So, writing is bringing new hope and adventure my life. For those of you who don’t know or haven’t been reading my blog (which…who is? I don’t think I have any hardcore followers) Anyways, as a recap, I’m currently studying Creative Writing and Literature.
And I love it. I love making stories. I love taking the horrible crap of my life and turning it into stories. I love making people smile. I love making people laugh. I love inspiring people.
I just fucking love it.
And you know what? I’m 27 now and I keep asking myself, WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS SOONER? Why am I just now taking control of my life? Why am I just now starting to feel alive?
The answer is sad, but obvious. I never thought I was worth it. I have been put down so much in my life, and told that I’ll amount to nothing, that I ended up fucking believed it. AND YOU KNOW WHATS EVEN WORSE??? It was this weird internalized belief. Like I didn’t think I was worthless because people told me I was, I just deeply and truly had a sense that I was worthless. That feeling burrowed deep within me, planting roots in the depths of everything I was (and am).
For those of you who read my last 2 posts about sex addiction, then let me say, I think that internalized feeling of worthlessness is also what led me to using sex as a form of relief. I didn’t think I was better than a random man off Grindr. I didn’t; think I was worth anymore that a one night stand, BECAUSE LOOK AT ME? WHO WOULD WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS? is what I would tell myself.
But fuck. Something deep within me is changing. Harvard is changing me. When the editor of the Harvard Review says she likes your style and wants to help you, the stone walls you’ve built up around yourself begin to crumble. Finally, you have a voice to contradict the people of your past.
And this blog is what started it all. I started writing this in 2013 in Melbourne, Australia. I was suffering from panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. I needed to write to save myself. And I still do it to this day. My passion is giving me reason to live. And I can’t believe it took me so long to see that this passion is real. It isn’t my “head in the clouds” or “me not growing up”. It’s a passion I have and a passion I need. Writing is part of me, and I love it.
So for any of you out there struggling, do you have passions? And if not, do you have anything you love doing but don’t know if it’s a passion? Do you have anything you really wanted to do but are too scared to try? Because I can tell you that working towards something real has helped me a lot.
Having sex constantly didn’t make me happy.
Listening to the world and getting a 9-5 job I hate because, and I quote, “I should just be thankful I’m not homeless” never made me happy.
Hating myself and my life everyday never made me happy.
But working towards a passion did.
Alright, let’s end this with a good gif? Cuz who this fuck doesn’t like a good gif right?
Remember: If Vader can have fun as Disneyland, than it’s never too late for us to change out ways either!
~ The Dark Horse