So, feel free to judge me. I have no shame. I was listening to Hanson on YouTube yesterday.
Deal with it.
Anyways, it gets even more embracing than that.
So, I’m watching a live recording of their song This Time Around:
And as I’m watching the video, I realize that I’m staring at the guy singing… holy fuck dude, he was so fuckin hot!
Look at him!
Look at the flawless skin. Those soft perfect lips. That perfect hair! That in-shape and healthy body. Look at that human perfection.
I’m 28. But I feel so much older. If anyone has read tis blog before you probably know, and for anyone who hasn’t, well, my past was filled with going through hell in my hometown of Ohio for being gay, running away to LA, only to wind up having sex on the streets for money, which did wonders for my mental stability, then I went to Melbourne where I struggled with anxiety, panic, and even became agoraphobic. I’ve been alone almost my entire life. Having to be an army of one. I’ve struggled with sex addiction. I struggle with my self-esteem. I feel alone all the time. And I fear I’ll never bee successful and that I’ll die alone.
On the inside, I’m not 28. I feel like a haggard 80 year old on their death bed. I don’t know how I’ve even managed to be such a horrible person. Or how I’ve managed to live this long.
And then watching this video, it just hit me. YOUTH. I never got to have a social life in high school. I hardly even had interaction with people my age. Nobody would speak to me. And then after high school when I went to LA… well, that wasn’t exactly my finest hour….
And Melbourne… I was collapsing every time I left my apartment. Who would want to hang out with me? How was I supposed to make friends when I couldn’t even walk to the grocery store without having a mental breakdown?
And now, in retrospect, I look back….
The “Prime years” of my life. The years where most people are stupid, innocent, and naive. The years when most people are their youngest, healthiest, prettiest selves. When all they want to do is have fun. Unaware of how cruel the world is.
All mine were wasted. Mine were filled with nothing but struggle, pain, and misery.
And now what do I do?
The “Best Years” that everyone spends the rest of their lives talking about are gone. I never had them. In fact I’m hoping that most people’s Best years, are the Worst that ever happen in my life.
ugh…. look at these little twats. They made so much god damn money off that fucking song…
Ugh… Im bitter today, sorry.
So, I guess this is something I need to learn to live with and accept. My past is the past. It’s over. I will never get to have carefree years or dog days of summer. I won’t ever know what it’s like go to a Prom or a college party. I won’t ever know the blissful feeling of truly thinking the world is an easy place where the biggest worries of your day is “What am I going to do this weekend.”
That isn’t my life. And I’m hoping that there’s somehow a strength in that.
I’m hoping that it means something, or leads to something.
I’m hoping that my experience, as crappy as it was, somehow provides me with some sort of insight that will make my life better in the long run.
But who knows…
All I do know is,
OMG WHO IS THIS ONE? He’s sooooooo sexy too!
God damn cute boys… motherfuckers should come with a *trigger warning* sign attached to them.
But uuugghhhh….. Long hair piano boy has that voice. OMG. This is hard. Who am I crushing on harder? I don’t even know anymore…
Ok, I’m actually really falling for guitar guy. He’s clearly The Man of brothers.
OH FUCKING HELL…. Please, take me anywhere, I shall follow!
Alright people, I’m gonna go cry and masturbate or something.
Keep on keeping on!
~ The Dark Horse
PS- OF course this wasn’t proofread, I’ve been lost in the surprisingly amazing **cough cough** voices of the Hanson brothers.