Category Archives: adulthood

I Long To Be The Younger Me Again

Feb 2010 Campus Scenes

 

Does anyone else out there look back on their past and wish they were young again?  I mean, I didn’t even like being young.  My life has been a raging shitshow since about age 10

But at the same time, there was the spark back then.  This magic all around me. 

I believed that everything was going to work out.  I thought that one day I’d fly away and be surrounded by people who loved and cared for me.  When I was 20, I was so much more jaded than any other 20 year-old around me, but now, at 27, I’m even more bitter and jaded than I thought humanly possible.

 

This one memory has been popping back into my head for about a month now.

It’s the memory of being twenty years old and being back in undergrad.  Back at a school called Loyola Marymount University.

LMU1

Loyola Marymount is located in sunny Los Angeles and it’s campus is beautiful and pristine.  Being from working class Ohio, I always felt completely out of place surrounded by all the kids from the OC and the Bay who drove their BMWs and Range Rovers around campus.

Back then I hated that school.  I had no friends.  I didn’t connect with the coke-snorting millionaires from Laguna Beach who partied in WeHo rather than did homework like me.   It was so isolating and lonely.  I remember it was so bad that I moved to Westwood to live with UCLA kids.   Then I had about a 2 hour bus commute every day there and back on the Santa Monica 3 bus line.

 

lmu3

 

And yet, these days, I look back and miss those days.  I miss being in undergrad. I miss being that young.  I miss looking out my classroom windows and seeing palm trees and the LA skyline.

But you know, what I really miss is being surrounded by peers.  There is an experience in undergrad that you’ll never get in anything else you ever do in life for as long as you live.  Its you, being young, and being surrounded by a bunch of other young people.  There is just this feeling like a new friend could be around every corner. Maybe a potential boyfriend is sitting next to you in class.   You just always think that something good may be coming.

So that’s what I’m remembering.  I keep thinking of sitting in this history class I had.  There was this really cute straight guy who sat next to me.  I used to sneak looks at him when he wasn’t looking.  And sometimes, he’d catch my looking and I’d smile like as I was just looking around the room and happened to make eye-contact with him.  He’d give me this bro-like “sup” motion with his face.

AudreyMa_LMU_2015_1520

I’ll never have that again.   I’ll never feel like a new friend is around every corner.  I’ll never feel like I’ll fall in love ever again.   I just rot.  I just got older and more isolated and my body crumbles and fades with age.

You’re only young once.   After that it’s all over.  Now, everyone is settling down, getting married, getting fat, plopping into their 9-5 (which in America has quickly turned to the 8-6), and they wash their adulthoods away at bars on the weekends talking about life as “grown ups” as they discuss buying homes and other such bullshits.

I think I actually hate them more now.  At least back when we were 20 and they didn’t have anything in common with me, I could still have some eye candy.  But now, that glow of youth that all the hot guys used to have has been replaced with a growing belly and back hair.   I wonder how they look at themselves in the mirror everyday without wanting to commit suicide.   How far they’ve fallen.

lmu6

But despite how awful life becomes, I will still have my memories.  At nighttime as I sit in my bed unable to fall asleep, I close my eyes, and think about my past.  I replay those days at LMU on loop in my head.  My bedroom provides an escape from my present.  I’d rather be lost a delusional fantasy of what my life used to be, than sit in bed at night and dwell on how it only continues to get worse.

lmu7

Anyways, does anyone else feel that way?  Does anyone else feel like even though life was never good, it was somehow less bad when you were young?

And where do we go from here?

~ The Dark Horse

(This was…perhaps 30% proofread?)

Advertisements

Dear Mom and Dad (A Letter They Will Never Read)

cab

 

Dear mom and dad, Im writing this because I know you’ll never read this.    I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, after leaving you at the airport, I arrived safely in Cambridge.   I will begin school next Monday and honestly, Im so excited.

 

I know that I never ever tell you this, but I love you both so much.   You guys have done so much for me and have made so many sacrifices.    Granted, we rarely see things eye-to-eye, and I know you guys don’t get me and my dreams.   But I don’t blame you.   We’re just different types of people and thats fine.

As you both know, I move around a lot.  And Its because I’m trying to find myself.   I have this deep need to be better.  To achieve greatness.  To try and take the world by storm.    But at the same time, I’ve been deeply hurt in my life.  From people who don’t get me.  From people who don’t want watch me succeed.    And in part, I suppose I have left their words and actions affect me to much.  Furthermore,  I can tell you both that it does get lonely when you constantly restart in new locations.  And I do miss you.   And I do have times where I just want to hop on a plane and come home.

 

The reason I never mention any of that to you is because I have too much pride.  I don’t want you guys worrying about me.  Fearing for me.   I don’t want you to know that Im not superhuman.   They say that every child has that moment where they realize their parents are only human.  Merely two flawed Earthlings.   When I found that out about you guys it broke my heart, and so I never want to make you two go through that same thing.

 

 

However, there is good news too.  I have really good hopes for this!  I think my intentions of going back to school are pure.  I almost feel a sense of innocence again.  Kind of like how most kids must feel when they start undergrad.  A blind-hope.  Some kind of just pure happiness and a thought things are about to be awesome.   I think I’ll learn a lot at Harvard.  I think I’ll be challenged.  Be bettered.   I have this sense of optimism and hope.  A feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now…. a feeling I haven’t had in a very long time.

 

 

One day I hope that I can make you both very proud to be my parents ( I know you already are )   But still, I don’t feel proud to be me yet… Maybe thats what Im really hoping for.  And thats something Im never able to tell you.  That I feel like a failure.   I feel like a pathetic and complete failure.   I thought I would be so much more at age 27 than what I am.

 

But again, right now I’m feeling good.  Im feeling hopeful.   Im feeling optimistic.  And I just wanted to let you both know how much you mean to me.  How much I miss you every time I leave, and how grateful I am for your love and unending support.

 

~Love your son, The Dark Horse

The After-Christmas Blues

ch

 

Ugh….  The Christmas music is gone.  The family has all parted ways… The presents have been opened… and now here we are.  Stuck with the post-christmas lows.

 

Its always weird for me.   Everyone always acts so busy at the holidays.    Like, “Oh I just couldn’t possibly stay any longer, I just have so much to do I have to go right now!”

Does anyone else feel like thats how everyone is?  Even at the family Christmas there are people who come, eat the food, and then are like, “Ok everyone we have to go, bye!”.   And I’m like… Where exactly is everyone going all the time?

If you’re going to come into town Christmas eve night and leave at 8am the day after Christmas what exactly are you even coming home for?     Like, seriously people… if you’re lives are so full-on that actually breaking away from your job for JUST 1 DAY  is now a chore, don’t come home!

ch1

 

But as I grow older thats how life has become.   Christmas is this whirlwind now consisting of 1 day.  Where I hear nothing but family complaining about how tired the holidays make them, how busy they are, how quickly they have to rush out right after Christmas…. and then before you know it, its December 26.  Everyone is gone.  The mad dash to go somewhere else is in full-swing.

We spend 2 months putting up lights, listening to Christmas carols, buying presents, baking cookies….. all for one day where EVERYONE ON EARTH just complains about how tired these two months have made them.  How they’re just too stressed right now… and how they have to leave immediately.

Well human population:  You’re negativity, lack of enthusiasm, and commitment to your jobs which must be working you 60 or 70 hours a week with how much you complain about them, has left me now tired, depressed, and empathetic.

Your Christmas has ruined mine.  I hope you’re happy.  

And now you’re all gone.  Back to your jobs which you hate so much.   Back to paying off your mortgages, your kids, your cars, and the presents you couldn’t afford.    You’re back to living your lives you complain about so much.     And Why? 

ch2

Now don’t get me wrong.  Im not some unemployed welfare muncher.  I work as well.    And no, I don’t like my job.  But you know what people, I’m doing sometime about it.  Im going back to school.  Ive never invested in things that would keep me tied down to consumerist culture like buying a house, buying the newest car, or  the crappy gadgets that don’t do anything (talkin’ to you fitbit and apple watch people).     Because without having any of that hanging over my head I’m free to switch up my life.  Im free to change things.  Im not tied down.  I don’t have anything looming over my head.   I am not happy with my life, and therefore I am changing it.  You people are not happy with your lives, and yet you just sit in your filth.   You tie yourself down.   You get stuck, trapped, and captured.

Then this one time of year comes around meant for family, fun, and friendship.   It could be so beautiful.  The lights, the trees, the time spent together….but no.   Instead you’re so frazzled that the holidays have become a pathetic spectacle.   Christmas is now just one more day in your life that has clearly become so boring, so routine, and mundane that you just could’t give a fuck anymore.

And thats sad.     And it makes me sad.    And what makes it even worse is that you’re all convinced thats just how life is.   Working a job that doesn’t really make you happy is something you believe everyone just does.    Buying too many presents for people who don’t actually need them is just part of the season.   Getting fatter and fatter every year is just part of getting older…and so on and so on.    If your 15 yr old self saw you right now, what would they think?

Apparently to most of you, adulthood is the end of your life.   All you have is the memories of your youth now.

I don’t want that as my life.    And I’m sorry that so many of you have let that become you.

Sorry for the horribly negative post, just something Ive been noticing.

~ The Dark Horse

Donald Trump Is Not My President

house

Standing up and fighting for your rights to live in a free country is an extremely important thing.

Right now I’m stuck living back in my hometown in Ohio.  The trash dump, redneck, backwoods of the USA.  Everyone I work with voted for Trump.   You will see people with giant Trump signs still in their yard (one man even string Christmas lights around his so it can now be seen from space).  The democrats here are still conservative by New England standards.    Basically there are two types of people here:

1.)  Crazy Trump supporters who just can’t wait for the Muslim registry to begin

2.) White democrats who don’t actually Trump enough to stand up to him  (Life must be so easy to be a straight, white, Christian huh?)

 

But I want to make it known that Im against Trump.  Granted, my one voice may be pointless. But perhaps multiple voices can come together and make change.

house1

 

Now for any Tump supporter I ask you, why did you vote for him?   (Honestly, feel free to respond in the comments section).

With all the racist, sexist, and cruel things he has said?

With his VP being an insane homophobe?

With Steve Bannon, a complete neo-nazi, on his cabinet?

With his crazy Twitter rants that seem more fit for a spoiled 7 year old?

His financial scandals?

Russia admitting they worked with the campaign?

I genuinely don’t get it.

The only answer I have to these questions is that you people must be either racist, sexist, homophobic, afraid of all countries other than America, hateful of all religions aside from your own, or a combination of the above.

If Im wrong please feel free to let me know.  And please give me real answers, not some bullshit about “All of that being made up by the left wing media”…which seriously guys….WTF.  That excuse is so old and based on no facts at all.

So until I get any information to change my views I will stand in solidarity with the Trump protesters.  He is not my president.

~ The Dark Horse

Wishing I Could Restart Life

NYT2008112818470726C

 

So I’m back home in Ohio because my visa for New Zealand expired.   Im living back home, on my little street, back in my childhood room, and all my movies and books.

Im working part time in retail until I figure out what to do with my life, but I will say working part time has been amazing.  After 50 hour work weeks for a full year in New Zealand, going to only working 25 has been amazing.   I can take time to go to the gym,  take time to cook from scratch, and take time for one of my guilty pleasures: A nice relaxing bike ride.

These bike rides however have become filled with intense and deep thoughts on life.    You see, at the end of my street there is a park, and next to that park is a high school.  The high school football team uses the park to practice since its a big open space.     So when I go for my bike rides in the park, I bike right past the football team.

 

This has got me thinking:

WHAT WOULD LIFE HAVE BEEN LIKE TO BE LIKE THEM? 

AP AP10THINGSTOSEE- SHAMOKIN SOUTHERN COLUMBIA FOOTBALL S FBH USA PA

What would life have been like to a popular and athletic kid in high school?

BACKGROUND ON ME: Gay, liberal, interested in travel, green-tech, geography, and my dream was to go to LA to be in movies…..

So, as you can imagine, growing up in a high school in Ohio was fucking hell.   I was constantly made fun of, beat up, and nobody would speak to me because it was considered social suicide (Well, they would speak to me if it was to call me fag or tell me that I was going to die of AIDS one day).  My parents were ashamed of me so I couldn’t talk to them.   My guidance counselor at school wanted nothing to do with me (because she was equally as redneck as everyone else) and the only advice she ever gave me when I told her I wanted to go to LA for college was, “Have you ever considered staying in Ohio and going to a Community College?”

** Also, a side note: for anyone out there wondering if I was just a deadbeat, the answer is No.   I graduated with a 4.0 and I did go to LA for college with absolutely no help or support from anyone, so take that Ohio, you bunch of bastards**

But I have to admit.   That experience has always made me wonder: What if everything was different?   Because you see, being strong and brave even when everyone around you tells you you’re weak and pathetic comes with a price.   As you grow up, you become jaded.

That little fucker of an emotion (or thought pattern I guess?)   You see the world differently forever.   Its hard to not view yourself as an outcast.  Its hard to not brace yourself for everything around you to fall apart at any moment.   Its hard to believe that anyone you’re talking to you now would have been nice to you in high school if they would have grown up in your hometown with you then.   There is a permanent stain.  A smear of hatred, fear, resentment, and agony that will never go away.

high4

Which is why these boys at the park capture my emotions.   As I bike along the path my eyes almost glaze over as I watch them.   I just look at them.   They must be friends with each other.   The school has signs up in the windows where people have painted big letters that say “GO EAGLES!“.    Can you imagine being that popular?

They run and jump and kick and tackle.    Their dads must be so proud of them.  The spitting image of what every Ohio boy should be.   Their fathers get to live out their ‘Friday Night Lights’ fantasies through their boys.    My father never looked at me with pride.   I was always the black sheep of the family.   The one they had to always keep from saying or doing embracing things.    The one that was a hard worker, but had his head in the clouds.   The one who, as my mom would always say, “needed to come back down to Earth and grow up”.

high5

These guys probably play grab-ass in the shower, fuck the cheerleaders, get drunk at parties, and form bonds that they will have for the rest of their lives from doing all that as a team.  I have no idea what I just said by the way.  Thats just what I see in movies and stuff.  I was never able to be immature and stupid in my life because I was always alone.   I had to look our for myself because nobody else would.   I also don’t know what having a “bond” with another person feels like.   I imagine it must be fun though.  Must make you feel good.   Must make living a lot more fun.

So as I ride by I just stare and imagine.   I think of all the things they must do and how great their youths must be.   Then I like to imagine me being in that situation.    What if I was ever part of a team?   Can you imagine how much fun it would be for someone to have your back?    To wake up and look forward to high school in the morning?      To believe that you mattered?  To even have other people tell you so?

For a few brief moments Im filled with a small amount of joy.   The illusion and the fantasy seems so nice.   For a few seconds in my day I can erase the past and refill it with how I wish it would have been.    Bright sunny September afternoons.   Playing football with all my friends.   Looking forward to the big game on Friday night.    The party that would happen after, and all the great memories Id have forever.

But then I bike on past and its all gone.   And I’m me again.

A 26 year old who just went catatonic while looking at a bunch of high school kids.  Im sure they all think I’m some fucking weird child rapist or something.   Or maybe since I’m 26 I’m still too young to look scary (Im hoping thats the case at least).

But you see thats my life, and thats what its like to be gay.    You always wonder if people think you’re a sick perv.   Why?  Well because I was a gay kid.  In Ohio.   Who was never shown a single ounce of kindness.   Who was always told I was a dirty pervert.   Someone worthy of hell.

My mind is forever stained in negativity.

I arrive back home, go up to my room and feel the weirdness of all my mixed emotions.    The tingling I still have from that brief moment of imagining a happy life.   The anxiety I feel, wondering if they were all looking at me as I looked at them.   The dread I have for my future.   And the sorrow I feel because of how fucked up my youth was.

But you know what, for a few brief minutes in my day, it was nice to imagine a better existence.    It was nice to imagine myself as one of the high school Titans who had it so well.

high6

~ The Dark Horse

Having Depression In The ‘Real World’

work

Grab your latte’s people! Put on those heels ladies!  Men, tighten that tie!   Its time for the morning commute.  You’re about to head into your business for that glorious 9 or 10 hour day of yours.   You know, that one you have to have five times in a row before you get two days just to catch from all the time you weren’t living for the previous five?

Yes thats right.  We live in a world of a bunch of ants marching.  Mindlessly.  Working day in and day out.  Building that massive ant hive for the queen (which in our our world is normally referred to as the “the man”).

work1

But why?  Why do so many people get stuck in these jobs they don’t even want?   These entry level jobs that were supposed to just give them experience… but somehow transitioned into the “career”.     The lifelong pursuit to avoid the office drama, suck up to the boss, achieve that bonus, get that promotion, and use the money to buy the house, the car, and then eventually, to pay for the kids they now have.

 

Now if anyone out there reading this has a great life that they love then I have to say I really admire you.   You are one of the lucky few and can disregard everything this post says.  For everyone else out there:

WWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY???????????

Why is this our lives?  And why is this the life that we teach our children to have?   Do you guys really want your kids to repeat your stories?   To not chase their dreams?

I know this is how the world works because this is how people have treated me.  Constantly telling me to be reasonable.  To think about how much money a job makes.  To think about settling down….

SETTLING DOWN????  IM 26 YEARS OLD!  

work2

And you know whats so crazy?  People who live in my hometown in Ohio are settled down already at 26.  And to me thats fucking crazy.  Like kids I went to high school with are now working their 9-5 at some bank, going home to make dinner for their kid, and then settling down to watch whatever Primetime show is on that night…..

WHAT THE FUCK.   When watching this week’s episode of The Bachelor becomes the highlight of my day I will take a bullet to the face.

But why am I talking about this?  Why is this such a big deal to me?

Well, because I have depression.  I have anxiety.  I never fit in socially with others.  I always had these big dreams.   Ive always wanted to live life.  Not be a passive little fucker.

And all I have had in my life has been a bunch of people who tell me no.

Settle Down

Grown Up

The World Doesn’t Work LikeThat 

This Is The Real World

BLAH BLAH BLAH….

But you know what, I have some news for you,

This annoying hipster fucker was right…..There is no such thing as the real world.

work3

Play this:

In his song No Such Thing, JohnBoy here actually tells it for how it is….  This “Real World” that I’m constantly told will eat me alive isn’t real.   There is no certain way that life works.  This “way” that all the normal people somehow have inside knowledge of.  Some world where we outcasts can’t comprehend.

The “real world” is a bunch of scared people who settled and now live a fractured life.  A life that only makes them sort-of happy.   They then try to achieve their happiness by doing things and buying things.   Buying new goods to make them feel richer, smarter, and prettier.   By trying to appease the pretty people they work with.  By going to bars and pissing the weekend away being drunk.    They are constantly stuck in the rat race of life.   But they run in a maze with no exit.

This isn’t a rat race they’re in.  It’s more of a Hunger Games.

There is no good outcome.

work4

 

And obviously when people are scared and holding themselves back what do they do?  They try to make sure nobody else lives the life they don’t have.   They love going on and on about the dangers of taking the road less taken.  They love telling you how scary and hard your life may be.   How you may even end up unaccomplished and in poverty.  How you may never make good money.

But take a step back and really look at the Western World.   How many people do you know who smoke?  Or are overweight?  Maybe even have diabetes?  Is there seriously anyone reading this who hasn’t lost a family member to cancer or heart disease?

They sit there and tell people not to branch out because its wrong, but if you look at them you can see they’re slowly dying themselves.

 

Well you know what, tomorrow is my last day at work. I am terrified but also excited.  Im about to branch out in life.  Im about to go and try to live.  Not die.

Think of all the scientists out there.  The authors and actors.  The designers.   The people who are working with Doctors Without Borders in Africa saving people’s live every single day.

If all of them listened to the commoner who told them not to branch out…. WHERE THE FUCK WOULD THE WORLD BE?

There are people out there who are living happy, exciting, and enriching lives.

AND DAMMIT PEOPLE I WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM!

And to anyone who wants to put me down?  Well….

work5

 

Without dreamers this world would suck!  So keep on dreamin’!

 

~ The Dark Horse

…..This post was not proof read.  It was written aggressively and passionately.  And aggression and passion and terrible at proofreading  DUH!