Monthly Archives: March 2017

The Innocence Of Anxiety

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So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

I Lost A Friend The Other Day (He Didn’t Die…We’re Just Not Friends Anymore…Sorry For Coming Off So Dramatic)

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So yeah, I lost a friend the other day.  It really sucks.  Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand.   He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him.   When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.

Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life.  Those are some memories I will never ever forget.

Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:

 He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.  

Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time.  For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.

YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:

BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?  

 

For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:

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But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.

 

 

Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect.  Far from it actually.   I Have fucked up so much in my past.  I have failed over and over again.   So who am I to judge I would tell myself?

 

Anyways, he really liked me.   He always wanted to be my boyfriend.   And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too.  He can be such a kind person when he wants to be.  Like when I would get sick he would order food for me.  It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks.  And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.   

But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me.  I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.

 

Then, a few months ago a new low was hit.  I remember talking to him while I was really down.  Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia

 

He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”

 

And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed.  You have a friends.  Friends that you’ve had for a long time.  I’d kill for that in my life.  You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at.   You literally have talent.  Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do!  And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want!  If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”

And he literally responded with:

“Yeah but I want you.  And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”

 

YES.   What a douche, I know.

 

And I was like,  “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that?  I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends.   You know how much it hurts for me to be alone.  And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”

 

I was literally disgusted.  So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.

 

However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends.  Texting and showing each other support for each other.  In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him!  I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.

But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you.  And one day I’ll have you”.

CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT!  We Have a Creeper On The Prowl

And I said,”You can’t do that to him.  It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.

 

And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him.  You’ll be mine someday”. 

Ok so,

1.)  Thank God he doesn’t know where I live.  Cuz….WTF

2.)  Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people.  Something a friend should have known about me.

3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?  Who willingly hurts and leads people on?

 

So anyways, friendship over.  Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.

 

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?

Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives.   Like,

 

 

 

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IM BACK IN SCHOOL!  Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends.  Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart. 

 

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Im writing!  I’m actually going for my dreams.  I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends! 

 

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Its March!  Which means Spring and Summer are on the way!   So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!

 

 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life?  And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock.  I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future.  Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

~ The Dark Horse

PS….this was soooooo not proof read.   sowwyz!