Category Archives: adulthood

When Everything Falls Apart

cape town

So, for anyone just catching up with this blog, I’m now a travel writer, and I love it.

The holidays were great, and making them even better was that I was riding on a cloud knowing that at the start of the new year, my next assignment was to take me to South Africa. Safari, cage diving, snorkeling, biking through vineyards, hiking….all of it. It was going to be the trip of a lifetime. I have never been to Africa before and I was so excited to visit “the cradle of life.” I mean, after all, it’s where the entire human race has its origin. I think it’s an important place for everyone to visit.

But then, America (along with Israel and other countries) placed a travel advisory on the country due to high levels of violent crime. And then, everything went to shit in Iran, and now Americans are being advised to be cautious when traveling anywhere. And so South Africa was like… you know what, we’re just going to put everything on hold for right now.

So I lost that opportunity.

And the backup trip for me was to Puerto Rico, which, not as exciting as South Africa, but it’s a gorgeous island in the Caribbean, and I could be escaping winter… so, YES PLEASE!

puerto rico

But then, the earthquake happened and aftershocks are continuing still… So Puerto Rico was like… you know what, we’re just goin to put everything on hold for right now.

And granted, this isn’t the worst thing in the world. It just means that until I get the next trip lined up, I’l be writing articles from the office. Which, trust me, I fully understand that my life could be so much worse. But still, when you get excited for something and you start getting all prepared, and then it all suddenly collapses… it sucks.

And it’s weird because, you know how there’s just a different feeling when you’re getting excited for something? Like, when you’re living in anticipation, knowing that something big is about to happen, you’re just kind of living on cloud 9 the entire time… That was me this month. I was just like, anything can happen and I’ll get over it, because South Africa is in my future. 

bored

And then, you come back down to reality.

So what to do? What do we do when things fall apart? When plans fall through? When we got our hopes up for something that didn’t end up happening?

Well, here’s what I’m doing to make myself feel better. Maybe this could be helpful for you too.

~ Treat yourself: I bought myself a slice of tiramisu, because why not? 

~ Don’t give up: I immediately had a meeting with my editor to scope out new trips to replace South Africa. One setback doesn’t mean the end of the world… it’s simply a setback.

~ Spend a night being mad and dramatic: The day I found out that South Africa was cancelled, I spent the night eating Thai takeout watching a horror movie, and then did some seriously immature journaling about how much I hate the world… and you know what, it made me feel better, so fuck off.

dramatic

So there ya go, hopefully that gives you some ideas of what to do the next time your plans fall through. And who knows, maybe this was for the best?  Who know where my next trip might take me?

~ The Dark Horse

(#SoNotProofread)

 

 

 

 

 

Revenge Part 3: The Shampoo

shampoo

The revenge must continue! For anyone needing a catch-up, here’s what happened: I found out my roommate was overcharging $300 in rent every month. I called him out on it, so he’s kicking me out. I have to find a new apartment by Dec. 1.

So, I’ve had no choice but to get revenge, because come on, what a douche.

This morning, I got in the shower and played Better Version of Me (the unreleased version) by Fiona Apple. It was morning, so I had to pee, cuz I always have to pee in the mornings. So I unscrewed my roommate’s shampoo bottle…

herbal essences

And I pissed into it. Messy? Yes. Gross? Yes. Revenge? You bet your fuckin’ ass.

And if you’re feeling bad for him, remember, since August he’s accumulated $1,200 in profit from me, simply for being my roommate. He isn’t a landlord or groundskeeper. He doesn’t pay for utilities or supplies… he’s just my roommate, who is robbing me.

So, the revenge will continue, all the way until I move out!

shampoo 1

~ The Dark Horse

Revenge Part 2: The Toothbrush

Close up shot of set of multicolored toothbrushes in glass on cl

The innocent toothbrush. After its invention, the oral hygiene of the human race was vastly improved. They’re pretty cheap, versatile, and can be used for so much more than just brushing your teeth…

Revenge is in full-swing against both, my roommate is overcharging me rent every single month, and my other roommate has become a total twatbucket once I decided to call my other roommate for overcharging.

So, this morning… it was glorious out. It’s Veteran’s Day. A holiday. A day for a nice slow awakening, relaxing breakfast, and a nice. long. shower.

I turned up the music in the bathroom so loud that nobody could hear what was going on in there. Before I got in the shower, as I blasted Hold Up by Beyonce, I grabbed my roommate’s toothbrushes…

beyonce hold up

…opened up the toilet bowl, and one by one, dunked them down inside and gave them a nice vigorous twirl!

Ah, the crisp refreshing feeling of revenge.

What can I say? I’m a man pushed too far. I tried to be nice. I even enjoyed living there. I had no problem with either of them. i even bought most of the soap and toilet paper… but it turns out i was being used.

And used I shall be not.

beyonce

Bam, biches!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

REVENGE: Part 1. The Plan

revenge

If you read my last post, you know… I just found out my roommate has been robbing me by overcharging me rent (by $300 each month).

To make matters worse, my other roommate who just moved in is suffering from some weird Stockholm Syndrome shit. I told him that we were both being overcharged (he’s only being overcharged $200 a month) and then suddenly he changed.

He stopped to talking to me and starting getting real chummy with the roommate who is robbing us.  It’s like, since he’s only being robbed $200 a month, he feels lucky or special. Like he’s favored. It’s super fucking weird, and I don’t get it. I’m like, THIS GUY IS STILL STEALING $200 FROM YOU EVERY SINGLE MONTH! YOU DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER! 

But, such is life… They’ve made their choices.

And so now, the time has come for me to make mine.

And I choose revenge. 

revenge gif

You don’t fuck with the Dark Horse. In the past, I’ve destroyed an apartment and stole my roommate’s PS3 (I was nice and gave it to my friend) for being an asshole. When I was in Shanghai, I pissed in the shower gel of the racist Americans I was there with. In my last apartment here in NYC, when I was living with that crazy Trump supporter, I bailed without paying him 2 months in utilities.

So… I’m just saying, you don’t fuck with me.

But now, I say…

revenge rhianna

I’m devising a plan, and I’ll be sure to keep you informed every step of the way.

And if you don’t think I’m a good person, that’s fine. I’ve never claimed to be enlightened. I’ve never claimed to be angelic. I’ve never claimed to be a pushover.

I can promise that if you don’t fuck with me, I won’t fuck with you. But sadly, this world is full of people who just want to take advantage of you… and so,

arson

carpe diem ya’ little cunts.

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

I’m Being Robbed

roommate

So, just when I thought life was getting good. I was getting all excited for the holidays. Work was going well. But then…

Our hot water stopped working.

So, I go upstairs to the unit above me to ask them if they’ve lost hot water too.  We get to talking, and I discover that our apartment units are actually much cheaper than my roommate had told me.  Turns out, he’s been charging me an extra $300 a month.

So, I confront him about it, and he says I either have to pay the higher price, or move out. He feels entitled to upcharge the rooms. He think he deserves my money. He feels no remorse, and I’ve seen him advertising the room on Craigslist, and he’s trying to overcharge whoever replaces me too.

But, is anyone surprised? Would my life go any other way? Literally, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, things go wrong. I get fucked over. I get treated like shit. For 3 days now, we haven’t had hot water, and me and my roommate haven’t spoken.

I’m desperately looking for a new place to live. Once again…

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything going wrong. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of having no on there to help me, to support me, to care about what’s going on.

And so, it’s time to plot my revenge.

~ The Dark Horse

Embracing The Evil Within

joker

So, I have a confession for everyone, and, judge me if you must... But, during hard times, one of the things that really helps me get by is embracing my inner super villain.

That’s right. Sometimes just being straight up evil helps make me feel better.

When I get lonely, or when I see everyone else having fun without me, I sit there and go… What if a giant meteor came and slammed into Central Park right now, obliterating all these people into dust. 

dead like me

And then a smile comes across my face. And I get a little less lonely. (Also, easter egg for any fellow Dead Like Me fans out there!)

 

Oh, oh oh!!!!!!! AND MY ULTIMATE FANTASY, I want to be like Aquaman (hot blonde Aquaman, not overly buff drag queen Aquaman)

 

                                       No thanks.                                   Yes please. 

 

Anyways, so I’d be like Aquaman….but as a villain!

OH, THINK OF THE FUN I COULD HAVE! 

Ok, imagine this…. It’s spring break,

spring

Slutty hos, and douchey bros line the beaches, having their pathetic fun…

 

But…do they know that I’ve summoned a giant swarm of sharks? 

meg

Sure, they can try to swim away…but really, with 500 great white sharks surrounding you, where exactly do you think you’re going to go? 

jaw

Suddenly, the attacks begin. And once everyone knows what’s going on…

It’s already too late! 

MWUAHAHAHA!

jaws

Oh, it’s so sadistic, it’s simply perfect! 

 

Think of it – First, people become afraid of the oceans. Giant swarms of shark attacks have become normal. But everyone thinks rivers and lakes are still safe, but bull sharks can live in freshwater! Suddenly, in places like the Mississippi River and the Great Lakes, giant shark attacks begin to take place. The entire human population won’t go anywhere near water. The pumps that suck in water begin to clog with algae because nobody is cleaning them… the human race begins to suffer from dehydration and famine.

Then, I come forward, revealing that I control the oceans. And I demand 5 things to make the attacks stop:

1.) I want a roller coaster built. The longest roller coaster in the world. It will span across state lines, it will be an incredible 5 hours of ride time, and it can’t be wooden, because that will hurt.

2.) Obviously, I’m now emperor of the entire world and Zac Efron has to quit acting and become my personal sex slave.

3.) US airlines must remove economy seating, because it’s just fucking miserable. Business class for all!

4.) Every Friday at 9pm the entire world must shut down, and the entire population must go to the local movie theater to view classic horror films – Scream, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw, Creepshow, House of 1000 Corpses, all of them. Every Friday until the end of time. This will surely make the human race a better one.

5.) The TV show Strangers With Candy will be renewed for another 5 seasons. The Avengers will be remade, in which every character dies 5 minutes into the first film, thus sparing us from a series of atrociously boring movies. And lastly, anyone who watched Game of Thrones must personally submit a 500 page to me, declaring that the show was stupid and waste of their time and that they’re sorry to everyone for making us have to listen to them go on and on about it for almost a decade.

 

You have my demands…. the choice is yours.

~ The Dark Horse

(No, this wasn’t proofread. Emperors of the world don’t need to proofread. Oh! That’s another one of my rules. I no longer have to proofread anything ,ever!)