Category Archives: hope

The Innocence Of Anxiety

sun

 

So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

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Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

I Lost A Friend The Other Day (He Didn’t Die…We’re Just Not Friends Anymore…Sorry For Coming Off So Dramatic)

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So yeah, I lost a friend the other day.  It really sucks.  Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand.   He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him.   When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.

Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life.  Those are some memories I will never ever forget.

Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:

 He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.  

Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time.  For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.

YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:

BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?  

 

For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:

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But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.

 

 

Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect.  Far from it actually.   I Have fucked up so much in my past.  I have failed over and over again.   So who am I to judge I would tell myself?

 

Anyways, he really liked me.   He always wanted to be my boyfriend.   And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too.  He can be such a kind person when he wants to be.  Like when I would get sick he would order food for me.  It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks.  And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.   

But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me.  I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.

 

Then, a few months ago a new low was hit.  I remember talking to him while I was really down.  Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia

 

He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”

 

And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed.  You have a friends.  Friends that you’ve had for a long time.  I’d kill for that in my life.  You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at.   You literally have talent.  Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do!  And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want!  If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”

And he literally responded with:

“Yeah but I want you.  And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”

 

YES.   What a douche, I know.

 

And I was like,  “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that?  I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends.   You know how much it hurts for me to be alone.  And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”

 

I was literally disgusted.  So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.

 

However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends.  Texting and showing each other support for each other.  In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him!  I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.

But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you.  And one day I’ll have you”.

CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT!  We Have a Creeper On The Prowl

And I said,”You can’t do that to him.  It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.

 

And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him.  You’ll be mine someday”. 

Ok so,

1.)  Thank God he doesn’t know where I live.  Cuz….WTF

2.)  Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people.  Something a friend should have known about me.

3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?  Who willingly hurts and leads people on?

 

So anyways, friendship over.  Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.

 

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?

Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives.   Like,

 

 

 

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IM BACK IN SCHOOL!  Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends.  Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart. 

 

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Im writing!  I’m actually going for my dreams.  I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends! 

 

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Its March!  Which means Spring and Summer are on the way!   So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!

 

 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life?  And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock.  I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future.  Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

~ The Dark Horse

PS….this was soooooo not proof read.   sowwyz!

 

 

Life Really Can Get Better. You Just Need To Try (God, It Sounds Cliche, But It Works)

dave

 

So, this is super annoying, but my life is quickly getting better.  Like, so quickly it’s actually making me mad.  I’m mad that I sat in a shell for so long.  That I feared life.  That I doubted myself.  That I didn’t take risks and go out a limb simply because I believed others when they said I was worth nothing.

 

So for anyone who is reading this blog for the first time, I just started taking classes at Harvard last month.  Im brand new to Boston.  And yet in this one month I have started classes, Ive started writing a novel, and I just got offered a job to write the social media for a company here…. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?  

WHAT

THE 

FUCK?

 

Why Didn’t I decide to start writing a novel sooner?  Ive been blogging for like 3 years.  It isn’t like I haven’t had the desire to write.   In fact I’ve had story ideas just sitting in my mind for years.  What have I been doing?

 

Is it possible that things can go well?  That maybe the world is colorful? 

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That maybe the bad guys don’t win at the end?  

I’m still just so fucking annoyed that I sat and believed for so long that nothing good could ever happen to me.  I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I wasn’t worth anything.  That I failed because I deserved to fail.   That I was just better off dead.   That was the only reason I could think of as to why people kept telling me I was worth nothing.

But you know what, maybe there are other reasons?

~ Maybe because I decided to be myself and not follow the norm, the road wasn’t paved with signs telling me where to go… well the road wasn’t even paved.   Thats just part of being different.

~ Maybe people felt jealous or threatened that I wanted more for my life than a boring 9-5 where I had to drink my weekends away just to cope.

~ Maybe all those failures kept showing me what paths not to go down.  Maybe they were learning experiences?  Maybe thats just life process of anyone who follows the beat of their own drum?

So what can I say to you people who are reading this? 

Well for starters. Don’t give up.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Don’t listen to the people who put you down.  This world is full of hateful people.  They have their issues and reasons as to why they’re such assholes, and none of them should matter to you.  let them go rot in their own filth.  Don’t become one of them.

Remember that you’re talented and smart and can do anything.  Any of us who go trough the day with depression, anxiety, or any other mental problems are so strong.   We have to deal with the shit the common man can’t even comprehend. So remember, if you have the strength to get out of bed, you have the strength to change the world.

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This world can be bright and colorful.  Just like the picture above.  We just need to remember to rock shit out, and never take no for an answer.

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Life is short, don’t waste anymore of it.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

Self Doubt. What Do We Do About It?

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So, I’m having a bad day.   Im just consumed with doubt right now.    What if Im not a good writer? What if I have no talent.   Why am I even trying?  Will anyone want to read anything I have to say?  Will anything I say inspire people?   Will anything ever make things better?

 

And so goes the loop of thoughts in my head.  The endless banter between myself and…well, myself.

 

Do any of you out there ever feel like this? Like maybe everyone from your past is right?   That you’re talentless and worth nothing?   That you just suck and should  stop trying?

 

If you’re like me and are depressed, these thoughts can weasel their way in and then it becomes insanely hard to get rid of them.   Its like when you realize there’s an ant on the counter and you squash it.  Then there are two more.   Then four.   Then you look down and realize there is far too many for you to crush with your shoe.

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Well I don’t have all the answers yet, but one thing I do know is to sit on it for a day.   I know that when I have bad days there is really nothing that can be done.  Its basically just over.  All my thoughts will be negative and cloudy and a mess.   But I do know that tomorrow, or maybe in two, or three days, things will be different.  I’ll have a little more positivity.   And then, thats when I can actually figure out what to do and where to go.

 

So if anyone out there is like me right now, I’d say lets give ourselves a pass today.   Go order some pad thai, pop in a really cheesy and happy movie and just focus on being positive.  That is step one.  Ok, ready?  GO!

 

 

No this wasn’t proofread sorry!

~ The Dark Horse

Dear Mom and Dad (A Letter They Will Never Read)

cab

 

Dear mom and dad, Im writing this because I know you’ll never read this.    I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, after leaving you at the airport, I arrived safely in Cambridge.   I will begin school next Monday and honestly, Im so excited.

 

I know that I never ever tell you this, but I love you both so much.   You guys have done so much for me and have made so many sacrifices.    Granted, we rarely see things eye-to-eye, and I know you guys don’t get me and my dreams.   But I don’t blame you.   We’re just different types of people and thats fine.

As you both know, I move around a lot.  And Its because I’m trying to find myself.   I have this deep need to be better.  To achieve greatness.  To try and take the world by storm.    But at the same time, I’ve been deeply hurt in my life.  From people who don’t get me.  From people who don’t want watch me succeed.    And in part, I suppose I have left their words and actions affect me to much.  Furthermore,  I can tell you both that it does get lonely when you constantly restart in new locations.  And I do miss you.   And I do have times where I just want to hop on a plane and come home.

 

The reason I never mention any of that to you is because I have too much pride.  I don’t want you guys worrying about me.  Fearing for me.   I don’t want you to know that Im not superhuman.   They say that every child has that moment where they realize their parents are only human.  Merely two flawed Earthlings.   When I found that out about you guys it broke my heart, and so I never want to make you two go through that same thing.

 

 

However, there is good news too.  I have really good hopes for this!  I think my intentions of going back to school are pure.  I almost feel a sense of innocence again.  Kind of like how most kids must feel when they start undergrad.  A blind-hope.  Some kind of just pure happiness and a thought things are about to be awesome.   I think I’ll learn a lot at Harvard.  I think I’ll be challenged.  Be bettered.   I have this sense of optimism and hope.  A feeling that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now…. a feeling I haven’t had in a very long time.

 

 

One day I hope that I can make you both very proud to be my parents ( I know you already are )   But still, I don’t feel proud to be me yet… Maybe thats what Im really hoping for.  And thats something Im never able to tell you.  That I feel like a failure.   I feel like a pathetic and complete failure.   I thought I would be so much more at age 27 than what I am.

 

But again, right now I’m feeling good.  Im feeling hopeful.   Im feeling optimistic.  And I just wanted to let you both know how much you mean to me.  How much I miss you every time I leave, and how grateful I am for your love and unending support.

 

~Love your son, The Dark Horse

A Positive Voice Can Make All The Difference

mentor

 

So the other day i was really down.  My job is making me feel like shit.   My parents are making me feel like shit.  Society is making me feel like shit.   So, I was just all-around feeling like shit.

So, I called Lifeline.  Which people listen to me,  WHEN YOU ARE DOWN CALL LIFELINE!  THEY ARE AMAZING.   Id rather have you call lifeline and talk it out than go through the day feeling too depressed or anxious to live.

So I started listing off everything like a crazy person:

~ grew up gay in Ohio and have never had friends

~had to work full time during college to pay for college, and thusly totally missed out on the college experience and internships because i was busy working full time on top of school

~ Have been traveling around the world since graduation looking for a place to land…and haven’t found it

~my new job with sucks and doesn’t pay well, and my parents yelling at me constantly telling me to grow up

~ And how I’m applying to grad school but am worried about finances and if it will even pay off.

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And I swear to God she is like….. “sweetie, you need to slow down”.   So I slow down, take a breath and let her talk for a bit as I cool off.   She starts talking about how the economy is different now than it was for my parents.   Its normal to be 26 and lost in life these days.  She then tells me its also partly me:  She said, and I swear to you I loved this…she was like, “Look I can tell just from talking to you that you’re very smart.  Probably smarter than most people.   And Im sure way smarter than the people you work with since you’re working in retail”… “And you need to understand that small-time jobs and small-time people will never click with you,  because you’re meant for more”.

I literally was filled with warmth.   Someone actually on my side?  Someone who actually believes I can do something with my life?    IS THAT WHAT HAVING SUPPORT IN LIFE FEELS LIKE????   

I just relaxed in my seat  ( I was driving when I called because I just didn’t want to be at home).   I slowed down, went down some side streets and just smiled.   Hearing something nice….oh my god.  it was amazing!

Then she said, So what are you wanting to go to school for?  And I said Creative Writing.  Then she said, “Well you know, maybe you could find a compromise?   Get a day job and just write on the weekends as a hobby?”.   This made me kind of annoyed because is this something I hear from everyone…just another GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS comment.   But I tried to let her keep talking….but I just couldn’t. I had to tell her I actually feel because nobody else ever lets me.

So I said, well If I do that, how do I control this dying feeling I have inside?  And she was like… what do you mean?

So I told her that the idea of me not being able to live my dreams gives me a feeling like my intensities are being ground inside me.   Like Im suffocating.   Like theres no point in living.

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I want to write.  I want to inspire people!  I want to motivate people to want to continue living!  I want to make stories that are full of adventure, friendship, love, and overcoming obstacles that seem impossible…. until the end when you find out that hard work, dedication and a bit of teamwork can accomplish anything.   Growing up movies and books were my only friends.  After being called faggot all day at school, after the teachers would pretend like they didn’t see kids throwing things at me, after coming home and having my parents ask me why I had no friends, I could run up to my room and watch a movie or read a book.  They were my friends.   They were the ones who taught me about life.   I could see people who were like me, in situations that seemed hopeless…but you know what?  Somehow they always managed to conquer evil.  To win in the end.  To accomplish goals that seemed impossible!   And along the way they always made friends, had an adventure, and came out better people in the end.   I want to be able to give that to other people.

The she was silent for a few seconds… and then said:

“Sweetie, then you have no choice but to be a writer.   I’m sorry about what I said before… you’re dedicated, you know what you want, and you’re intentions are genuine.  You don’t have a choice but to chase your dreams”.

The biggest smile ever came across my face.  I just thought, FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS

Then she continued, “You know you may never make six figures though right? You may never accomplish wealth…”  And I was like, “Look, If I was happy and doing what I loved and was helping people, Id be fine living in a little apartment for the rest of my life, because Id have happiness, and self-worth.  Which is way better than money”.

Then she just laughed and said, “Honey, you will be very successful in life.  You are so genuine and want to write for all the right reasons.  You should also do public speaking,  you’re great at it”…

Then I was like, ” UUUGGGHHH I’d lllllllooooooovvvvvveeeee to do TED talks you have no idea!”

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She was like, “You know what, I really like you!   Here’s what you need to do.  Stop talking about your life to people in your hometown.  You’re better than them and you know what, jealousy will probably always make then hate you….and continue put you and your dreams down.  Normal people don’t chase their dreams because there afraid.  So they settle.  Don’t ever let them influence your life”.

 

I can’t even tell you how much that talk meant to me.    It just goes to show how much a positive voice in your life can change everything.

So, here I am, refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to fight the fight.

Never give up, never surrender!

~ The Dark Horse

UUGHHHH no this want proofread!  Who has the time??