Fall is Apple Season! The Best Fiona Apple Songs for Autumn

We just had our official transition into Fall a few days ago, and October 1st is just a few days away. We are well on our way, chugging full speed into pumpkin pie, apple cider, horror movies, and Martha Stewart’s wreathes made from autumnal leaves and acorns.

Ah yes, Fall is the time for hearth-baked memories, cozy snuggle-wuggles, and of course, Fiona Apple. There is something about Fiona Apple music that just screams AUTUMN. I have been a huge fan of Apple’s since I first discovered Criminal in the 6th grade. Since then, she is my autumn playlist.

Here are some of the best Fiona Apple songs to get your Fall on. Ready for an Autumnal pun? … It’s time to fall in love with Fiona Apple…. Not funny? Well, I was also thinking about some sort of “Fiona Apple Cider” But that just didn’t work. SHUT UP! Stop making fun of me, and just listen to some great music:

 

Oh, Sailor

Oh, Sailor is the perfect combination of melancholy and bliss for the start of fall. Think late-September, early-October ran showers. When it’s still warm enough to have the windows open, but you can feel a definite cool rush of air fill the world as the rain falls down.

 

Paper Bag

That piano and the strange bass that lives within Fiona Apple’s voice.  This song is definitely for cloudy days when you’re wearing a jacket, watching the world slow down as it prepares for winter. There’s a pain to the song, which somehow seems to fit Fall perfectly.

 

Why Try to Change Me Now

An album dedicated to the music of Cy Coleman, Apple’s version of Why Try to Change Me Now is simply autumn in every way. Just listen to this song and close you eyes. This song is a coffeeshop, late October. The leaves are falling. You’re drinking something warm and most likely pumpkin-spiced. Don’t lie, you know you are. Accept it, admit it, and embrace it.

 

Criminal

Classic Fiona Apple. Classic 90’s. Classic angst. Just classic, simply, simply, Classic. This song takes you back to easier times. Back to pre-9/11 Autumns. Autumns before cell phones and twitter. Autumns when movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer were in theaters and you didn’t have to worry about a mass shooting every time you saw a movie….

 

Sally’s Song

Did you know Fiona Apple did a version of the classic Nightmare Before Christmas song? And did you know that it’s absolutely amazing? Throughout the month of October, this must be on your playlist. It captures the bleakness and creepiness that is October, and it’s a great way to get you ready for Halloween. Oh Fiona, you magical creature…

 

Frosty the Snowman

November can be tricky. It’s still autumnal, and yet, Halloween is over and the holidays are just a few weeks away… So what to do? Should you be celebrating autumn? Or preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Well… what if you could do both? Fiona Apple’s version of Frosty the Snowman is the perfect way to bridge the seasons. It’s a holiday tune that’s preformed in a classic coffeeshop style. So, this mid-November. Pick up a pumpkin spice or gingerbread latte, play this song, and enjoy autumn turn to winter.

PS – Did you read the news about Fiona Apple calling people out for sampling her music without credit or pay?  I’m #TeamFiona every day of the week! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

The Republican Cult

So, one of the big projects I did back in grad school was write a 30-page paper on cults. I interviewed cult members, scholars who wrote the academic books on cults, religious leaders, and people who specialize in de-radicalization.

The one thing that has always been in my mind since Trump became president is, Wow, this is just like a cult. Trump is insanely similar to cult leaders. He’s a complete delusional idiot that to most humans, seems nuts, but to a percentage, seems like a God. (Think Charles Manson, Marshall Applewhite, Jim Jones, David Koresh, and so on.  To most of us, just hearing them speak raises so many red flags…and yet they convinced people to kill others and/or themselves)

Also, Republicans no longer care about issues, or what’s right and wrong, they just care about Trump, and about feeling correct whether they are or not… just like cult members. Losing personal autonomy and becoming part of the “hive mind” is standard textbook cult stuff. It’s why Republicans have no problem with Trump making fun of a disabled reporter, asking his staff to break the law, mocking a teenager on Twitter, asking the Ukrainian President to dig up dirt on his political foes, and so on. Trump can do no wrong to them, because Trump has become their God. They now need Trump. Because they are nothing without him. It’s the same way cult leaders are able to convince people to run away to remote compounds with them, take up crazy diets and religious practices, and usually, to end up killing themselves. Republicans are nothing more than putty, waiting for their creator to mold them.

Today, I was walking to the store to get toothpaste, when suddenly, a Republican and his friend (whose affiliation I’m not sure) walked out of a Chipotle and cut me off.  So then I was walking behind them… here’s what I heard:

Republican: And you know what he said? You know what he said to me?  He was like, You’ve been brainwashed!

Friend: (Silence)

Republican:  And I was like… brainwashed?  What? How could he say that to me?

Friend: (Silence) 

Republican: And I’m like, I mean… it takes one to know one right? Like, the only way he could possibly know I’m brainwashed is if he is too right?

Friend: (Silence)

Republican:  That’s the thing with Democrats, they just think they’re better than everyone, like, even though they’re so wrong about everything! And then he calls me the brainwashed one! I can’t believe Democrats!

And that’s when I decided to take a detour to the store, because I couldn’t handle listening to a crazy person justify his insanity to himself. It was too depressing.

And for the record, OF COURSE non-brainwashed people can know if someone else is brainwashed. Otherwise, there’d be no way to study cults.

Yeah this whole freedom kids stuff that went on?  Anyone ever hear of the Hitler Youth? It’s been done before, and it’s just more standard cult shit.

Also, if you haven’t watched this yet, it is completely gross, and will make you feel dirty.

Here’s another great clip to watch, where Trump supporters blindly agree to the quotes they’re hearing when told they are from Trump, when really, they are from Hitler.

Is Trumpism possibly the largest cult in history, rivaled only by Nazism? It seems so.

America is fucked.

~ The Dark Horse

(no, this wasn’t proofread. I refuse to spend time proofreading when I’m talking about a dumpster like Trump)

 

 

 

Trans People on Dating Apps

 

Ok, so I hate to bitch about things again, but I’ve noticed a common trend with trans people lately on apps like Grindr, Tinder, and Bumble.

So it goes like this:

Their profile will be like, “I’m blah blah blah and interested in blah blah blah…. and btw, yes I’m trans, and NO it’s not my job to teach you about it. Go Google it on your own, this isn’t my responsibility….”

AND YES, I SEE THIS OFTEN.

So then I’m forced to respond (because, how could I not?) with, “Why do you think it isn’t your responsibility?”

And they’re always like… “What do you mean?”

And I’m like… “You’re trans, and oppressed minority who is demanding equal rights… So how the fuck do you somehow believe it isn’t your job to educate the country on trans people? It most certainly is your responsibility.”

And of course, then I get the…

OMG YOU TRUMP SUPPORTER!

TYPICAL WHITE MAN!

CIS WHITE PRIVILEGE!

SEE THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!!!! I’M OPPRESSED!!!

And then they say something like,

OMG THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!

WHY CANT I JUST BE ME!

I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE!

(which only makes me more annoyed)

So I’m like, “Look. I’m not anti-trans. However, this is insane. You wonder why half this country hates trans people? You wonder why they’re so uneducated? Why they’re so confused, hateful, and afraid? Well imagine not knowing a trans person, and then the only ones you meet are like, DON’T ASK ME QUESTIONS! IT ISNT MY JOB! JUST GO AWAY!”

I’m like…”You’re just fucking yourself and your cause over.”

AND THEN,  EVERY.   SINGLE.   TIME. The response I get is, “BECAUSE IT ISN’T FAIR THAT I HAVE TO DO THAT.”

And I’m like… listen cunt. NO SHIT! Of course it isn’t fair. Oppression, by definition, isn’t fair. But just because it isn’t fair doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth.

Can you people imagine if the black community was like, “Well, a bus strike would raise national attention and hurt the economy of the white man…BUT UGH… IT ISN’T FAIR THAT I’LL HAVE TO WALK TO WORK…SO I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT.”

I didn’t enjoy getting beat up as the gay kid in Ohio. It wasn’t fair. But it was the truth. It’s what happened. It’s how my hometown treated gay people.

Also, listen to yourself. If you don’t educate people on it… how many people will?  How many transphobic people will actually go and Google it on their own? And even if they do, they’ll probably search FoxNews or InfoWars or something which is exactly where you DON’T want them getting their news from.

ALSO, SPOILER ALERT HERE — The fact that you can say that is privilege!!!!!!!!

CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE BRO!

The fact that you can be like, I’m trans, but isn’t my job to fight for my own rights, IS PRIVILEGE. And I guess what, if you were in my hometown, you wouldn’t be able to act like that. Trans people in big cities and liberal areas like the coasts have no idea what actual oppression is. And your attitudes are only hurting LGBT people stuck in middle America who don’t have the privilege of living in an open and accepting area like you.

So, get your head out of your ass. Yes, life as a trans person is unfair. But this world is unfair. And those who hate you don’t care that its unfair towards you, so I’m not sure why you think simply saying “This is unfair” is going to change anything. THEY DON’T CARE. You, YES YOU, have to actually fight for it.

I, as a cis person, can defend you and can vote for liberal policies, but it’s highly unlikely that I can change people’s minds on trans people since I’m not trans. Unfortunately, it’s UP TO YOU. 

 

Why I Hate New York Coffee Shops

So, there are many reasons to hate coffee shops in New York. The first two are annoying, but don’t make me want to murder people like the last one… (more on that later)

 

First off, they’re always so busy. New Yorkers all get to work from home a lot (as do I, so I shouldn’t judge) so cafes and stuff are always full of people who don’t have to go to their offices. Annoying but manageable…

MORE ANNOYINGLY however, is that, unlike me, most of these other people who are “working form home” seem to have very little work to do. Especially now that I’m here in Williamsburg. To most people, “working” is opening their laptops, then sitting on Instagram. I imagine in their heads they’re like “I’m a social influencer, so checking my followers is my job…”

 

Even better is when they have drama. New Yorkers in coffee shops have SO MUCH DRAMA. When you’re wealthy and unemployed you literally have nothing to do but fight with your other bored rich friends. It’s the only excitement in their day. I’ll be sitting there typing up an article when suddenly I’ll hear:

“No. No you can’t do that. Look, I need this time for me! I’m very busy, I’m allowed to have some time to myself! No. No, three of my credit cards aren’t working, and I’m not sure why…”

(I think I may know why…)

“Well Jennifer is just manipulating you! That’s all she ever does. And I’m sorry, but you’re going to listen to her then there’s nothing  I can do. I’m at work… YES I AM. I’m busy working. I don’t have time for your childish problems!”

(Yes you do…)

It’s hard to work when that’s going on all around you.

 

But, making everything SO MUCH WORSE…In fact, THE ABSOLUTE WORST is the shitty fucking music they play. Listen up people, long gone are the days of the coffeeshop soundtrack. No more Sheryl Crow acoustics, no more light jazz. No more peace. No more quiet.

Coffeeshops are the new clubs, don’t you know that? And you will be forced to sip your morning tea while Ariana Grande blasts all around you.

Listen America, and please, government or police officers reading my blog and keeping tabs on the public, FEEL FREE TO USE THIS AS EVIDENCE. One day, I will lose my mind and kill everyone. And the culprit will be the awful music they play in coffeeshops.

It’s like the telltale heart. It’s maddening. It eats away at me. It all sounds the same. All songs bleed into each other now. Rap and hip hop have have merged with trance and house to create the new era of pop, which has, in turn, influenced country. And now, it’s just atonal thumpa-thumpas, meaningless and mediocre lyricisms, and repetitive nonsense.

Can you even tell when Halsey ends and Sean Mendez begins? Can you tell when Charlie XCX turns into Post Malone? I can’t. I literally can’t. 

 

AND to top it all off. They blast it as loud as they can. One coffeeshop in Williamsburg called The Butchers Daughter even has a DJ sometimes. Imagine this people… a DJ at a vegetarian cafe. I’m sorry. But, desperate. Pathetic. Overdone. so old hat. Is this 2005? When Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan declared that they were now professional DJs? 

Who can even be a DJ these days and not be embarrassed? It’s so passé. By now everyone knows (or should know) that DJs are just desperate spun-out drug addicts. Just ask Avicii.

Anyways, so that’s my problem with New York coffeeshops. They’re fucking annoying. They’re trying too hard. And the people within them are also trying too hard.

Thanks New York for ruining one of my favorite spaces to go. May an asteroid come down and obliterate you all.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

America’s Attention Span Is GONE.

So, this has been bothering me recently.

And I’m going to use the examples of three films to prove my point.

The first time when I really was like, “Wow, people’s attention spans have gotten so bad that I’m genuinely scared” was back in May when the new Godzilla came out.

For those who don’t know – Godzilla is about giant monsters destroying the world.

It isn’t exactly the kind of movie that makes people bored.

However, during the entire movie, cell phones were lighting up, people were leaving left and right to take bathroom breaks, people needed to go get snacks…. it was insane. I had never seen a movie theater so disinterested in a film ever. And I have been to many movies much worse than Godzilla.

Then, last month, the new 47 Meters Down came out, and again… It’s a shark attack movie.

It’s not something that screams BORING.

I asked my friend to go see it with me and he was like, “I don’t know…I don’t really see movies much. They’re just so long.” (Most teen movies are exactly 90 minutes these days. The runtime has become a complete science)

Not long at all.

I was like… I’m sorry, but this has become an era where a straight guy in his 20’s can’t focus long enough to watch girls in bikinis get eaten by sharks? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG SOCIETY THESE DAYS?????

 

AND NOW, The new IT just came out.

 

And granted, the runtime is close to 3 hours… but STILL! The remake of IT became the highest-grossing horror film of all time. It was critically acclaimed, and loved by audiences everywhere.

So, why would you want the sequel to be short? If it’s great, let it run for as long as it needs to! The reason why… Because people literally can’t fathom devoting 3 hours to anything anymore…Except for drinking, drugs, and social media.

These days people sit in bars and clubs all night, into the early hours of the morning, Monday – Friday. They also suck on Instagram like it’s their mom’s fuckin’ tit. But for art? For film? For something with a plot line?

For something that doesn’t give them an immediate high or feeling of popularity?

No.

Too much.

Can’t do it.

Sorry.

Fuck you humans, you’re trash. 

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

A Psychic Randomly Read Me…

So, I’m not making this up…

I had to interview a psychic medium last week for a story I was assigned. The story wasn’t about her though. It was about her father. I was to interview this woman to ask questions about her famous father who is now deceased.

So, the interview is going well, and I’m getting lots of good info about her father and everything seems normal. I’m not giving any personal info about me, and the chat has had nothing to do with me or her.

Out of the blue she goes, “And by the way, you need to stop worrying.”

I stop and pause.

I’m like… “What?”

She’s like, “Yeah, I know you’re always stressing about your life, and you worry about your future, but don’t. You’re a very talented person, and extremely smart. You can’t see it yet, but you’re working towards your goals, and you have some very big things ahead of you.”

I didn’t quite know how to respond. The conversation has been professional and about her father. Now, suddenly this happening.

I was like… “Oh. Um, thank you…”

Then, I swear to God, without missing a beat, she’s just like, “Also…hmmm… there’s a relationship coming. But maybe we should talk about that another time?”

I was like, “A relationship?!?”

And she’s like, “Yeah, you’re going to meet a boy. And he’s going to be really good for you. He isn’t going to hold you back. It’s going to be a great relationship.”

Now, look. I know anyone could make this stuff up, and I have gay voice, so she probably could have assumed I’m gay, but even so… think of how offensive that could have been? Like, calling someone gay isn’t something a stranger can just do, especially in a professional interview… that is, unless that stranger is actually looking into your future…

So then I was like… “Oh, I’ve never been in love before.”

And she’s like, “I know. And you’re not ready yet, and that’s fine. You’re working on yourself right now and your career, which is exactly what you should be doing. But I’m seeing like… a year, maybe a year and a half from now… you’re going to be in really great place.”

After the interview I had a chills, and they were running up and down my spine, and they wouldn’t stop. I had a moment where I legit had to ask myself, Did I just have a genuine brush with the supernatural? 

But, hopefully it’s true haha! I guess, we shall see in a year!

 

~ The Dark Horse