So, it’s May and summer is just around the corner!
(Well, for some lucky people around the globe, it’s always Summer…Just know, I’m jealous of you!)
But here, the trees are finally greening up. The flowers blooming. And the weather finally warming. I had my big event 2 weeks ago, and just finished my last final today! I’M FREE!!!!!!!!!
But now I’m asking myself: what to do?
I feel great, like I’ve accomplished so much this past school year…and yet, I can hear depression and anxiety knocking on my door, like the killer in some horror movie.
I can hear them whispering to me…
“You did good…but can you really top that?”
“Where do you go from here? have you ever considered THAT?”
“What if you fail the next time you try?”
“What if this all was a fluke?”
Ah yes, depression and anxiety. Creeping around in the darks of your mind, like they’re the fuckin’ Babadook.
SO HERE’S WHAT I AM DOING
I’m reminding myself that I have an internship this summer in Shanghai! I worked hard to get it, and I’m scared and excited! And yes, my depression and anxiety want to creep in yet again, and say things like:
“What if you hate it?”
“Won’t the language barrier be hard?”
“May this even be… dangerous?”
“I mean…the world is becoming an increasingly hostile place after all….”
“And won’t it be lonely?”
“And OMG I ALMOST FORGOT! ….What if you fuck up? What if you fail? What if you’re not good enough? Boy oh boy… you better just stay home in bed huh?”
But I’m a determined person. I don’t want to fail…and not only do I not want to fail, but I’m determined to achieve greatness in my life. The idea of going back to cafe jobs and retail makes me dread the future. AND YOU KNOW WHAT BITCHES? I FUCKING REFUSE TO DREAD THE FUTURE ANY LONGER. I grew up in Ohio during the recession. All I ever had was people being like…
“get your head out of the clouds!”
“You hate your job? WE ALL HATE OUR JOBS! Just be thankful you have one.”
“There are tons of unemployed people who would love to take your place!”
“And where do you think you’ll go anywhere? There’s no jobs in this country! You’ll just run off to a big city and end up unemployed and on the streets!”
“Why can’t you just be thankful.”
“Why isn’t this life enough for you?”
“The world outside Ohio is even scarier!”
“Risks are scary! And hard! Just don’t do it!”
(I’m starting to realize where my anxiety learned all it’s lines from…)
But guess what people. I am my own person and I can choose to do what I want with my life. And if I want to have my head in the clouds my whole life, dreaming of happiness, then god dammit, I’m going to!
And for all you Ohioans out there (you know who you are)… do you know where “having my head in the clouds” has taken me?
I’ve been able to go to college in Los Angeles
I’ve been able to live and work in Melbourne, Australia
And Auckland, New Zealand
It’s even given me the opportunity to be here at Harvard.
Also, on a random note: The Real Housewives series has also seemed to follow me from LA, to Melbourne, to Auckland…it’s been weird.
BUT ANYWAYS, YOU GET THE POINT!
There will always be people out there who put you down. Whether it be that they’re jealous of you, afraid that you’re a stronger person than them, or maybe even genuinely just believe you’ll fail (but that normally spawns from one of the first two.) And unfortunately, our brains are wired socially. So when we hear that shit enough as we grow up, depression and anxiety are likely to follow. So then, not only are you fighting those around you, but you’re fighting your own internalized sense of being failure.
So….. let’s devise a plan:
If negativity wants in so bad, LET IT IN. Invite negativity inside. Offer it a cocktail, an amuse-bouche with a complimentary aperitif if you will. Let that depression and anxiety get comfortable. Let all the harsh words from those who doubt you take a seat. perhaps lay out a few copies of Vogue?
“It’s the September Issue,” you can say, seeing at that is the pinnacle of Vogue’s year. “Anna lent me a copy early…she wanted my advice.”
A collection of photos from famed photograph David LaChapelle hang on the wall. This house really is the paramount of distinguished taste. Then, as everyone is enjoying the party, quietly walk outside into the cool night air. get int your car, and…
~ The Dark Horse