So, Ive learned something within the last few weeks. Despite everything I’ve gone through, and all the progress I’ve made, I still don’t value myself. Now, before I get into this whole thing, let me explain how this revelation all came together: I got crabs. Yes. I got public lice. And It is probably one of the most disgusting and gross things that have ever happened to me.
You see, when I get sad and stressed and lonely, I lash out with sex. I battle with a sex addiction. And for anyone out there who thinks that sex addiction isn’t real, well you can go fuck yourself, I have nothing to prove to you. ANYWAYS, moving forward… So that’s my vice I guess you could say. And I have times where I handle it really well and then I have times when I don’t. I moved here in January to start school and Im guessing if you’re reading this blog, you’re most likely the kind of person who is different from most. So you all know how much of a struggle it is to make friends when you’re like us. And beyond friends, DATES? …That basically doesn’t happen.
So I’ve been working really hard at school (I’m straight A’s right now Im proud to say!) But I’ve also been facing the crushing loneliness of moving to a new place.
Also, I think I should mention I’m at Harvard, and it’s not to brag, but it’s important to understanding the situation.
So, Harvard is amazing, but there is a culture here, because it’s the best school in the country, and probably the most famous in the world: A vast majority of people here are cunts. Like most stereotypes, the ones about Harvard are also true. You have an overwhelming majority of insanely wealthy people who have no idea what reality is like. You have competition coming out of your ass. You have this “If I can’t benefit from you, theres no point in talking to you” mentality. Remember Legally Blonde? Well, there are a lot of Vivian Kensington’s here.
But, ugh… way too much building the scene right? I just need to get on with what I’m trying to say. So, I’ve been lonely. I’m a creative type who wants to write stories to inspire the outcasts of the world to hang in there, and I’m in a school full of methodical, wealthy, WASPS….literally the kinds of people who create outcasts. So, making a social life has been hard.
In my loneliness, Ive turned to sex. Luckily for me, I’m a top, and I always use a condom. So the risk of things like HIV and shit are super low. However, things that spread from skin-to-skin contact…. like lice…. well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. The last few weeks I have been itching really badly, so I went to the doctor and she said it was probably jock itch, so she gave me cream and said not to be alarmed if the itching is still there for 2-3 weeks. And furthermore, when the lice are on your skin they kind of look like freckles that have slightly weird boundaries. So, nothing immediately seemed odd. But as the weeks went on and the cream did nothing, and I started seeing a lot of these odd new freckles, and not just on my pubic region, but on my thighs and stuff, I was like…. you know what, this is weird…. so I picked at one of them, and then it came off! I was shocked. I was like… did I get mud on me when I went running or kayaking or something and it dried? But then i picked another one and held it up close to me eyes to get a good glimpse and I COULD SEE IT SQUIRMING AROUND! I won’t show a picture because it’s gross, but there’s a reason why public lice are called crabs…their shape is different from head lice. Public lice literally look like tiny crabs. I almost threw up and I ran to the doctors.
So yeah…I was a lice factory for about month and didn’t even know it, which gave the lice all the time in the world to breed and wander onto my legs and oh the joy!
So here’s where I’m at now: I’m feeling so ashamed of myself. I know I can better than this. Having sex with any person willing to be fucked? Also, mentally this isn’t good either. Someone a long time ago once said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And thats what I’ve been doing. And I’ve been doing it out of desperation because I didn’t respect or believe in myself enough.
But now it’s time to. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m worth nothing. I’m tired of believing that all I’m worth is some gross guy on grindr who wants a random hookup. Because I am better than that. I am worth more.
I need to believe in my writing and believe that I have talent and that people will want to read what I write.
I need to believe that I am an attractive person both inside and out and am worthy of love.
I need to believe that my life is far from over. In fact, the good stuff is still to come!
I need to believe that my life matters.
And I want all of you to believe that too. I think we all matter. And I firmly believe that people who have been through things are actually the most capable of creating change in this world. We know pain. We know sorrow. And that knowledge and emotional depth makes all of us valuable.
And if were going to take this back to Harvard and Legally Blonde, then let’s remember Elle Woods. That bitch didn’t change herself. She walked into law school in a fucking pink skirt and chihuahua and then rocked that shit out harder than anyone else. So, fuck the Vivian Kensigntons of the world, we need more Elle Woods.
So, that’s where I’m at. I think I’ve had another breakthrough in my emotional health. I think I’ve finally seen more of the depths of how much I actually hate myself. And now, it’s time to change that. it’s time to let the real me shine. It’s time to be myself and not be ashamed of that. We all must have courage and faith in our abilities. We all need to remember that we are awesome.
Alright, Elle, how bout you give us some final words of wisdom:
~ The Dark Horse