Alright. Im starting from scratch here people. I’ve been back in my hometown…. working part time in retail….living at home…..
I have been a complete sack of useless shit.
Ive just been questioning everything about my life. Regretting all of my past. Dreading my future. Hating my present. Masturbating twice a day everyday is the only excitement Ive had the last few months… I have been pathetic.
Does anyone else know that feeling? Anyone out there know what its like to want so much from life, but you’re just stuck in the craptastic shithole called your life? You’ve dug yourself into a bad situation…. which is hard enough to get out of on its own…..but combine that struggle with trying to do all that with depression and anxiety…. and FUCK life sucks
But ok, Ive got a lead. In January I’m going to start taking classes at Harvard. So Ill be moving to Cambridge next month. A chance to restart my life. To do everything over again.
A chance to learn new skills. Make friends. Move to a city with opportunity.
But Jesus fucking Christ I’m scared. Im so scared that I’m going to fuck this up too. That I will ruin everything. That this won’t go well for me. UUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Ok my fellow Mentally Ill friends. Does anyone know this feeling? Its like Im so happy to have a new opportunity. A chance to finally make things right. To learn from my mistakes. To finally start building a life that has meaning! ….And yet, where most people would be through the roof for this opportunity, I’m sitting here going:
~ I NEED TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST CASE SCENARIO BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAPPENS…AND QUITE REGULARLY
~ WILL PEOPLE HATE ME? WILL THE TEACHERS AT HARVARD THINK IM STUPID AND BENEATH THEM?
~ WILL I MAKE FRIENDS?
~ WILL THIS BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM MY PAST ATTEMPTS?
Well, I won’t know until I try right?
There really is nothing to do now but hope for the best, because negativity and dread hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life yet right? So, lets open our arms and take a leap of faith.
~ The Dark Horse
And no this wasn’t proofread because I was eating a sandwich while trying. (it was a turkey reuben and it was delicious!)