So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years. About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it. Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes. I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne. Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually). So there I was, alone. Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling. I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.
But the other day I also got a little smile on my face. It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again. I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life. Your entire world has changed. You have to learn how to overcome obstacles. You have to ask people for help. Easy things becomes monumental successes.
Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard. Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack. I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”
I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!! And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats! This is such a big moment for you! ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?
I think it’s interesting though. This new idea I have. Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way. And who doesn’t make mistakes as children? We all do right? How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old? So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years. What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else. Mistakes were bound to happen.
Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…
WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH!
Look at that little girl? Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok? Don’t let it get you down!
Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!
And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.
Point is, I think were all doing a great job. We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.
And keep falling!
~ The Dark Horse
(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)