Monthly Archives: June 2016

Amy Winehouse And Mental Illness



So last night my flatmates started watching “Amy”, the Amy Winehouse movie.   They invited me to watch it with them and a slew of thoughts and emotions flew through my head, including:

1.)  This movie will depress the fuck out of me because it going to hit way too close to home…

which led to the thought:

2.) Because I don’t want it thrown in my face that people’s mental illness can kill them because I already deal with that thought everyday….

which led to the thought: 

3.) Besides all you people loved Amy Winehouse when she was alive and refused to admit she needed help.  You all just kept saying stupid ass shit like “Her struggles made her a better artist”, and you saw her as a tragic hero rather than a tragic human who needed help.

which led to the thought:

4.) And now that she’s dead and she has a documentary, her life is a tragic and passionate story of a tormented soul who slipped through the cracks of society and is now loved by hipsters everywhere……Even though she was clearly in need of help the ENTIRE time she was famous

which led to the though:

5.) And why is that when a celebrity dies from mental illness they become a hero but when a normal person does they become a weak person who was either a drama queen or someone who just wasn’t strong enough for life?

which led to the though:

6.) And nobody cares about me or sees my pain…..

which led to the though:

7.) So I can see why people like Amy Winehouse let themselves go and give in to drugs, drinking, sex, or suicide.   Because nobody will ever care….

So I just said….”No that movie will be too depressing” and walked into my bedroom.


So I’ll be open about this right here and now:  I don’t want to be alone forever.  I don’t want to die a miserable death.  I don’t want to die alone.   I want my life to be full and surrounded by people who understand and support me, and Im not afraid or ashamed to say it and neither should you.

~ The Dark Horse








Suicide and “Its Just A Cry For Help” (But Can You Blame Them)



How many times have you heard someone say “people who cut themselves are just looking for attention”.   Or, “blah blah blah wasn’t gonna actually do it, it was just a cry for help”.


Then people proceed to see it like its something not worth dealing with.  Or that the suicidal person was just a drama queen looking for their oscar winning movie moment.


But perhaps we need to look at it from a new direction, and for anyone out there with depression or anxiety or any mental problems you know exactly what I’m talking about:



Any of you people out there who doesn’t have to go through this, you have no absolutely no idea how much pain we feel.



When people like us try to talk to normal people, what are we meat with?    The same few lines like some broken record:

1.)  Oh yeah I’ve hard some hard times too, you’ll get through

My dream response:  “hahaha…..I really hope the next time you’re on an airplane it crashes over the open ocean…. ”


2.) Yeah my friend has depression I totally get it…..

My dream response: “Well if thats all you say to your friend then I feel really bad for your friend”.


3.) Maybe you’re just focusing on the bad?  Have you tried meditating? 


My dream response:  (there would be no words, id just grab the nearest share object and go full blown psycho)




So to all you people out there who just think its all for attention, have you ever considered that maybe when those you know try talking to you and they get those response, maybe they learn to not share things with you anymore?

And maybe when they attempt suicide there are actually one of two reasons?

1.)  They literally can’t stand the idea of living any longer because of how painful it is? 

2.) And this is the one you really need to focus on,  maybe the cry for help was to finally make people around them understand how much the pain they feel really is?  

Ah yes, ever consider that?   Perhaps a lifetime of getting brushed to the side hurts people even more?

Maybe that suicide attempt was to finally make everyone around them make up.   Make them see the pain inside?

And when that happens, please do not respond with “it was just for attention”, or “oh they weren’t really going to go through with it”.  because what that makes you my dear, is a total cunt.


And to all of you out there who are feeling like you may try and take your life, or for anyone who is worried about someone who may, plead read on:



Press play and then keep reading!


There are some pretty dumb ways to die:


For example, this blog would advise to not invite Freddy Krueger for dinner 


Sadly, movies have lied to us all.  Bears are not like Baloo from the jungle Book. Therefore Poking bears is another idea that this blog would consider a dumb way to die.



Although the idea may sound like the ultimate adventure, this blog sadly informs you to never take off a spacesuit while in the vacuum of space because…well,  its the vacuum of space….


However, the dumbest way to die is by taking your own life.  Don’t do it.

If you are feeling unstable in any way, even if it isn’t suicidal, there are tons of resources out there!

Check out local helplines that are waiting to speak to you! Just google search “Depression help line”, “lifeline” or “Suicide hotline” and the search results with bring up numbers for your local area or country!

There is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse


Hope. Its What We Have To Have




So in the wake of Orlando I think its time to talk about hope.  As a gay guy from America I have to say this weekend killed me a little inside.    Not only was there a horrific attack against the LGBT community but now everyone and their fucking mother are trying to pretend like this had nothing to do with the gay community.

Dear straight religious people, at some point you’ll have to accept this was a product of the culture you’ve created and enforced.    Do you know what its called when there is a hate crime…. hate crime? hahaha…. this was actually a fucking massacre…. but anyways:

Do you know what its called when a hate crime is committed and everyone turns a blind eye?  Thats called OPPRESSION you cunts.

Was this man crazy?  Yes.  

And did he have access to guns because America is an insane shithole with flimsy laws?  Yes.

But would this attack have happened if this man was raised in a culture that didn’t teach him to hate gays?… Well now, there’s a question for you….



But enough about those cunts who are downplaying what just happened this post isn’t for them.  This post is about what to do now.



This is one of those instances that was about death.  We suffered and mourned the loss of 49 lives.  But after mourning comes an intense desire to live.

And thats exactly what I have.  I have a big fork in the road coming up in my life and dammit I want to make the most of it.


I want to live.  I want to really really live. I want to find love, adventure, friendship, joy, humor, and excitement! I want to make an impact on this world!  I want to finally stop being dragged through life and finally start actually living.  Because unfortunately, with the world we live in, you never know when you may be dancing at a club when all of the sudden you and everyone around are on the floor bleeding to death.  


Need some inspiration?   Ok well look at this:


This is Hawaii 


This is an actual castle in Germany


This is a real beach in Thailand 

Why are we looking at these?  Well because over the weekend we saw what horror, bloodshed, and hate looked like.   What we to remember is that there is still so much beauty in the world.   Life still holds meaning, joy, and love.   Adventure is still out there, its just waiting to be found.

Take all the pain and hurt from this weekend and lets mold it from mourning, into passion.    Remember to live life to the fullest.   To embrace every single moment because you never know when it may be your last.

Tonight before you go to bed, hug your mom.   Or your flatmate…  or fuck, hug your dog.   They love being hugged!   Just show someone you care.   Embrace and feel the love!


~ The Dark Horse

(I would have proofread this, but I was too busy looking at this picture of how amazing the world really is)

Travel and INFJ (Or, Just Fucking Do It…Its Good For You!)



Ah, yes the joys of travel.  Waiting in lines at airports, dining on the strange delicacy that is airline food, currency conversion, language barriers, new sights, unfamiliar cities…

The true joys of life, am I’m right guys????

What scares most people is our lifeblood.   Our calling.  Our passion.   Our true nature as an INFJ.

The point of this post?  Well its to say, if you’re INFJ and aren’t traveling DO IT NOW!  And if you are traveling, well I’m sure you’re reaping the benefits!


Why is it that were born travelers?

Well, for starters we’re born outcasts.    INFJ’s make up only one percent of the entire population!  With 7.125 billion people in this world, that means theres only 71 million of us!   So if you found every INFJ on the planet and put us all together we would only make up the equivalent to the population of France.



Bonjour all you INFJ’s out there! 

So we’re natural outcasts.   Which you may think sucks (which, it kind of does) but we’re such strong travelers because we’re not phased by being in a new space, by not knowing anyone, by being in different cultures, or by being surrounded by something different…. because well, thats just our life.    Even in our hometowns were surrounded by a different culture than our own all the time!


Furthermore, travel is that perfect combination of what INFJ’s are.    As INFJ’s we are the combination of the introvert and the extrovert.  Traveling gives us new challenges to think about, to analyze, to feel, to enjoy.

It is the sweetest mental candy your mind will ever taste!

And then we get the extrovert side of us excited as well.   Traveling is visually stunning, Its a cultural experience, You meet new people, you try new foods….and all of this happens in places you’ve never been before.

Your popular friends can fucking go on and on about how much fun they have as they suck down vodka and snort cocaine in the bathroom of some club, but those bitches will never know what a real high feels like.

We have that privilege.  

The high we feel during the take off of an airplane, or that first step outside of an airport and smelling the air of a new place.   The joy we get from learning the wold is a bigger and more beautiful place than one man could ever tame!

That is a real high.  That is a true high.   So next time, tell your the popular kids to suck a dick and then get your ass on a plane! 



Finally, we as INFJ’s are highly idealistic.  We look not to make excuses about “thats just how it is”, but instead we love to say “but this is how good it could be if we worked for it!”. And travel proves us right.

For anyone who ever says, “Well thats just how it is” traveling gives you proof that they’re wrong.  Why?  Well because you’ve seen it.

How could you possibly not believe in world peace after seeing dolphins play in the Florida Keys? 




How could you not believe in tranquility after sitting next to a waterfall in Bali? 




How could you not believe that community is still a real thing after seeing what a funeral looks like in New Orleans?


….you can’t.    Which is why travel is amazing.

Alright all you INFJ’s (and hell, this goes for humans in general) GET TRAVELING!   GO FIND YOURSELF, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??????

~ The Dark Horse




Eat, Pray, Love Made Me Do It (My Journey To Find Myself Despite Mental Illness)



Elizabeth Gilbert.   You crafty little bitch you.   Somehow you managed to write one of the most polarizing books of all time.  To some, you’re a woman who found herself and learned to live.   To others you’re a self-centered asshole who just thought you were better and worth more than everyone else….. to be honest, both are true.


You were an author living in New York City dating hot younger men (Not exactly the poster child for oppressed womanhood).    However, you were miserable.   And if you’re miserable you should always change.   Otherwise…..well…you’ll just always be miserable.


However, Im going to focus on the positives.   You did take control of your life.  You did inspire a shit ton of people to do the same.  And furthermore (and if all else isn’t true) you wrote a story that made people smile and remember that change is always possible.

925419 - EAT PRAY LOVE


I won’t recap the story or anything because I’m sure you’ve all seen it (and if you haven’t I won’t give any spoilers cuz thats bullshit).

Long story short: She’s miserable and decides to travel to Italy (Eat), India (Pray) and Bali, Indonesia (Love) to find herself.  She meets some great people, finds herself, and theres a sex scene involving a pizza….



I have decided Im going to take a trip….and write about it of course!   Inspired by Eat, Pray, Love but changing it a little to cater to what I need in life.

My story?  Well, I’m a 26 yr old American guy living in New Zealand.   Ive been moving around since I was 18 trying to find where i fit in.  Working dead-end jobs, suffering from depression, anxiety, and panic disorder.  Ive never had stable friendships.  Ive never been on a date or been in love.   I live my life alone.  Wandering endlessly around never feeling close to anyone.   Everyone my age just wants to fuck; Either get fucked on drugs and alcohol, or get fucked by someone else.   Fitting in is hard.  And so, I’m done.   Im no longer trying to fit in.  I now want to do what I love, which is write.  I want to inspire people.  Especially those who suffer from mental illness, those who have been bullied, and anyone else who just feels like they don’t belong.   Along the way I want to meet people who are more like me.  Who think outside the box.   Make friends, have adventures, and find love.    (I think Eliabeth Gilbert would approve)

So where am I going?




Ive always wanted to go to Bali.  The beauty, the water, the palms, the sun, and the heat.     A colorful little Hindu island refuge stuck inside of an oppressive Muslim country.


In Bali I hope to relax and learn.   Learn about a culture completely different than anything Ive experienced.   See the good.  See the bad.   Just see the world as an outsider.  With no knowledge of what expect.    Just see it with clarity.


Then its off to:

Kuala Lumpur 


A hustling, bustling metropolis in Asia.  This city will push my health anxiety and agoraphobia to the absolute limits.  My goal:  Live it like a local.    Go with the flow.  Sit in the traffic, rush through the malls, eat the street food, hop on the train, and let go.   I can’t keep letting myself deteriorate any longer.  its time to jump in the deep end see if I can swim.  (I have faith that I will)


To reward myself for surviving that city I will head to:

The Cameron Highlands



This will be my version of “EAT” from her book.   I am an avid lover of food and tea.  I love cooking.  I love going to restaurants.   I love trying new food, and savoring every bite!    The Cameron highlands are a renowned area for tea and strawberry growing high in the hills of Malaysia.  I am going to go and Im going to go and eat and drink.   The end.   This portion is my selfish all about me portion of the trip.   Make some friends, and drink tea till I’m peeing myself to death.


Then its off to see the real Malaysia.  Ill be going to:




A small riverside community that has is a strange mix of everything.   There is some tourism, some poverty, some wealth, some transportation industry through the river, some beauty, some religion, some ugliness, but apparently uniquely beautiful.

In Malacca I hope to learn to accept life for what it is.   Good, bad, pretty, ugly, but real.   I want to gain appreciation for what I do have.   I want to accept the things I can’t change, and embrace the things I can.  I want to find myself.


I will finish the trip in:




Singapore is where I will need to use everything I’ve learned throughout the trip.  Singapore is one of the safest and smallest countries in the entire world.   It has beautiful buildings, stunning public spaces (like the super trees below), and is filled with a wonderful collection of people and cultures.


But beneath the surface are the realities of why its so safe.  Harsh Muslim laws mixed with old-world colonial laws make Singapore a place you don’t want to get into trouble in.   Public beatings, mandatory death penalties, illegal homosexuality, and massive fines are some of the things a Singapore Airlines billboard will never tell you, but are very much part of the country.

Singapore will be my real-world application to everything I hope to learn on the rest of the trip.


Wish me luck?

~ The dark Horse