I Long To Be The Younger Me Again

Feb 2010 Campus Scenes

 

Does anyone else out there look back on their past and wish they were young again?  I mean, I didn’t even like being young.  My life has been a raging shitshow since about age 10

But at the same time, there was the spark back then.  This magic all around me. 

I believed that everything was going to work out.  I thought that one day I’d fly away and be surrounded by people who loved and cared for me.  When I was 20, I was so much more jaded than any other 20 year-old around me, but now, at 27, I’m even more bitter and jaded than I thought humanly possible.

 

This one memory has been popping back into my head for about a month now.

It’s the memory of being twenty years old and being back in undergrad.  Back at a school called Loyola Marymount University.

LMU1

Loyola Marymount is located in sunny Los Angeles and it’s campus is beautiful and pristine.  Being from working class Ohio, I always felt completely out of place surrounded by all the kids from the OC and the Bay who drove their BMWs and Range Rovers around campus.

Back then I hated that school.  I had no friends.  I didn’t connect with the coke-snorting millionaires from Laguna Beach who partied in WeHo rather than did homework like me.   It was so isolating and lonely.  I remember it was so bad that I moved to Westwood to live with UCLA kids.   Then I had about a 2 hour bus commute every day there and back on the Santa Monica 3 bus line.

 

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And yet, these days, I look back and miss those days.  I miss being in undergrad. I miss being that young.  I miss looking out my classroom windows and seeing palm trees and the LA skyline.

But you know, what I really miss is being surrounded by peers.  There is an experience in undergrad that you’ll never get in anything else you ever do in life for as long as you live.  Its you, being young, and being surrounded by a bunch of other young people.  There is just this feeling like a new friend could be around every corner. Maybe a potential boyfriend is sitting next to you in class.   You just always think that something good may be coming.

So that’s what I’m remembering.  I keep thinking of sitting in this history class I had.  There was this really cute straight guy who sat next to me.  I used to sneak looks at him when he wasn’t looking.  And sometimes, he’d catch my looking and I’d smile like as I was just looking around the room and happened to make eye-contact with him.  He’d give me this bro-like “sup” motion with his face.

AudreyMa_LMU_2015_1520

I’ll never have that again.   I’ll never feel like a new friend is around every corner.  I’ll never feel like I’ll fall in love ever again.   I just rot.  I just got older and more isolated and my body crumbles and fades with age.

You’re only young once.   After that it’s all over.  Now, everyone is settling down, getting married, getting fat, plopping into their 9-5 (which in America has quickly turned to the 8-6), and they wash their adulthoods away at bars on the weekends talking about life as “grown ups” as they discuss buying homes and other such bullshits.

I think I actually hate them more now.  At least back when we were 20 and they didn’t have anything in common with me, I could still have some eye candy.  But now, that glow of youth that all the hot guys used to have has been replaced with a growing belly and back hair.   I wonder how they look at themselves in the mirror everyday without wanting to commit suicide.   How far they’ve fallen.

lmu6

But despite how awful life becomes, I will still have my memories.  At nighttime as I sit in my bed unable to fall asleep, I close my eyes, and think about my past.  I replay those days at LMU on loop in my head.  My bedroom provides an escape from my present.  I’d rather be lost a delusional fantasy of what my life used to be, than sit in bed at night and dwell on how it only continues to get worse.

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Anyways, does anyone else feel that way?  Does anyone else feel like even though life was never good, it was somehow less bad when you were young?

And where do we go from here?

~ The Dark Horse

(This was…perhaps 30% proofread?)

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2 thoughts on “I Long To Be The Younger Me Again

  1. I wish I had met you there…back then…maybe we could’ve been friends. I can feel your bitter, it surrounds you like a coat & I just want to take it off you, put it away & see who you could’ve been…who you should’ve been. To see you become bright & shiny, without any tarnish.
    Your scars are beautiful & they match mine.
    My youth seems so far away & I feel so old, so bitter. I didn’t get to go to college. I wish I had. I was just a throw away kid who survived a childhood of abuse & neglect. It didn’t start out that way. The years I look back & wish I could have again are before my mother passed away when I was 8. I was a princess. I had everything. Dance classes. Pretty dresses. A mother who sang & painted portraits of her children, a beautiful Goddess who could do anything & used to whisper to me of a magical future that would never come to pass…
    I would give anything to go back to those moments. To steal time and…do what? I’m not sure. Ask her not to die? Not to leave me alone with that madman & the fucked up psycho? My father & my older brother… {{{shudders from the memories & shakes them off}}} I miss who I was, who I could’ve been, who I should’ve been. Instead of this…this broken hot mess of me.

    1. You know what, I’m actually about to start reading two books. One is called The Mother of Black Hollywood by Jenifer Lewis. and the other is The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish

      I had seen an interview with Jenifer Lewis on an interview with The View, and she just seemed fucking amazing! Like, she seems like someone who could be a mother to everyone. She seemed so bright and welcoming. She talked about how she came from a history of depression, and even lashed out with a sex addiciton.

      And the Last Black Unicorn looks FUCKING AMAZING! Tiffany Haddish grew up in foster care, was abused, lived in her car for a while, and LIED ABOUT IT for years as she struggled as a stand up comedian because she didn’t want to be judged. That is courage right there.

      I recommend to watch those interviews and see how bright and powerful these women are. I’m going to spend my Christmas break reading their books because I think it’s going to be massively inspiring. I think you should too!

      Also, your name is A Hot Broken Mess…. fucking brilliant! I can see that you obviously have a spark in there. There’s a part of you that still wants to smile and laugh. I think we should try to challenge ourselves to let out our good sides more!

      ~ The Dark Horse

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