Category Archives: gay

PRIDE. (Or, Misery, Loneliness, and Dread.)

pride

So, I just got back from my trip to London, and I’m very disappointed to say, it was horrible. And making everything even worse is that now I’m back in New York City and WorldPride is going on, so gays are everywhere.

…Having just read what I wrote above, I think I need to clear something up – I am gay. Not a homophobe.

Let me explain where the problems are coming from,

So, I was in London on a press trip for Pride. It was me and two other reporters from the US. Then, the big part of the trip was the flight back to New York City for pride. On the flight, the 3 of us US reporters were seated amongst 30 gay UK reporters.

The 30 UK reporters all knew each-other. The gay media scene in the UK isn’t that large since the country isn’t that large. So, all the UK guys were sassily cliqued up with who they knew, and didn’t take the time to introduce themselves to any of us.

NYC Gay Pride March 2018

To make it even worse, to celebrate Pride, the plane started playing “gay music” to celebrate. Britney, Madonna, Cher, Ariana – all singers that I really don’t give a shit about. In only a few minutes, the plane stopped functioning like a normal flight. Everyone had gotten up in the aisles to dance, mingle with their friends, and drink.

It was the stereotypical bitchy sass-fest you’d imagine with a group of gay men. The UK reporters loudly gossiped about the bad parties they had gone to, the lame gays they knew who obviously weren’t as cool as them, and bragged about the trips they had gone on (which…HELLO! We were all reporters who had gone places! Who the fuck are you bragging to exactly?)

One of the US reporters found a UK reporter he knew, and gleefully jumped up and ran over to his group to join in on the “fun.” And throughout the entire 8-hour flight – a flight that was supposed to be celebrating pride, equality, and the LGBTQ siblinghood – How many of those reporters do you think ever took the time to introduce themselves to me, or ask who I was… The answer is zero. 

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And that’s the problem with PRIDE in general.  PRIDE has nothing to do with Pride. PRIDE has nothing to do with friendship. PRIDE has nothing to do with equality.

PRIDE is a status symbol. Gays wearing a rainbow shirt is like a straight guy wearing a Patriots jersey. It’s social signaling, saying “I’m on the team.” Attending PRIDE parties is like attending a football game, it’s for fun. Nothing more. There is no moral high ground to PRIDE.

It’s a bunch of people dressing up and partaking in the gay societal norms, snapcahtting, instagramming, and tweeting all along the way…for one reason alone. To say, “I WAS HERE. I DID THIS. I’M COOL. I’M TRENDY. I’M PART OF THIS.” 

New York City Gay Pride Parade 2015

When we landed, they put all the reporters in a bus and took us into Manhattan. In the bus, everyone howled and raved about the flight…

“Did you see….OMG they were so smashed, I was like, Gurl!”

“OMG! It was so nuts. I literally can’t believe it!”

“And OMG…. was like, hogging so much aisle space when he was dancing, I was like, honey, this a cramped space, you need to be more aware, like OMG, right?”

And so on…

All the reporters who had gotten sloppy drunk, were now thrilled to have something new to talk about. AND OF COURSE, when retelling the stories of the sloppiest people, they never included themselves. It was always someone else who was the sloppiest. Someone else who didn’t partake the way they should have, someone else who just didn’t get “how it goes.”

I felt like I was back in high school. I couldn’t believe grown adults were acting like children.

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The band PWR BTTM has a song that says, “When you are queer, you are always 19…” And I think that’s true. It seems like the gays are always so immensely immature. Like they’re always trying to be the popular girl they never got to be when they were young. All that hiding and lying they had to do in their youth explodes when they finally come out as adults, and then, they live forever, trying to be the Regina George they couldn’t be when they had the chance.

I was supposed to cover WorldPride with that group of reporters. In fact, we got put up in a very fancy hotel. And were given swag bags that had some very valuable things inside (like gift cards loaded with $100).

But I just couldn’t handle it. 

LA Pride Parade 2018 (Photo by Chris Tuite)

If any of you have read this blog before, you know that growing up, I was treated like shit. And to spend a weekend surrounded by people like this… people who would gleefully throw someone under the bus if they knew it would give them publicity… I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I was on the verge of crying when I walked into the hotel room. It was gorgeous, on the 16th floor, in downtown Manhattan. The entire room was just stunning, with a bathroom anyone would kill to take even one shower in. I looked through my swag bag… and saw all the expensive things inside. I felt horrible for giving all of this up. The amount of money that must have spent on it made me feel sick, for being privileged enough to just leave it all there.

But then I thought about having to stay there the whole weekend. Stay there with those people. Stay there listening to non-stop gossip about people I didn’t even know. Nonstop social media obsession, snapping pictures of every moment to be seen by their adoring “fans” online. Could I really do it?

The answer was no. When everyone went up to their rooms, I quietly checked out and left.

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And now, here I am. Alone.

This was going to be my first PIRDE. But instead, I’m going hide from it. It’s hard knowing that everyone can find such pleasure and happiness in things that don’t mean anything to me. And it’s even worse that since I’m gay, everyone thinks I’m SUPPOSED to love this.   Everyone talks to me like this is the fucking super bowl for gay people, and want to know how excited I am.

But I’m not. In fact, I hate it. I hate that everyone gets to have fun except me. I hate that once again I’m on the sidelines. I hate that my personality has once again not clicked with yet another group of people. I hate that when you’re gay, society tries to box you in, forcing you to only assimilate with other LGBTQ people. Because I don’t feel that they are my people.

At no point during that flight did i ever feel represented. At no point did I ever feel welcomed. At no point did I ever feel included. Or even wanted. The reality is that gay people are just like straight people – We’re diverse. There is no one lifestyle that we like. So, to assume that all gays want to wear rainbows, listen to Madonna, and get smashed as they gossip like 1950’s housewives is bullshit. And what’s even shittier is that the gays willingly jump into this lifestyle like there’s no other way to live.

 

So, from me to the world, I kindly say, fuck all of you.

~ The Dark Horse

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Why Pride is Still Needed

pride

So, I’m writing this because of all the backlash that pride month is getting this year. For some reason, straight people are feeling the need to create “straight pride parades”, ban gay pride parades, and harass LGBT people and their allies on social media.

I’m going to write about my experiences to hopefully show why Pride is still important, and how LGBTQ people are not treated equally or given “special treatment” like some suggest. I’m also writing knowing that this IS NOT worst that the LGBTQ community goes through. I’m in no way trying to say I’ve had it the worst. Quite the opposite actually – I’m trying to show how everyday homophobia still exists. Homophobia is more than just a gay person being murdered.  LGBTQ people can be treated like shit on various levels in all aspects of life, and while nothing is as tragic as a murder, the “smaller” things add up when a community has to deal with it regularly.

Here are some things I’ve had to go through…

Harassment 
Growing up in Ohio, I was called faggot daily at school, my health teacher in high school told me that I since I was gay, I was going to die of AIDS, and people refused to be my friend. Even if they weren’t homophobic themselves, their association with me would ruin their social lives, and potentially lead to them getting called faggot as well. So, to be safe, those who didn’t hate me kept their distance out of fear.

Pride is important because, like me, those who come from areas where nobody accepted them feel alone and hopeless. Pride events show them that they are not alone.

Neglect
Neglect is normal for LGBTQ people. I didn’t know how my parents would react to me being gay, so I didn’t tell them until I moved out. My German teacher in high school was particularly homophobic and while I had books thrown at me, had my backpack stolen, and threats of being beaten up, she causally looked the other way, ignoring everything.

Pride is important because because, like me, those who have never had anyone stand up for them feel unsafe and scared of the world. Pride events show them that they are allowed to walk this earth without fear.

Employment
Finding employment, retaining employment, and having a happy and healthy worklife is difficult for LGBTQ people. Let me use my experience as an example. I was hired at Outback Steakhouse. Soon after, the manager who hired me transferred to another store. The new manager, a ridiculously stereotypical straight man, hated me from the day he walked through the door.
Obviously, it’s impossible to prove that it was homophobia. AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM. In this country, with our laws, anyone can simply say they didn’t like an employee or coworker because of their performance, or their attitude, or some similar complaint, and then the LGBTQ person is helpless in fighting for their rights.
For my example, the manager soon hired his granddaughter. Like me, she was one of the hosts, so we worked together regularly. She pestered me about my sexuality endlessly, until one day I got fed up and finally told her I was gay to shut her up.
She then paraded around the restaurant, loudly telling everyone that I was gay, and how weird that was. When she got back up to the host stand, I said, “You know, I know this job seems like nothing to you, because you were hired simply because your grandfather owns the place, but for some of us, this money is important.”
Guess which one of us got fired for “harassing another employee…”
Exactly.

Pride is important because, like me, many LGBTQ people have experienced real inequality that isn’t fair and isn’t right. Pride events give them a space to tell stories and discuss experiences with others in a safe space.

Depression, Anxiety, Anger, and Fear
Rates of depression and anxiety run high in the LGBTQ community. And anger about the past, the fear for the future linger for us all. For example, my current roommate in New York City, one of America’s most liberal cities, is a Trump supporter.
I have to hear him talk to all of his friends in our living room about how annoying gay people are and how “they’re always looking for attention.” He also said he supports the idea of companies being able to refuse service to LGBTQ people. He even told his friends how he thinks it’s gross and wrong when guys “act too gay.”
Now, listen to me…I never would have moved into this place had I known this beforehand. But when I visited the apartment before I moved in, the questions of “Who did you vote for in 2016” or “Do you find gay people gross?” never came up. This NYC for fuck sakes! I didn’t think I had to ask questions like that. But guess what, unfortunately when you’re LGBTQ, you do. Even in 2019.
We don’t get to blindly trust our peers the way straight people do. We don’t get to walk into situations assuming that people won’t hate us. We don’t even get to hold hands in public without the entire world staring us down.

AND THAT IS WHY PRIDE IS SO IMPORTANT. Because the LGBTQ community does not yet have equality.
We don’t yet have safety.
We don’t yet have peaceful lives.
PRIDE is to help us stay sane. It’s for us to feel worthwhile, to feel accepted, and to feel a part of something.

Thank you for reading.

Dear Trans Community…We Need To Talk.

dear trans community...

 

Alright, so I need to have a heart-to-heart with my fellow LGBTQ community. And trigger warning, this post will probably come off as offensive and will mention graphic sexual material. Sorry in advance.

Ok, so let’s just put this out there: Trans people….what are you doing? I feel the need to write about this because this has happened to me multiple times now and I’m genuinely curious and confused by it.

What has happened is that trans guys have messaged me on the gay apps. When I tell them that I’m not interested, they obviously ask why, and so I tell them because I’m not into trans men. I am a gay man, and therefore, I love cock and balls with sexy bush .

 

I am then immediately told that I am transphobic. 

 

Really? 

 

Am I? 

 

For Real? 

 

So then I ask, How am I transphobic? 

And the response is always this: You claim to be a gay man, so therefore you should be attracted to anyone who identifies as male.

I then respond with: No…I am a gay male because I am attracted to the male body and all its giblets.

The trans guys always respond with:  No, I identify as male, you should treat me as one.

And then I’m like… Look dude, I respect you and I see you as male and I think you deserve rights and happiness, but the second you pull down your pants, and rather than a honking, raging boner, with a couple of balls knocking around, you have a vagina, I won’t be able to get hard…because I don’t find vagina attractive.

(PS- there’s also the HUGE issue of “non-passing” trans guys, which, as a gay man, it would be very hard to be sexually attracted to a trans man who has a vagina, and still looks physically like a woman… but you can’t bring that up to trans people because then they call you transphobic again…. so, anyways, moving on…)

 

So, then I’m like, why don’t you have sex with guys who are into trans guys? For example, I have a friend.  a really good friend, who is in trans women. My friend isn’t a weirdo or scuzzy. He is a safe and stable guy with a good stable job. He just loves trans women.

And then the trans guys are always like, No! Those guys are just using me as a fetish!

And then I’m like… Ok, so you’re hitting up gay men. Men who are interested in cocks and balls… and get mad when they’re not into you. And then, when you have a group of people who are into trans people… but you refuse to allow any of them to love you because you think that you’re being used… It sounds like you’re not allowing yourself to be happy. 

 

They then say something along the lines of, “No, you just don’t find me attractive because of cultural norms. Gender is a spectrum! You don’t get it! Society has told you that because you’re gay, you should only be attracted to one type of person!

And then I’m like…. Actually, I’m from Ohio you obnoxious privileged New Englander… I spent my entire youth growing up having everyone hate me for being gay. And all I ever heard was that I’m supposed to like vagina because that’s what’s “normal”.  I assure you that all those years of being beat up and harassed was very much not me following the social norm.  And furthermore, I’ve spent enough years of my life being told I’m supposed to be into vagina. I’m not. Sorry. I am just not. And I’m not in the mood for the LGBTQ community to start telling me that as well. I know who I am and I know what I like.

Then I’m called transphobic again and they repeat the whole gender is a spectrum argument…which I full agree with. Gender can be a spectrum, and people can do whatever they want…just like I can do whatever I want and be into whatever I’m into…and what I’m into is a nice cock, low hanging balls, and a hairy chest.

Then I get the whole “That’s just what society wants you to believe” argument again…

So then I say this:

 

Ok, look at this picture.

alba1

By your argument of, as a gay man I should be interested in anyone who identifies as male regardless of physical body, then, hypothetically, I should be attracted to this picture of Jessica Alba if she said she identifies as male. Correct? 

 

Then they get really mad and tell me that I’m mean and that I just don’t get it, because I don’t want to get it, and that I’m transphobic and such.  Then they normally block me, so the conversation ends.

 

So, trans people, what are your thoughts? What am I not seeing that you’re seeing? because I am 100% confused, and completely shocked that I’ve had multiple trans people say the exact same things to me.

 

Also, this is 2018! I fully believe that there are trans men out there who are capable of creating a website or app. Why doesn’t the trans community create their own dating app? That way you can self-select the community you speak to. That way you’ll know any guy who has made an account on that app is into trans people!

Just like, as a gay man, I would never log into Bumble, because that is for straight people. It’s a women seeking men and men seeking women app. That doesn’t mean that I think the Bumble app is homophobic. It’s just that heterosexual people aren’t into the same sex. So, is there no way for the trans community to move off and make their own apps as well?

Anyone else have thoughts they’d like to share? Again, I’m sorry if this all sounds transphobic. I literally don’t understand how it does. I just think it’s preference.

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

 

AIDS IS HELL

crisis

 

This is the last week of school before Christmas break. And for Tuesday’s class, we’ve been tasked with reading Paul Monette’s Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir. And this is the strangest feeling ever.

Im so excited for Christmas break. No school. No homework. Just relaxation and the joys of Christmas – The lights, the music, the snow, the food. the presents!  And yet, that joy is mixed with a feeling of nausea. Reading this book is probably one of the hardest I’ve had to read, along with our books on the Holocaust last month. Ever page weighs on my chest.

crisis1

AIDS crept into the gay community like a stalker in the night. The virus itself is actually brilliant. It’s smart. It knows how to survive. It can sit dormant for long periods of time, infecting more and more of your body before any dire symptoms arise. By the time the worlds realized that there was a “Gay disease” it was too late. Enough men were infected with the virus (and were also asymptomatic) that it was hopeless. Men were having sex because they felt fine, unknowingly spreading the virus that caused what was then called “gay-related immune deficiency” or GRID.

There were tons of misinformation in the beginning. The disease was prevalent among Haitians, leading researchers to believe that was the origin of the disease. Also, since it was mainly gay men having with the disease, it was assumed it was a gay problem. And with America being both racist and homophobic, GRID wasn’t seen as a problem, because really, who cared about faggots and poor foreigners anyways? was the common thought.

The disease spread, originally being seen as something that only big-city slutty gays would get. It was believed that exposure took time, and related sexual intercouse. New York and San Fransisco were the hotbeds of the disease for America, with LA leading on their tail.

crisis3

 

The Reagan administration was completely homophobic, passing no LGBT legislation, and Reagan was openly against homosexuality. Along with that, many religions refused to to take part in what was now known as HIV (Human immunodieffeinrcy virus) education. The church refused to take a stance, saying only condoms were against God and that refraining from sex was the only answer for gays.

Gay men were dropping like flies. The death-toll rose daily. HIV cases began sprouting up around the world in countries like Australia, Canada, Brazil, and had been in Africa for quite some time (It is now believed that HIV originated in Kinshasa, DRC, and was transferred to humans from the primate disease SIV).

The gay community sat and wondered wonder if they would survive, or if they were simply waiting for their turn to die.

crisis4

A slew of early-stage HIV medication was used, like AZT, with little success. And protests began, begging the world to take the disease seriously and stop the genocide of the gay community.

 

Finally, in the late-90’s and into the 2000’s, after the gay community suffered in fear and mourning for almost 20 years, AIDS research took a turn for the better with more funding and more dedicated research being given to the disease. And all of this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the grassroots non-profits and the protests from groups like ACT UP.

Now, in 2018, we have Prep, which is a daily pill that can help reduce your chances of HIV infection with an almost 100% success rate. And we have PEP which is a series of pills that can be taken within 72 hours of exposure to the virus, and can prevent it from infecting you.

We also have our strongest set of weapons:  Knowledge. 

We know that condoms can save lives. We know that HIV is everywhere, not just the gay community. We know that being smart about sex, and being smart about who you have sex with, can also save lives.

 

Being a gay guy in 2018, I have to say that I am so fortunate and so privileged to benefit from the actions of the gay community of the 80s, 90s, and 00s. I’m so relieved that I never had to go through the crisis period, where they spent everyday finding out another friend was infected or had died, or worse still, finding out that they themselves had the disease.

crisis5

 

 

I remember the famous Newsweek cover about Saving Private Ryan that said “War Is Hell”

crisis6

 

Well, after reading this book I’ve also learned that HIV/AIDS is also hell. And the gay community were the grunts on the frontlines. The ones who died so that the world could come away with knowledge of the disease, and medication, and a future of potential hope.

 

And to all my fellow gays, here in 2018, I ask that we be smart. Viruses are much better at their jobs than we are. They evolve and adapt so much faster than human medication. And I know a lot of younger gays see Prep and PEP and the savior we’ve been waiting for. The “end of AIDS”, but viruses don’t work that way. If not used properly, the virus can form a resistance to the drug, thus creating a second epidemic that will take countless lives. And also, I know a lot of gays these days see Prep as such an all-all-encompassing cure, that they feel there is no longer a need for condoms.

To that I say, READ THIS BOOK. Read about how slow and agonizing a death from AIDS is. Read about wasting. Read about the constant weakness, the constant pain, and the knowledge that there is no cure. You want to see hell? I would imagine that dying slowly, knowing there is no way out of it, knowing that if you would have just used a condom all of this could have been prevented…. That’s hell. I can’t imagine a worse hell.

Because at the end of the day, HIV isn’t a disease for sluts or whores. It takes 1 time.

1 time.

 

1 single encounter.

 

That’s all. So always use a condom. 

crisis2

This Christmas, remember we are so fortunate to live in the time we live in. And because of that, we need to respect our past and those who died for us. And we also need to respect future generations. Do we want to pass HIV on to the next generation? FUCK NO.

So, this holiday season:

Get to know your sexual partner first,

Wear a motherfucking condom,

Volunteer at an HIV nonprofit, take part in and AIDS walk, or donate to a charity, like this one here: AIDS UNITED

Or, go to the next step, and help out at your local LGBTQ youth center. Help educate the new generation. Help inspire young runaways. Help in any way you can, because it’s our fucking duty as gays. Our community has been to hell and back, and let’s not go there again.

Can I get an Oorah!, please?

oorah

 

 

~ The Dark Horse

AMERICA, YOU ARE JUST LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL

high

In my last post, I was in a weird mood. I was pretty depressed.  In fact, the last two weeks I’ve been really down. The thoughts of depression and anxiety were nagging at me: You’ll never be a writer. You have no talent. You’ll always be alone. You are the problem, it’s always you. you, you, you! 

And then people were killed at Kroger.

And then a bunch of bombs were mailed to people all over America.

And then a synagogue was shot up.

    People, look. I don’t care what your political party is. The Trump administration is a disaster, and it’s ruining our country. The hateful rhetoric coming out of that man’s mouth (and those in his administration) is fueling the fires for the already hateful amongst us.

And to make matters worse, his followers are completely separated from reality and therefore are putty in his hands. As a Kathy Griffin fan, I felt compelled to write on Donald Trump’s Facebook page that he and his family spent an entire week destroying her; Calling her disgusting and evil. They did everything they could to ruin her career. She was put on a no-fly list, and had to take part in a federal investigation that accused her of actually plotting to assassinate Trump.

And yet, when bombs were sent out.

Actual Bombs…

cnn

The Trumps were oddly silent. A few comments here and there. Trump, you could tell, was forced to say it was wrong, and he said with the conviction of a wet mop. And then hours later he went back to blaming the media for all of this.

So, I felt like posting on his Facebook page, reminding him that he spent more time talking shit about Kathy Griffin than he did about 12 bombs being mailed out that could have taken multiple lives.

Yes. Ladies and Gentlemen, your President.   

I was immediately bombarded with tons of responses from Trump supporters informing me that the bombs were clearly a liberal conspiracy. Planted by Democrats to garner sympathy and persuade the “libtards” and “snowflakes” to hate Trump. 

First off, why? Wouldn’t Libtards already hate Trump? Where is the logic in this?

Apparently, to Trump supporters,  liberals are jealous of Trump. Trump does so many amazing and wonderful things that liberals are lost in jealousy and are determined to hate him no matter what.

But then, wait what?!?

bomb

It turns out that the bombs weren’t actually sent out by the Democratic party?

…wow, big shock (cough).

And of course, the responses on my Facebook post went dead silent.

So I probed a little further, and responded asking anyone if they cared to share with me how they felt now that they learned it wasn’t a liberal conspiracy.

more silence.

But within a few hours, Trump supporters were once again vocal around the country, hailing Trump and saying all of this was the fault of someone else, anyone else. Lost in delusion.

And that’s America. This is our country. The place we have to live. The place that has gone completely insane. 

And I think this is where a lot of my recent depression and anxiety is coming from. Part of me honestly feels like there’s no hope for this country, or for a future life here. I hate Republicans for how insane their greed has made them. I hate Democrats for not standing up to them more. I hate that it feels like the bullies are somehow on top. We have coyotes running the henhouse, and we all know that can’t be good. 

And that’s when it hit me: THIS IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL. 

This is why I’m stuck constantly looking back at life in Ohio…because this country is running like a giant recreation of my high school experience. The bad are rewarded and get to live happily in their delusions. Nobody holds them accountable.

In high school, it was just accepted that because I was gay, I was bad. It was my fault, I was the problem, I brought this all upon my self.

And now, it’s just generally accepted that Trump and Republicans are in power, will say insane things, and then we just let them. Even as a synagogue is shot up, bombs sent, a car runs over a protester in Virginia, people are stabbed to death in Portland by a racist, and a black church is set on fire an has the words VOTE TRUMP written on it.

Listen bitches, I’ve been here before.

cunts

 

I’ve dealt with these shitty little twats my whole life. Growing up in the Rust Belt has given me firsthand experience in what the rest of America is now experiencing. And this one thing that I need to remember, and that I want to share with all of you as well:

They didn’t take me down back then, so they’re not going to take me down now.

 

I waited tables all throughout high school in my crappy Ohio town so I’d be able to escape and go someplace better. I worked and worked and worked and managed to move to LA for college. I’ve been able to live and work in Australia, New Zealand, and China. I’ve overcome fucking agoraphobia.

I aint gonna let some uneducated greedy racist white trash piece of shit make me feel like this country doesn’t belong to me.

Oh honey….hellz to da No you aint!

honey

 

Today, I’m re-vowing the same things I did when I was fifteen. Back when I was in my bedroom, friendless, watching the movies that inspired me to go see the world:

“I will not let these people take me down. I will not let them make me feel bad. I will not let them force me to give up. I will not give them what they want. 

I’m going to live my fucking life and be successful and happy because I’m fucking allowed to.”

Eye to the Sky. 

 

~ The Dark Horse

Hanson, And The Youth I Never Got To Have

DAMN YOUHANSON

 

So, feel free to judge me. I have no shame. I was listening to Hanson on YouTube yesterday.

Yeah.

Deal with it.

Anyways, it gets even more embracing than that.

So, I’m watching a live recording of their song This Time Around:

And as I’m watching the video, I realize that I’m staring at the guy singing… holy fuck dude, he was so fuckin hot! 

Look at him! 

Screen Shot 2018-10-23 at 3.59.01 PM.png

 

Look at the flawless skin. Those soft perfect lips. That perfect hair! That in-shape and healthy body. Look at that human perfection.

I’m 28. But I feel so much older. If anyone has read tis blog before you probably know, and for anyone who hasn’t, well, my past was filled with going through hell in my hometown of Ohio for being gay, running away to LA, only to wind up having sex on the streets for money, which did wonders for my mental stability, then I went to Melbourne where I struggled with anxiety, panic, and even became agoraphobic. I’ve been alone almost my entire life. Having to be an army of one. I’ve struggled with sex addiction. I struggle with my self-esteem. I feel alone all the time. And I fear I’ll never bee successful and that I’ll die alone.

On the inside, I’m not 28. I feel like a haggard 80 year old on their death bed. I don’t know how I’ve even managed to be such a horrible person. Or how I’ve managed to live this long.

And then watching this video, it just hit me. YOUTH. I never got to have a social life in high school. I hardly even had interaction with people my age. Nobody would speak to me. And then after high school when I went to LA… well, that wasn’t exactly my finest hour….

And Melbourne… I was collapsing every time I left my apartment. Who would want to hang out with me? How was I supposed to make friends when I couldn’t even walk to the grocery store without having a mental breakdown?

And now, in retrospect, I look back….

The “Prime years” of my life. The years where most people are stupid, innocent, and naive. The years when most people are their youngest, healthiest, prettiest selves. When all they want to do is have fun. Unaware of how cruel the world is.

All mine were wasted. Mine were filled with nothing but struggle, pain, and misery.

And now what do I do? 

The “Best Years” that everyone spends the rest of their lives talking about are gone. I never had them. In fact I’m hoping that most people’s Best years, are the Worst that ever happen in my life.

han

 

ugh…. look at these little twats. They made so much god damn money off that fucking song…

Ugh… Im bitter today, sorry. 

 

 

Anyways….

So, I guess this is something I need to learn to live with and accept. My past is the past. It’s over. I will never get to have carefree years or dog days of summer. I won’t ever know what it’s like go to a Prom or a college party. I won’t ever know the blissful feeling of truly thinking the world is an easy place where the biggest worries of your day is “What am I going to do this weekend.”

That isn’t my life. And I’m hoping that there’s somehow a strength in that.

I’m hoping that it means something, or leads to something.

I’m hoping that my experience, as crappy as it was, somehow provides me with some sort of insight that will make my life better in the long run.

But who knows…

All I do know is,

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OMG WHO IS THIS ONE? He’s sooooooo sexy too!

God damn cute boys… motherfuckers should come with a *trigger warning* sign attached to them.

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But uuugghhhh….. Long hair piano boy has that voice.  OMG. This is hard. Who am I crushing on harder? I don’t even know anymore…

 

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Ok, I’m actually really falling for guitar guy. He’s clearly The Man of brothers.

 

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OH FUCKING HELL…. Please, take me anywhere, I shall follow!

 

 

Alright people, I’m gonna go cry and masturbate or something.

Keep on keeping on!

~ The Dark Horse

 

PS- OF course this wasn’t proofread, I’ve been lost in the surprisingly amazing **cough cough** voices of the Hanson brothers.