All posts by TheDarkHorse

I’m So Excited for The Holidays, I Can’t Handle It!

kid on christmas

So, I’ve found a new apartment, I’ve gotten my deposit back, and I’ll be moving out of my awful apartment on December 1st. Now, I can finally get back to what I really want to be doing right now… FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS!

OH, SWEET HOLY HONEY ON HIGH! I literally love the holidays so much it might actually be unhealthy.

kristin wiig

Oh my lord. I just can’t.  So, now that I’m a travel a writer, the holidays have gotten EVEN better. You know how every year you see stories like, “AAA released how busy the roads will be this holiday” and “Priceline lists the top Thanksgiving travel destinations of 2019”? Well, I have always LOVED those stories. I scroll through Google news endlessly, all through November and December, reading news about holiday travel. I’m obsessed with the madness! The hustle! The bustle!

And now… I GET TO BE THE ONE WHO WRITES THOSE STORIES!  When I saw the email from AAA earlier this week with their annual holiday forecast, I literally almost died. I was like… OMG this is my dream come true. I finally get to WRITE an article on the AAA Thanksgiving forecast! (They’re projecting about 51 million Americans will be traveling this Thanksgiving!)

 

Oh lord…. this is too much. I’m too excited. I can’t breathe!   Oh no! I’m hyperventilating!

excited SNL

Am I only person who goes on Google Maps, turns on the 3D mode, and then looks at airports around the country, dreaming of the absolute chaos that must be going on inside them during the holidays?

Is there anything better than knowing that after your exhausting day at the airport, you can go home, to food that was cooked by someone else, towels that were washed by someone else, and best of all… now that I live in New York, there is NOTHING BETTER than going to bed in a quiet house on a quiet street. You don’t get silence like that in NYC, so it feels simply magical when I go home!

kristin wiig excited

Oh god, I’m too excited! Ok, I’m going to make myself a chamomile tea and take a warm shower.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread, this was written through pure holiday mania!)

Revenge Part 3: The Shampoo

shampoo

The revenge must continue! For anyone needing a catch-up, here’s what happened: I found out my roommate was overcharging $300 in rent every month. I called him out on it, so he’s kicking me out. I have to find a new apartment by Dec. 1.

So, I’ve had no choice but to get revenge, because come on, what a douche.

This morning, I got in the shower and played Better Version of Me (the unreleased version) by Fiona Apple. It was morning, so I had to pee, cuz I always have to pee in the mornings. So I unscrewed my roommate’s shampoo bottle…

herbal essences

And I pissed into it. Messy? Yes. Gross? Yes. Revenge? You bet your fuckin’ ass.

And if you’re feeling bad for him, remember, since August he’s accumulated $1,200 in profit from me, simply for being my roommate. He isn’t a landlord or groundskeeper. He doesn’t pay for utilities or supplies… he’s just my roommate, who is robbing me.

So, the revenge will continue, all the way until I move out!

shampoo 1

~ The Dark Horse

Revenge Part 2: The Toothbrush

Close up shot of set of multicolored toothbrushes in glass on cl

The innocent toothbrush. After its invention, the oral hygiene of the human race was vastly improved. They’re pretty cheap, versatile, and can be used for so much more than just brushing your teeth…

Revenge is in full-swing against both, my roommate is overcharging me rent every single month, and my other roommate has become a total twatbucket once I decided to call my other roommate for overcharging.

So, this morning… it was glorious out. It’s Veteran’s Day. A holiday. A day for a nice slow awakening, relaxing breakfast, and a nice. long. shower.

I turned up the music in the bathroom so loud that nobody could hear what was going on in there. Before I got in the shower, as I blasted Hold Up by Beyonce, I grabbed my roommate’s toothbrushes…

beyonce hold up

…opened up the toilet bowl, and one by one, dunked them down inside and gave them a nice vigorous twirl!

Ah, the crisp refreshing feeling of revenge.

What can I say? I’m a man pushed too far. I tried to be nice. I even enjoyed living there. I had no problem with either of them. i even bought most of the soap and toilet paper… but it turns out i was being used.

And used I shall be not.

beyonce

Bam, biches!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

REVENGE: Part 1. The Plan

revenge

If you read my last post, you know… I just found out my roommate has been robbing me by overcharging me rent (by $300 each month).

To make matters worse, my other roommate who just moved in is suffering from some weird Stockholm Syndrome shit. I told him that we were both being overcharged (he’s only being overcharged $200 a month) and then suddenly he changed.

He stopped to talking to me and starting getting real chummy with the roommate who is robbing us.  It’s like, since he’s only being robbed $200 a month, he feels lucky or special. Like he’s favored. It’s super fucking weird, and I don’t get it. I’m like, THIS GUY IS STILL STEALING $200 FROM YOU EVERY SINGLE MONTH! YOU DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER! 

But, such is life… They’ve made their choices.

And so now, the time has come for me to make mine.

And I choose revenge. 

revenge gif

You don’t fuck with the Dark Horse. In the past, I’ve destroyed an apartment and stole my roommate’s PS3 (I was nice and gave it to my friend) for being an asshole. When I was in Shanghai, I pissed in the shower gel of the racist Americans I was there with. In my last apartment here in NYC, when I was living with that crazy Trump supporter, I bailed without paying him 2 months in utilities.

So… I’m just saying, you don’t fuck with me.

But now, I say…

revenge rhianna

I’m devising a plan, and I’ll be sure to keep you informed every step of the way.

And if you don’t think I’m a good person, that’s fine. I’ve never claimed to be enlightened. I’ve never claimed to be angelic. I’ve never claimed to be a pushover.

I can promise that if you don’t fuck with me, I won’t fuck with you. But sadly, this world is full of people who just want to take advantage of you… and so,

arson

carpe diem ya’ little cunts.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

I’m Being Robbed

roommate

So, just when I thought life was getting good. I was getting all excited for the holidays. Work was going well. But then…

Our hot water stopped working.

So, I go upstairs to the unit above me to ask them if they’ve lost hot water too.  We get to talking, and I discover that our apartment units are actually much cheaper than my roommate had told me.  Turns out, he’s been charging me an extra $300 a month.

So, I confront him about it, and he says I either have to pay the higher price, or move out. He feels entitled to upcharge the rooms. He think he deserves my money. He feels no remorse, and I’ve seen him advertising the room on Craigslist, and he’s trying to overcharge whoever replaces me too.

But, is anyone surprised? Would my life go any other way? Literally, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, things go wrong. I get fucked over. I get treated like shit. For 3 days now, we haven’t had hot water, and me and my roommate haven’t spoken.

I’m desperately looking for a new place to live. Once again…

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything going wrong. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of having no on there to help me, to support me, to care about what’s going on.

And so, it’s time to plot my revenge.

~ The Dark Horse

I Love Holiday Travel!

Holidaymakers Begin Christmas Getaway

Look, I understand that all you people out there are getting anxious and afraid of the dreaded holiday travel season that’s soon upon us. But I have a confession to make – I FUCKING LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT! 

I love the busy airports! The stressed out parents! The clink and clank of luggage! The erratic weather! The delays! Oh my god it’s all just too much fun!

giddy

I had my first Peter Greenberg sighting yesterday, which is the true sign of the coming holiday peter greenberg.jpgseason! The second that CBS throws their old grumpy Santa known as Peter Greenberg on TV to warn the public of the upcoming holiday season, you know it’s on! The arrival of Peter Greenberg is like opening the first window of your advent calendar.

Once he arrives on your televisions… there’s no going back.

But, why would you want it to go back? Don’t you just love it so much? Take this for example – A study was just released (because news agencies just love a good holiday travel study) and it said that Chicago’s airports have the highest rates of delays during the holidays! The study said that for Chicago Midway, only 63% of flights reach their destination on time, and Oh’Hare was on’y 65%!
OH HARK! Oh Glory! Just think of it! Think of the carnage and insanity that must go on within Midway airport during the holidays. And it’s only 3 weeks away!!!!!!!! 

In just 3 short weeks, it will be November 26th. And Chicago’s Midway and O’Hare airports will turn into the Hunger Games. Lives will be lost, only the strong will survive, and nobody will arrive to their parent’s house any happier than when they left. It’s just so wonderful!

Home Alone

Fun fact, Chicago’s O’Hare airport is where the famous scene from Home Alone takes place! Which, speaking of… Home Alone is all about frantic travel during the holiday season. It’s a true gem and deserves to rewatched year after year!

Home Alone Airport

Oh lord… too much holiday cheer, I feel faint! I need some sugars or a nice hot tea. But oh, how can I quit now? I think what I need to do is google “Holiday Travel” and then read every. single. article. 

Also, this year is extra special for me because, HELLO! I’m a travel writer now! This shit is may career! My industry! My life! I’m no longer a weirdo for following all this nonsense. Now… I’m a journalist! I get to write more articles that only further contribute to the insanity and fervor of the holiday season!  God damn, life is good!

Holiday travel is just the perfect combination of events – According to Travel Channel, 67% of America is planning on traveling this holiday season. That means, 219,224,000 people will be traveling ALL AT THE SAME TIME, right as winter begins, and snow and ice, and sleet, and slush are everywhere! Literally, the holidays are a perfect storm for absolute madness!

So cheers everyone! let’s lift our eggnog in a merry cheer and…

hunger games.gif

May the odds be ever in your favor. 

 

~ The Dark Horse