Monthly Archives: July 2016

When Life Gets Tough, Take It One Step At A Time.


Ugh… yes Im aware ok…. this is the dumbest fucking cliché in the books.   And in general, when people say it I want to go full-blown Hulk and smash things.

Sadly for me…. It actually works and I think a lot of us out there really need to remember it.


For me at the moment, my visa here in New Zealand is about to end, and I’m about to take a big trip throughout Asia…. so when I get home Ill only have 1 month left in this country.   In my head all I can think of is:  AND THEN WHAT? 

So then I get consumed with thoughts like,

1.) Do I go back home and save money?  Which means returning to the awful shithole that is my redneck hometown in Ohio…..ugh…. no.

2.)  Save up for grad school overseas? …..Well if I had 28K lying around that would be a great idea….but…. hmmm…..

3.) Do resort work in Hawaii?  ….But really thats a temporary fix…. and will that really add any value to my life? …. ummmm…. ugh…….

4.) Move to Denver?  Seems like a good balance of outdoor life and big city feel…. but ugh….its so midwestern and average…..


So the answer?   Well remember that we’re always children in some aspect.   Always learning how to live, where to go next, and what to do….. and these moments are one of them.   Baby steps are the key my friends….. ugh…..

fucking baby steps.


are the key.

Despite the fact that I just want to run, not walk…. let alone walk slowly and one step at a time.

But then I think of it this way, how much fun will my trip to Asia be if this is all I’m focusing on?

Or, Really…… my biggest troubles in life are “will resort in Hawaii add value to my life?”….. I wanna shoot myself because I’m well aware that sounds like a pathetic first-word problem.

And if worst comes to worst Ill go back to Ohio and stay in my childhood bedroom rent free with my parents. Sure, I have no friends in my hometown, and I don’t see eye-to-eye with anyone, but really?   Am I in poverty?   No.


You know, those of out there with depression and anxiety have a hidden gift… well its a curse and a gift to be honest.   We crave meaning.  We crave to live a real life.  Not one that is just a collection of good times.

We want the real deal.  The kind we see in movies.   Why?  Because we know how empty and void this world can be.   We know what true dread and misery feels like and so we crave to feel the other side of the spectrum.   We want true happiness.

But lets be real here, working at a resort in Waikiki?  I could do worse.    Im an able-bodied 26 year old guy who can get paid to work at a cafe that faces the Pacific ocean….  life aint that bad.

I could be in a wheelchair due to a life-threading illness.   I could be mentally disabled.   Or born to a mother who uses heroin and a dad who is in jail.

True, a waiting job won’t bring me real happiness in life.  I love writing and I love this blog.   But maybe the waiting job is a way to make money while I’m on my way to growing success through the blog.  Maybe I need to start focusing on just one step at a time.


~ The Dark Horse

Dealing with Mental Illness And Not Feeling Alone.



So dealing with mental health issues is probably one of the worst hells anyone can go through.   One of the reasons why its so bad is because nobody understands.  How many times have you guys tried talking about this with others and you’ve gotten some bullshit line like, “OMG me too!  I used to be depressed and I like totally get anxiety sometimes….”

In my head I simply pull out a pistol, but in reality I’m just like…”Ugh huh”.  And then I know to never talk to them about it again.    Unfortunately due to social stigma, people thinking were just drama queens, and just a complete lack of anyone being able to comprehend how its possible to live a life in pure misery…We almost always feel alone and isolated.



However, I have great news!   It is possible to feel like we are a community.   Support groups, counseling, and online communities can show us were not alone.    Yes it is true that we are statistically not the majority.    But hey, look at the commoners out in the world.  Would you really want to live in a blissful ignorance like them?   At least were able to feel emotion….granted they’re normally not good ones.  But hey, Id rather feel something than be numb.

For me personally this blog has helped me so much.   And I just want to say thank you for anyone and everyone who reads it, likes it, and comments on it.   You guys have no idea how amazing I feel when someone leaves a comment on a post.   It brings the biggest smile to my face.  Like one time I turned no my computer and saw this:

“I Just stumbled upon your page… Your words are like getting a hug on a rainy day. I am also an INFJ and a sagittarius. I had the same experience as you when I learned about it.. everything just fell into place. I am also living currently alone abroad..I have this feeling like I can finally breath again. But at the same time I have been thinking for quite some time about the fact that what I crave for is to find someone who would really see me, look past the mask, love whom I could give my love to. Sometimes I just think it is an impossible wish.”


I think its amazing that through this anonymous blog people can feel so moved that they open up.   It is literally exactly what I hoped would happen by making this blog.




So what does it mean for you guys?

Well it means a few things:

1.)   You brighten my day, and hopefully I brighten yours.  Thats a win-win in my book and I think thats fucking awesome!

2.) If you’re feeling alone or isolated, pick up a hobby! This blog has been amazing for me because I love writing.   But think of your passion!  Always wanted to play an instrument?  get into fitness?  Travel the world and meet others while staying in a hostel?   GO FOR IT PEOPLE! 

3.)  Need help or inspiration? is a great place to start.   There are literally groups in your area for honestly everything and anything.    Think thats weird or feel like you’ll be an outcast?   Go to a UFO observing night or people who want to meet up and hunt for Bigfoot…. I can guarantee you that everyone in those groups will be outcasts and therefore you’ve got nothing to worry about!

4.) Buddhist Temples are another great place to go.   These temples are usually open to anyone wishing to gain inner peace. Buddhists are really awesome with the whole not-judging-others thing and if you go and say you have no idea what you’re doing you’ll most likely find someone willing to give you a hand.

5.) If all else fails and you’re really struggling.   ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS call your local lifeline. I promise you from experience that they’re not just for suicide.  They are there for anyone going through an emotional crisis.  And if calling them up just to cry your ass off because you feel so alone THEN GUUUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLL YOU GO AND DO IT.  




Remember, there is always hope!

~ The Dark Horse

(Im pretty sure this was proofread… but Idk…. theres probably some mistakes here and there :p )

Being Sick And Having Depression And Anxiety


Ah yes you all know the feeling.   The fickle hand of death is at your door.  You’re sick. (Well, I am right now at least).  All the bells and whistles are here! The runny nose, cough, soar throat, and then we have that fun little extra dimension…. we get all the depression and anxiety too!  And really, when is it ever worse than when were sick?

You know that feeling?  You’re laying at home sick.  You’re In bed, but its sunny outside.   Finally your external body feels as shitty as your internal one does all the time.  And we have nothing but time people…. time to regret the past, hate the present, and dread the future.



Normally when you’re sick the best thing to do is to get out in the world.  Escape the trappings of your mind.  But when you’re sick you can’t.  You are currently in hell.


So what do we do?  How do we get through this shitfest?   Well a few tips from me:


1.)  MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES!   BUT THEY MUST BE HAPPY OR EXCITING ONES!  This is not the time to break out that 3 hour long Oscar winning drama you’ve been meaning to watch.   Save that shit for…. well…. ok seriously, why are you wasting your time with those shitty films anyway?   You want a drama?  Look in the mirror, thats what I do.



No, its chick flick time!  (Love Actually?)  or Inspiring travel film time! (Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?) or daring space odyssey (The 5th Dimension?)   break out the good shit people!



2.) Hot tea!   DRINK UP BITCHES!   cold?  Drink tea.  Bored? Drink tea.  Tired?  Drink tea.  Keep it flowing.  Imagine its Saturday night at the club.   Down that tea like its some shitty Cosmo.


See this lady knows how its done!




3.)   Always remember in one week things will be better!   Your nose won’t always be like this.   You will feel better.  I promise!   Still don’t believe me?  Well give it a week then check back in








Feel better!

~ The Dark Horse








Universe, Throw Me A fuckin’ Bone




Ah, Universe, you fickle little fuck.   Does anyone else out there have those days where, even if you don’t believe in God, you still throw your first skyward and curse that little bastard in the sky?


yeah I do it too….


And you know what?   GO FOR IT BITCHES! 

Lets face it, when you are the outcast you literally have nobody who wants to hear your bullshit or who cares about your struggles.  So who gives a fuck if you decide to let it out on that man in the clouds.    There are one of two options here:

1.) God isn’t real so you’re not really pissing anyone off anyways

2.)  God is real, meaning he is a caring loving parental figure-thing who is all knowing and probably knows how shit you feel, and therefore probably gladly welcomes you yelling at him if it helps relieve the tension.


So why not?     Lets all do it because life is fucking hard.   Especially if you have mental illness, face being an outcast, or are all in life.



How I see it, that shit is stress relief.

Because lets face it, if we talk to other people the only response we will get is some shit like, “Oh, I’m sure its just a bad day….”

Which makes me want to go:




Just a little rant from the old dark horse


Hope you guys smile today!


~ The Dark Horse

(was this proof read?   This pst only had 240 words……of course it wasn’t)