Alright everyone, so, if you’ve read my blog for a while you will know that I used to have a little problem. This super tiny, basically nonexistent problem was that I had agoraphobia. In fact, for a while I couldn’t even walk out the front door of my apartment without having a panic attack. And then for years after that, I struggled to be in open places. Luckily for me, I had an amazing therapist who gave me what’s called Exposure Therapy.
For those who don’t know what it is, it’s basically exactly how it sounds. You get over your anxiety by being thrown into the situations that give you anxiety. It’s hell, I’ll be honest. But damn, that shit works!
For me, I had gotten into therapy way too late. I didn’t start until I had formed a complete fear of the outside world. Anywhere that wasn’t my house was a source of anxiety. Also, I’m gay and have always acted really weird around straight guys (because they were always mean to me) and I was especially weird around hot jock straight guys (because…you know, alpha male types are straight up cunts). Anyways, so my therapist, being the clever bitch she is, figured the perfect solution…. I was going to do my exposure therapy at the football stadium on campus…
And not only would I be doing it there, but I would be doing it DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM AS THEY HAD THEIR PRACTICE.
Yes, that’s right. She had me run up and down the bleachers, and then run onto the football field as they practiced and spin in circles to make myself dizzy… all right in front of the football team. The goal was to make me feel like I was going to pass out, and then show me that I didn’t pass out.
Look people, it wasn’t easy. In fact, as I ran the bleachers I was screaming profane things at my therapist.
“You’re a fucking cunt! You’re a fucking cunt! You’re a fucking cunt!” I screamed over and over.
She simply responded with, “You know, it’s weird, I didn’t know that people who were about to pass out had the energy to scream like that.”
I ended up really loving this girl. She was amazing and was exactly what I needed in a therapist, I just didn’t know it.
ANYWAYS, so what does all this have to do with Drag Queens right????
Well, one of my internships on campus is making episodes for a podcast. Back in January, the guy who runs the podcast was like, “Hey, can you make an event happen? An event would be great publicity.” Now, I didn’t know much about drag, but I thought it would so bright and colorful to have an event with a drag queen. And how much fun right? I’m all about having people learn in a fun setting. Trying to learn when you’re bored as fuck is impossible.
So, I’ve been spending the past few months making arrangements and learning everything there is to know about drag. It’s been a whirlwind, and now, it’s almost here. I am actually going to be hosting the event! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I’m going to be the one on-stage hosting the event and asking the questions. And here’s the thing….
This is going to be my first time on stage since developing anxiety.
That’s right. I’m going to be in front of an auditorium that seats 200 people, with all eyes on me. This is Exposure Therapy 2.0 bitches, and I’m determined to make this fun. I’m determined to not get anxious or have a panic attack in front of a crowd. I want to make people laugh. I want them to have fun, and to enjoy themselves.
And on top of that, I’m going to keep learning. This is the next step of my journey. I’ve done a great job of getting back into society, but this is my chance to crawl out from the shadows. I’ve always been a natural entertainer. A natural people-person. The anxiety and depression just kind of masked that for like… over a decade. But it’s never too late.
Do you understand that?
It’s never ever too late.
We can always grow and always be better. Depression and anxiety does not control us. We control them.
And furthermore, this goes beyond depression and anxiety. This is true for all of us, from people with PTSD, to someone who is having a midlife crisis, or anyone who just feels like they aren’t living to their true potential. You aren’t dead are you? No, I didn’t think so. And since you’re alive, it means you’re able to change.
To be better.
To be happy.
If this boy from Indiana can have the balls to put on a dress, then trust me, we can have the balls to change our lives.
Let’s Do This!
~ The Dark Horse