Monthly Archives: January 2018

What Does This Dream Mean?

dream

Alright everyone, I have some questions for you that I want answers to. For the past few weeks I’ve been having dreams – Weird and stressful dreams.

 

The first dream I’ve been having for every night for the past few weeks.  This is a “chase” dream.  There is always some man (sometimes with a knife in hand) chasing me and a group of other people around.  I always end up somehow on my own, and nothing ever goes right.

There will be locked doors I can’t get into, no police in sight, no weapons for me to sue to fight back, and of course it’s ALWAYS dark outside.

The feeling in these dreams isn’t so much fear as it is stress.

When I’m running from this man, and I try to knock on a door, screaming my ass off, trying frantically to open it – the thought going through my head isn’t “Oh my God Im going to die!” , but it instead it’s, “Of course this door isn’t fucking opening because this is just how the world is!  Nobody is ever fucking there to help me!”

dream1

 

There is nowhere to hide.  All I can do is try and outrun him.  All I can do turn left down a street, then right, then left, maybe hide next to a dumpster in an alleyway.  But of course, he always walks down that alleyway, so it’s only a temporary solution.  There are never any people on the streets in my dreams, and the group of people I’m with in the beginning always run off in some opposite direction and I never see them again.   It’s me playing a constant cat-and-mouse game with the killer.

 

Now here is where it gets even weirder:  Twice in this span of a few weeks where I’m having this chase dream, the killer hasn’t been a man….but dinosaurs.  Namely, the T Rex.

dream 2

 

 

The first dream was very Jurassic Park.  Except, just like the dream before, it was like Jurassic Park in the worst case scenario.  There were no cars or jeeps in my dream.  The compound was (of course) locked.  We had no weapons of any kind, and there was no way off the island.  It was once again me against the elements…and dinosaurs.  Having nowhere to hide…only to run.  And no matter where you’d go… you’d begin to hear the footsteps coming closer.

The sounds of rustling, and the roar of a large dinosaur.  Then when you knew it was close, you’d have to run again.  Always running.

 

The second dinosaur dream I had was more of the Jurassic Park: Lost World, or more precisely, a Cloverfield plot. We were in a major city with a T Rex (amongst other dinosaurs) running amok.  It had all the issues of the first dream, expect this time it had all the problems of your standard post-apocalyptic story as well.

You could run and ask someone for help…but would you trust them? …would they even trust you?  And if they did invite you in, we’re they wanting to help…or were they just hoping that they could throw you in front of a dinosaur to ensure their escape?   At one point we were on this guy’s boat floating down a river and watching people on the streets of the city.  People were begging to be let into boarded up houses and the homeowner would shoot them straight through their boarded up doors.

 

+++Now that I’m writing this post, I’m pretty damn these dreams must have centered around my trust issues and feeling of societal abandonment. +++

I wake up rom these dreams exhausted.  I have after all, been running for my life all dam

 

 

And here is the second weird dream.  This a reoccurring dream I have been having for years.  And every few weeks, I’m guaranteed to have it again.

 

I have a loose tooth in the dream.  A very, very loose tooth.  A tooth so loose that it’s literally hanging on by a thread.  I can move my tongue and feel the indent in my gum where the tooth should be.  I can move my tongue underneath the bottom of the tooth as well.   It’s literally only being held into my mouth with just one little vein attached.

I sit there, stricken with fear.  What does this mean, I ask myself in the dream.  Am I sick?  Am I diseased?  Why is this tooth falling out?  Am I so unhealthy that I’m losing my teeth???  But, I’m in public.  Always in a classroom or out to dinner.  I’m desperately trying to control my anxiety so those around me don’t notice my distress. I’m doing this because I know that they don’t want to hear my problems…nobody is ever there for you..

 

…WOW… ok.  Well, I think I know the meaning of these dreams now. 

 

Does anyone out there know more?  Anyone out there hip on the whole “dream meaning” scene?  I’d love to know people’s thoughts as to what this all might mean (aside from the glaringly obvious I suppose)  or more importantly, what to do about these feelings?

 

Dream on! (In the good way I hope)

~ The Dark Horse

 

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We Need To Relax, Right Now.

fire

 

Ok everyone let’s all take breath and be real here:  For those of us who are already prone to depression and/or anxiety, the current world is too much.  From Donald Trump, to North Korea, to Russia.  Even things that are supposed to be helpful like #MeToo is incredibly stressful and exhausting.

 

 The world right now kind of feels like Singapore in the Independence Day sequel.

Singgif

 

And I don’t know about you guys, but I’m totally torn, and it’s killing my energy.  Part of me says, “I need to know this shit!  This is important.  This is the work we live in.  I can’t bury my head in the sand”

But then the other part of me is like, “You’re one person and you’re prone to depression and panic attacks.. TAKE A NIGHT OFF FROM THE WORLD AND DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SMILE YOU DUMBASS! 

 

And you know, that second part of me is right.  Yes, this is the world we live in.  And yes, a lot of people are saying a whole lot of mean and stupid shit right now.  But stressing myself out by thinking about it every night and asking how can I fix this isn’t going to fix the it.  In fact, all it will do is make my life worse.  So, what to do?

 

I think a balance is good.  Balance is always good right? So say most religions and philosophies least.

So, I’m working on a few articles that I want to try and pitch to HuffPost or something, or at least put on Medium (I’m like 99% sure they’ll all be rejected).  But that way I can at least try to have my voice out there.  But I also need time where I simply turn off.

This week I’ve been taking time before bed.  For 30 minutes I read Eat, Pray, Love (don’t judge, it’s actually a great book), and then the other 30 minutes I watch an old show called Strangers With Candy.  It’s insanely hilarious and offensive, but in this way where you always know it’s a joke. It’s one of those beautiful examples of something that can shock you but also make you feel really good inside.  I find myself laughing out loud when I watch it, and damn that’s life saving.  

jerri

If any of you are interested, it’s about a 46 yr old high school drop out, ex-hooker user, boozer, and loser – who goes back to high school to pick up right where she left…

good times!

 

So yeah, I guess that’s it for now.  I’m learning to not stress myself out.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor was it built by one person.  We can all only do so much, and allowing the current global crisis kill us with stress won’t help anything.

 

So let’s do what we can.  Write to your congressman, write editorials about your views, volunteer to help the needy, and for god sakes get and out vote in November and again in 2020!!!!   In the meantime, do what you can, and remember to relax.  Life is hard, so let’s not make it any harder on ourselves.  We’re a lot more useful to the world if we’re not paralyzed and exhausted from depression and anxiety.

 

~ The Dark Horse

This World’s a Bitch, and Don’t Let a Bitch Hold You Back!

planet

So, life is insane, ya know that?  I mean like… it’s really fuckin’ crazy.

One of the craziest things is how your life can change.

 

When I was 22 and graduated from undergrad, I was lost and broken.  I had no friends, I didn’t take advantage of an University resource (because to be honest, I didn’t believe that my University cared about me.)  I left college with no internship experience, no references, and no plan.

The only thing I managed to do in undergrad was manage a Pinkberry so I could I could afford to pay for college.  However, 14 an hour doesn’t go very far when you combine living in LA + college tuition (even with the financial aid i received).  And furthermore, when you spend 50hrs a week at Pinkberry, you don’t really have the time utilize the school you’re working so damn hard to pay for!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the biggest problems with America.  This “meritocracy” is fake as fuck.

It’s a hard-ass world out there if you’re not born into money.

 

But that’s a different blog post for a different day.  The point of this post is talk about how, despite the fact that the odds are stacked against the common man, we can still overcome them.  We can still thrive.  We don’t have to bend over and blindly let the world fuck us silly.

It’s time to rise up and fight back, after all, this is our lives.  We can’t give up and accept defeat that easily.  They may have more tools and resources, than we do.  But some spunk and moxie can go a long way!

planet2.gif

 

 

So the past few years I’ve been wandering around the world, doing random jobs and being bored to death and feeling like no matter where I go in this world, I’ll still be bored and lonely.

I was mad because I knew I was smart.  I knew I was intelligent.  I knew I could do all the things that I wasn’t getting the opprotunity for.   I knew I just needed a chance.  I just needed some symbol that showed others to take me seriously.

So I had an idea:  The prestige of the world have more resources and reputation… so why not use those too?  So, I applied to Harvard.  I was going to FORCE this world to take me seriously.

Elle Woods became my hero.  She was a symbol of someone that the world didn’t believe in.  But she believed in herself.  She knew was smart.  She knew she could do it.

elle

 

Anyways, lets flash-forward to right now.  I’ve been at Harvard for about a year now and I’m absolutely loving it.  And no, not every second has been daisies and lollipops.  Just like anywhere else, sometimes you get professors who don’t like you, and sometimes you do bad on a paper, but overall, I think it’s been an amazing experience.  The people I know here are, in general, awesome.

 

But most importantly, I’m growing as a person and the doors of opprotunity are finally opening up for me (which for a good number of years there, I genuinely thought would never happen).

For example, I just got word that I got accepted as a summer intern in Kuala Lumpur!

KL

 

 

And now, next week I have an interview for an internship in China!

tumblr_n3dz64NvjU1ql8t12o1_400

 

 

Ok, also I realize this post is bordering on sounding like I’m bragging.  I promise that’s not the case.   Don’t get me wrong, Im proud of myself and Im so fuckin excited for the summer now.

But I’m writing to show an example that even raging shit-shows can work hard and make something of themselves.  It’s never too late.  You’re never too old.  You’re never too stupid.

As my therapist always told me, “Stupid people don’t know they’re stupid and even if they knew, they wouldn’t care…that’s part of being stupid.  If you’re fearing that you’re not good enough it’s most likely because you are in-fact good enough.  Usually it’s the smart people who have the ability to question their abilities.”  

 

So cmon people.  Let’s rock this shit out.  Our lives can be so meaningful.  And if you’re someone who already feels like your live has meaning, than that’s awesome!  I hope someday we all can.

 

And remember, when the world’s being a bitch….

bitch please

…put on your shades and give em’ hell. 

 

~ The Dark Horse

I do too my proofreading for school…so no, i didn’t proofread this post 🙂