So recently I started writing blog posts about living life, not just being alive. As someone with depression and anxiety I will tell everyone, my life has been hard, and that is mainly because (as any of you will know if you also have depression and anxiety) our social lives are pretty much the most fucked up things ever….or are non existent (which is the category I usually fall under).
So I’ve been talking about not giving a fuck and just going for it. Living even though we usually don’t have a desire to live.
Now this is obviously hard as fuck, I won’t lie to any of you out there. But isn’t it worth it if it means we can have lives?
We have nothing left to do but just get outside our prisons and live!
I recently met a backpacker here. A cute straight guy from England who is here to travel and experience new things.
Over the past few days we’ve become pretty good friends and he’s been staying at my place. Yesterday however was his last day here in Auckland before he starts traveling around the country. Now, we’ve made plans to travel together and keep in contact…. but as any of you out there who knows what its like to be a social outcast… people’s words don’t mean much until they follow through. We know better. We know that 99.9% of the time we will never hear from them again and that we will go back to being alone as they go have their lives.
So I was pretty down all yesterday. As the evening came we got into a big talk about life and what it means to be alone and miserable and what is “hope” and why have it and all the crazy shit that most people need to be drunk to talk about, but that I talk about quite regularly and nonchalantly.
So he says, “look, you have a bathtub and in my year of travel I haven’t had a bath and Im gonna take a bath, if you wanna talk we can leave leave the door open and we can keep chatting from the hallway”. However, in my pissy mood I was obviously like, “no. I’m fine. enjoy the bath”.
So he’s in the bathroom taking a bath and I’m just wandering around my apartment with thoughts filling my mind.
why don’t you ever just have fun?
Why are you being angry on your last night with a new friend?
Why does everything have to be a challenge?
why why why why why?
Then I just kinda snapped and decided I was going to act like a 26 year old for once.
So I open the bathroom door.
He looks at me, completely naked in the tub and is like, “So you’re ready to talk then?”
I walk into the bathroom and close the door.
I start to take my clothes off.
He looks at me and is like, “ugh….. are you getting in the tub or something?”
all i say is, “move over”
As he tries to say, “dude this is kinda gay”, its too late. I’m now naked in the tub with him.
So there we were facing each other, legs intertwined, balls and dicks completely visible in the clear warm water.
He just looks at me and is like, “Where did that come from?”
I respond simply with, “I wanted to take a bath with my friend, so I am”.
He kinda looks at me, almost impressed, and asks, “Isn’t this kind of weird?”
I was just like, “I don’t think so, I think its relaxing. If you think its weird well I don’t fucking care, get out of my tub”.
He just sits there looking at me with that kinda crooked half-smile straight guys have. He kinda laughs. Then he nods his head in approval and says, “You should say fuck it more often man”.
We just sat there for a little bit relaxing when he breaks the silence by saying, “your feet are touching my ass”.
once again I only respond with, “Yeah I know, but I don’t care, I’m comfortable”.
Then we just kinda sat there and started talking. But not about all the negative shit like before. it was just “stuff” I guess. Favorite movies, where we wanted to go hiking, how good it felt to take a bath in so long (because I had actually never used my tub,i just shower, so it would have been a good 5 years since my last bath).
The rest of the night was super smooth. We ate dinner, watched a movie and fell asleep in our underwear. We woke up with morning wood.
We gave each other shit for having morning wood. He called me gay, I told him not too worry, I could do better than him, we laughed. It was just easy and nice.
All in all it was really non-sexual if that makes. I never tried to make a move on him. I didn’t ever have a desire to. Like it was cool to get naked in a tub with him but not in a “OMG Im gonna fuck his ass tonight” kind of way. It was more just like a, “Now I’ve seen him naked and he’s seen me naked… so there isn’t really anything to hide anymore” kind of way. It felt like a bonding thing.
Same with the sleeping thing. It was cool to be like, if we touch when we sleep it doesn’t matter. I can feel comfortable with him. I can wake up with a raging boner next to him and he isn’t gonna try to suck it or run away in fear of me trying to fuck him. Its just like, were both guys. Obviously were going to wake up with morning wood. It just happens.
Yet there is an odd excitement to it. Like you’re learning about someone. You’re sharing experiences with someone. You’re engaging in things that are normally private. You have embarrassing things to know about them now, just as they do for you.
Dude being human is so weird isn’t it?
But going through that is like feeling closer to someone. Doing things that to anyone else would see as homoerotic or weird, but since you both are comfortable with each other it isn’t weird to you. And the fact that you go through those experiences together kind of bonds you in a way. You wonder if you’ll be judged, or if they will think its weird, or whatever, but then you learn they don’t…and you don’t. And then you just feel comfortable to be yourself in other ways because you weren’t judged in even the most private senses, so why would they judge you in other ways?
Alright people, lush up a lather get take a bath with someone tonight! See how it goes!
~ The Dark Horse
(This was a solid 35% proofread!)