Category Archives: funny

Why Do People Love To Put Others Down (Or, Let’s Learn To Tell Em’ To Fuck Off)

put

 

So, this world is full of pathetic people who desperately try to fit in, and in that quest, they literally end up getting lost in their own bullshit.   Then these people live their lives trying to be a constructed image of themselves to portray to the world.    These people….sadly…end up being a majority of the populous.  The commoner.

Take this for example, in the year 2000, it would have been deemed super lame to like superheroes.  Flash-forward to modern times…

put1

…And this infographic literally started at 2014… almost a good 6 years after the superhero craze began.

 

 

 

For another example, in the year 2000 liking music that used the banjo would have been seen as really stupid…

put3put4put5

And then suddenly bands like Mumford and Sons, and Old Crow Medicine show and shit dominated the hipster market.  The banjo became commonplace.

 

 

The point is, everything is relative.  “Cool” is literally dictated by the companies who sell you the product.   Don’t believe me?  OVERALLS are back people… fucking overalls.

put6.jpg

God, if you’re real, please destroy Coachella.   Also, PS people… like this fucker even knows what Ziggy Stardust is or who David Bowie is.  Which brings up another great point.  In 2000, liking artists that your parents listened to would have been extremely uncool.  However, in the present day people are buying Led Zeppelin shirts without even knowing any of their songs.

 

OK, SO WHAT IS MY POINT RIGHT?

My point is, be yourself.  Anyone who wants to put you down for dressing the way you dress, liking the music you like, or the way you act, or whatever the case… they’re all just posers.  They only like what is popular right now because they lack personality.  If you like bubble pop and miss bands like Aqua, then whatever, blast that music all you want.  In 20 years it will probably be cool again and suddenly the commoners will love you.

 

And secondly, don’t even let the common man’s opinions bring you down.  Once you know how easily the commoner is bought and sold, then their opinion should mean nothing.

Sure, they will love telling you not to chase your dreams, or to be more normal, or whatever-the-fuck.  But all you gotta is put a bitch in their place.

put7.gif

 

 

OF COURSE THIS IS A METAPHOR.. Don’t actually smack a ho.   But trust me, by being yourself and not caring about what they say, then they lose all their power.  So in a way, you’re still giving em a good….

 

 

put9

 

…and you’re giving it to em’ right where it hurts!

 

Alright people, stay strong and stay yourselves!

~The Dark Horse

 

 

Advertisements

The Innocence Of Anxiety

sun

 

So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

sun1

 

I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

giphy (1)

 

Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

sun3

 

Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

sun5

 

And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

We Can All Make Friends And Find Love (And I Can Give You Proof)

trash1

So when I get really depressed I start feeling like I’ll never find happiness. Like i’ll never find my group or find love.   Like life will always be shit…. but then I think about the facts:

Even shitty people somehow find companions throughout life… so surely so can I! 

 

Take this pile of trash for example.  Ok I will admit I’m not too knowledgable about the Kardashians but here’s my best shot

Top left we have….. I have no idea.  A random Sister.

Below her we have Kim Kardashian.  She got famous for making a sex tape, being married for 3 days, and now being married to Kanye West (I think I could safely say she is one of the worlds most annoying humans and is probably personally responsible for the downfall of our culture).

In the middle there we have Kris Jenner who got famous for being married to some famous lawyer in the OJ Simpson case.  Then she married random olympic guy from the 80’s Bruce Jenner (who has sense made a small transition you may be aware of)….and now she’s just like a really trashy mom.

Below her is I believe Chloe Kardashian?  And she’s really famous for Snapchat and Instagram?

I don’t know the other two.  I know there another sister named Courtney but with a K?

trash2

 

The point is, look:   This is probably one of the trashiest, most shameless, pathetic, celebrity-obsessed families in existence and look!!!!!! PEOPLE LOVE THEM! 

If Whats-her-name Kardashian can get like 19 million follows on Instagram or whatever surely I can find 5 good friends in life.

And really how many more do we need?   I would love it if I could just find one great group of friends, and maybe fall in love….get swept off my feet…. that would be nice right?

And in reality that means all I have to do is find 6 people in a world of something like 7.6 billion or so?  (Fact check needed for that number)

trash4

No bitch, but Im sure your entire family is.

Who even is that one? I swear to God they just throw random Kardashian-look-alikes on screen and pawn it off thats its just one family, like how they used to swap the Olsen twins out on Full House.

trash5

Seriously… they’re convicted felons.    We got this bitches.   Seriously, if they can get people in their lives, then so can we dammit!

 

So what do we do to get out of our funks and find friends?

~Well Ive started doing bar trivia with a Meetup group and I think its actually really fun!   I recommend trying that site! 

~ Tinder anyone?     Look….I know its shallow and disgusting but the fact is our generation has become straight up retarded.  They literally don’t know how to interact with strangers in public anymore.

Woman will assume all men are preying on them, and will assume all other women are bitches.

Men will assume all girls are trashy sluts and are looking to be used, and other men are competition.

We sadly live in a world where to meet new people it seems like it has to be done online.

~ Try joining a sports team?  (ugh…. I hate that one because literally EVERYONE tells you “Oh join a sports team” when you tell them you have no friends…. I’m like BITCH LISTEN I grew up as the gay kid in Ohio….. I assure the Football jocks were the ones beating me up and therefore I don’t really have a desire to play fucking sports)

But hey…. if you’re into sports go for it why not?

~ Make friends at your work break-room? 

~ If you’re in school join clubs!   talk to classmates!   Force yourself into your roommates plans!  I will assure you that peoples willingness to talk to strangers drops by like 99% when school ends so therefore you are in the best possible place to make new friends! 

 

 

Feeling down?  just remember…..

trash6

 

This bitch somehow managed to get a TV show, make millions, get married, have kids, and gain one of the largest celebrity followings in history. 

If she can do that we can literally do anything.

~The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lets Take The Time To Reinvent Ourselves

strange

So, im sick   (Confetti falls from the sky as women release doves into the air).  When I’m sick I feel like absolute shit.

As if hating my life and feeling like a depressive failure isn’t enough, being sick adds that extra little touch.   You’re too weak and tired to change your life.  Your throat hurts, you can feel what doctors call “post nasal drip” which in reality is literally when so much snot forms in your nose that it has nowhere else to go rather than sliding back down into your throat (its one of the reasons why your mouth constantly has that foul aftertaste in it all the time when you’re sick.   Its because its filled with snot).

The picture above is Jerri Blank.  She is a self described, boozer, user, and loser.  She is the star of the short-lived but highly addictive show Strangers With Candy.   In that show she dropped out of high school as a teenager to become a hooker, a user of all drugs, and a complete blow out.

strange2

 

Now, at 46, she decides drop her junkie past and to go back to school and restart her life.

strange3

 

So why am i bringing up this delightful little ex-con and true role model for children everywhere?

Because thats how I feel, and I think thats how we will all feel.

Ive had a rough month.  I made a really intense friendship and sadly he is backpacking and no longer here.  I dropped a friendship that was insanely toxic to me.  I started back at the gym (for the first time in 5 months).  I was tired of my job that Im only working at for the money and have gone part time to look for better things.   All of that on top of the everyday things I think about:  MY PAST AND WHY DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?  MY PRESENT AND WHY IS EVERYTHING STILL SO WRONG?   AND MY FUTURE:  WILL EVERYTHING ALWAYS BE WRONG? 

Can any of you relate to that? because I think you can.  Most of us with depression, anxiety, panic, or any kind of trauma already live with a life filled to the brim with stress and misery.  So once life throws you a big month….. you’re just bound to sink, and sink I did people… sink I did!

So here I am, worn out, tired, and sick.   In essence, I look and feel like this:

strange4

 

But here is the beauty my friends!   (and I do believe this quote is from the Scooby Doo move)

strange5

 

If you’ll recall from the Scooby Doo movie, it begins when the team has already broken up and have all been called separately by a mysterious Mr. Mondavarious. When they arrive on the dock of Spooky Island and meet him and hear about the spooky mystery they inform him the team is no longer together and that solving mysteries was in the past.

Hearing this Mr. Mondavarious says: No, what brought you here was your insatiable appetite for a juicy mystery.

Freddy replies with: The truth is, Mr. Mondavarious, Mystery Inc is broken up.

Mr. Mondavarious responds with:  That’s the beauty of something broken. It can be fixed, and therein lies its potential.

 

So here we are.  Broken. The light is a mere dim fickle flicker.  Energy dwindling.   And there is Jerri Blank.  a 46 year old ex-hooker who used to get fucked by donkeys as a sort of “freakshow” act in Mexico to make money for drugs.

So if that bitch can get her ass back in high school, then dammit we can sort our shit out too!

strange6

 

Thats right people! feast your eyes on our new role model!

strange7

 

So how do we do it?  How do we get to the point where we can rebuild and reinvent? Well since I’m sick I’m doing a lot of lounging around.  A lot of reading, and watching movies.  And I’m gonna be honest with you….its really helping

 

I don’t know how it is for you, but a good move can make me feel so much better.  It can really help me re-orient myself.   It can make me smile, make me think, make me different.   Last night I watch Tuck Everlasting.   It was so good and was exactly what i needed

strange8

For those of you who have never seen it, its about a family who has found everlasting life, and one girl who find them in the woods and has to decide if she wants to drink from the fountain of youth.

 

In the movie, the father of the Tuck family tells Winnie, “Don’t be afraid of death Winnie, be afraid of the un-lived life”.

For years that line has always been in my head because I think that is my fear.  I watch my life drift away rather than actually living it.  Im a prisoner to my mind rather than the controller of it .

 

So I know this has been a long post.  To recap remember,

~ YOU CAN DO IT!

~ DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY!

~ RETHINK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR VALUES AND THEN THINK IF YOURE LIVING BY THEM

~RELAX AND HAVE FUN!

 

Alright Jerri Blank give us a good inspirational quote to go out on!

strange10

strange11

 

….wow thanks for not being helpful at all.

strange12

..dammit Jerri!

~ The Dark Horse

The Barefoot Contessa’s Recipe For Happiness

foot

Thats right people! America’s Sweetheart, East Hampton socialite, and gay men magnet, Ina Garten is here to whip up a little something special: Her perfect recipe for us to be happy!

Alright, so I think the first thing we need is: SELF RESPECT

Without self respect we become insanely vulnerable both to ourselves and others.   Without self respect we become easy victims to overeating, drug and alcohol abuse, letting people walk all over us, entering relationships with both friends and lovers who are probably nor really there for us…and so on and so on.  Without self respect where do we even begin?

What do you think about that Ina?

foot2

…No Ina.   Good vanilla is great for a buttercream frosting but were talking about our lives here Ina!

….moving on.

 

I also think the next thing is FINDING HOBBIES YOU ENJOY

Now trust me, I know this sounds soooooo cliche but what else are we going to do?  As miserable people were already miserable (….duh)  And if we just sit around thinking about how miserable we are, all we do is make everything worse.  its a vicious cycle that feeds into itself.   We have to get up and do something!

 

Right Ina?

 

 

foot3

 

Ina, are you eating?   Were supposed to be writing a blog post together about how unhappy people can become happy!!!!

 

…Rich people, WTF.

 

Number 3 is a hard one for some people.  And this is TO ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!!!!

Now look, if you need therapy DO IT!  Im currently in therapy and I love it!  I think its great!  If you can’t afford it well neither can I!   Your local university can always set you up with psychology services for almost free or free depending on the school.    If you’re ashamed to ask for help, well don’t be!   Do you know most celebrities go into therapy?   The most popular and loved people on the planet are in therapy so why shouldn’t we be doing the same?

Are you in therapy Ina?

foot5

 

Oh…. well i suppose thats similar to a stress ball method?  Letting out some aggressive energy.  Thats always a good thing I guess….

 

Number 4 is to remember to STAY HEALTHY

This is one I always struggle with personally.  When I get really down its just so easy to stop going to the gym, start eating take out, and lay around in bed all day.

And all that really gives me is the feeling of being lazy, pale, fat, weak, and sickly.   Trust me, it never goes well.

 

Ina, what do you do to feel better when you’re down? ….

 

….Ina? …

 

….Hello?  You know, Ina, considering you run a blog yourself Im kind of shocked how bad you are at this…..

 

foot6

 

EXCUSE ME MRS. BAREFOOT CONTESSA!  Are you working on your own blog?   Were trying to help people here!

fot9

 

 

….as delicious as that sounds I really think we should focus on making a blog post…. about helping people?  Remember why were doing this?

 

Anyways… so where were we…. helping others!  Alright Ina next one is you, what should the next ingredient in the recipe for happiness be?

 

….Ina? …..Ina?????

Where did you go?

foot10

 

 

INA GARTEN GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE THE NEIGHBORS ALONE! 

 

foot11

 

 

INE GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

Ugh ok look, I have a middle-aged East Hamptonite running wild I have to go get her.  Just remember we all deserve happiness so do something for yourself today!  You deserve!

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Sorry I don’t have time to proof read this, I have to go take Ina to the organic cheese and olive delicatessen before they close!

foot13

Rebuilding Your Life When Its Crumbled To Nothing

buid

So in the last couple of blog posts I had been talking about just saying Fuck It.  I had been pretty down and feeling like shit for being in New Zealand and not making any friends or anything, when I came across and ingenious thought….  Fuck It.

Thats right.  Fuck It.   At the end of the day, none of this means anything.  Embarrassing myself in front of others means nothing when Im alone all the time anyways (whats gonna happen? Ill lose my popularity? …funny joke right?)

Who cares if they tell you “No, i don’t know you go away”… lets be honest here… we were gonna be alone tonight anyways right?

I decided I no longer was looking for friends, but was HUNTING FOR FRIENDS

build2

Thats right bitches.   You’re the eagle, they’re the trout.   Stalk and attack.

 

So I’m no longer being like…

“Oh hey hows it going?”

“Hows your day going?”

“What do you do for work?”

“blah blah blah blah”

“Maybe if you’re free ever we cold hang out?”

Because the common man is a fuckin idiot and is self-obsessed.   The commoner NEVER thinks they have any free time.  Everyone is apparently as busy as the President.  I mean balancing their time on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, and Buzzfeed is just sooooooo time consuming.

So instead my conversations have become more like…

“Hey hows it going?”

“Oh nice so what do you do?”

“Hey thats awesome, so I’m new here and am looking to make friends.  Give me your number”

“Awesome, hows this weekend?”

 

And if you text them that weekend and they’re busy say, “Oh what are you doing?”  and of course they’ll respond with whatever dog and pony show they have going this weekend and then you simply say, “Oh that sounds awesome, mind if I tag along? I need to put myself out there and meet some people”.

If they still say no well just set fire to their house in the middle of the night…. KIDDING… Ha…ha…ha….  i mean….

THE POINT IS THAT YOURE BUILDING A LIFE HERE! 

build3

Thats right people!  Use those biceps and triceps and…. oh dear lord…. Feel free to stay at this part of the post for as long as you need before continuing.   (Its about building…. get it????  Thats why he’s there…. I wouldn’t shamelessly put an image of a hot guy up here for pure eye-candy pleasure would I?  This is a classy blog remember….Oh god I want him)

 

Where was I?  Right!  Building… thats what were doing!  Building a life!  Who cares if its embarrassing or messy!   In fact, its actually working for me!  I have plans for later today!  (Im actually pretty nervous, but I’m hoping it goes well!)

So right…. what we need to do is,

build4

Pound the nails into our walls to give us a sturdy foundation to branch from! 

build6

We must lay the pipework so our structures can……Idk?  have pipes? 

build7

We must use the monkey wrench to tighten the screws on those pipes we need! 

 

 

build8

We must Chainsaw!  Ugh.. Chainsaw our bad thoughts away?  Or um…. Use the chainsaw to cut through the negative thoughts that fill our minds?   Look… use the chainsaw for whatever the fuck you want to.  Im gonna use it so I can stand next to this guy 😉

 

Alright but in all honesty remember.  IT DOESNT MATTER.  THATS THE POINT.   Try and make friends!  Who cares if its awkward or messy or embarrassing or doesn’t go well.  Were already at ground zero!   We can only go up from here!

 

speaking of going up…..

build9

Room for one more boys? …excellent

~ The Dark Horse