Ugh… yes Im aware ok…. this is the dumbest fucking cliché in the books. And in general, when people say it I want to go full-blown Hulk and smash things.
Sadly for me…. It actually works and I think a lot of us out there really need to remember it.
For me at the moment, my visa here in New Zealand is about to end, and I’m about to take a big trip throughout Asia…. so when I get home Ill only have 1 month left in this country. In my head all I can think of is: AND THEN WHAT?
So then I get consumed with thoughts like,
1.) Do I go back home and save money? Which means returning to the awful shithole that is my redneck hometown in Ohio…..ugh…. no.
2.) Save up for grad school overseas? …..Well if I had 28K lying around that would be a great idea….but…. hmmm…..
3.) Do resort work in Hawaii? ….But really thats a temporary fix…. and will that really add any value to my life? …. ummmm…. ugh…….
4.) Move to Denver? Seems like a good balance of outdoor life and big city feel…. but ugh….its so midwestern and average…..
So the answer? Well remember that we’re always children in some aspect. Always learning how to live, where to go next, and what to do….. and these moments are one of them. Baby steps are the key my friends….. ugh…..
fucking baby steps.
are the key.
Despite the fact that I just want to run, not walk…. let alone walk slowly and one step at a time.
But then I think of it this way, how much fun will my trip to Asia be if this is all I’m focusing on?
Or, Really…… my biggest troubles in life are “will resort in Hawaii add value to my life?”….. I wanna shoot myself because I’m well aware that sounds like a pathetic first-word problem.
And if worst comes to worst Ill go back to Ohio and stay in my childhood bedroom rent free with my parents. Sure, I have no friends in my hometown, and I don’t see eye-to-eye with anyone, but really? Am I in poverty? No.
You know, those of out there with depression and anxiety have a hidden gift… well its a curse and a gift to be honest. We crave meaning. We crave to live a real life. Not one that is just a collection of good times.
We want the real deal. The kind we see in movies. Why? Because we know how empty and void this world can be. We know what true dread and misery feels like and so we crave to feel the other side of the spectrum. We want true happiness.
But lets be real here, working at a resort in Waikiki? I could do worse. Im an able-bodied 26 year old guy who can get paid to work at a cafe that faces the Pacific ocean…. life aint that bad.
I could be in a wheelchair due to a life-threading illness. I could be mentally disabled. Or born to a mother who uses heroin and a dad who is in jail.
True, a waiting job won’t bring me real happiness in life. I love writing and I love this blog. But maybe the waiting job is a way to make money while I’m on my way to growing success through the blog. Maybe I need to start focusing on just one step at a time.
~ The Dark Horse