So, as I’ve stated before, I’m living in New York City and have somehow stumbled into the beginnings of a writing career…Something I never thought would happen.
It’s sort of like the beginning to every cheesy chick flick ever.
Chick Flicks that I know of where the lead character is a writer/works for a magazine: 13 Going on 30, The Devil Wears Prada, You’ve Got Mail, Ugly Betty, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sex and the City, Morning Glory….. The list goes on. Anyways, moving on….
The point is, things are…going well. People may even think I have talent. A recent article I wrote got picked up by Newsweek, The Miami Herald, Philly Magazine, Houston Chronicle, Yahoo News, MSN, Fox News, and tons of local CBS and FOX stations…it even aired on the news, like, on TV!
On top of that, I was sent on assignment to Mexico early this month, and have a trip to London in June.
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?
If you need some context as to how crazy this is, go back and read my posts from 2013, 2014, 2015, even 2016! I was agoraphobic. I was working in retail. I felt like the ugliest failure that ever existed. I always felt like I had talent. But I also felt like nobody would ever want to hear my voice.
I felt that I was an eternal failure destined to be the outcast until I died.
Ok look…I’m still the outcast and probably always will be. BUT, I’m an outcast who is becoming successful. And that’s worth something, right?
But, despite the growing success, I still feel anxious. And I’m starting to understand that the feelings of anxiety may never go away. I still have moments where I go “I really hope they like this article, cuz I don’t want to lose my job” or “I wonder if I’m going to lose my job someday because of the way writing careers are going…”
But, such is life in this industry.
Triumph normally requires risk. If I wanted career security, there are a lot of boring jobs I could have. I could go back to working for a phone company…cuz that was fun….(rolls eyes so hard they hurt)
But with accepting my anxiety, it also seems to help. Whereas I used to be convinced my life was falling apart, now I have moments where I get anxious and I feel the dread and fear that comes along with it. Then, I take a breath and remind myself that I’ve already been through hell. I’ve already felt what it’s like to have nothing. I’ve already been in a situation where I was having sex for money. I’ve already been completely alone.
I’ve already lived the life that I fear I’ll have to live if everything falls apart.
So what am I fearing? I survived it once, I could do it again.
But I don’t think I’ll have to.
I have a feeling…
A good feeling.
A feeling that things are working out. I think maybe it’s a mixture of hope and confidence…two things I’ve lacked in the past. The more stuff I get published, the more people want my writing, and the more people want my writing, the more secure I feel in my writing, which makes my writing better, which makes more people want it, which…
you get what I’m saying. It’s a positive feedback loop.
So, I guess the point is this – I felt that I was a failure FOR YEARS.
Again, go ahead and read this blog if you don’t believe me. I spent way too much time hating myself. I spent way too much time believing others that I was worthless. I spent too much of my life not living my life.
And while I still feel anxious at times, I’m not letting it control me. Anxiety is a fucking joke – it’s a cunt that will try everything it can to fuck you over. Don’t listen to that bitch.
If you need help because you’re feeling depressed, anxious, have PTSD, or any other issue – call your local lifeline (here is a list of all the crisis lines around the world)
And whatever you do. Don’t give up. You’re better than that.
Rock this shit out y’all!
(Who is this? Is this Nickleback or something? Hoobastank perhaps? Good lord…)
~ The Dark Horse
(No this wasn’t proofread. #SozBro!)