Category Archives: hope

INFJ Problems (Or, Normal People Suck)

problems

 

Ok people, let’s get real for like 2 seconds here.  Last week in class I had a total INFJ moment, and was like…. fuck humans.

 

So there was this girl, she’s from North Carolina, she’s super annoying and loves to complain ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, she’s overweight, and she isn’t very attractive…like at all.   Now I’m not saying this to be mean.  I’m saying this to give you an overview because it’s important to the story.

 

So, I’m in a short story class for the summer, and naturally, we talk about books and stories a lot.  So we we’re talking about 50 Shades.  Like every random thing about it:  How crazy it actually is, how funny it is that older women read it, how it spawned from Twilight fan fiction, and then someone brought up how the BDSM community actually hates it because it’s a portrayal of rape, not BDSM.

And then, the North Carolina girl walks in mid-conversation and is like, “Im sorry y’all, I just don’t approve of BDSM”  and I’m like… Ok.  That’s fine.  This isn’t a conversation about our love of BDSM, we’re just talking about 50 Shades.   And then she’s like, “I’m sorry, I just..I just can’t.  It’s too much for me…” 

 

And so I’m looking at her like Please Shut The Fuck Up You Obnoxious Idiot.   And then I explain to her that even though she doesn’t like BDSM, it exists, and 50 Shades was a cultural phenomenon, and as writers we have to talk about it because it’s one of the best-selling books of all time.  It, despite your hate, is something anyone interested in publishing should think about.  It’s relative to our career field.  You can’t just tell people to not talk about it because you’re around an think you’re too good or too Christian to let your ears hear about it something.

And then she’s like, “Well I’m starting to think you must be into BDSM if you’re going to defend it so heavily”,  and in my head I’m like….

problems1

 

And then I have to explain to her that just because I don’t care if someone is into BDSM, doesn’t mean I’m into BDSM.

And then she’s just starts doing a lot of like weird Southern-sound-things like:

“nnnnaaaawwwww ya’ll, nnnnaaaaaawwwwwwww, nerp, nerp, nnnnaaawwwww, sorry, but nnnaaaawwwww, just can’t ya’ll”

 

So then I break out the big-guns.  and am just like, “Look, I’m not saying this to be mean.  I’m saying this to be honest with you:  You’re relatively large, and you know a lot of society would cringe at the idea of you having sex.   Now I’m sure you can agree that that’s wrong… now take that logic, and apply it to your disgust to BDSM.”

 

But then she’s like, “I CAWNT believe you just said that to me, That is so rude, that is so offensive, blah blah blah” 

 

I however, am not the type to back down. 

 

So, I’m like, No.  I’m showing you that you are unfairly judging a group, the exact same way society judges you.  Now I have a feeling you don’t like the way society judges you, so take that knowledge, and apply it to how you treat others.

problems4

 

The conversation ended with her basically just doing a lot of:

You’re so rude

You’re so mean

I can’t believe you’d say that 

I’m gonna cry

and so on and so on…..

 

And I was just constantly like… No.  I wasn’t saying it in a mean way.  I wasn’t putting you down.  I was showing you your flawed way of thinking.

However, of course, she didn’t care, and I know part of the reason why she got so upset was so the conversation could end making me look like the bad guy, and put the pressure off of her.  Now don’t get me wrong; I know that was a risky conversation.  I know I “went there”  and so forth, but sadly, with some people you gotta go there, otherwise they’ll never self-refelct.

 

Ok enough about that, let’s look into our INFJ-ness and see how that relates that interaction:

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So as you can see, INFJ’s are focused, yet big-picture thinkers, and are insightful, while using our outstanding sense of integrity.   When it comes to formulating ideas we truly use our introversion, intuition, feeling, and judgment to the best of their abilities.

~~What this means is we can put ourselves into other people’s shoes relatively effortlessly.  Such as seeing things from the perspective of someone who likes BDSM).

~~Our big-picture mentality also let’s us see many things too.   Such as, Who is BDSM actually harming?  Nobody?  Ok…then let them do it.  It also helps us to see things like, “well hey this girl is judging others the exact same way she hates being judged…this is wrong”

~~ Our undying integrity keeps our opinions unbiased and fair.  Letting us bring true conversation to the table, not just self-assuring pleasantries that we want to believe.

 

However, society doesn’t get it.   Most people don’t comprehend the idea of holding thoughts because they’re true.  They live in a world of self-propulsion, and if an idea doesn’t tell them what they want to hear, they subconsciously refuse to believe it.  Think of how EVERY smoker you know will always be like, “You know there was this article about a woman who lived to be 100 even though she smoked everyday!” ….that is some A+ self-delusion.  But sadly, it’s so common and most people do that type of thing.  So when an INFJ comes along and defends an opinion, even though we don’t directly benefit from that opinion, it’s seen as some form of witchcraft or something!

 

 

So, what does this mean?  We’re going to be perpetual outcasts?  YES

We will normally hold opinions that may get on other people’s never?  YES

But look above at the jobs that INFJ’s do best.   We are also the movers and the shakers of this world.  We get some of the coolest jobs ON THE PLANET!  We do the things that most people only dream of.  INFJ is know as:

The Protector.

 The counselor.

The Philosopher.

 

Our set of skills (Our very unique and rare set of skills actually) is the combination that has the power to set this world on fire.

 

So remember: Never give in, Never surrender, always stand up for what’s right, and always always always be true to yourself!

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Rock on INFJ’S!

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION: A Primer

Law of Attraction

 

Alright bitches listen up.   This is Law Of Attraction 101.  Sit down and buckle up buttercup cuz were in for one hell of a ride.

The other day I saw a comment from someone who told me about the law of attraction.  Now, the law of attraction isn’t a new concept to me and probably isn’t to any of you out there.  But, it’s something I feel we often forget about or don’t think about and remember enough.  So let’s jump right in!

The principle of the law of attraction is that thoughts, intentions, and beliefs are forms of energy.  And like energies attract to each other.  So for all y’all non-science folk out there, what this means is:

If you think and create a positive atmosphere, you shall receive more positives.  If you create a negative atmosphere, you shall receive more negative.

So, to all my homies out there with depression and anxiety (what! what!) This is SUPER BAD NEWS FOR US because we have a tendency to get lost in the negative and are unable to come out of it.  And you know what DOUBLE SUCKS? A lot of us out there have good reason to be the way we are.  A lot of us have been trampled on by others.  We’ve been treated unfairly.  Perhaps have been through traumatic experiences that haunt us.   So managing to produce positivity into the world is a lot fucking harder said than done.

 

But lets all be real here…

law1

 

If these two fuckers can do it, then so can we.

 

Yeah Pierce Brosnan, enjoy your happy-ever-after you lucky bastard…  Ok ok ok wait.  This is wrong.  I need to be positive and happy.   Must produce good will amongst men and whatnot.

How about this chart?  Let’s see if this helps:

wish2

 

Ok nowhere on this chart does it say that I have to be happy for Pierce Brosnan…

law5

 

Ok but lets be real here.  We need to remember to focus on the good in life.  On something big and meaningful. something good!  And then you need to try and achieve those goals with the most honest and kind intentions you can muster.   Even if others treat you poorly, don’t then also treat others poorly, because all you’re doing is creating another unhappy person on this planet.

 

Still don’t believe me?  Well let’s just see what some other people have to say…

 

 

Ever hear of a little fellow named Albert Einstein?

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How about a certain someone named Buddha?

law8

 

 

Or maybe a man named Pierce Brosn…..what wait what?

law9

 

 

Dammit Brosnan!  get out of my damn blog post!  …altought, great quote.

 

So there ya go people.  Just remember.  Produce good.  Receive Good.

 

The Dark Horse

 

The Innocence Of Anxiety

sun

 

So, I was thinking the other day about the last few years.  About how I had been depressed for so much of my life, and then suddenly; anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia were thrown on top of it.    Sometimes I look back and I get tears in my eyes.  I think of how scared I was back in Melbourne.    Australians are great people if you’re looking for a party…but they’re not the kinds of people who are there for you in times of need (They don’t really comprehend the idea of “times of need” actually).    So there I was, alone.  Dealing with crippling anxiety. And when I say crippling, I mean crippling.   I was literally collapsing and felt like I was dying.

 

But the other day I also got a little smile on my face.  It was odd, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child again.   I mean when you really think about it, when you start dealing with mental illness it’s almost like starting a whole new life.   Your entire world has changed.  You have to learn how to overcome obstacles.  You have to ask people for help.  Easy things becomes monumental successes.

 

Like I remember back when the panic attacks were happening a lot, even going to the grocery store was hard.  Just going around the block could bring about a massive panic attack.  I remember at one point I finally had had enough and so I called Lifeline and was like, “The grocery store is about 7 blocks away…I’m worried I’m going to pass out on the way there…can you help me?”

I got to the grocery store and was like I DID IT!!!!!    And the lady at Lifelife was like, Congrats!   This is such a big moment for you!   ….Yeah people, have you ever felt so proud of just making it the grocery store without dying?

 

 

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I think it’s interesting though.  This new idea I have.  Looking at the last four years of life as potentially a “rebirth” in a way.  And who doesn’t make mistakes as children?  We all do right?  How many of us would be alive right now if it wasn’t for our parents taking care of use when we were four years old?     So maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for these last four years.  What happened in 2013 and 2014 was me trying to learn and figure out what the hell was going on without any help from anyone else.   Mistakes were bound to happen.

Mistakes are the only way we learn even when we have people teaching us, so when it comes to mental illness when so much of it has to be us hiding it, and pretending were fine… where society doesn’t want to help us…when were in it all on our own…

WE SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF OURSELVES THAT WE ARE STILL ON THIS DAMN EARTH! 

giphy (1)

 

Look at that little girl?   Falling down on your face is normal when you’re a child people, ok?  Don’t let it get you down! 

 

 

 

 

 

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Also, falling on your side is completely acceptable when you’re trying to learn to navigate a new obstacle!  

 

 

 

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And sometimes you just fall on your face again… thats just life.  

 

 

Point is, I think were all doing a great job.  We are trying and dammit that means something, and fuck anyone who says differently.

Keep trying.

Keep working.

And keep falling! 

 

~ The Dark Horse

(No, of course this wasn’t proofread, why would you ask such a silly question?)

 

 

 

I Lost A Friend The Other Day (He Didn’t Die…We’re Just Not Friends Anymore…Sorry For Coming Off So Dramatic)

dan

 

So yeah, I lost a friend the other day.  It really sucks.  Basically I made a really good friend in New Zealand.   He was there for me a lot, and the times that he wasn’t, I can’t blame him.   When I hit a depressive streak I become insanely reclusive.

Before I left New Zealand, I traveled with him throughout Southeast Asia and it was one of the greatest times of my life.  Those are some memories I will never ever forget.

Sadly though, like all great heroes in Greek storylines, he had a tragic flaw:

 He was eternally stuck as a selfish little boy deep down.  

Now throughout our friendship I would see this from time to time.  For example, while on the trip in Asia at one point her literally said something like, “Ugh…Bali is so boring. I was literally just here 2 months ago with my other friend”.

YES PEOPLE, LET THAT SINK IN:

BALI IS BORING BECAUSE I WAS JUST HERE 2 MONTHS AGO…Seriously?  

 

For those of you who don’t know, this is Bali:

dan1

 

But apparently going here too much is just such a burden for certain people.

 

 

Anyways, I let a lot of what he said slide by because, as I have openly stated in my blog many times, I’m not perfect.  Far from it actually.   I Have fucked up so much in my past.  I have failed over and over again.   So who am I to judge I would tell myself?

 

Anyways, he really liked me.   He always wanted to be my boyfriend.   And for a while I thought maybe I wanted to be his boyfriend too.  He can be such a kind person when he wants to be.  Like when I would get sick he would order food for me.  It was always great to just have some delivery man come to my door with dinner because having the flu sucks.  And Having flu when you’re stressed and depressed is fucking horrible.   

But as time went on, his immaturity and ungrateful nature became a massive turn-off for me.  I, being someone who has really always had to fight for everything on my own, and never had people there for me, just couldn’t grasp how someone like him, someone talented, with friends, and who has a good job could still be so ungrateful.

 

Then, a few months ago a new low was hit.  I remember talking to him while I was really down.  Worried about my future, regretful of my past, and completely alone in New Zealand while he was back home in Malaysia

 

He said something like, “You know I’m really depressed too…”

 

And I was like, “Dude, stop being depressed.  You have a friends.  Friends that you’ve had for a long time.  I’d kill for that in my life.  You also have a good job that pays well that you’re good at.   You literally have talent.  Talent so good that people pay you to do what you do!  And your job allows you travel whenever and wherever you want!  If I had the resources of your life I’d use them to their full advantage! ”

And he literally responded with:

“Yeah but I want you.  And if I can’t have you then nothing else in my life matters”

 

YES.   What a douche, I know.

 

And I was like,  “….I’m sorry but do you understand how hard it is for me to hear you say that?  I’m someone who has ALWAYS struggled to make and keep friends.   You know how much it hurts for me to be alone.  And yet you’re going to compare the fact that you can’t have me to the fact that I’m always on my own?”

 

I was literally disgusted.  So I told him I would would never ever be able to love him or be in a relationship with him and that in that moment I genuinely hated him.

 

However, in the last few months (After not talking for a few months) we have been stable friends.  Texting and showing each other support for each other.  In fact he told me he had a boyfriend back in Malaysia and I was so happy for him!  I was glad he had someone since it’s what he always wanted.

But then a few weeks ago he was like, “I don’t even like my boyfriend, I still want you.  And one day I’ll have you”.

CREEPER ALERT PEOPLE, CREEPER ALERT!  We Have a Creeper On The Prowl

And I said,”You can’t do that to him.  It’s wrong, and you’re hurting him”.

 

And he responded with, “I don’t even care if I hurt him.  You’ll be mine someday”. 

Ok so,

1.)  Thank God he doesn’t know where I live.  Cuz….WTF

2.)  Again, as someone who has been bullied a lot and who doesn’t have people there for me, I’m very much against hurting people.  Something a friend should have known about me.

3.) WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?  Who willingly hurts and leads people on?

 

So anyways, friendship over.  Ive blocked him in all forms of communication and I’m done.

 

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  What does this say about me? And about the types of people I hang around?

Personally, I think I need to focus on the future and on the positives.   Like,

 

 

 

dan3

IM BACK IN SCHOOL!  Im doing a Masters Program and have gotten involved on campus and have joined clubs and are making some friends.  Some that are very successful and that I think are insanely smart. 

 

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Im writing!  I’m actually going for my dreams.  I’m determined to make something of my life, and tonight I’m going to a writing group on campus, so again, more chances to make friends! 

 

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Its March!  Which means Spring and Summer are on the way!   So I can get out and explore, and hopefully meet some cool people!!!!

 

 

So that’s what I’m doing.  Do any of you guys have any advice on what to do when you hit some roadblocks in life?  And if not, hopefully I gave some ideas for you guys as to what to do when you hit a roadblock.  I guess the main, is keep your eye towards the future.  Look at where you want life to go, not where it’s been.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

~ The Dark Horse

PS….this was soooooo not proof read.   sowwyz!

 

 

Life Really Can Get Better. You Just Need To Try (God, It Sounds Cliche, But It Works)

dave

 

So, this is super annoying, but my life is quickly getting better.  Like, so quickly it’s actually making me mad.  I’m mad that I sat in a shell for so long.  That I feared life.  That I doubted myself.  That I didn’t take risks and go out a limb simply because I believed others when they said I was worth nothing.

 

So for anyone who is reading this blog for the first time, I just started taking classes at Harvard last month.  Im brand new to Boston.  And yet in this one month I have started classes, Ive started writing a novel, and I just got offered a job to write the social media for a company here…. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?  

WHAT

THE 

FUCK?

 

Why Didn’t I decide to start writing a novel sooner?  Ive been blogging for like 3 years.  It isn’t like I haven’t had the desire to write.   In fact I’ve had story ideas just sitting in my mind for years.  What have I been doing?

 

Is it possible that things can go well?  That maybe the world is colorful? 

dave1

 

 

That maybe the bad guys don’t win at the end?  

I’m still just so fucking annoyed that I sat and believed for so long that nothing good could ever happen to me.  I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I wasn’t worth anything.  That I failed because I deserved to fail.   That I was just better off dead.   That was the only reason I could think of as to why people kept telling me I was worth nothing.

But you know what, maybe there are other reasons?

~ Maybe because I decided to be myself and not follow the norm, the road wasn’t paved with signs telling me where to go… well the road wasn’t even paved.   Thats just part of being different.

~ Maybe people felt jealous or threatened that I wanted more for my life than a boring 9-5 where I had to drink my weekends away just to cope.

~ Maybe all those failures kept showing me what paths not to go down.  Maybe they were learning experiences?  Maybe thats just life process of anyone who follows the beat of their own drum?

So what can I say to you people who are reading this? 

Well for starters. Don’t give up.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Don’t listen to the people who put you down.  This world is full of hateful people.  They have their issues and reasons as to why they’re such assholes, and none of them should matter to you.  let them go rot in their own filth.  Don’t become one of them.

Remember that you’re talented and smart and can do anything.  Any of us who go trough the day with depression, anxiety, or any other mental problems are so strong.   We have to deal with the shit the common man can’t even comprehend. So remember, if you have the strength to get out of bed, you have the strength to change the world.

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This world can be bright and colorful.  Just like the picture above.  We just need to remember to rock shit out, and never take no for an answer.

dave4

 

 

Life is short, don’t waste anymore of it.

~ The Dark Horse

 

 

 

Self Doubt. What Do We Do About It?

doubt

So, I’m having a bad day.   Im just consumed with doubt right now.    What if Im not a good writer? What if I have no talent.   Why am I even trying?  Will anyone want to read anything I have to say?  Will anything I say inspire people?   Will anything ever make things better?

 

And so goes the loop of thoughts in my head.  The endless banter between myself and…well, myself.

 

Do any of you out there ever feel like this? Like maybe everyone from your past is right?   That you’re talentless and worth nothing?   That you just suck and should  stop trying?

 

If you’re like me and are depressed, these thoughts can weasel their way in and then it becomes insanely hard to get rid of them.   Its like when you realize there’s an ant on the counter and you squash it.  Then there are two more.   Then four.   Then you look down and realize there is far too many for you to crush with your shoe.

doubt1

 

Well I don’t have all the answers yet, but one thing I do know is to sit on it for a day.   I know that when I have bad days there is really nothing that can be done.  Its basically just over.  All my thoughts will be negative and cloudy and a mess.   But I do know that tomorrow, or maybe in two, or three days, things will be different.  I’ll have a little more positivity.   And then, thats when I can actually figure out what to do and where to go.

 

So if anyone out there is like me right now, I’d say lets give ourselves a pass today.   Go order some pad thai, pop in a really cheesy and happy movie and just focus on being positive.  That is step one.  Ok, ready?  GO!

 

 

No this wasn’t proofread sorry!

~ The Dark Horse