Oh life, you fickle little fuck. You just never know when to quit do you? So, Im working in retail right now. Which means this week (being Thanksgiving) should be the busiest of the year. And yet, Ive had 2 shifts cancelled this week. And I had a shift cut last week….
So now my parents are giving me a bunch of shit. Telling me what a failure I am. Being a 26 year old, living at home, who can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.
I talked to my boss yesterday, asking if Ive been a bad employee or if Ive been doing anything wrong, and she said no. It was just bad timing because she thought we were going to get a lot of shipment these last two weeks, and we didn’t. So she had to cut shifts.
Which still sucks, but at least I know I still have a job….
Still, doesn’t help me talking to my parents. They’re convinced Im a failure. And you know what? They’re kind of right. Im 26. Ive never had a “big boy job”. I can’t seem to ever find love. Nor can I manage to find long-lasting happiness.
This morning I told my dad I had a shift canceled and he responded with, “You don’t even have a job….”. I had to walk away and go back to my room because I was going to cry.
I have depression. I also have severe anxiety. They ruin my life. Times like these only add to the problem.
If I believed in God. In a higher power, and an afterlife, I would have killed myself by now. But you know what? There is no God. This is it people. There are no pearly gates waiting for us on the other side. Therefore, when the fake God above throws you nothing but lemons, you have no choice but to turn them into lemonade.
Because we have no choice.
Im not going to give up. Im not going to believe that Im stupid. That I’m lazy. That I’m not worth things better than what I have right now. Because I know that isn’t true. I know I work hard. I know I really try. Have I burnt almost every bridge Ive ever crossed? Have I ruined so many situations because of my insecurities, low self-esteem, and belief that I wasn’t good enough? Yes, absolutely. Have I been too afraid to really try to live the life Ive always wanted? Yes.
But that all changes people.
IT HAS TO CHANGE
So look lemons you dirty bastards, Its lemonade time!
I have been accepted for a Creative Writing Masters at the University of Denver. So I know someone wants me. On top of that, Ill find out December 2nd if I’m going to Harvard. Im playing with some weak cards here and I understand that.
I know that with my history of constant failures, trying to pick up the pieces will be hard. because who wants to take the chance on the underdog? But, something’s gotta’ give at some point. Think of celebrities like Kathy Griffin, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory (Who is actually like 44 years old). Some people don’t find success until later in life (I really hope at least SOMETHING goes well for me before 44…. but hey, trying is all I can do).
I mean, hey, I got through all of last year, and I’m here…..
Keep trying, I know I will!