Category Archives: funny

Rebuilding Your Life When Its Crumbled To Nothing

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So in the last couple of blog posts I had been talking about just saying Fuck It.  I had been pretty down and feeling like shit for being in New Zealand and not making any friends or anything, when I came across and ingenious thought….  Fuck It.

Thats right.  Fuck It.   At the end of the day, none of this means anything.  Embarrassing myself in front of others means nothing when Im alone all the time anyways (whats gonna happen? Ill lose my popularity? …funny joke right?)

Who cares if they tell you “No, i don’t know you go away”… lets be honest here… we were gonna be alone tonight anyways right?

I decided I no longer was looking for friends, but was HUNTING FOR FRIENDS

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Thats right bitches.   You’re the eagle, they’re the trout.   Stalk and attack.

 

So I’m no longer being like…

“Oh hey hows it going?”

“Hows your day going?”

“What do you do for work?”

“blah blah blah blah”

“Maybe if you’re free ever we cold hang out?”

Because the common man is a fuckin idiot and is self-obsessed.   The commoner NEVER thinks they have any free time.  Everyone is apparently as busy as the President.  I mean balancing their time on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, and Buzzfeed is just sooooooo time consuming.

So instead my conversations have become more like…

“Hey hows it going?”

“Oh nice so what do you do?”

“Hey thats awesome, so I’m new here and am looking to make friends.  Give me your number”

“Awesome, hows this weekend?”

 

And if you text them that weekend and they’re busy say, “Oh what are you doing?”  and of course they’ll respond with whatever dog and pony show they have going this weekend and then you simply say, “Oh that sounds awesome, mind if I tag along? I need to put myself out there and meet some people”.

If they still say no well just set fire to their house in the middle of the night…. KIDDING… Ha…ha…ha….  i mean….

THE POINT IS THAT YOURE BUILDING A LIFE HERE! 

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Thats right people!  Use those biceps and triceps and…. oh dear lord…. Feel free to stay at this part of the post for as long as you need before continuing.   (Its about building…. get it????  Thats why he’s there…. I wouldn’t shamelessly put an image of a hot guy up here for pure eye-candy pleasure would I?  This is a classy blog remember….Oh god I want him)

 

Where was I?  Right!  Building… thats what were doing!  Building a life!  Who cares if its embarrassing or messy!   In fact, its actually working for me!  I have plans for later today!  (Im actually pretty nervous, but I’m hoping it goes well!)

So right…. what we need to do is,

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Pound the nails into our walls to give us a sturdy foundation to branch from! 

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We must lay the pipework so our structures can……Idk?  have pipes? 

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We must use the monkey wrench to tighten the screws on those pipes we need! 

 

 

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We must Chainsaw!  Ugh.. Chainsaw our bad thoughts away?  Or um…. Use the chainsaw to cut through the negative thoughts that fill our minds?   Look… use the chainsaw for whatever the fuck you want to.  Im gonna use it so I can stand next to this guy 😉

 

Alright but in all honesty remember.  IT DOESNT MATTER.  THATS THE POINT.   Try and make friends!  Who cares if its awkward or messy or embarrassing or doesn’t go well.  Were already at ground zero!   We can only go up from here!

 

speaking of going up…..

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Room for one more boys? …excellent

~ The Dark Horse

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Staying Happy When You’re Feeling Down

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Now look….obviously, I try to keep my blog high-brow (cough cough)…. ok, I do swear a lot, and Im pretty sure Ive talked about quite a few racy topics, but anyways in general my blog is more than just stupid pictures that make people laugh….

having said that, there is no shame in doing WHATEVER you have to do to make yourself happy when you start feeling depressed or stressed or sad.

So, lets blatantly, shamelessly, and whole-heartedly allow ourselves to be happy right now , sound good?  Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.  Deal?  Sweet!

For starers, a good animal picture ALWAYS makes you happy.  I don’t care what you say, or how many allergies you have to whatever animal you have allergies to.  Animals are fucking hilarious.

 

Homeowners drove home to find their dog stuck in a shrub…..with clearly no place to go.

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This is clearly how the creators of Lost wrote the script:

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Still not feeling better?  Well perhaps this will help.   One of my favorite ironies of this world is that once you hit a certain level of wealth dressing to be cool and popular doesn’t even matter to you anymore.   And you suddenly start becoming interested with fashion that ranges from weird to ugly to ugly-weird….and it all costs over 10,000 dollars:

Why????

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I want to ask “why???” again but instead I find myself asking, “…..what?”

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Perhaps this is was inspired by the movie TRON meets  Bob The Builder? (All the rage in Paris I’m sure)

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Oh ok I see, you’re one of those sappy people who wants a video filled with heart warming tales to brighten your day?   Well I’ve got one of those too!  BAM BABY!

 

 

Well perhaps a diva llama will brighten your day?

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How about a sassy soon-to-be-fashionista?

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How about this lovely executive who is about to give you a raise…..quid pro quo

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Ok, then this doggy driver has to make you at least giggle!

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Alright well I hope I made at least some of you smile!   I know I had a good time writing this post so at least thats one person who is feeling better today!

Remember you’re strong, you can make it through the day!

~ The Dark Horse

Alone On Valentine’s Day (Its OK To Be Bitter)

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Ah Yes, its that time of year.  That one day a year when EVERYONE who has a date just loves to tell everyone that they have a date.  The day where marriages that have lasted 50 years are rekindled once more, and when waiting girlfriends become excited fiancés.

Its also the day where lonely people like me sit in front of a TV watching chick flicks eating cookies and pie.  Watching those lucky assholes have the time of their lives.

Bunch of fuckin cunts.

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Ah yes my little lonely lads and lasses.   Its just another holiday in our year that reminds us  we are alone.

But perhaps this is the perfect day for venting, not sobbing?

Perhaps were are viewing Valentine’s day all wrong?

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For you see, Valentine’s Day is also the one day of the year where those who do have love are kind of obligated to sit there and listen to us single people bitch.

….get where I’m going with this?

The new goal for Valentine’s Day is to ruin it for the happy people of the world!  Yes…. yes yes yes!!!!!!!   Put your bitter face on bitches cuz its time to ruin some poor innocent happy person’s day!

hate4Put on your Hulk face its time to go ape shit!

See those happy people over there?  Having a nice little picnic in the park?

 HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NICE LITTLE PICNIC IN THE PARK????? NO!!!! OF COURSE NOT! 

Now run over there and ruin it for them!    Go on!  Pour their wine all over yourself as you stomp on their cute little sandwiches he made to impress her!   Awwwwww….. he even wrapped up the silverware in a cloth napkin just like a restaurant! …….GRAB IT!   YES YOU HEARD ME!   ITS YOURS NOW! You never know when you’ll need a spare fork and knife!

 

 

Oh, would you look at this beautiful restaurant?   He must have paid a fortune to take her here.   He must really want to show her how special she is…… assholes.

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OOOOOHHHHHHH She’s soooooooo impressed.    He’s probably gonna get lucky tonight huh…..  Oh wait but look, you’ve decided to serve them the main course yourself… GO ON!  WALK OVER THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT THEY WILL BE EATING TONIGHT!

 

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MWUAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!    Now at the top of your lungs scream PIGFUCKERS!!!!!!!  and then run out of the restaurant in the most delightful and disturbing way possible!

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But in all honesty, we shouldn’t ruin a good Valentine’s day for someone else.  But sometimes its nice to imagine it.  Get some of that bad energy out using our imagination.

One thing I do want to let all of you know is that you’re not alone…..  Well i mean you are…. but I’m alone too…. so you’re not alone in the fact that you’re alone?  get it?

If anyone out there is having an absolute awful day call these numbers:

for the USA call the Crisis hotline: 1-800-233-4357

For Australia call lifeline: 13-11-14

For New Zealand Lifeline: 0800 543 354

For all other counties find your crisis line here:

International Crisis Hotline Listings

Please Note:  None of these lines are for suicide only!   Anytime you’re having a really bad day or suffering an episode of ANY KIND:  depression, anxiety, mania, panic attack  ANYTHING!!! They are there to help!  Trust me, in my lifetime I have called all these numbers and you should never be afraid to!

~ The Dark Horse

…..this post wasn’t proof read,  why? ….because its Valentine’s day bitches.

Making Friends When You Have Anxiety and Depression (Or, You Are The Hunter, They Are Your Prey)

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So, lets talk about being friendless.   There are those of us out there who are alone all the time.  Friendless, loveless, lost creatures.

The reasons why this happens are endless:  Depression, anxiety, addiction, fear, desperation, dread.

But you know what, there is always hope and Im going to lead by example.  I have found a “friend potential”.

Ok, let me set the scene.  The apartment unit next to mine was empty until last week when a cute boy around my age moved in.  I think he’s living there alone right now.  All of our front doors share a big courtyard so I see him walk by my door a lot.

I think this is a perfect “lead” for a friendship.  I mean right?  He’s just moved into a new apartment complex where he doesn’t know anyone. Im relatively new to a foreign country.  We have something in common.  We are in a new space.

Whats that?  You think this is weird? You think this is crazy?  Well hunnybunches let tell you something.  We are weird and crazy.   We are the outcasts, the ones who don’t fit in.  The ones who will always be different.   Its time to get that and use your skills!

I don’t know if we will ever be able to make friends “the normal way”. And because of that we must hunt our new friends like a lion stalking his prey.

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So, if there is one to take away from this post it is that we have to get creative in how we make friends.   Meetup.com  Tinder  Even chatting up neighbors in your apartment buildings.   EVERYONE is a potential friend (well, unless they seem like a shallow cunt, in which case, stay away)  And the reason this is important is because If you’re like me, finding friends in normal social situations is IMPOSSIBLE! 

And I’m just using myself as an example here, but when people are drinking and getting high, I literally can’t become their friends.  Talking about shallow bullshit and the desire to feel cheap instant pleasure just doesn’t appeal to me.

If someone is with other friends who they more than me, and they’re sharing stories of the good ol’ days, I feel alienated and can’t feel comfortable.   If they’re gossiping about people they both know, then I just get mad.

So things like making friends by going to parties or bars and clubs will never work for me.

The issues of my past have fucked up my present.

So, the hunt continues:

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URGENT UPDATE! 

The cure boy next door literally just walked in front of my door!  (Im sitting here blogging trying to make conversation as inviting as possible so I have the front door opened to let the summer breeze in (and the cute boy next door).

ugh, I’m like a little school girl, this is sad.

ANYWAYS LETS GET BACK ON TOPIC PEOPLE!

SO yes lets talk about the plan:  Here is how its going to go.

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step 1.)  Im going to knock on his door and wait for him to answer

step 2.)  Im going to say something like “Hey I saw you just moved in here, just wanted to introduce myself, I’m Keith.  Moved here from America recently….something something something”

Thats a good conversation starter right? 

step 3.) Then depending how the conversation goes one of two things will happen.  Either he won’t want to talk and ill sulk back to my room feeling like a complete fool, a loser, a pathetic piece of shit who will always be friendless.  Ill probably get a pad thai and watch some gay romcom and tcry myself to sleep

or

The conversation goes well.   Maybe he’s alone in a new city just like me?  Maybe he loves movies too.  Maybe he has a weird obsession and fascination with airplanes, roller coasters, and bigfoot like me (don’t judge me bitches)

So the game now is the waiting game.  I need to find the perfect time (Im thinking in the evening? the last thing i want to do is walk over to have a potential life changing conversation and then he’s gotta leave in 10 minutes and can’t chat)

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Alright guys, I’m taking on a big crazy mission here!   If I can do it, you can do it!  Now get out there and make some friends!

~ The Dark Horse

Much like ground beef, the percentage of this post that was proofread was maybe 80/20?

 

4 Things Ive Learned From Depression And Anxiety

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Ah yes, so I have been a mess for a very good portion of my life.  This old sea cow has weathered a few storms, don’t you worry.   Im here today to say some things that I’ve learned in my years of depression and anxiety.

Now these may not resonate with everything but I’m writing this because I know how lonely and isolating it can feel to think nobody is going through what you’re going through.  And if you’re someone who is just coming to realize they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety, well, welcome to the club and let the old Dark Horse show you a thing or two about a thing or two.

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1.) SHIT WILL GET WEIRD AND AWKWARD

Yep, thats right.  Depression and anxiety will bring about many uncomfortable, awful, miserable moments in your life.   You will have breakdowns in front of people. You will have moments where you hate your life so much that it will show to everyone around you.  You will be more clumsy, distracted, aloof.  You’ll have a certain je ne sais quoi about you that the commoner just won’t understand.

My tip:  Just fucking go with it.  Do EVERYTHING you can to fight your depression and anxiety.  Therapy, group therapy, branch out into new activities (which will probably cause more awkward moments). But when it comes to the dirty, messy, slippery ride that is called HEALING, just let yourself go.  Allow it to happen because trust me, in 5 years you will be laughing about the stories you tell people. There is a sort of sick, twisted humor that we develop because of everything we’ve gone though.  Just laugh baby!

 

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2.) NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS, THERE IS ALWAYS A TOMORROW

I can’t tell you the number of days and nights Ive sat in my room, too depressed to do anything.  Too depressed to eat, or blog, or journal, or read.  I would just put on youtube and stare at it as I looked for sex on Grindr.  I was a fucking mess.   I was also suffering from anxiety so severe that I was too afraid to go outside.  I felt so weak that I feared going outside would cause me to collapse.

I just wanted nothing more than my life to be over.  OR AT LEAST THAT DAY TO BE OVER.  I yearned for something more. For just something to change.  That weird feeling of,

Im too tired to move +

Im so angry that Im not living a life+

Im too afraid to live a life+

Life is pointless anyways why bother =

YOU WANNA GO OFF THE FUCKIN RAILS AND DESTROY THINGS

But you know what?  The next day came and I felt a little better.  A little more capable.  A little more ready for the day.  A little more me.

My tip: SPOIL YOURSELF!  Feeling like shit?  Watch the sappiest and happiest chick flick you can!   Feeling like you just can’t go outside?  Make a 5 star meal! Spend 8 hours baking in the kitchen!  I mean seriously… you’re not gonna go out anyways, why not?  Throw 5 bath bombs in your tub and sit your ass in as you sing Summer Nights from Grease!

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Im sorry, whats that?  You think that sitting in a bubblebath playing Grease on YouTube at full volume as you sing along is crazy?  Bitch look yourself, you’re laying in bed in your underwear right now with 5 days worth of Chinese take out piled up because you’re too depressed too cook…. I assure you, this is surely not beneath you. Now go run some water, you gotta bath to get into!

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3.)  YOUR VIEW OF THE WORLD WILL BECOME DIFFERENT

One of the worst things about depression is that it changes you.   The science behind depression shows that your brain literally becomes rewired and things fire differently inside your head.  Depression will cause you to become more prone being negative.  To feel destitute.  To not trust others.

This is partly due to the cycle of depression, and the cycle of depression is partly what causes it.  Its a real catch 22.

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My Tip: FIGHT THIS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!  Never ever give up on yourself !  NEVER EVER BACK DOWN!   It takes a smart person to overcome obstacles in your life. It takes an even bigger and smarter person to understand and accept that perhaps you are going to be wrong about certain things.  That perhaps your brain is seeing things not for what they actually are.  In short, WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.  Learn it, live it, deal with it, and most importantly, BEAT IT! 

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4.)  ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN UNTIL THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED

I have learned that depression and anxiety change.  It fluctuates.  it moves.  Honestly, its quite scary because you will never know what the fuck is going on if you leave it unchecked.

For me, if I don’t focus on fixing my depression and work hard at it, I break into really bad health anxiety.  its like this weird automatic response.  For a while I even had really bad agoraphobia.

There was a period where my anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t even focus on how depressed I was.  Doing something as simple as walking 3 blocks to the grocery store without passing out was considered a victory.   Then, when I got into therapy and started examining why everything had fallen apart I developed more strength.  The old me started coming back…. and the depression came back, which honestly, once you experience panic attacks, depression is a much-welcomed improvement

(Can I get a What What from all my homeboys with anxiety?)

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My Tip: Understand, accept, and conquer.

Understand that you’re not dying nor are you losing your mind (well…you lost your mind a little). But don’t fear.  Don’t think that now that you have a new problem you’re not used to that everything is over.  It isn’t.  However, its time to…

Accept that we have now reached a new time and place in your life.  Clearly you have changing problems or compounding problems.  This isn’t a time for rolling over and letting the wolves tear you apart.  In fact, just the opposite.  Its now time to…

Conquer this fucking shit.  Demand someone to bring you the head of John The Baptist because you are about to go hardcore, balls-to-the-wall, Game Of Thrones style batshit crazy against your foe known only as depression and anxiety.

 

 

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Its judgement day people, fight and win.  I guarantee you that you have it in you, even if you don’t know it yet!

 

Alright so there are 4 things I’ve learned so far.  Anyone else have anything to add?  Anything you’ve learned?  Always love to hear your opinion and thoughts!

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

People Like Us (Or, Others Will Never Know How Bad Our Bad Days Are)

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So today I am having a very bad day.

I turn 26 tomorrow.  Im living in a foreign country where I don’t know anyone.  I don’t have a job I like and I’m still struggling to find someone who gets me.  To find my other half….or just find a good friend.

Now most people have bad days….

But this is how my bad feels:

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Now people let me explain to you what is happening to me right now.

I get so insanely depressed that I feel like I can’t move.  It feels like if I stand I am going to just fall over and pass out.  I have an insane stomach ache.  I feel like I’m just too dizzy and distracted and irritated by everything.

This then brings out my health anxiety.  I am now getting thoughts like, “Im going to die”.  “All these symptoms must mean something”.  “I have a health condition I don’t know about”

So BAM BITCHES!  JUST LIKE MAGIC HERE I AM! 

The crazy-addled lunatic you see before you.

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AND THE WORST PART IS THAT ALL THIS CRAZINESS IS FOR NOTHING! 

We can’t tell anyone about this because if we do we will be ridiculed, judged, and misunderstood.

WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT?   I believe they call that ‘adding salt to the wound’….. those fuckers.

 

SO WHAT TO DO NOW? 

I mean its just us you guys.  We need to be there for each other.  I NEED SOME INSPIRATION…. no no, WE ALL NEED SOME INSPIRATION!

lets do this shit.

play this:

 

Oh yes my dears, there be a storm a brewing out there!

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But we can do this!  We are a strong and sturdy group of swashbucklers.  Oh yes…. this aint be our first rodeo no sir!

We must commandeer a vessel!

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Ah she shall do!  We shall name her The Albatross. Because the albatross is a commonly misconceived omen of bad luck when in reality what the story states is that the albatross is an omen of good luck at sea… killing the albatross in a desperate attempt to show ones masculinity is what caused the downfall of the crew.  (get it?  its misunderstood like us… god i should totally be an author or something)

Sail on bitches, sail on!

Time for a musical number about how cabin fever has ravaged our minds and caused us to go crazy (When in reality we all know thats bullshit because we were totally crazy before we went out to sea)

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Now if you’ll all look to the left, you’ll see all the commoners in a sinking ship.   Thats right, they’re not able to handle the stormy seas that we are forced to live with everyday.  So go ahead, stick up your middle finger and shout cunt as loud as you can!  …im sure they’ll be fine

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Ah yes, rough seas will always give way to a sunny day. And because we did it together as a crew we made it.  Safe, happy, secure.

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Remember everyone, stick in there.  Be there for each other and always remember when you’re having a bad day, it will always get better. Im already feeling better having written that post!

~ The Dark Horse

and no this was not proof read!  I was in a state of mental distress!  HOW AM I EXPECTED TO PROOF READ WHEN IM CRAZY?  HHHHHMMMM?????