So, I have a confession for everyone, and, judge me if you must... But, during hard times, one of the things that really helps me get by is embracing my inner super villain.
That’s right. Sometimes just being straight up evil helps make me feel better.
When I get lonely, or when I see everyone else having fun without me, I sit there and go… What if a giant meteor came and slammed into Central Park right now, obliterating all these people into dust.
And then a smile comes across my face. And I get a little less lonely. (Also, easter egg for any fellow Dead Like Me fans out there!)
Oh, oh oh!!!!!!! AND MY ULTIMATE FANTASY, I want to be like Aquaman (hot blonde Aquaman, not overly buff drag queen Aquaman)
No thanks. Yes please.
Anyways, so I’d be like Aquaman….but as a villain!
OH, THINK OF THE FUN I COULD HAVE!
Ok, imagine this…. It’s spring break,
Slutty hos, and douchey bros line the beaches, having their pathetic fun…
But…do they know that I’ve summoned a giant swarm of sharks?
Sure, they can try to swim away…but really, with 500 great white sharks surrounding you, where exactly do you think you’re going to go?
Suddenly, the attacks begin. And once everyone knows what’s going on…
It’s already too late!
Oh, it’s so sadistic, it’s simply perfect!
Think of it – First, people become afraid of the oceans. Giant swarms of shark attacks have become normal. But everyone thinks rivers and lakes are still safe, but bull sharks can live in freshwater! Suddenly, in places like the Mississippi River and the Great Lakes, giant shark attacks begin to take place. The entire human population won’t go anywhere near water. The pumps that suck in water begin to clog with algae because nobody is cleaning them… the human race begins to suffer from dehydration and famine.
Then, I come forward, revealing that I control the oceans. And I demand 5 things to make the attacks stop:
1.) I want a roller coaster built. The longest roller coaster in the world. It will span across state lines, it will be an incredible 5 hours of ride time, and it can’t be wooden, because that will hurt.
2.) Obviously, I’m now emperor of the entire world and Zac Efron has to quit acting and become my personal sex slave.
3.) US airlines must remove economy seating, because it’s just fucking miserable. Business class for all!
4.) Every Friday at 9pm the entire world must shut down, and the entire population must go to the local movie theater to view classic horror films – Scream, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw, Creepshow, House of 1000 Corpses, all of them. Every Friday until the end of time. This will surely make the human race a better one.
5.) The TV show Strangers With Candy will be renewed for another 5 seasons. The Avengers will be remade, in which every character dies 5 minutes into the first film, thus sparing us from a series of atrociously boring movies. And lastly, anyone who watched Game of Thrones must personally submit a 500 page to me, declaring that the show was stupid and waste of their time and that they’re sorry to everyone for making us have to listen to them go on and on about it for almost a decade.
You have my demands…. the choice is yours.
~ The Dark Horse
(No, this wasn’t proofread. Emperors of the world don’t need to proofread. Oh! That’s another one of my rules. I no longer have to proofread anything ,ever!)