I’ve finally arrived.
I’m in the land of Joan Didion, Robert De Nero, and Anna Wintour.
And It’s so insanely exciting and cool and terrifying and thrilling and wonderful and stressful.
I mean, people, listen to me, I am currently writing in a cafe in Manhattan, surrounded by brownstones with iron fire escapes, and the sounds of honking and all the rest of those very New Yorkish things.
And obviously that sensory overload is good and bad. Sensory overload can lead to anxiety. And I’ll be honest, I’m getting a tad of it.
It seems like too much has gone right. I mean, who lands a good job in New York, finds an amazing apartment at a great price in a wonderful neighborhood, has good roommates, and…. is actually happy?
Does anyone else out there feel like happiness is one of those things that other people get, but the we don’t?
It’s like I’m waiting for the floor to drop at any moment.
Like, maybe this job will fall through. Or the owner of the apartment will sell, and I’ll have to move….or worse, what if I can’t find a place afterwards? And then I have to leave because the stress has caused me to have a mental breakdown and lose my job? It seems like I’m so used to pain and misery that I no longer have the ability to even believe that a good life exists.
It seems that whenever something good starts to happen, a hurricane alarm goes off deep within me. Some old sailor starts screaming, “Batten down the hatches!” I start to brace for the bad to begin again.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT FUCKING SUCKS AND IS UNFAIR.
And you know what else? I’m really fucking over it. Done. (Or for all you eighteen-year-olds out there, I’m #done).
It isn’t fair that I have to live a life convinced that I don’t deserve good things. Or think that I’ll never be happy.
And Fuck all the people out there who have conditioned me to be this way.
Fuck all the kids from my grade school who called me faggot.
Fuck all the kids in high school who spat on me, and who told me they’d beat me up if they ever saw me in the bathroom.
Fuck the teachers who stood and did nothing.
But double fuck the teachers who made comments themselves. I’m looking at you freshman year health teacher who told me I’ll die of AIDS simply for being gay.
And also to my old German teacher who was openly homophobic.
Not to mention EVERY SINGLE religion teacher I ever had, who told me I would go to hell.
Fuck my old boss at Aeropostale who made fun of me for having depression and anxiety. Im sorry that you’re a grown 37-year-old woman who’s life has amounted to working in a bumfuck mall in a cornfield in Ohio selling cheap clothing to little girls that fall apart after a month.
Fuck everyone in Ohio who discouraged me from dreaming big. Who told me the world would eat me alive. Who told me I’d never be good enough. Who told me I was stupid. Who told me I was ugly.
FUCK ALL OF YOU.
CUZ GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKERS,
I live in Manhattan now. And I just got a job in television. And I’m finishing up my Master’s where I’m putting together a book full of my essays.
So, here’s my cock. suck it.
I’m ready to embrace a life of meaning. A life where maybe I can even help change other people’s lives. A life where I’m happy and fulfilled. And I’m done even remembering what a bunch of boondock Ohioans tried telling me about life.
~ The Dark Horse