Category Archives: addiction

Depression, The Hidden Killer

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So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.

 

Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high.  What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.

 

So now myBut  hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”.   “Go find help, people are there for you”.     “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great.  I mean if you’re on heroin please get help.  Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.

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But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed.    My hometown is very conservative.   Its a shithole in Ohio.  Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal.  They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?

 

Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it.  My teachers watch and do nothing.  I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better.  To help people who are in a situation like mine.  I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend.  A mentor.   Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time.   Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with,  “Well its your own fault”.  “Stop drawing attention to yourself”.  “You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”.  “You have no talent”.   “Nobody Likes you”.   “you’re not worth it”.

 

But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you.   Stories in the paper about hope.  About not being ashamed to ask for help.   Free helplines to get immediate help.   Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation?   And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?

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This is why depression becomes a cycle.   A vicious horrible cycle.   And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well.   We know what its like for people to not care about us.  We know the story.  You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”.  Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems.   So we adapt.  We stop telling people how horrible we feel.  We stop sharing our feelings.

WE STOP TRUSTING OTHERS

 

Then we go internal.   We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.

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Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.

 

So dear world:

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED OF HELP THAT PERHAPS WE WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS OF PEOPLE DYING OF HEROIN?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T TURN TO ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN AND THEN RAM INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE SPEEDING HOME?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THIS IS THE DAY THEY CHOOSE TO DIE?

 

Hey, here is a side note to the common human, HAVE YOU EVER EVEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MAY BE LIKE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE SO MISERABLE? 

 

So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Don’t let yourself go.  Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it.  I know you’re feeling like people don’t care.  But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck.  They are so Plain Jane.   Don’t let their words effect you.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

Amy Winehouse And Mental Illness

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So last night my flatmates started watching “Amy”, the Amy Winehouse movie.   They invited me to watch it with them and a slew of thoughts and emotions flew through my head, including:

1.)  This movie will depress the fuck out of me because it going to hit way too close to home…

which led to the thought:

2.) Because I don’t want it thrown in my face that people’s mental illness can kill them because I already deal with that thought everyday….

which led to the thought: 

3.) Besides all you people loved Amy Winehouse when she was alive and refused to admit she needed help.  You all just kept saying stupid ass shit like “Her struggles made her a better artist”, and you saw her as a tragic hero rather than a tragic human who needed help.

which led to the thought:

4.) And now that she’s dead and she has a documentary, her life is a tragic and passionate story of a tormented soul who slipped through the cracks of society and is now loved by hipsters everywhere……Even though she was clearly in need of help the ENTIRE time she was famous

which led to the though:

5.) And why is that when a celebrity dies from mental illness they become a hero but when a normal person does they become a weak person who was either a drama queen or someone who just wasn’t strong enough for life?

which led to the though:

6.) And nobody cares about me or sees my pain…..

which led to the though:

7.) So I can see why people like Amy Winehouse let themselves go and give in to drugs, drinking, sex, or suicide.   Because nobody will ever care….

So I just said….”No that movie will be too depressing” and walked into my bedroom.

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So I’ll be open about this right here and now:  I don’t want to be alone forever.  I don’t want to die a miserable death.  I don’t want to die alone.   I want my life to be full and surrounded by people who understand and support me, and Im not afraid or ashamed to say it and neither should you.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Barefoot Contessa’s Recipe For Happiness

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Thats right people! America’s Sweetheart, East Hampton socialite, and gay men magnet, Ina Garten is here to whip up a little something special: Her perfect recipe for us to be happy!

Alright, so I think the first thing we need is: SELF RESPECT

Without self respect we become insanely vulnerable both to ourselves and others.   Without self respect we become easy victims to overeating, drug and alcohol abuse, letting people walk all over us, entering relationships with both friends and lovers who are probably nor really there for us…and so on and so on.  Without self respect where do we even begin?

What do you think about that Ina?

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…No Ina.   Good vanilla is great for a buttercream frosting but were talking about our lives here Ina!

….moving on.

 

I also think the next thing is FINDING HOBBIES YOU ENJOY

Now trust me, I know this sounds soooooo cliche but what else are we going to do?  As miserable people were already miserable (….duh)  And if we just sit around thinking about how miserable we are, all we do is make everything worse.  its a vicious cycle that feeds into itself.   We have to get up and do something!

 

Right Ina?

 

 

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Ina, are you eating?   Were supposed to be writing a blog post together about how unhappy people can become happy!!!!

 

…Rich people, WTF.

 

Number 3 is a hard one for some people.  And this is TO ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!!!!

Now look, if you need therapy DO IT!  Im currently in therapy and I love it!  I think its great!  If you can’t afford it well neither can I!   Your local university can always set you up with psychology services for almost free or free depending on the school.    If you’re ashamed to ask for help, well don’t be!   Do you know most celebrities go into therapy?   The most popular and loved people on the planet are in therapy so why shouldn’t we be doing the same?

Are you in therapy Ina?

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Oh…. well i suppose thats similar to a stress ball method?  Letting out some aggressive energy.  Thats always a good thing I guess….

 

Number 4 is to remember to STAY HEALTHY

This is one I always struggle with personally.  When I get really down its just so easy to stop going to the gym, start eating take out, and lay around in bed all day.

And all that really gives me is the feeling of being lazy, pale, fat, weak, and sickly.   Trust me, it never goes well.

 

Ina, what do you do to feel better when you’re down? ….

 

….Ina? …

 

….Hello?  You know, Ina, considering you run a blog yourself Im kind of shocked how bad you are at this…..

 

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EXCUSE ME MRS. BAREFOOT CONTESSA!  Are you working on your own blog?   Were trying to help people here!

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….as delicious as that sounds I really think we should focus on making a blog post…. about helping people?  Remember why were doing this?

 

Anyways… so where were we…. helping others!  Alright Ina next one is you, what should the next ingredient in the recipe for happiness be?

 

….Ina? …..Ina?????

Where did you go?

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INA GARTEN GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE THE NEIGHBORS ALONE! 

 

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INE GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

Ugh ok look, I have a middle-aged East Hamptonite running wild I have to go get her.  Just remember we all deserve happiness so do something for yourself today!  You deserve!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Sorry I don’t have time to proof read this, I have to go take Ina to the organic cheese and olive delicatessen before they close!

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I need Help, Im Depressed

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So over the weekend I hit a really low spot.   Even though Ive made so much progress in the past 2 years, I still somehow allow my shortcomings to destroy me.  This weekend was one of them.  I spiraled down hard and fast.  I was curled up lying on the floor wanting to punch holes in walls and kill the human race with an atomic bomb.

 

Im now sitting here sick.  I always always always get sick after I get really down like that.  I literally depress my body into illness.

 

So now I’m sitting and thinking of ALL THE THINGS i could have done that day instead.  Now I knowhow you feel when you’re down in a depressive hole.  You don’t want to do anything.  You don’t have the energy.  You just can’t stand to even move.

 

But sadly we have to.   its the only way to break the cycle .

 

So there is one thing that we all must do….. and its the worst fucking thing in the world…. we must seek people.

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Oh yes…. those annoying little things who will never understand how you and I feel are sadly the key to our happiness.

 

 

Yes…. its true…. its painful, its annoying and its true.

 

Do you remember Elsa in Frozen?

She built herself a beautiful castle in a secluded space to feel safe, to not deal with others, to keep others safe from her…..

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She was just alone, in a prison of ice in the middle of the mountains.

Now I don’t know about you guys but I know most days that sounds like a fucking blessing…. but lets look at that from a 3rd party perspective ok?

All of us with mental health issues are prisoners to our own minds.  Able to feel completely alone even in a giant crowd of people.  We are Elsa, living in our Ice Palace in the mountains.

 

So….. we must escape our prisons and interact with others.   Now look, I really don’t give a flying fuck about others at this point.  Most of them are shallow slobby assholes and THIS CAN WORK TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

DONT FEEL BAD OR EMBARRASSED TO OPEN UP TO PEOPLE!!!!!

I don’t care if you have nobody in your life. Walk into a diner, sit at the counter, look at the man next to you and JUST GO FUCKING CRAZY!!  Tell him every single insecurity you have!  Every reason why you’re so miserable!  

 

Exposing yourself to a stranger should make you feel like this:

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And you know… it might make the stronger feel like this:

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Tell them they’re doing a social service by listening to you. The end

 

But in all honesty,  humans are social creatures.  We need nurturing and love from others.  We need to grow and embrace others.  We just…well…. We just need others.

Have any of you ever seen Into The Wild?  Alexander Supertramp’s last journal entry says

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Just remember this is your one shot at life.  You probably won’t get a second one.   Who cares if it gets messy, dirty, embarrassing, and rough.  Try to make life better.  I know its an ongoing battle for me, but I really hope others out there keep up the fight 🙂

~ The Dark Horse

(Im sick….which gives me the expressed privilege to not proof read this post)

Alone On Valentine’s Day (Its OK To Be Bitter)

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Ah Yes, its that time of year.  That one day a year when EVERYONE who has a date just loves to tell everyone that they have a date.  The day where marriages that have lasted 50 years are rekindled once more, and when waiting girlfriends become excited fiancés.

Its also the day where lonely people like me sit in front of a TV watching chick flicks eating cookies and pie.  Watching those lucky assholes have the time of their lives.

Bunch of fuckin cunts.

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Ah yes my little lonely lads and lasses.   Its just another holiday in our year that reminds us  we are alone.

But perhaps this is the perfect day for venting, not sobbing?

Perhaps were are viewing Valentine’s day all wrong?

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For you see, Valentine’s Day is also the one day of the year where those who do have love are kind of obligated to sit there and listen to us single people bitch.

….get where I’m going with this?

The new goal for Valentine’s Day is to ruin it for the happy people of the world!  Yes…. yes yes yes!!!!!!!   Put your bitter face on bitches cuz its time to ruin some poor innocent happy person’s day!

hate4Put on your Hulk face its time to go ape shit!

See those happy people over there?  Having a nice little picnic in the park?

 HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NICE LITTLE PICNIC IN THE PARK????? NO!!!! OF COURSE NOT! 

Now run over there and ruin it for them!    Go on!  Pour their wine all over yourself as you stomp on their cute little sandwiches he made to impress her!   Awwwwww….. he even wrapped up the silverware in a cloth napkin just like a restaurant! …….GRAB IT!   YES YOU HEARD ME!   ITS YOURS NOW! You never know when you’ll need a spare fork and knife!

 

 

Oh, would you look at this beautiful restaurant?   He must have paid a fortune to take her here.   He must really want to show her how special she is…… assholes.

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OOOOOHHHHHHH She’s soooooooo impressed.    He’s probably gonna get lucky tonight huh…..  Oh wait but look, you’ve decided to serve them the main course yourself… GO ON!  WALK OVER THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT THEY WILL BE EATING TONIGHT!

 

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MWUAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!    Now at the top of your lungs scream PIGFUCKERS!!!!!!!  and then run out of the restaurant in the most delightful and disturbing way possible!

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But in all honesty, we shouldn’t ruin a good Valentine’s day for someone else.  But sometimes its nice to imagine it.  Get some of that bad energy out using our imagination.

One thing I do want to let all of you know is that you’re not alone…..  Well i mean you are…. but I’m alone too…. so you’re not alone in the fact that you’re alone?  get it?

If anyone out there is having an absolute awful day call these numbers:

for the USA call the Crisis hotline: 1-800-233-4357

For Australia call lifeline: 13-11-14

For New Zealand Lifeline: 0800 543 354

For all other counties find your crisis line here:

International Crisis Hotline Listings

Please Note:  None of these lines are for suicide only!   Anytime you’re having a really bad day or suffering an episode of ANY KIND:  depression, anxiety, mania, panic attack  ANYTHING!!! They are there to help!  Trust me, in my lifetime I have called all these numbers and you should never be afraid to!

~ The Dark Horse

…..this post wasn’t proof read,  why? ….because its Valentine’s day bitches.

Why Can’t I Find Peace and Happiness?

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So, I’ve been down the past few days.  Its summer here in the Southern Hemisphere, and its got me thinking of summers back home in Ohio.

More specifically, Summers when I was in high school and college.

Everything used to be so easy.   (well, actually everything was quite hard, I got made fun of in school all the time, nobody ever believed in me, and I couldn’t really talk about anything to my family).

But I had hope.  I had hope for a better life.  I thought one day I was going to make friends, find love, go on adventures, and have an impact on the world.

 

I remember those summer nights sitting outside looking out at Lake Erie. Looking at the vast blackness with the twinkling lights of the freighters in the distance.  Just thinking about how great life was going to be once I finally made it out of Ohio.  Once I got just a little older….  Just a little better….. Just a little more attractive….  Maybe people would like me and Id start having a fun exciting life like everyone else.

 

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On the edge of the river that leads into Lake Erie we have a big oil refinery.  I remember sitting out at the lake looking at it from a distance, imagining that those lights from refinery was the skyline of big city.  A city full of excitement, full of adventure, and filled with people who would become my friends.   Id listen to the soft waves break into the rocks I was sitting on.  The hot summer night air.  The flash of a lightning bug.   The smell of living foliage in the air that makes summer smell so good.    Everything was supposed to get so much better.

 

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Im still looking for my piece of the world.  Im still looking for those good people who will become my friend.  Im still looking

10 years have gone by since I was that 16 year old sitting out looking at that lake.  Ive been to so many places and have seen so many things.  But it seems I’m still that 16 year old.  Still looking for my place in the world.  Still hoping there is reason to keep going .

Im actually in tears right now writing this.   Thinking of how much hope I used to have.  How many dreams I used to have.   I used to think the world was such a good place.  That it was filled with good people.  I used to think my life was going to go so much better than it did

I never thought I was going to have a sex addiction.  I never thought I was going to have anxiety attacks.  I never thought that I was going experience fear.   When you’re young you just don’t know how bad the world can be.  You don’t know how low you can go.   You’re so innocent.  You’re so brave because you don’t know everything can fall apart in an instant.

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Im on the other side of the planet.  Completely alone.   Im trying so hard to stay brave.  Im trying so hard to be the person I always wanted to be.  A person that 16 year old me would have thought I could be.

I don’t know if any of you out there know what its like to go your entire life without a good friend.  Without someone to talk to.   Or what its like to have never been in love, or even out on a date.

I just wish I had someone I could trust enough to just break down in front of.  Someone who will pick me up when i collapse.   Fuck, id be fine with even someone who actually believes me that I’m in so much pain.   Im so tired of being called a drama queen.  Being told that I need to get over it.

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To anyone out there with good friends, love them.  Don’t ever take them for granted.  Send them a text right now or even call them.  Tell them how tankful you are that they are there for you and that you’re not alone.    If you have a family near you who loves you, go have dinner with them tonight.   Spend as much time with them as you can.   You never know when you’ll never see them again.

As for me, well I still have hope.   I still hope my life will get better and I hope I make friends and find love and have adventures.   I hope this blog takes off and I can write books and tell people about the things I’ve learned in life.   I hope I can be a good influence on the world.  I hope everything just gets better.

 

~ The Dark Horse.

This wasn’t proofread at all.  I was crying for most of this post so I’m not sure how well any of this was written.