then I said lets make dinner at my place, so we buy groceries and walk another 30 minutes to my place and keep chatting.

We cook, we eat, I shower, he showers, then we put on a movie.  So he’s  laying on the couch with his feet sprawled out diagonally, and then there’s me laying on the other end of the couch with my feet up on the backrest of the couch (already one of the closest human interactions I’ve ever had with a heterosexual male)

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So we watch the movie and then before we know it, its 2am.    He has no car so I can’t send him home.  So I’m like, “oh hey I know its late…but you’re more than welcome to stay here”…. and I swear to you, without even blinking he’s like, “Ah yeah man sure, thats your room right?” And he walks into my room, gets in my bed and takes his shirt off so he is in nothing but gym shorts.  

I am now instantly kind of getting a boner and in my head I’m like HOLY FUCK THERE IS A SHIRTLESS STRAIGHT GUY IN MY BED!

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Yes people…. thats literally what I walked into after brushing my teeth.   So I take my shirt off so I’m also in nothing but sweat shorts.

I get into bed next to him and we chat for about 15 minutes and then he falls asleep…. (typical fucking straight guys being able to fall asleep within minutes of laying down…. dumb assholes)

But then he repositions himself and his leg moves into mine and his shoulder touches mine.   I can feel his warmth.

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I am now rocking the biggest boner known to man

 

So I sit there for probably a good hour like a little school girl just freaking out inside that a boy is touching me….. even if it is in a very PG way…ITS STILL SOMETHING PEOPLE!

I decide to just go to bed and enjoy not being alone for the night.

I wake up and my leg is literally on top of his leg and his face is on my shoulder.  I decide to not wake him…..I was quite content sitting there for another hour just knowing a cute boy was laying on my shoulder.

 

So today hung out even more and he asked me to take a week off from work so we can take a road trip.

yes

a road trip

Do you know this will be the first road trip I have ever taken in my life?

Thats right.  Me, a straight boy, a car, and a tent…… OH MY GOD.  Its the most insanely homoerotic wet dream I could possibly ever imagine!

But you know what, even more important than that…. it feels really good to have someone thinking about you.  For someone to want to travel with you.  To want to share an experience with you.

 

….maybe life isn’t so shit guys

~The Dark Horse

(no this was not proof read!  Im too busy being a childish little schoolgirl ok! leave me alone! )

Having Good People In Your Life Make All The Difference

good

So this is almost like a Part 3 to my 2 previous posts which have been about rebuilding your life when everything is just shit.   I was talking about trying to stay happy and find friends and love when you literally have nothing…..and um….something has happened.  Ive actually made a friend.  (If you want to read the 2 previous posts you can on these links)

Here is Part 1

and here is Part 2

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So a brief rundown for those of you who haven’t been reading, I was saying I have a problem:

THE PROBLEM: I have no friends, have never really had friends, have never been on a date in my life and am socially retarded.

I then thought of a solution

THE SOLUTION:  Was to force myself into friendships.   I decided to talk to everyone, and to not ask them if we were going to hang out…but to basically tell them we were.

Now I’m aware this is weird, and awkward, and scary, and seems desperate…. but if any of you are like me and have severe depression and anxiety that has ruined your lives…. lets all be honest…. we are quite desperate and weird people.   So, it seems to fit our personality.

AND WOULDN’T YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???  I FIND MYSELF A FRIEND!

 

Oh yeah….. were like total bros.  Its crazy!

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Actually… it soon isn’t like that.   Its more like he is this really cool attractive popular guy and then theres me… somehow is friend.

So it looks more like this:

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But here is the point…. Ive made a friend…and like…a good friend.   Like he calls me to see “whats up”.   I didn’t even know people did that anymore  how cool is that?

we send each other memes and youtube videos when were at work

 

Its fucking weird people, but its nice.  Its cool to know someone is thinking about you.  To know you have someone to talk to.  Somehow who makes you smile and who you can make smile.    And the weirdest part is thinking that there are people who have always had this!

Isn’t that crazy to think about?  Most people have friends from like 5 years old.   They’ve never known what its like to be alone.   And for me its like this new magical experience.. how crazy is that?

 

So whats the point here?

Well the point is this:  Im probably the most socially awkward human on this planet.  I literally have never had good friends in my entire life.   I don’t really have common interests with anyone, and yet I’ve just found a friend

So it is possible!  YOU CAN DO IT!  I promise you, you can.   Loneliness doesn’t have to be around forever.    We just have to out in some effort!

Alright peeps, make it happen!

~ The Dark Horse

(If you asked the magic 8 ball if this post was proofread it would say.. “not likely”)