Category Archives: health

Depression and Weather

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So has anyone else out there noticed that your depression and weather seem to go hand-in-hand?     So right now in Ohio we’ve had like a 5-day cloudy streak.   Not a partly cloudy streak, or a rainy streak…. just thick thick grey clouds that don’t produce rain…..

The kind where the sun doesn’t ever break though.   And the entire world seems to be dimmed by the lack of sunlight.   I don’t even mind rain.  At least with rain you have the beauty of water falling everywhere.   The noise of life outside your window.    And if we’re really lucky we can get some thunder and lighting!  I feel oddly alive when there is a storm.   Also during a storm I feel like I actually have an excuse to just brew some tea and snuggle up and watch the rain if I so choose.

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Cloudy days however don’t give me that great feeling.    Cloudy days make me feel FUCKING HORRIBLE.  

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Like have any of you ever seen Melancholia?   Where Kirstin Dunst is so depressed she literally can’t even get out of the bathtub sometimes?   Yeah its like that…. (well ok not really that bad)  But still I feel horrible.  I can feel myself falling asleep at the gym.   I can feel myself being drowsy when I drive somewhere.  I can feel myself feeling lethargic from just standing up and doing anything.  So fuck you clouds, you dirty bastards.  Go away and stay away.

 

But to do when its cloudy outside?   Well going online, the advice seems shitty as fuck.  Apparently its a good idea to move to a warm sunny climate….. So thats right all you middle class people out there!    All you have to do is quit your job, leave your family, sell your house, somehow obtain a visa for Belize, and you’re good to go!   DUH ITS THAT SIMPLE PEOPLE! 

…..Yeah I know, crappy advice.

Another real gem is to buy one of those artificial sunlight lamps and to lay under it like you’re tanning…. apparently it tricks your mind into thinking its sunny or something?   But personally, I can’t see how sitting inside a room of your house during the day, under a lamp, would make me feel like anything besides a patient at the dentist.

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Although then again….the beach sounds like a better idea now doesn’t it?

For real though, when it comes to the weather I honestly have no idea how to feel better besides to just wait it out.    Does anyone out there have any good ideas?  Or tricks of your own?  If so, leave it in the comments section, id love to hear it!

~ The Dark Horse

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Depression, The Hidden Killer

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So I’m back in hometown for a few months…. ugh the raging shithole only gets worse I tell ya.

 

Right now my hometown is going through a really fun heroin epidemic that is caused from people becoming addicted to opiates and then needing a stronger and stronger high.  What is happening is that they’re turning to heroin in desperation for bigger highs and then theyre have overdoses and dying.

good times.

 

So now myBut  hometown is having this massive campaign of like, “end the stigma of heroin recovery”.   “Go find help, people are there for you”.     “Here are heroin recovery stories” and all this stuff…. which look, is great.  I mean if you’re on heroin please get help.  Like seriously, you’re destroying yourself and most likely everyone around you.

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But at the same time I also can’t help but kind of be massively annoyed.    My hometown is very conservative.   Its a shithole in Ohio.  Most people are republican and the ones who are democrats aren’t actually that liberal.  They’re Ohio-level liberal which is still pathetically moderate.

So where am I going with all this?  Why am i rambling?

 

Well it just boggles my mind how growing up here I was always like, Hey I’m gay and getting beat up all the time for it.  My teachers watch and do nothing.  I really want to make movies and go write books to inspire people to be better.  To help people who are in a situation like mine.  I just really need someone to be there for me. I just need a friend.  A mentor.   Anyone who can see how much pain Im in all the time.   Anyone to make the constant harassment and loneliness end.

And I was just met with,  “Well its your own fault”.  “Stop drawing attention to yourself”.  “You chose to be gay, stop lying, God hates you”.  “You have no talent”.   “Nobody Likes you”.   “you’re not worth it”.

 

But apparently if you’re a heroin addict then my hometown will be there for you.   Stories in the paper about hope.  About not being ashamed to ask for help.   Free helplines to get immediate help.   Stories about asking your family for forgiveness and help.

How is heroin addiction this puffy inspirational story that seems like it was written by the Susan G. Koman foundation?   And yet if you’re actually struggling and begging for help you don’t get it?

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This is why depression becomes a cycle.   A vicious horrible cycle.   And I have a feeling you all know this cycle as well.   We know what its like for people to not care about us.  We know the story.  You ask for help and you’re told things like, “Oh its just a bad day, grow up”.  Or, “You’re a drama queen”, or whatever excuse the normal human uses to dismiss your problems.   So we adapt.  We stop telling people how horrible we feel.  We stop sharing our feelings.

WE STOP TRUSTING OTHERS

 

Then we go internal.   We are the sole responsibility of our misery and pain because everyone else has made in painfully clear that they don’t want to deal with it.

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Then people with depression have high rates of abuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, sex and gambling addiction, and even worse, suicide.

 

So dear world:

DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE IN NEED OF HELP THAT PERHAPS WE WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS OF PEOPLE DYING OF HEROIN?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T TURN TO ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN AND THEN RAM INTO ANOTHER CAR WHILE SPEEDING HOME?

 

MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THIS IS THE DAY THEY CHOOSE TO DIE?

 

Hey, here is a side note to the common human, HAVE YOU EVER EVEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MAY BE LIKE TO ACTUALLY WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOURE SO MISERABLE? 

 

So look people there is hope.  All major countries have lifeline and depression hotlines.

Here is a list of lifelines throughout the world  USE THEM!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

 

Don’t let yourself go.  Self harm of any kind isn’t worth it.  I know you’re feeling like people don’t care.  But allowing yourself to die because the commoner doesn’t care about you is terrible…. I mean come on… normal people suck.  They are so Plain Jane.   Don’t let their words effect you.  YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, I KNOW YOU ARE

The Daily Grind Really Is Killing Us

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So the other week I made a post about how the daily grind is killing us and I feel like it came off as really crazy.  Like in an “I was an old man yelling at kids for being in his lawn” type of way.   And then wouldn’t you know it…. a few days ago I open the paper and what article do I see?  THE DAILY GRIND IS KILLING YOU was the title, and it was staring me right in the face.   And to make things even better, the study was conducted in my home state.   (Great job Ohio….you bunch of fuckers).

 

Anyways the study says that hating your job during your 20’s and 30’s leads to increased health issues in your 40’s and beyond.    Stress and misery it seems, is literally going to kill us.

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So what does this mean for us?  Well for me, it means I need to live my life.  I need to not settle for things I don’t want.    Bad jobs that bore me to death and that are beneath me need to stop.  I can’t keep picking the lowest hanging fruit simply because I fear failing.

And furthermore, look:  If being stressed and miserable at work kills us, I’m sure that being stressed and miserable in all other aspects of our life is also killing us.    Those of us who are struggling in life:  The depressed, the anxious, the scared, the abused, the all-around miserable.   We need to fight so hard so we don’t end up as just another statistic in this study.

 

Im not ready to give up and dammit neither should you guys!

 

Fight on my friends!

~The Dark Horse

 

I Had A Panic Attack At The Gym Today (Or, Never Back Down!)

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So whats the picture you’re looking at?  Well thats my hand.  And whats all those red marks?  Well thats blood.

You see , whenever I have a panic attack at the gym and I feel like I’m losing my mind, getting dizzy, tired, and am going to pass out, I go to the locker room because I keep a blood sugar monitor in my gym bag.

So I test my blood sugar, and if my sugars aren’t low, I force myself to walk back out onto the gym floor and continue with my workout.

Thats right.

I go back out on the floor with a bloody finger and champ on like nothing is wrong.

And obviously, when you have an open wound and you start lifting heavy things it encourages blood flow and so your hand gets a little….um….. red.

 

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So why am I bringing this all up?  Well because dealing with depression, anxiety, and panic is all about never giving up.  Its about not letting your brain win.  You my sweet little luvmuffins must rise above and kick ass.

 

I will admit, this is a much heated debate between me and my therapist:

She says she worries its a coping method.  Like a drug.   You get anxious, you then test, you then feel better from the reassurance.  Much like, a smoker craves the cigarette, lights one up and feels the burn, then feels better.

I see it as, I have 2 options: Have a panic attack and embarrass myself so badly at the gym that I never return, or I challenge my belief that I’m feeling weak, see its in my head, and then I force myself to continue on.

 

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So what have we debated it out to?  Well, we have come to an agreement:   Testing the blood sugar is ok for the time being since I only do it if Im having a panic attack.  If it was a habitual thing (Like, if I needed to test once a day to make sure I’m ok) then it would be a problem.   But we’ve both agreed that shedding a bit of blood is fine if it means I will 1.) Continue the workout and not freak out and leave, and 2.) Continue to regularly go to the gym.

 

Whats so important about working out and getting some exercising?  Well Im so glad you asked!  Theres tons of reasons!  obviously, keeping yourself healthy mentally and physically is very important for anyone, but especially for us with mental health issues.

“Well hey that sounds dandy!  What kind of benefits does it have for us folks?”

Well I’m so glad you asked!  Ill tell you now!

1.)  The one I’m sure you’ve all heard of.  exercise releases neurotransmitters, endorphins and endocannabinoids.   These are basically the “happy drugs” your body creates.  These chemicals interact with your brain and basically tell it to cheer the fuck up.

2.) Secondly, while temporarily lowering the immune system while working out, it has long-term immune system defense powers!   Its the same with muscles.  Your body goes “Oh damn this muscle is torn! Lets patch it up with more muscle!   and thats how you go from this to this:

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Same deal applies with the immune system.  Your body recognizes your body is in turmoil during a workout and therefore ups its game in the immune system.  Hence, healthier humans.

3.) Better self-esteem.  We are humans (sadly).  And despite the fact that we all experience so much pain and misery we still have our basic animalistic side.  Being less sexually desirable effects us mentally….as it should.   Its part of sexual selection.  Its how the human race learned to outcompete through evolution.   Its why fit healthy people raise fit healthy children.  Their genes are stronger.  Ever hear people talk about how “family history” with illnesses gives you a higher chance of having it?  Thats evolution.

We are attracted to physically fit people because its in our genes to be.  Fucking a hot person will mean heather babies.   Therefore, making your physical health better, actually makes you in better mental shape as well because your self esteem goes up!

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Consciously we see this as a “hot guy”.  But the reason for that is because our bodies are saying, “FUCK THIS MAN! HE WILL PRODUCE STONG HEALTHY OFFSPRING!”  ….However, I have to admit for gay guys like me…. the purpose of our sex drive seems relatively meaningless i suppose considering that a man on man experience will never produce offspring…. anyways, thats for another post.

4.) Lets all be straight up and honest here…. if you’re miserable and depressed theres one sure fire way to make it even worse, and thats getting fat, and lazy.  Now weight gain has SO MANY MORE implications than just being less sexually desirable.  Your immune system gets weaker, the health of your skin gets worse (which is why fatter people always seem to have blemishes and why fit people seem to have the skin of Greek gods) cholesterol becomes an issues, blood sugar levels, blood pressure, muscle and bone loss.   Exercise will just save all of us a whole lot of hassles, especially when we get older.

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5.) Social interaction is another huge one!   Even if you don’t talk to anyone at the gym.   Just being there, being around people, having a common goal with them.  That helps!

For example, Im sure all of you are like me and have had days where you’re just so depressed that you haven’t done anything.  Perhaps you didn’t even leave the house?  Maybe you went on Netflix and binged 9 or 10 episodes of a show in a row?   (Oh you’ve never done this???…. hahaha……youre full of shit).   And remember how bad you feel that night before you go to bed?   You almost feel like you’ve lost track of reality?  Time meant nothing, you didn’t see another human for an entire day.  You feel sticky and puffy.  Being around other humans is good for us because were humans.

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Need more inspiration?  DUDE….HOT PEOPLE!

Now I hate being shallow and I’m not for it in any way….. however, I make the exception for the gym.  Exercise is sooooooo good for your body, and if your inspiration to stay at the gym is gawking at hot people and having fantasies of fucking them THEN DO IT!  ITS YOUR LIFE PEOPLE! …..Looking at all the hot guys at the gym is one of the reasons why I love the gym so much!  And I say that with no shame! ….well some shame…. ok….. thats pretty trashy.  BUT DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO PEOPLE!

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And remember…thees always the locker room 😉

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keep up the good work people!

~ The Dark Horse

(This post was proofread for the most part)

Alone On Valentine’s Day (Its OK To Be Bitter)

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Ah Yes, its that time of year.  That one day a year when EVERYONE who has a date just loves to tell everyone that they have a date.  The day where marriages that have lasted 50 years are rekindled once more, and when waiting girlfriends become excited fiancés.

Its also the day where lonely people like me sit in front of a TV watching chick flicks eating cookies and pie.  Watching those lucky assholes have the time of their lives.

Bunch of fuckin cunts.

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Ah yes my little lonely lads and lasses.   Its just another holiday in our year that reminds us  we are alone.

But perhaps this is the perfect day for venting, not sobbing?

Perhaps were are viewing Valentine’s day all wrong?

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For you see, Valentine’s Day is also the one day of the year where those who do have love are kind of obligated to sit there and listen to us single people bitch.

….get where I’m going with this?

The new goal for Valentine’s Day is to ruin it for the happy people of the world!  Yes…. yes yes yes!!!!!!!   Put your bitter face on bitches cuz its time to ruin some poor innocent happy person’s day!

hate4Put on your Hulk face its time to go ape shit!

See those happy people over there?  Having a nice little picnic in the park?

 HAVE YOU EVER HAD A NICE LITTLE PICNIC IN THE PARK????? NO!!!! OF COURSE NOT! 

Now run over there and ruin it for them!    Go on!  Pour their wine all over yourself as you stomp on their cute little sandwiches he made to impress her!   Awwwwww….. he even wrapped up the silverware in a cloth napkin just like a restaurant! …….GRAB IT!   YES YOU HEARD ME!   ITS YOURS NOW! You never know when you’ll need a spare fork and knife!

 

 

Oh, would you look at this beautiful restaurant?   He must have paid a fortune to take her here.   He must really want to show her how special she is…… assholes.

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OOOOOHHHHHHH She’s soooooooo impressed.    He’s probably gonna get lucky tonight huh…..  Oh wait but look, you’ve decided to serve them the main course yourself… GO ON!  WALK OVER THERE AND SHOW THEM WHAT THEY WILL BE EATING TONIGHT!

 

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MWUAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!    Now at the top of your lungs scream PIGFUCKERS!!!!!!!  and then run out of the restaurant in the most delightful and disturbing way possible!

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But in all honesty, we shouldn’t ruin a good Valentine’s day for someone else.  But sometimes its nice to imagine it.  Get some of that bad energy out using our imagination.

One thing I do want to let all of you know is that you’re not alone…..  Well i mean you are…. but I’m alone too…. so you’re not alone in the fact that you’re alone?  get it?

If anyone out there is having an absolute awful day call these numbers:

for the USA call the Crisis hotline: 1-800-233-4357

For Australia call lifeline: 13-11-14

For New Zealand Lifeline: 0800 543 354

For all other counties find your crisis line here:

International Crisis Hotline Listings

Please Note:  None of these lines are for suicide only!   Anytime you’re having a really bad day or suffering an episode of ANY KIND:  depression, anxiety, mania, panic attack  ANYTHING!!! They are there to help!  Trust me, in my lifetime I have called all these numbers and you should never be afraid to!

~ The Dark Horse

…..this post wasn’t proof read,  why? ….because its Valentine’s day bitches.

How Do You Feel About The Term “Mental Illness”?

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So for starters I haven’t posted in a while because if you’ve noticed WordPress has recently updated and changed the login process and all my info was lost and blah blah blah…..  sorry.

 

Anyhoo, lets talk mental illness.  And for this I genuinely want your responses because this is a question I ask myself all the time.

How do you feel about this term?  Im torn.  On the one hand I feel like this:

 

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I hate the term.  To me it makes me feel like I have an incurable disease.  Like depression is a lifelong systematic destruction of my body like Lupus, cancer, or HIV.   I personally never say “I suffer from mental illness”.  i feel like its just so dark and dirty.   Like I’m almost admitting that it had complete control over me.

Have any of you been reading my posts from the start?  If so you’d know back in 2013 and 2014 I was a fucking mess.  I was literally collapsing on street corners and was seeing a therapist twice a week because I was so convinced that I was dying all the time.

The list was going on and on:  Major depression, dysteria (the opposite of hysteria), social anxiety, agoraphobia, hypochondriasis, sex addiction.

Now Im far far far from perfect right now but hey, I managed to move to a new country by myself! Im currently writing this post in a public cafe, I have a steady job, and I don’t feel like I’m digit anymore  (well…I still have my moments)  But the point is, this hasn’t killed me. This isn’t a cancer.

 

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But then I also think this:

 

But not everyone is me.

What if someone does have a serious mental problem that is so far out of their control they may not even know they have it?  Split personalities, schizophrenia, and so on.

If mental illness isn’t seen as an illness what does that make them? Weak people who can’t get their shit together?  Because I don’t think thats fair nor do I believe thats true.  I knew a girl back in college who had schizophrenia and when she would tell me stories about how she would get these impulses to just do horrible things when she wouldn’t take her meds….well I was just fucking terrified.

 

So, what is mental illness?  Is it a broken leg?  Find the problem and fix it? Or is it a cancer?  A condition that you’ll never get rid of.  Just a festering disease rotting you away?

 

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Or is “mental illness” with all its good intentions, just a horrible phrase.  A blanket statement so broad and foggy that it shouldn’t be used?

Maybe there should be different terms?

Maybe something like depression shouldn’t be seen as the same “illness” as schizophrenia?

Does the term “Mental Illness” make it seem like any and all mental problems stem from the same mysterious “illness”?

Are mental problems fixable?  Or are we all just fucked?

And lastly, is it possible that the reason people who suffer from mental problems have them for life due to a stigma form society?  Maybe if they felt embraced to seek help sooner they would not suffer so much?

Maybe they wouldn’t have to feel the shame of mental illness?

 

So tell me!  What do you all think?  I genuinely want to know.

~ The Dark Horse

(no this wasnt proofread…. i never proofread :p)