Category Archives: addiction

Life After Drugs

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So, if anyone has been reading my blog, my last post was about me getting crabs… So, that sucked.

Furthermore, the deeper issue is that I had a problem of releasing stress and numbing pain through sex.  You could say I have a sex addiction, some argue that it isn’t real, so argue that everyone is addicted to sex… who the fuck knows.  All I know is that I used it as a tool for escaping hard times…which, to most, would be an addiction.

 

But now the spell has been broken, reality has rushed in, and I’m left asking,

Where do I go from here? 

 

Sex isn’t the same now.  Now, every time I see a random guy, I ask myself… but what if he has crabs? … or worse, and STD...or even worse, HIV?    For anyone out there who has never looked down and seen bugs burrowed into their skin and living off their blood before… it’s something traumatizing.    I don’t want to go back to my old ways anymore.  It’s too gross and too risky.

But now it’s like…what to do?   Without sex to numb my loneliness, do I actually have to go out there and met new people?  Do I have to make friends?  Cuz, I don’t make friends.  It’s just never worked out well for me before.

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But, and as fucking horrible cheesy as I know this sounds, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I’ve started joining some groups on campus and opening my Saturday nights doing things rather than meeting random people.

I joined a board game group, which, I won’t lie, has been some serious fun.   I never knew I’d like hanging around the board game crowd so much, but it I have laughed so hard there and it’s been fun and constructive.

I’ve also really started taking charge in the LGBT group Im a part of.  I’ve started taking on more tasks and leadership and it’s been great!  Not only is it fun, but it’s a total resume builder for sure!

 

And you know what…I don’t need a fucking addiction controlling me.  Fuck that. (or i suppose I should say, I won’t fuck that… not anymore)

 

 

So you know what addiction …..

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…Go to hell.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

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The Importance Of Having Role Models With Mental Illness

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So, I just finished reading Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher, and it was actually a really great book!  One thing that i really loved was open and honest she was about her life.   She spoke so openly about her friend dying beside her in bed, and about how she used drugs to numb her intense emotions.   Granted, I don’t agree with a lot of what happened in her life (I don’t do drugs or drink, so the idea of my mom coming to me at age 13 and telling me to smoke up with her was incredibly strange), but that isn’t the point.

 

The point is that this woman is not only an amazing storyteller, but also shows one of the truest signs of overcoming your problems:  

The ability to talk openly and laugh about them! 

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This then got me thinking about how great it was to hear someone be able to be so free, and so open.  And also, how great it felt to just know someone is out there talking about their mental illness and making waves in our culture!

And so then I set out to find other celebrities who have been open about mental illness (whether it be PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression), and some of the things I found were a bit shocking!

 

And the answer is, shockingly few.   I found a few articles on HuffPost and Buzzed and stuff, where a celebrity says they get “anxiety” (cough cough) about something every once in a while or some other kind of bullshit like that,  but none of it seemed to be what I live through.  For me, depression and anxiety are these massive weights that pull me down everyday.  They are always there and always trying to ruin me.  That is why Wishful Drinking was such a great read.   It wasn’t Amanda Seyfried talking for one paragraph about how she sometimes get upset thinking about her son possibly dying or something.  It was real, life-destroying mental problems, and I loved reading it!

 

So there needs to be more talk about this stuff I think.   Mental problems of all kinds: Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, Bi-Polar, Panic, all of it!   We need role models out there telling their stories.  Telling us it’s going to be ok.  Letting us know there is a life outside our issues.    I hope to be one of those voices someday.  I know it will be a rough and long road, but there is a severe lack of this kind of talk in our society, I hope to change that!

  • So what do you guys think?  Where do you stand with how society views mental illness and do you think we need more role models?  Or do you know of any great stories about mental illness to read?   Feel free to tell me everything in the comments!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

(This was like 10% proofread!  ya baby ya!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fight Depression By Living Your Life

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So today was kind of shit.  I had plans to meet up with this guy I had been chatting with on Tinder.  I was hoping to make a new friend since Im living in a new city and don’t know anyone.  Long story short, he bailed and was a complete asshole about it.  And as any of you out there who are loners will know, I went and began going though all the thoughts in my head:

Why does this always happen to me?

What is wrong with me? 

Am I too ugly to have friends?

Too weird to have friends? 

Am I just a complete loser?

Will I ever have friends?

and blah blah blah, you spiral deep down into a hole that seems unbeatable.

 

But then I was like, you know what?  No.  Fuck this bullshit.  Im not falling prey to depression right now.  I just moved to Cambridge, I will not let that happen.

Chattanooga Area

So I got off my ass and went to a coffee shop (oh oh oh by the way, its nighttime right now and its the middle of January, and its cold and rainy… so i really DID NOT want to get off my moping ass and walk outside)   But I did.  I brought my new Bill Nye book, my journal, and my laptop and I told myself I was going to get a nice tea on a cold night.

And I actually feel way better.  I feel like a functioning real member of society, whereas if I was in my room in my bed right now id probably feel fat, lazy, detached, miserable, and like an eternal outcast.

And you know, there are tons of studies that say this is a great way to fight depression.  Simply by going out and doing something… ANYTHING, really.   The goal is to keep yourself from becoming a prisoner to your pain and misery.  The more you sit in your room and fester, the more you’re going to only have the energy to sit in your room and fester.

 

here is a helpful link to give you some more advice:

 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

 

 

Alright people, keep up the good work because your lives matter and you’re worth it!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

Depression, The Hidden Killer

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So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.

 

Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high.  What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.

 

So now myBut  hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”.   “Go find help, people are there for you”.     “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great.  I mean if you’re on heroin please get help.  Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.

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But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed.    My hometown is very conservative.   Its a shithole in Ohio.  Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal.  They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?

 

Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it.  My teachers watch and do nothing.  I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better.  To help people who are in a situation like mine.  I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend.  A mentor.   Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time.   Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with,  “Well its your own fault”.  “Stop drawing attention to yourself”.  “You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”.  “You have no talent”.   “Nobody Likes you”.   “you’re not worth it”.

 

But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you.   Stories in the paper about hope.  About not being ashamed to ask for help.   Free helplines to get immediate help.   Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation?   And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?

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This is why depression becomes a cycle.   A vicious horrible cycle.   And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well.   We know what its like for people to not care about us.  We know the story.  You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”.  Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems.   So we adapt.  We stop telling people how horrible we feel.  We stop sharing our feelings.

WE STOP TRUSTING OTHERS

 

Then we go internal.   We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.

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Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.

 

So dear world:

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED OF HELP THAT PERHAPS WE WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS OF PEOPLE DYING OF HEROIN?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T TURN TO ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN AND THEN RAM INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE SPEEDING HOME?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THIS IS THE DAY THEY CHOOSE TO DIE?

 

Hey, here is a side note to the common human, HAVE YOU EVER EVEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MAY BE LIKE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE SO MISERABLE? 

 

So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Don’t let yourself go.  Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it.  I know you’re feeling like people don’t care.  But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck.  They are so Plain Jane.   Don’t let their words effect you.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

Amy Winehouse And Mental Illness

amy

 

So last night my flatmates started watching “Amy”, the Amy Winehouse movie.   They invited me to watch it with them and a slew of thoughts and emotions flew through my head, including:

1.)  This movie will depress the fuck out of me because it going to hit way too close to home…

which led to the thought:

2.) Because I don’t want it thrown in my face that people’s mental illness can kill them because I already deal with that thought everyday….

which led to the thought: 

3.) Besides all you people loved Amy Winehouse when she was alive and refused to admit she needed help.  You all just kept saying stupid ass shit like “Her struggles made her a better artist”, and you saw her as a tragic hero rather than a tragic human who needed help.

which led to the thought:

4.) And now that she’s dead and she has a documentary, her life is a tragic and passionate story of a tormented soul who slipped through the cracks of society and is now loved by hipsters everywhere……Even though she was clearly in need of help the ENTIRE time she was famous

which led to the though:

5.) And why is that when a celebrity dies from mental illness they become a hero but when a normal person does they become a weak person who was either a drama queen or someone who just wasn’t strong enough for life?

which led to the though:

6.) And nobody cares about me or sees my pain…..

which led to the though:

7.) So I can see why people like Amy Winehouse let themselves go and give in to drugs, drinking, sex, or suicide.   Because nobody will ever care….

So I just said….”No that movie will be too depressing” and walked into my bedroom.

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So I’ll be open about this right here and now:  I don’t want to be alone forever.  I don’t want to die a miserable death.  I don’t want to die alone.   I want my life to be full and surrounded by people who understand and support me, and Im not afraid or ashamed to say it and neither should you.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Barefoot Contessa’s Recipe For Happiness

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Thats right people! America’s Sweetheart, East Hampton socialite, and gay men magnet, Ina Garten is here to whip up a little something special: Her perfect recipe for us to be happy!

Alright, so I think the first thing we need is: SELF RESPECT

Without self respect we become insanely vulnerable both to ourselves and others.   Without self respect we become easy victims to overeating, drug and alcohol abuse, letting people walk all over us, entering relationships with both friends and lovers who are probably nor really there for us…and so on and so on.  Without self respect where do we even begin?

What do you think about that Ina?

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…No Ina.   Good vanilla is great for a buttercream frosting but were talking about our lives here Ina!

….moving on.

 

I also think the next thing is FINDING HOBBIES YOU ENJOY

Now trust me, I know this sounds soooooo cliche but what else are we going to do?  As miserable people were already miserable (….duh)  And if we just sit around thinking about how miserable we are, all we do is make everything worse.  its a vicious cycle that feeds into itself.   We have to get up and do something!

 

Right Ina?

 

 

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Ina, are you eating?   Were supposed to be writing a blog post together about how unhappy people can become happy!!!!

 

…Rich people, WTF.

 

Number 3 is a hard one for some people.  And this is TO ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!!!!

Now look, if you need therapy DO IT!  Im currently in therapy and I love it!  I think its great!  If you can’t afford it well neither can I!   Your local university can always set you up with psychology services for almost free or free depending on the school.    If you’re ashamed to ask for help, well don’t be!   Do you know most celebrities go into therapy?   The most popular and loved people on the planet are in therapy so why shouldn’t we be doing the same?

Are you in therapy Ina?

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Oh…. well i suppose thats similar to a stress ball method?  Letting out some aggressive energy.  Thats always a good thing I guess….

 

Number 4 is to remember to STAY HEALTHY

This is one I always struggle with personally.  When I get really down its just so easy to stop going to the gym, start eating take out, and lay around in bed all day.

And all that really gives me is the feeling of being lazy, pale, fat, weak, and sickly.   Trust me, it never goes well.

 

Ina, what do you do to feel better when you’re down? ….

 

….Ina? …

 

….Hello?  You know, Ina, considering you run a blog yourself Im kind of shocked how bad you are at this…..

 

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EXCUSE ME MRS. BAREFOOT CONTESSA!  Are you working on your own blog?   Were trying to help people here!

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….as delicious as that sounds I really think we should focus on making a blog post…. about helping people?  Remember why were doing this?

 

Anyways… so where were we…. helping others!  Alright Ina next one is you, what should the next ingredient in the recipe for happiness be?

 

….Ina? …..Ina?????

Where did you go?

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INA GARTEN GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE THE NEIGHBORS ALONE! 

 

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INE GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

Ugh ok look, I have a middle-aged East Hamptonite running wild I have to go get her.  Just remember we all deserve happiness so do something for yourself today!  You deserve!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Sorry I don’t have time to proof read this, I have to go take Ina to the organic cheese and olive delicatessen before they close!

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